Baaaah!

Usually, I have a shot of the eliminated girl in this pre-post space.

 

But when a sheep shows up in a snout-harness, all bets are off.

42. Anslee

 

C'mon, Anslee. Don't be pissed. You know you're no competition for a sheep.

43. Krista

 

Her voice was tear-heavy as she said her goodbye to Anslee, and her face looked scrunched up enough to at least approximate crying. So, counts.

However, as soon as Anslee was out of the room and Krista received the opportunity to share in her prize of a first-class flight to New Zealand...

 

...she got over her friend's passing right quick. The joy of frivolity supersedes any interpersonal connection. I mean, duh. It's just where we are as a culture.

44. Anslee

 

Love that she cried about losing the reality show before adding, "I am excited to see my child, of course." Of course. Like I said: It's just where we are as a culture.

And here's where we are as an audience: in a word, united. For you see...

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

 

"(In the recap of last week's episode at the start of the show) Brenda was strugglin' and failing to inspire the judges. So...we sent her home!"

I love how her recap chirp contrasts heavily with the gravity she used to address Brenda during the actual elimination. She means it only in the moment -- otherwise, looking back she knows this is much of a joke as everyone else. We're all reveling in the frivolity at this point, but hey, at least we're having fun.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

 

"For us to be able to look up her nose and for that to still be that stunning is quite rare."

I feel like this is really disparaging to booger fetishists and that's wrong. You don't choose to be turned on by dried snot. She acts like it's otherwise disgusting. What a bigot.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

 

"Oh! I'm so upset. I mean, I love your face, it's like handsome and interesting and like..."

Oh! I completely believe her! And way to twist in the knife by calling her "handsome," like she's Jamie Lee Curtis or some shit. And don't even get me started on "interesting." You know what's interesting? Testicular feminization. Jamie Lee again! I can't believe Tyra didn't send Anslee away with a comb for her mustache or some salt for her scar.

Love that she called Anslee "Miss Face" while doing this:

 

Way to instantly back up your statement with authority, oh Duchess of Face.

And let's hear from her right hand, the Gizzard of Ahs in this week's Talley Tally:

On Anslee's hideous shot:

 

"Anslee, what bothers me is the stereotypical point of the toe in the left leg, which could be...sort of cliche."

A stereotype a cliche? Now I've heard everything! Please tell me more, ALT, and make sure you use several unnecessary synonyms along the way.

Also, I can't believe the toe is bothering him. What bothers me is that the hair of Anslee's skirt looks like explosive diarrhea. Stereotypical perhaps, but as fashion photo shoots go, not a cliche.

On Alexandra's approximation of a shrub in The Lion King on Broadway...

"It's almost like you were trying to do a dance that is not a dance."

Come on, ALT. She's a white girl: trying to do a dance that is not a dance is just how she lives. Cut her some slack.

On Angelea:

 

"She manages every week to surprise me and challenge my mind as to what a model should be."

I love that Angelea is enough of a mind-fuck to warrant being mentioned as such politely (well, I never!). I love even more that someone on this show finally admitted to be mentally challenged.

1. After all, how do you describe this?

 

Catching Zzzzzzs!

 

A guy with a New Zzzzzzleand accent!

A zzzzzheep!

 

Catching even more Zzzzzzs! After all, how else are the mental toddlers going to learn if not by repetition?

 

This is really the stupidest overseas announcement in the. History. Of. America's. Next. Top. Toddler. Z's for New Zealand? Seriously? That's what they came up with and were like, "Yeah. That's good. Needs no further fine tuning. We're going with Z's." The whole, "I need some sleep," thing was totally bogus because they were obviously asleep (and not even dreaming, not even fucking REM sleep!) when they conjured that shit. That is some pillow-drool-level cleverness.

 

Z's for New Zealand! I still can't get over it!

 

More than ever, this show is Romper Room.

2. It's also a puppet show, as Pat Celeveland's eye makeup is straight out of Meet the Feebles.

Hi, fashion!

 

Does she have braces? It would only make me love her more, if so.

To what do we owe the good fortune of a second appearance from Pat Cleveland? This feels fantasticals!

 

Pat reminds me of that Shirley Temple knock-off that once taught Lisa Simpson how to tappa tappa tappa. Beneath that sugar, spice and rouge is something sinister, something diabolical that could turn upside down the smile on even the most determined eye.

But for now, she's just teaching them how to embody those pesky disembodied personalities, and also to fly.

 

That disapproving guy makes this my favorite screen shot of the episode, if not the cycle so far. He clearly knows nothing of high fashion and how it applies to Pat's general behavior.

For real, give me a crazy old lady any day, and I'm fucking set. I live for this shit and its corkscrew curls.

 

Check out her face just as she's done addressing the girls on the importance of having their personalities come through:

 

It looks like she's entranced and moving toward the light. Is she distracted by something shiny or Angelea's...existence?

If it's the latter, I'm sure the feeling is mutual:

That was the face Angelea made while saying Pat's name, setting up her guest appearance. To quote Beyond the Valley of the Dolls: and everyone's a freak.

3. Especially Angelea, though.

She was serving a big plate of spaghetti arms this week...

 

 

Spaghetti arms with meat, since some people be sayin' she be actin' like a drag queen. I'm sure that isn't even the half of what some people be sayin' about Angelea.

She is such a bobomonster, isn't she?

 

I hate to sound like Nigel, but she's so wrong, she's right. She is basically an aggressive buffoon who's able to outsmart everyone by default, who mistake her farts of aggression for pointed barbs. Like, Raina calls this her "'I'm better than everyone else' dance":

 

 

But that couldn't be any sign of superiority because it's SO FUCKING BUSTED. She's literally turning her partner round and round and people are, like, scared about it. Only in this world of control through fear and jilted intellect, you know? I love it, I love it, I love it. I LOVE THIS FUCKING CYCLE!

4. And speaking of jilted intellect, do you know what you should do if the elevator button light fails to illuminate?

 

Why, knock, of course!

 

Duh!

I believe it was Jessica who put it so delicately:

 

And I bet she didn't even know about the knocking. I love that Alasia said that she's on a "journey of discovery." Discovery of what? Button alternatives? How loud she can get her voice to shout? How many times she can say the same word in a single sentence?

Here's a tip: sentences are as long as you want them to be. Go try making the longest sentence of all time, Alasia. Come back to us when you're done, which should be never, if you do it right.

I'm just kidding. This cycle would not be the same without her. Here's another tip: when people get to you and start rushing you even if it's for your own good...

...brush out those kinks and bitches.

And, look, whether you're on Team Stank or Team Rancid, you have to admit that the bad girls had the best reactions to going abroad:

They are humble in their own way. I would go as far as to call them inspiring:

5. Drag queens in the drag queen place!

 

 

Oh sorry, wrong screen shots. These are the contestants of the spin-off America's Next Top Yeti. It will be followed by The All-New Celebrity Alien Autopsy.

 

I guess that title is apt if you consider Weaven Steven a celebrity.

 

Why oh why is his name "Weaven" and not "Weavin'?" Please, please tell me that the "E" is intentional and signifies something that I'm not picking up. Please tell me he's the smart one in my equation of mental strife. Because what I'm picking up is a cluelessness that goes way beyond his apparent thinking that grills are a) cool or b) so not cool that they're ironically cool. (Wrong and wronger.) Have we gone over this bothersome E already? I know he's been on this show before.

I hated this photo shoot. Just like I don't enjoy E's where I's should be, I don't enjoy hair where clothes should be. I don't enjoy pubic hair on boobs...

 

...and I don't enjoy (in Jay Manuel's words) "Krista with a side of Grace Jones," like Grace Jones is coleslaw or something. Really, the best thing about this shoot was Alasia. Her initial reactions were great. "Whose hair?" Instant classic. Her expressions? Destined to be helpful on messageboards when your befuddlement can only be expressed with moving image.

 

...or, if you like something more succinct:

 

Her shot? Flawless.

 

Tyra got on her for not offering variation, but shit, if you do something perfect the first time, why the fuck do you have to keep trying to make it even more perfect? It ain't a union.

6. Drag queens in the drag queen place for real this time:

 

I loved that this was basically a reference to RuPual's Drag Race, which is a reference to this show. All this referencing is like a own perpetual motion machine. The secret to the energy crisis is postmodern pop culture, I just know it! 

 

I swear I've seen the late, great Sylvester wearing an extremely similar head covering. And so, by looking butcher than usual, Miss J looked more like a drag queen than ever.

My favorite thing about this scene was the Tyra queen:

I can't even believe that Tyra Not Queen had the sense of humor about herself to allow this. I can only assume that she figured that with hair soooo Cycle 10, no one was actually going to mistake her for this drag queen, since everyone is hanging on her every last lace-front strand. If this queen would have showed up rocking a chignon, it woulda been straight up, "Off with her head! Who's the queen now, bitch?"

7. And I seriously don't give a fuck about Whitney Port, her fake life on TV or her real one, but I thought this outfit was hilarious:

 

I don't know. Maybe it's high fashion. What the hell do I know? I bought a Rockawear shirt yesterday. (But really, I do think it's pretty hilarious and it reminds me of Reality Bites.) Whatever, my point is that this looks so much like the outfit this girl wore during our 7th grade lip synch contest while performing Kym Sims' "Too Blind To See It." How fucking Jersey is that, lip synching to a semi-obscure house track in intermediate school? And how fucking drag ball was it for a lip synch contest to be an official school event? Remind me never to complain about my upbringing again, as it clearly was full of culture, whether it knew it or not.

8. And speaking of knowing it or not...

 

They don't. Here's the best part of your week, every week:

Bianca: Alasia. She just can’t get it together! This isn’t the first time she was late. You should learn from your mistakes and fix it.

Laura: Yes, ‘cause in the modelin’ world, the real world, anywhere: you can not be late. You are wastin’ people’s time.

Bianca: Would you have waited for her?
Laura: No.
Bianca: (Giggles)
Laura: I woulda been like, first level.
Bianca: (Giggles)

 

So, they're just saying words at each other at this point. Or, in the case of Bianca, not saying words and merely giggling. Nice. Why say words when you can not say words? That's what I always say, often silently.

9.

I miss the days when there was only one Tyra. :(

10. Annnnd, that's it. If they don't show Krista and Angelea zapping the very concept of "class" from "first class" next week, I'm gonna be mighty disappointed. But for now, I remain hopeful. Oooh, we're goin' to New Zealand!!!

All right, get outta here.

Comments

[jake]

AHHHHH! EXCELLENT!

[Vanessa M]

I wondered if you were going to point out the self-delusion of Anslee (will. so. not. miss) saying that while they didn't like her walk, she was herself--stern and strong. I can see the Cover Girl ad now "Easy, breezy, stern and strong-Cover Girl. Use it now or back up sweetheart!"

I take issue though. This overseas destination reveal was no less dumb than announcing Holland by putting Paulina into a wig with blonde braids.

RuPaul's Drag Race is what Top Model wishes it could be. The bitches have to model, sew their own clothes, lip sync, really sing, choreograph numbers, direct photo shoots-hell I can't even list it all here. Plus, Ru is a genuinely caring mentor. Ahem, Tyra.

[missy]

How in the world did Angelea's shot get second best??? The dress was too big and she her eyes were all but crossed. Again, hideous. New Zealand? Modeling capital of the world. I think Tyra is just embarassed and is taking them somewhere no one will see them.

[Hannah]

I'm not the only one who had Kym Sims on in the background and enjoyed seeing Mister Jay dancing away to it, right?

[Sue Ellen]

I would pay money to watch (in real time) all 22 hours of Angelea and Krista flying first class.

[famousamy]

Was it just me or did Drag-Queen-Tyra look more like Jennifer Hudson? (see http://www4.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/18th+Annual+Elton+John+AIDS+Foundation+Oscar+-mqNVuEHYPpl.jpg for a reference)

Excellent recap as always, Rich!

[yggie]

Hate. This. Cycle.
It's lost the cheesy magic.
That dress on Jessica, when she said she felt classy....bwahahahaha, for a street walker.
Yes, I truly hate this cycle but still enjoy your recaps.

RuPaul's show is fantastical and has better judges (Henry Rollins!!).

[huhwhat]

All those drag queens were BUSTED!! That must have been some serious part-time staff cause Lucky Cheng's has some great queens.

[aloria]

I am just thrilled about the fact that Raina yelled "Epic Failure" during the photoshoot. It doesn't take a lot to please me, I guess.

[Jonathan]

amazing recap!!...

Angelea's shot - what the front door was that!?

[Dara]

Mr. Four Four,
You didn't mention any thing that I thought you were going to mention this week: Anslee's runway walk, The girls being put into teams for no real reason, Anslee describing the idea behind a team.
When I saw that I thought "Oh, they're pitching Four-Four so many slow balls this week" But you surprised me. Way to do the unexpected.

[Morgan]

Saw an Old Navy commercial for shorts the other day, and I couldn't help finding it online and posting it here -- Angelea's twin??

Rawr.

[MOn]

Angelea's shot is just hideous.What were they thinking????

[Gail]

Angelea? Really? I mean really? She looks like a drag queen and unfortunately does not realize the difference between "being real," and using her education to her advantage. I can't imagine Cover Girl wanting their spokes-model to be that "real."

As for the hair dresses - I think I threw up a little in my mouth. Spiders, snakes, naked photo shoots on the back of an ostrich - no problem. But real human hair? PHOBIC! Alasia was the only girl with a decent costume (?) and her photo the only thing resembling "fashion." It was stunning actually. Old HollyWood glamour... I personally thought Angelea's was the worst of the worst. She looks like East Texas roadkill...

Meh. Muse go back to work.

[d]

Is Eugenia in the Clinique skin care ads? If yes, I love b/c if I remember correctly her skin was an issue on the show. Like Yaya doing Noxzema or whatever she did all those years ago.

Anyway, someone please confirm: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DnbD92eSsk

[Chantal]

I BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS ALL DAY THANK YOU SO MUCH SO DAMN FUNNY
AHHH I WAS HOPING FOR AN ALASIA SOUND BITE OF...
"ITS NOT WORKING"OVER AND OVER AGAIN

[kityglitr]

Rich, you know I love you and your ANTM recaps, but you thought Alasia's shot was better than Krista's? Okay, yes, Alasia did hit it on the nose immediately, but it's a FLUKE. At least Krista deserves that first class seat! And I too would pay money to watch all 22 hours of the Terrible Two classin it up on the plane.

[Emilady]

As the only hazily discernible girl leading the sheep in that first shot, YES I DO FEEL ELIMINATED. I guess there's only room in the editing booth for one "plus-size model" per episode.

[Vicki]

OK. Miss J in that pic above? TOTALLY Esther from Sanford & Son. I can't believe I never saw it before:

http://www.tvland.com/photogallery/photos/Sanford115b.jpg

[James McG]

I think if Krista's modelling career proves to be unsuccessful (coz you just KNOW Karl Lagerfeld is on the phone to her as we speak)then she should pursue a career in physical comedy. Like Jim Carey or something. Seriously the way her limbs and her face move are unreal. Rich, promise me that the week she's eliminated you will create a Krista gif wall tribute!

[mcmonkey]

As a New Zealander, I cannot wait to see the upcoming episodes. I'm placing bets on the cliched & stereotypical (holla ALT!) activities they'll participate in. Bungy jumping. A haka. Sheep Shearing. Abusing children. Binge drinking.

[sam]

Please could Pat Cleveland be the next regular judge? Please? I would also accept the regular appearance of that cowboy.

[annie]

The white canvas dress over the black lace was atrocious. I think they had leftover chair canvas and some cheap lace from the 80's and were told to "make it work."

I will not miss Anslee's grating voice. To see her in a CG commercial would have been way too painful for me. She should have been gone a few weeks ago.

[Az]

Okay. I had to drive to Jacksonville for an immigration interview the day before this show aired. My husband was watching it with me when we came back. He asked me what was up with Alasia. I told him to give her a break because she's young and she's from Marietta, GA. He says, "Honey, we were just there. Remember that gas station where we filled up the first time? That's Marietta." So based on what I saw in that gas station, I can tell you now that Alasia is a genius. At least by Marietta standards.

[Cookie]

<< On Alexandra's approximation of a shrub in The Lion King on Broadway... >> Oh dear, that was unfortunate. Eliminating the girls at this point isn't so hard, though...I mean, couldn't either of them have gone? And then, there's one or two lined up behind them. (starting with the Jersey type, brunette mall girl...what is her name?) I also thought it was ironic that Pat Cleveland was coaching the girls on projecting personality, when she hardly has one of her own. This season is so cheap...that rolled-out "runway" on a restaurant floor was a new low, production-wise. Did they drag it out of the kitchen?