I would like to introduce you to your new (and my old) favorite song:
I think that works quite well out of context, but if you must know what the hell is going on...
That clip comes from The Monster's Christmas, a film that is essentially the Holy Grail of my childhood. For years I've searched for it. I went as far as to plead for someone, anyone to help me find it a few years ago here. (That post yielded one email that was like, "I know exactly what you're talking about...and I have no idea what it is either. At least we know we didn't imagine it." And really, it did help to think we might be wishing on the same bright star.) I think that I did remember the title at some point, but then looking at the only art I could find for it at the time led me astray:
That's not the little girl from the movie, the character's name is not Sally and her holiday spirit does not tame the beast inside. (The beast in this movie remains untamed and innocence-threatening.) I gave up my search, but still my heart sang, "Give it to me. Give it to me. Giveittomegiveittome, Give. It. To. Me." And so I recently did a Google image search, came up with alternate box art that did look familiar to me, paid way more for this DVD on Amazon Marketplace than any sane person would, and, voilà, my life is complete.
See? There's my new life waving hello. I don't mind having a new life with a hell of an overbite. Character building.
I also don't mind having a new life that dresses up for a nurse for Christmas. Hey guys, what are you gonna be for Christmas this year? I'm gonna be a slut!
What's going on here, really? Mmmmm, an oily discharge...
...monsters that look like turds...
...and lots and lots of paper-eating:
You know how when you finally get the chance to experience relics from your childhood again, they aren't quite what they used to be? Now, the Haunted Mansion at Disney World makes you pee only a little, Labyrinth's songs have lost their spark (their dance, magic dance, has a little less magic), Penthouse no longer is even vaguely arousing (not even the Letters!)? Yeah, well, that's not at all what's going on here. The Monster's Christmas is everything I remember it to be and so much more. I cannot believe that this movie didn't catch on and that it's almost entirely forgotten. I can't believe that as a result of this work of brilliance we didn't rename Christmas to Monster Day. I can't believe that these monsters in rubber suits aren't our country's patron saints (because we have those), if not world leaders. Clearly, we have failed as a species.
I'm so giddy about this acquisition that I couldn't even wait until it was seasonally appropriate to post about it -- it had to be shared immediately. To be fair, it's not much of a Christmas movie -- it begins with an instrumental of "Silent Night" and "Girl" (yes, her character's name is...
..."Girl") carries her stocking around with her...
...but really, that's about it. And since Christmas in March is in just a few weeks (it's the 35th, right?), I figured, what the hell? Might as well get into the spirit of Jesus and monsters early.
I still haven't gotten to exactly what's going on in the movie, so I'll let the back of its deceptive DVD box, in all its ungrammatical glory, reveal your new dogma:
"It's Christmas Eve and as a young girl reads her favorite bedtime story,...
...she discovers a Monster in her living room;...
...who has lost his voice due to a curse cast by an evil witch.
Our heroine agrees to help the monster using a simple disguise...
...and the witches magic wand. Along the way, she meets his friends...
...who band together to help her as she confronts the witch and brings the holiday spirit to the mountain caves."
And really, that's it, as far as the plot goes. It'd be horribly dull if it weren't for, oh, everything! This is New Zealand's K. Gordon Murray-saluting (whether it knows it or not) answer to Alice in Wonderland. It's Alice in Boboland.
Like, the witch wields what looks like a duster at some point...
...and you know they were just like, "Shut up and hold whatever, bitch. And would it hurt to do a little cleaning while you're at it? This cave isn't going to dust itself!" Also, there's major drama with her wand not working (see video above -- you know you want to watch it again!), and it's all because it's missing its orb...
...which is all chipped and plastic and shit. They didn't even try to make it look good. Who had time for glue in those days, anyway? The early '80s were much faster times, and this is proof that we've regressed in technology.
That duster, by the way, is used to tickle Girl at one point...
...in just one of the many...off moments that verge on the pedo side of things.
Another is that the movie opens with a POV shot of the monster watching Girl from outside her window...
...and he's kind of a lech, too...
At times, the wand is placed in the most precarious of positions...
...and at others, his antenna does the erection-ing, jutting out and swaying and bobbing with a stiff, delayed motion...
This is all alternately terrifying...
...and sickening...
...which is to say: LOVE.
And there's more weirdness than this: for example, soon after agreeing to help the monster reclaim his voice, Girl and he walk the New Zealand countryside while a song sung by her (or some other young girl from this character's point of view) narrates exactly what we just learned that they were setting out to do (the plot of wandering around and looking as grotesque and broke-ass as possible is really complicated so you see why they'd want to reinforce it). Except, the girl isn't singing along or lip synching, so the effect is this weird, tone-deaf inner monologue. Perhaps Girl forgot the words of the song. Perhaps she just didn't feel like miming them the day they filmed that. Whatever! Anything goes in The Monster's Christmas!
It all ends where it begins, with "Silent Night," except this time, it's sung by monsters. Bet you never heard anything like that before! (No, seriously. You haven't.) After "Give It To Me," clearly the No. 1 song of all time on all the charts that matter (those tattooed on my heart, for example), this is my favorite moment of what has reclaimed its position as one of my favorite movies of all time:
Merry Christmas in March, guys. This year, eat some extra paper and think of me. You'll be so sleepy from the tryptophan (paper has a lot of that) as visions of Richardplums dance in your head!
ahhhh it says the second video is private. help, plz?
Posted by: Jawn | March 18, 2010 at 01:50 AM
you never ever ever cease to AMAZE me.
Posted by: Nat | March 18, 2010 at 03:02 AM
Rich, have you seen Troll 2? I think it's right up your alley. And it's on Hulu: http://www.hulu.com/watch/31381/troll-2
Posted by: Sara | March 18, 2010 at 10:38 AM
The picture stills reminded me of the old show "Sigmund and the Sea Monsters".
Posted by: Charlotte | March 18, 2010 at 10:47 AM
I agree with Charlotte. I immediately thought of Sid and Marty Krofft, including H.R. Puff n Stuff. I could SOOO picture Witchiepoo singing "Give It To ME."
Posted by: soulbrotha | March 18, 2010 at 11:49 AM
At least the monsters can keep fit in their gym cave. There's something very "Flight of the Conchords" about all this. I'm going to list all the Christmas monster films I can think of:
this
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians
Nightmare Before Christmas
Silent Night Deadly Night
Jack Frost
Black Christmas
Quite a sub-genre.
Posted by: Miss Lisa | March 18, 2010 at 12:29 PM
I loved Penthouse as a teen too! I somehow convinced myself that I wasn't gay, because I had a very well-worn issue of the magazine...that just happened to have Marky Mark on the cover.
Posted by: Homoshame | March 18, 2010 at 01:30 PM
I can see why you started to doubt yourself - this thing looks too freaky to have been anything but a fever dream!
As the internet gets bigger, our collection of childhood mysteries gets smaller... I've found a bunch of tv episodes, comic book issues and obscure movies just in the last year that had been eluding me forever.
At first there's a wondrous sense elation, and then a weird feeling of sadness, since a major part of the thrill was "in the hunt", as they say. Still, I'm glad you finally found your Holy Monster Grail!
Posted by: spazmo | March 18, 2010 at 01:34 PM
GIVE IT TO ME
damn that old bitch is horny
Posted by: Pedro | March 18, 2010 at 02:27 PM
For some reason, the monsters singing "Silent Night" reminded me of a bizarre, yet delightful song I found on YouTube. I believe one of the comments goes so far as to say "This is why the internet was invented".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oavMtUWDBTM
Posted by: Meg | March 18, 2010 at 06:54 PM
I spent years trying to find a movie I had seen as a youngster on USAs "Up All Night", hosted by the ever lovely Rhonda Shear. The only scene I remembered involved a shrunken teenage boy crawling around in a girls panties after falling in, resulting in her explosive orgasm right in the middle of class! He uses her giant pubes to crawl out. I posted that exact memory on some strange b movie site and someone emailed me with the title....."Getting Lucky"!!!! Spent way too much on the movie as well, and it sucked when I watched it as an adult, but it was worth knowing I wasn't crazy.
Posted by: Jessica | March 18, 2010 at 06:58 PM
Wow! What other memories crawl around in that knowledgeable noggin of yours Rich?
Posted by: Ky-L | March 18, 2010 at 08:36 PM
Wow. Definitely some Sid and Marty type stuff. Never came across this movie before, though.
Posted by: rustyspigot | March 19, 2010 at 12:39 AM
I assume that your "Alice in Boboland" is in reference to Nothing But Trouble because as soon as I saw the pic of the monster's friends that's exactly what I thought of...Bobo and Lil' Devil (Lil' Debbil?).
This. This is why I love you.
Posted by: Bapril | March 19, 2010 at 10:26 AM
This is the best Christmas ever! I love it so much.
Posted by: everlasting_concubine | March 19, 2010 at 08:33 PM
I have on like this. The only scene I can remember is an evil queen eating what look like peaches from a tree she keeps under a class bell jar. The tree gives the queen eternal life. Two chilren (a boy and a girl) are trying to destroy the tree and when they do the queen gets old and crumbles and dies. I have no idea what it is and it's been driving me CRAZY!!
Posted by: Michelle | March 19, 2010 at 09:08 PM
Michelle, I'm pretty sure you're thinking of "The Hugga Bunch Movie". You can watch it on YouTube. I agree with the above poster, that while it's incredibly fun to hunt for these obscure, vaguely remembered childhood relics, it is slightly disappointing when you actually find them.
Posted by: Brian | March 20, 2010 at 06:16 AM
Thanks for making ChristMarch spectacular!!!!
Posted by: Gwen | March 20, 2010 at 07:24 PM
@ Brian- It so was! Good call, I never would've remembered that! I'm still debating on whether or not to actually watch it, but thank you for solving the mystery for me. That one had been plaguing me for a while.
Posted by: Michelle | March 22, 2010 at 04:52 PM
The quality and style of this totally remind me of a movie from my childhood.. Revenge of the Teenage Vixens from Outerspace! I need to find that one too.
Posted by: Chachi | March 22, 2010 at 08:23 PM
For the longest time I thought I wasn't right in the head cause I remembered a movie from the 80s that involved two kids and a leprechaun running around in the woods, and then suddenly they were in this wacked-out world where people would turn into butterflies and worshipped some Jabba the Hut looking creature. I now know I'm not nuts because I founds a trailer for that movie the other day on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkJ0oiipwQE
Congrats on your Christmas in March miracle, Rich!
Posted by: Erica | April 05, 2010 at 09:26 AM
You are a genius! like you the identity of this movie has bugged me for ages and I seemed to be the only person who even vaguely remembered it - right off to Amazon... thank you!
Posted by: stuart | April 11, 2010 at 09:16 AM
K. My cousin is addicted to Monsters. Its really sad. We tried to have an intervention but it all just went wrong. Recently her attitude has gotten darker. And we've noticed her skin turning a greenish pale color. She doesnt see it but we do. What can we do.
Posted by: buy propecia | April 23, 2010 at 03:33 PM
As the internet gets bigger, our collection of childhood mysteries gets smaller... I've found a bunch of tv episodes ( http://www.rapidskunk.com ), comic book issues and obscure movies just in the last year that had been eluding me forever.
Posted by: Rick | April 30, 2010 at 09:33 AM
I can't BELIEVE that I finally found this movie again... THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for posting all this!!! I'd had some of these scenes locked into my memory since I was probably no more than 3-4 years old. Heck, maybe I only watched it once and it burned itself into my memory. I LOVE THE INTERNET!!! I always hoped someone would eventually post it/write about it online, and behold!
As you can imagine, googling "give it to me give it to me" was completely fruitless. That song was my most vivid memory from the film. Like you, I'd posted about it on some "find that film"-type sites, to no avail, though I did find other people who were looking for the same thing.
Oddly, I had remembered the witch as a young-ish man, kinda Pee-wee Herman-esque. Now she's a middle-aged woman! I remembered the hair differently, too: I thought it was a dunce's-type hat. Now that I can listen to the song, I realize that my memory version, while similar, had taken on a life of its own. The acting was also better, in my mind. It's almost anti-climactic now to finally watch.
The girl climbing the ladder freaked me out as a kid.
Any chance you could upload the entire movie? :-)
Posted by: Old Girl | June 10, 2010 at 03:13 PM