Brenduuuuuh!

“I’d rather be struggling in my photos but learning something new every week instead of being known for the bitch,” said...whatever her name was.

39. Alasia



Instead of “model on a go-see,” Alaisa’s serving “model on a reality show.”

(“Model.”)

40. Alasia

Now there’s the Alasia I know!

Really, each gif is better than the last.

I have no idea what the fashion perspective would be (how hilarious, that, after watching this show!), but as far as the reality TV perspective goes Alasia is straight-up muse material.

41. Brenda



I’ve spent a longer amount of time thinking about this caption than I’ve spent thinking about Brenda in total up to this point. I’m so glad that this period on the show/in my life is almost over.

And speaking of periods, here’s my weekly:

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

“The reason you were called so late is because the judges are less than impressed with how you handled yourself in judging today. You went from a very sweet girl that we thought was, aw, Miss Apple Pie and so sweet and so lovable to somebody that was very combative. And it was not attractive to them and not somebody they’d want to hire or be around. Congratulations...”

So the judges are shitty judges of character. Whose fault is that? Also, somebody who’s very combative may not be someone the judges would want to hire for a photo shoot, but you can be damn sure that it’s somebody that they’d want to hire for a reality show since clearly (and fantastically) this crop has been chosen based almost entirely on its collective appetite for blood. In other words, Jessica is so right for being so wrong. I can’t even imagine how confusing that must be for her.



And speaking of confusing, are ya ready for the gizzard?



Love that he has "cauldrons" of love for Alasia. Told ya he was a wizard.

On Raina’s shot:



"I think you evoke an ice-capped volcano in this photograph."

Of course he’d make this comment the week that volcano in fucking Iceland became the biggest news story. You know how he coordinated that? Magic again, magic always.

On Jessica’s preemptive strike via footwear:



"The dogs have barked this week. What were you thinking with those shoes?"

Jessica, go walk those dogs so we can live in a fat-ass crib with thousands of kids.

Also on Jessica:

"Dreckhalla. The supreme level of fashionese."

I actually have no idea if the words I transcribed are accurate. I think what we’re seeing is a breakdown in language to something far more primal. I look forward to the day when the Talley Tally is just a bunch of grunts, sticks shaken and eyes rolled back in his old, saggy face (his words, I'll remind you!).

On Angelea:

"And I hear that you are very, very wonderful in your personal life."

Obviously, the peanut gallery’s reaction says it all:



Props to them for parsing it out and discerning what the fuck he’s talking about, because seriously, what the fuck is he talking about? “Wonderful in your personal life” means what, exactly? That Angelea is a nice person? That she’s successful in getting what she wants? That she’s a fascinating specimen to behold? That producers have prompted ALT with the wrong information perhaps to intentionally make him sound like a boob? Whatever, the fact is that even though this sounds ridiculous given Angelea’s aggression, I’d never argue against the assertion that the woman is full of wonders.

Also on Angelea:

"What I get from you is always realness."

That’s a very appropriate thing to get from a fashionista who’s packing meat. He must mean "realness" in the Paris Is Burning sense of the word.

And another one regarding Angelea:

"I feel HUMANITY!"

He means this as in, “Oh the...” Right?

And now, for a very special so-off-target-his-ass-is-in-Wal-Mart entry in the Nigeldicion series:

"You look best, I think, when you don’t look to camera. You’re a little scared of the camera, so whenever you stare at the camera, you give these sort of big doe eyes. And when you look off, your character comes in. Like, you can perform when you’re looking away. You’ve got to sort of try and pull that character and performance so you can do it at camera, too."

So, I’m confused. Is this praise for this week’s shoot (which led to Brenda’s elimination) or what? Because until this week’s crap shot...



...all we saw from Brenda was...



...staring at camera...



...and staring at camera...



...and staring at camera...



...and staring at camera...



...and staring at camera...



...and staring at camera without eyes...



...and staring at camera.

And while I agree that it’s all hideous, it’s strange that Nigel seems to imply that there's a further reference point beyond this week's shot when she looked off and it worked well. Or that doe eyes were involved. I know he shot them once (right? Or am I making that up? I don't even remember how to spell my last name most of the time, so help me out), so maybe his information goes somewhat beyond the shots of Brenda that we’ve seen. Something tells me, though, the real answer is he’s been secretly going through her film when Tyra’s locked away for hours in the bathroom on account of her IBS, like he pervert you know that he is.

Since this episode was essentially a battle royale (battle royass, maybe), I think it’s prudent to put odds on each of these girls should they find themselves fighting to the death for our enjoyment (nope – still not over The Hunger Games). This will serve as the bulk of the recap, since the bitching was incessant. I understand how this might get under people's skin, but I fucking love the tumultuous turn this show has taken. The art of out-assholing is one that I never tire of watching. At last, we have upon us an ANTM cast infused with actual creativity.

Seriously, cute little Nicole showed up advertorializing about LashBlast or some shit and carrying a message of peace and drama-avoidance…



…and it was completely turned into another point of support for all this bitching:

 

 

These girls are a different breed. They eat classy for breakfast and then throw it up all over each other in an offensive strike. I’d be scared out of my mind to be underground with them.

Anyway, I reckon the odds go something like:

Jessica (aka Malibu Barbie) - 1/1

Strengths:

- Utter fearlessness no matter what stature of asshole she faces (be it fellow ANTM contestant, judge or viewer).
- Absorbs knowledge like a sponge, according to Jay (she’s the only one who applied the body-type-dressing teach to the Tinsley Mortimer challenge).
- Is not too good for any task, no matter how worthless it is (see above example).
- Has crazy eyes that could throw off (or deeply interest) a fellow competitor who thinks the only things that eyes can do are smile and blink…





- Otherwise, doesn't let her fuse show, which makes her attitudinal pyrotechnical display all the more amazing. This adorable little slice of apple pie is all shock and awwwww!

Weaknesses:

- Seems not to enjoy fighting for the sport of it (prefers, for example a Seventeen shoot over barking at Alasisa).
- (Related) Wears her emotions on her sleeve a little too much...



Alasia aka Marietta Barbie - 2/1



Strengths:

- Will peck you to death with her finger...

- Can deafen competitors by just opening her mouth; Can confuse them in the same breath (“You can’t respect nobody damn else me," anyone?).
- Has an acute sense of smell underground.
- Is stealth – for example, she is a poet and she probably doesn’t know it ("Just shut, up. Shut, up. That’s how girls get beat, up where I’m from...").
- Has acute homing skills, especially regarding her own location:



- Seems to truly enjoy this constant bickering, or at least, its value as a release outlet.

Weaknessess:

- Is a terrible spy.

But hey, at least she came up with the idea of being a terrible spy. That’s better than most.

- Doesn’t realize that by giving away her spying...



...she has opened the door to being spied on (that’s why she’s a terrible spy).



Angelea (aka Angelia) - 4/1



Strengths:

- Went to a Redbook-endorsed (?!?) school.
- Is all the more deceptive as a result: "I’m smart. People would not believe that about me because of the way that I am," is AT LEAST as awesome as anything ALT says on his best day y/y? (And seriously: this does bespeak a self-awareness that’s rare and that, in turn, bespeaks intelligence.)
- Scratching.

- Doesn’t even trust her allies (check the side-eye):



- Takes no shorts EVER AT ALL: "So how does it feel being in the bottom? Raina? Brenda? It don’t feel good, do it?"; "Whuh-huh. Psht. Bitch, you did wrong."

- Really does enjoy the strife for the sport of it all ("It’s fun to instigate catfights.").

Weaknesses:

- May enjoys the strife a little too much, which could lead to distraction. She might also find her “Whuh-huh”s pointed back at her and would not hesitate to pounce on something, anything that insignificant.



Krista - 8/1

Strengths:

- Knows the two sides well (she gave us the team breakdowns at the start of the episode, as if we couldn’t smell a mile away the rancid coming from one side of the limo and the stank from the other).
- Has a giant mouth that could consume an adversary in a single gulp:

Weaknesses:

- Who?

Anslee - 15/1



- The hair really does give her height.



Weaknesses:

- Her child, for one.
- Frozen vegetables for another.

Raina - 30/1



- Proficient at copycatting. To review:



- Smiles in the face of opposition.



Weaknesses:

- She would like to have functioning relationships with all the girls, which is to say that she came here to make friends. She doesn't really get how this shit works.

Brenda - 100/1



Strengths:

- Could possibly irritate someone to death.
- Is a team player, according to Tyra, as witnessed in her hair...?
- Possesses self-confidence and a simultaneous lack of self-awareness (she proudly describes herself as "uppity"), which leads me to believe that she’d throw herself into the arena heedlessly.

Weaknesses:

- Responds to “Brenda,” not “bitch.”
- Has no concept of time (she claims to not have time to argue, when, duh, that’s all they have time to do, being on a reality show and locked in a car for a long amount of time to ensure that bitchiness simmers).
- Lacks fire and desire. No word on leather and lace, or the flesh and the fantasy, but I’d bet she lacks those, too.
- Possible osteoporosis (Jay Manuel: "There’s something about Brenda’s bones that makes her look a little more mature.").
- Can’t even find her waist.



- Was eliminated this episode. It seems obvious, but if this show and the Internet and the two combined have taught me anything, it’s that nothing is too obvious to state.

Alexandra - Who?/Who?

Strengths:

- Who?

Weaknesses:

- Who?

Also, seriously panel? She looks an Al Albert’s Showcase reject or maybe Margaux from Punky Brewster, mid-eye roll. I completed it when they started praising this shot.

Also...

...homegirl is serving some serious Thora Birch circa Hocus Pocus in this shot. Very appropriate for portraying an artist, as the tween Birch was perhaps THE artist of our time.

Oh, I guess I should touch on the weird cultural undercurrent of this strife. Alasia was very eager to point out differences (see the Barbie/Barbie references above) and also said, “I want them to come to my hood,” implying that they then would not leave.

Ugh, and then in response to Alasia’s confessional ranting, Jessica and Raina did this jivey, neck-rolly thing...

This is on the brink of a mess. Let’s all remember that before we are racists (not that anyone is or isn’t), we are all assholes. Take a deep breath, read a page of Conversations With God or The Turner Diaries, and move on.

You know who I like to turn to in these trying times? Gwen Stefani.



Just kidding (although: what?)! I'm actually referring to our favorite commentators ever...



...Laura and Bianca, now without eyes!!!

Their lack of eyes will make their in-depth discussions regarding the absolute obvious really a lot more useful:



Laura: I am so jealous that they get to shoot on a subway train, ‘cause I know when I’m up in the subway, I’m like, Oh, this would be so perfect.
Bianca: I think it was really, really cool and the girls seemed really excited.
Laura: But it is also really, really hard.



Bianca: (Gravely) Right.
Laura: I mean, I could barely just stand in the subway.
Bianca: Heh. Heh. Heh. I think the girls made it look really cool.

Something tells me that Laura often has a hard time finding her waist, too.

Anyway, I guess that’s it? Weird recap this week, I know, but I gotta change up my format to fit my feelings. You know how I do: the medium is the mess.

Do I get up and leave now?

Comments

[MD]

Was pure fate that set me to watching your killer Alasia forearm-spasm gifs with Grizzly Bear's "About Face" rolling as soundtrack -- and it is *such* dreckitudinous magic!! As would be anything, I imagine, by Blue Oyster Cult. Am cuing up to the "I Love You You Love Me" beginning to the Barney show as we speak, and expecting sheer genius. I foresee an entire day blown on setting her deeply glamorous limbseizures to music... Thanks, Rich. Thanks so much.

[Vanessa]

Rich,

I spent yesterday reading The Hunger Games and Catching Fire, inspired by last week's instructions. I am clearly currently obsessed. I think I may get too much of my pop culture guidance from you.

Great recap!

[I'm just sayin'...]

Combative? COMBATIVE?!? I laughed long and hard at that one. Not that Tyra misusing a vocabulary word is anything new, but unless they edited out footage of Jessica wielding a box cutter, this one was pretty ridiculous.

[I'm just sayin'...]

Combative? COMBATIVE?!? I laughed long and hard at that one. Not that Tyra misusing a vocabulary word is anything new, but unless they edited out footage of Jessica wielding a box cutter, this one was pretty ridiculous.

[Melissa]

Alasia's going to win this motherfucking thing isn't she?

[EarthmanJack]

That 3rd Alasia GIF is total "invisible handjob."

[Paddy]

What is that white thing in Krista's mouth?
Jessica-Alasia final 2.
Thanks Rich; my Monday is made.

[rhebok]

Oh Rich, I love you. I don't always get all of your pop culture references, since I'm Finnish, but then again, I doubt that most of the Americans do, either. The ones I get are hilarious though.

Did anybody else notice how Angelea's praised "Fashionista" look seems a lot like her "Bitch please" look? No? Okay. Keep on making my Mondays just a little bit sweeter.

[matthew]

I thought Alexandra's photo mostly looked like she was squeezing out a fart. I noticed they didn't give ALT's comment on it, just Nigel's , who loved it

[andrea]

brilliant recap, as usual.
but how could you not mention angelea's "when you livin' with girls, especially females, you gonna have that drama."
does this bespeak a self-awareness about her gender that, in turn, bespeaks intelligence?

[RP]

..Laura and Bianca, now without eyes!!!

How did they catch Youngblood's disease?

[Jason LeRoy]

I'm surprised you didn't mention Angelea's brilliant "This show isn't called America's Next Top Models!" comment, surely the best use of the show's non-title to justify stank behavior since Jade's legendary "America's Next Top Best Friend" moment. Just one more piece of evidence re: Angelea is the new Jade.

[Jonathan]

That was patently hillarious Rich!

[Elissa]

hahaha! I LOLOLOLOLed at the "Margeaux" reference and the GIFs.

[bobo]

Angelea may have went to one the top 150 schools, but as what? Surely not a student

[Sam]

I could have just died laughing with this one! Oooh man thank you for making my day much much better :D

[Caitlin Janzen]

Oh, I too must mention the "girls, especially females" quote. It was top-drawer.

[kityglitr]

Oh Rich! I thought for sure you would post Angelea's Covergirl photo. Half of the internet loves it, and the other half hates it! I personally thought it was devine... and as long as she keeps giving me the cat claws, and doing goofy dances, bitch can stay on the show for the next 10 years. America's Next Top Angelea FTW!

[Becky]

Ditto on the "girls, especially females" quote. Best. Ever. And this recap might have been best ever as well... love the part about Alasia's spy skills.

[Curlygirl]

An Al Albert's Showcase shout out?!?! I love you, Rich!!

[Chantal]

I FOUND SOMETHING A BIT SCANDALOUS AND WTF?
DID U KNOW THAT THE CYCLE 14 GIRLS HAD NO IDEA NICOLE WAS THE WINNER OF ANTM 13???
AND ALSO IF U LOOK BACK AT THEIR HOUSE THERE ARE NO PHOTOS OF NICOLE???WOW I WAS SHOCKED THEY PROBABLY BEEN DOING THIS 4 A WHILE NOW

[kdub]

All I could think when they were doing the subway shoot was, I am so glad I didn't need the shuttle between Times Square and Grand Central that day because I would have been piiiissed....

[CoreyB]

"My name's not Bitch, its Brenda." my fav line

[NessieBird]

Seriously? Alasia is totally up beating up the beat in the gifs from judging. She's brought together ANTM and JS. Girlfriend has blown my mind.

[NessieBird]

Seriously? Alasia is totally up beating up the beat in the gifs from judging. She's brought together ANTM and JS. Girlfriend has blown my mind.