Shh! Blog talk.

The next words that should follow that post title are, "What's it like to be with a circumcised man?" Obviously.

Anyway, two things. The first is that I started a screen-shot Tumblr, whereipause. I'd been noticing that a lot of times when, for whatever reason, I have to pause a DVD I'm inevitably recapping or whatever, hilarity ensues in the random, between-expression shot that locks on my screen. It seemed like throwing all this ugliness away was a horrible thing, so now I have a place for these formerly discarded but typically golden screen shots. I'm also throwing in some random shots I've taken on purpose but have no place for, like this lovely shot of the inside of an Ugg boot in the otherwise unwatchable Aussie horror flick Coffin Rock: 

Oh, and here's this from the nightmarish puppet porn, Let My Puppets Come:

So, you know, fun stuff like that.

Anyway, I know I said it about my Twitter, but this time I really mean it: I'm not on Tumblr to make friends. Not into the social-networking aspect at all. My Tumblr is strictly for pointlessness.

Also, since I'm on a meta tip, I thought it would be fun to share some of the search terms that have bizarrely delivered people to this blog over the years. I've been collecting them. When it isn't "jersey shore fist pump gif," it's inevitably something completely bonkers. Come, let's probe into the psyche of the thirsty web surfer:

Why does a blackhead have white pus?

Because it's a white head.

horny girls on meth

They sound very predictable for meth heads.

I kicked a baboon's face right on to Jesus's face. Didn't mean to but it was a cheeky bonus

I see you, Richard Dawkins. Haaay, gurl! 

Child camel toe

More evolution talk, I see! Children are not descended from camels! Not even hunchbacks or future/possible descendants of Jay-Z.

child cameltoe 

Seriously, guys. Once was enough. Now it's just creepy.

how to lick yourself out

Start a blog. Regardless of your flexibility, your head immediately gravitates to your ass, and from there, your vag (or whatever) is just a tongue flick away.

do internet have vedios of girls dangarous snake in thier ass

If it does, it's holding out on you, through every fault of your own.

is ima dance till my dick falls off a jersey shore saying

Nah, they really, really need their dicks. Especially Jwoww.

R. Kelly pee jokes

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
R. Kelly.
R. Kelly who?
Psssssssssssssssssss.

why is aretha franklin so fat

Because she can be.

PLACENTA FETISH

Suddenly, the child camel toe creeps seem a lot less creepy.

what would it feel like if you cut off your nipple

Depends on how sharp your knife is. Best case scenario: like buttah.

the videos on utube that show the men urinate and pennis

I love those! Much more so than, for example, the ones that only show the urinate because the pennis is obscured or has been amputated and all the men have is a circular indent.

Gloriously cumming trannie whores twink

Is there any other way that "trannie" whore twinks cum? Obviously, the "gloriously" is redundant.

is it okay for a man to call you a bitch?

Only if the word "gangsta" precedes it.

whatever happened to that swan girl

She became celebrated on the Internet, and quite literally, the hope of a new generation.

verY young boy fucks his pretty "soccer mom"

He can't be that young if he has a soccer mom. Like, older than 3, at least.

is loving your own penis normal

Not only is it normal, it is essential. (That one's on the real!)

stuff a football in her vagina

And make sure it's dangarous while you're at it.

gay nude OR sex OR naked "burning man"

Aw man, why's it gotta be OR? That's way too hard of a decision. Why can't it be all three?

ARE CATS SUPPOSED TO LICK THEIR PRIVATE

YES. WHY, IS YOURS NOT? BECAUSE IF IT'S NOT YOU NEED TO RETURN IT OR SHOW IT HOW SO IT CAN LEARN BY EXAMPLE. I HOPE YOU LOVE YOUR OWN PENIS.

is sharon stone CAREER OVER

I like to think she's just getting started.

hows to give blowjob?

Step one, make sure your teeth and any superfluous S's are out of the way...

Reviews of hoe strolls

They're all 4-star by default.

Dancehall music insults and degrades women

Oh please, get in line.

ways to spell jeff

Let's see, there's "Jeff". Oh, and "Jeff" is nice. And let's not forget "Jeff"!

how to make pebbles from flintstones

I'm glad that "from flintstones" is in there, otherwise I'd have assumed this one was about pooping.

what to do when little sister is bugging the crap out of you

Use her as a pooper scooper (/pebble scooper).

how to get a models jawline

Drug her and steal it in her sleep.

why do women moan so much in pleasure

Frankly, if it seems excessive it probably is, and then your answer is: to get you to stop.

blowjob south jersey

Story of my life in three words!

fool your siblings! fake adoption papers

OK, this is the story of my life in six words. In addition to strangers, I was obsessed with adoption in the '80s. Maybe it was because of Punky Brewster and Rags to Riches, maybe it was because adoption seemed not so far from kidnapping (the difference to an 8-year-old me was a little bit of elbow grease and lots of paperwork). Anyway, because of my fixation, I would tell my sisters they were adopted all the time. It was a funny joke back then. Not so much now. But this is totally the thing I would have searched if we had Google in the '80s. I take this as a note from my past. Hi, me. Let me save you a lot of trouble: you're gay.

Was the girl who got raped in the movie the hills have eyes 2 get raped in the but or the pussy

Don't let anyone tell you that horror fans have no interest in detail.

why is my cat so nervous it shits everywhere

Because it knew you were going to go and talk about it on the Internet.

Comments

[Laya]

What about 'Geoff'? I knew a guy with that name in high school, and people kept calling him called him 'Jee-off' for the first week or so.

[Bapril]

I love that all these people found you via some random word like "baboon" or "trannie". The Internet is the new kismet.

[matt]

glouriously cumming trannie whores twink should be the new internet meme. Can we start that? Maybe written on a picture of Sarah Palin or Spencer Pratt or an owl or winston or something?

[steele]

The R Kelly knock knock joke is killing me. More blogs for Rich? Count me in. That's three blogs now including the tumblr.

[katiechasm]

If #3 is still looking, it's "I kicked a RACCOON's face off onto Jesus's face..."

And it's here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1Us1Ksttms
(as a cheeky bonus)

[holler!]

I love the "fool your siblings..." one. Hilarious. We used to tease our little sister that she was adpoted all the damn time! I think you're right on, Rich. The 80's were full of all kinds of weird stranger-danger, odd adopted families. Later we found out that our dad did actually adopt our older brother. That's when shit got real.

[Tati]

Oh no, not the fake adoption! My older cousin, who was like my sister since our families lived together, used to tell me I was adopted as a kid. My mom eventually had to explain to me (after my crying fit) that my clothes tags said "Marisa" on them because they were hand-me-downs. NOT. COOL.
Although, I can imagine how it would be funny to use it on younger siblings. :)

[steff]

dayum. the innernets can be a skeeeery place, yo.

[Joanna]

"Pebbles" made me laugh out loud in the library. I'm fining you for that one, Rich.

[Galen]

I work with editors and I love love love unfortunate pauses. I keep trying to explain Rags to Riches to people. LOVE!

[Helen]

Are you taking submissions for the tumblr? 'Cause I have a great one. Paused ANTM on youtube one time, and the result was too hilarious not to save; it's been on my pc with no more to go ever since: http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g70/RabidChild_photos/Untitled-1.png

[caligula]

the R. Kelly joke was really dumb. Like, really, really dumb.But I still laughed for a good three minutes.

[Jerome]

I can't believe that I just spent the last 5 minutes llol'ing at the R. Kelly joke!

[Wendy]

Jeph.

[Maya]

My mom had a cat that did not lick it's privates. It was a bad, smelly scene. The cats brother used to clean her up after the bathroom. Then he told her she was adopted.

[Michelle]

I fucking love you, Rich.

[Amelia]

This is the only place on the internet that consistently makes me laugh out loud.

[Hi-Vis Workwear]

Informative and well written. It'll be interesting to see the developments in the coming years!

[cindy]

You guys are so funny, but umm interesting at the same time.

[Winstrol]

You answered a huge amount of questions in this post!

[buy viagra]

I had never read an original post like this, most of time I find boring post without sense but this one is completely different this other way to enjoy a good blog.m10m

[Nyvaeh]

Ho ho, who wuodla thunk it, right?

[jumper cables]

Wonderfully inspirational and so well told. Thank you for the advice. -R-

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