Brenduuuuuh!

“I’d rather be struggling in my photos but learning something new every week instead of being known for the bitch,” said...whatever her name was.

39. Alasia



Instead of “model on a go-see,” Alaisa’s serving “model on a reality show.”

(“Model.”)

40. Alasia

Now there’s the Alasia I know!

Really, each gif is better than the last.

I have no idea what the fashion perspective would be (how hilarious, that, after watching this show!), but as far as the reality TV perspective goes Alasia is straight-up muse material.

41. Brenda



I’ve spent a longer amount of time thinking about this caption than I’ve spent thinking about Brenda in total up to this point. I’m so glad that this period on the show/in my life is almost over.

And speaking of periods, here’s my weekly:

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

“The reason you were called so late is because the judges are less than impressed with how you handled yourself in judging today. You went from a very sweet girl that we thought was, aw, Miss Apple Pie and so sweet and so lovable to somebody that was very combative. And it was not attractive to them and not somebody they’d want to hire or be around. Congratulations...”

So the judges are shitty judges of character. Whose fault is that? Also, somebody who’s very combative may not be someone the judges would want to hire for a photo shoot, but you can be damn sure that it’s somebody that they’d want to hire for a reality show since clearly (and fantastically) this crop has been chosen based almost entirely on its collective appetite for blood. In other words, Jessica is so right for being so wrong. I can’t even imagine how confusing that must be for her.



And speaking of confusing, are ya ready for the gizzard?



Love that he has "cauldrons" of love for Alasia. Told ya he was a wizard.

On Raina’s shot:



"I think you evoke an ice-capped volcano in this photograph."

Of course he’d make this comment the week that volcano in fucking Iceland became the biggest news story. You know how he coordinated that? Magic again, magic always.

On Jessica’s preemptive strike via footwear:



"The dogs have barked this week. What were you thinking with those shoes?"

Jessica, go walk those dogs so we can live in a fat-ass crib with thousands of kids.

Also on Jessica:

"Dreckhalla. The supreme level of fashionese."

I actually have no idea if the words I transcribed are accurate. I think what we’re seeing is a breakdown in language to something far more primal. I look forward to the day when the Talley Tally is just a bunch of grunts, sticks shaken and eyes rolled back in his old, saggy face (his words, I'll remind you!).

On Angelea:

"And I hear that you are very, very wonderful in your personal life."

Obviously, the peanut gallery’s reaction says it all:



Props to them for parsing it out and discerning what the fuck he’s talking about, because seriously, what the fuck is he talking about? “Wonderful in your personal life” means what, exactly? That Angelea is a nice person? That she’s successful in getting what she wants? That she’s a fascinating specimen to behold? That producers have prompted ALT with the wrong information perhaps to intentionally make him sound like a boob? Whatever, the fact is that even though this sounds ridiculous given Angelea’s aggression, I’d never argue against the assertion that the woman is full of wonders.

Also on Angelea:

"What I get from you is always realness."

That’s a very appropriate thing to get from a fashionista who’s packing meat. He must mean "realness" in the Paris Is Burning sense of the word.

And another one regarding Angelea:

"I feel HUMANITY!"

He means this as in, “Oh the...” Right?

And now, for a very special so-off-target-his-ass-is-in-Wal-Mart entry in the Nigeldicion series:

"You look best, I think, when you don’t look to camera. You’re a little scared of the camera, so whenever you stare at the camera, you give these sort of big doe eyes. And when you look off, your character comes in. Like, you can perform when you’re looking away. You’ve got to sort of try and pull that character and performance so you can do it at camera, too."

So, I’m confused. Is this praise for this week’s shoot (which led to Brenda’s elimination) or what? Because until this week’s crap shot...



...all we saw from Brenda was...



...staring at camera...



...and staring at camera...



...and staring at camera...



...and staring at camera...



...and staring at camera...



...and staring at camera without eyes...



...and staring at camera.

And while I agree that it’s all hideous, it’s strange that Nigel seems to imply that there's a further reference point beyond this week's shot when she looked off and it worked well. Or that doe eyes were involved. I know he shot them once (right? Or am I making that up? I don't even remember how to spell my last name most of the time, so help me out), so maybe his information goes somewhat beyond the shots of Brenda that we’ve seen. Something tells me, though, the real answer is he’s been secretly going through her film when Tyra’s locked away for hours in the bathroom on account of her IBS, like he pervert you know that he is.

Since this episode was essentially a battle royale (battle royass, maybe), I think it’s prudent to put odds on each of these girls should they find themselves fighting to the death for our enjoyment (nope – still not over The Hunger Games). This will serve as the bulk of the recap, since the bitching was incessant. I understand how this might get under people's skin, but I fucking love the tumultuous turn this show has taken. The art of out-assholing is one that I never tire of watching. At last, we have upon us an ANTM cast infused with actual creativity.

Seriously, cute little Nicole showed up advertorializing about LashBlast or some shit and carrying a message of peace and drama-avoidance…



…and it was completely turned into another point of support for all this bitching:

 

 

These girls are a different breed. They eat classy for breakfast and then throw it up all over each other in an offensive strike. I’d be scared out of my mind to be underground with them.

Anyway, I reckon the odds go something like:

Jessica (aka Malibu Barbie) - 1/1

Strengths:

- Utter fearlessness no matter what stature of asshole she faces (be it fellow ANTM contestant, judge or viewer).
- Absorbs knowledge like a sponge, according to Jay (she’s the only one who applied the body-type-dressing teach to the Tinsley Mortimer challenge).
- Is not too good for any task, no matter how worthless it is (see above example).
- Has crazy eyes that could throw off (or deeply interest) a fellow competitor who thinks the only things that eyes can do are smile and blink…





- Otherwise, doesn't let her fuse show, which makes her attitudinal pyrotechnical display all the more amazing. This adorable little slice of apple pie is all shock and awwwww!

Weaknesses:

- Seems not to enjoy fighting for the sport of it (prefers, for example a Seventeen shoot over barking at Alasisa).
- (Related) Wears her emotions on her sleeve a little too much...



Alasia aka Marietta Barbie - 2/1



Strengths:

- Will peck you to death with her finger...

- Can deafen competitors by just opening her mouth; Can confuse them in the same breath (“You can’t respect nobody damn else me," anyone?).
- Has an acute sense of smell underground.
- Is stealth – for example, she is a poet and she probably doesn’t know it ("Just shut, up. Shut, up. That’s how girls get beat, up where I’m from...").
- Has acute homing skills, especially regarding her own location:



- Seems to truly enjoy this constant bickering, or at least, its value as a release outlet.

Weaknessess:

- Is a terrible spy.

But hey, at least she came up with the idea of being a terrible spy. That’s better than most.

- Doesn’t realize that by giving away her spying...



...she has opened the door to being spied on (that’s why she’s a terrible spy).



Angelea (aka Angelia) - 4/1



Strengths:

- Went to a Redbook-endorsed (?!?) school.
- Is all the more deceptive as a result: "I’m smart. People would not believe that about me because of the way that I am," is AT LEAST as awesome as anything ALT says on his best day y/y? (And seriously: this does bespeak a self-awareness that’s rare and that, in turn, bespeaks intelligence.)
- Scratching.

- Doesn’t even trust her allies (check the side-eye):



- Takes no shorts EVER AT ALL: "So how does it feel being in the bottom? Raina? Brenda? It don’t feel good, do it?"; "Whuh-huh. Psht. Bitch, you did wrong."

- Really does enjoy the strife for the sport of it all ("It’s fun to instigate catfights.").

Weaknesses:

- May enjoys the strife a little too much, which could lead to distraction. She might also find her “Whuh-huh”s pointed back at her and would not hesitate to pounce on something, anything that insignificant.



Krista - 8/1

Strengths:

- Knows the two sides well (she gave us the team breakdowns at the start of the episode, as if we couldn’t smell a mile away the rancid coming from one side of the limo and the stank from the other).
- Has a giant mouth that could consume an adversary in a single gulp:

Weaknesses:

- Who?

Anslee - 15/1



- The hair really does give her height.



Weaknesses:

- Her child, for one.
- Frozen vegetables for another.

Raina - 30/1



- Proficient at copycatting. To review:



- Smiles in the face of opposition.



Weaknesses:

- She would like to have functioning relationships with all the girls, which is to say that she came here to make friends. She doesn't really get how this shit works.

Brenda - 100/1



Strengths:

- Could possibly irritate someone to death.
- Is a team player, according to Tyra, as witnessed in her hair...?
- Possesses self-confidence and a simultaneous lack of self-awareness (she proudly describes herself as "uppity"), which leads me to believe that she’d throw herself into the arena heedlessly.

Weaknesses:

- Responds to “Brenda,” not “bitch.”
- Has no concept of time (she claims to not have time to argue, when, duh, that’s all they have time to do, being on a reality show and locked in a car for a long amount of time to ensure that bitchiness simmers).
- Lacks fire and desire. No word on leather and lace, or the flesh and the fantasy, but I’d bet she lacks those, too.
- Possible osteoporosis (Jay Manuel: "There’s something about Brenda’s bones that makes her look a little more mature.").
- Can’t even find her waist.



- Was eliminated this episode. It seems obvious, but if this show and the Internet and the two combined have taught me anything, it’s that nothing is too obvious to state.

Alexandra - Who?/Who?

Strengths:

- Who?

Weaknesses:

- Who?

Also, seriously panel? She looks an Al Albert’s Showcase reject or maybe Margaux from Punky Brewster, mid-eye roll. I completed it when they started praising this shot.

Also...

...homegirl is serving some serious Thora Birch circa Hocus Pocus in this shot. Very appropriate for portraying an artist, as the tween Birch was perhaps THE artist of our time.

Oh, I guess I should touch on the weird cultural undercurrent of this strife. Alasia was very eager to point out differences (see the Barbie/Barbie references above) and also said, “I want them to come to my hood,” implying that they then would not leave.

Ugh, and then in response to Alasia’s confessional ranting, Jessica and Raina did this jivey, neck-rolly thing...

This is on the brink of a mess. Let’s all remember that before we are racists (not that anyone is or isn’t), we are all assholes. Take a deep breath, read a page of Conversations With God or The Turner Diaries, and move on.

You know who I like to turn to in these trying times? Gwen Stefani.



Just kidding (although: what?)! I'm actually referring to our favorite commentators ever...



...Laura and Bianca, now without eyes!!!

Their lack of eyes will make their in-depth discussions regarding the absolute obvious really a lot more useful:



Laura: I am so jealous that they get to shoot on a subway train, ‘cause I know when I’m up in the subway, I’m like, Oh, this would be so perfect.
Bianca: I think it was really, really cool and the girls seemed really excited.
Laura: But it is also really, really hard.



Bianca: (Gravely) Right.
Laura: I mean, I could barely just stand in the subway.
Bianca: Heh. Heh. Heh. I think the girls made it look really cool.

Something tells me that Laura often has a hard time finding her waist, too.

Anyway, I guess that’s it? Weird recap this week, I know, but I gotta change up my format to fit my feelings. You know how I do: the medium is the mess.

Do I get up and leave now?

Comments

[GilV]

Brenda = Howard the Duck

[Looka]

Great recap!

Seriously, you're the reason I keep watching this god awful cycle.

Also, the Laura-Bianca verbatim flashbacked me, for some reason, to beavis and butthead (one for the old folks out there).

[S Dawg]

Gravely... hahaha

[Vanessa M]

I never watch the show and think "Man oh man would I love to be in THAT house." Maybe if I could be in a house with just Celia, Allison and Laura. But anyways, this season makes me all kinds of glad I don't live with this potpourri of sociopaths, assholes and tabula rasas. Well, ok Raina seems like a nice girl. She'll probably confess her love for Leni Riefenstahl next week now that I've said that.

And speaking of Laura, I can definitely see the wisdom of pairing her and Bianca-two of the best confessional givers evah-but what is the point if they are fed canned and spectacularly non-witty lines? Particularly when both are so bad at delivering them. I was filled with such joy when I first saw that segment but it's turning out to be full of fail. On a positive note, Bianca looks soooo much better than she did after her Tyra makeover. That girl is striking.

(btw, I had The Hunger Games in my Goodreads queue for some time. You are going to force me to put it on reserve now I see.)

[Heikki Quick]

"They eat classy for breakfast and then throw it up all over each other in an offensive strike." Bwa ha ha!!! I love you.

[bonzai]

Alasia GIFS were like GIFS from God!
I loved that u called Nigel on his bullshit about Brenda and her sideways eyes....
Angelea's girls not females quote was hands down the best thing anyone has said on this show since Jade mentioned elephants and dinosaurs in the same sentence.
I think this is the bitchiest house of girls in a while, i can't remember the last time things got so bad...this is worse than the time when tahlia and celia divided the house.
i never get to see the bianca laura banter during break,so that's always a treat to see.

[Nicole]

There was so much yelling in this episode that I turned the volume down and ignored it until they got to the shoot. The only reason I powered through it was because I had your recap to look forward to.

[Anne Noise]

The Three (Two) (Oh, wait, I guess Alexandra is still around, so back to Three) Musketeers were downright sane compared to the vitriol that explodes out of Alaisa's face at all times.

But the fact that they were so prim and proper made them quite cunty.

Thank God Brenda is gone. Long live Bre 2.0!

[Mia]

1. My face hurts. Thanks for the good times, Rich!

2. Jessica is a witch. And I'm willing to go with racist - at least a bit.

3. EVERYTHING about ALT makes me laugh. Everything. And then I laugh again when you recap him.

4. ANTM is clearly doing something to me. A girl like me, from a rural town of proper-speaking white folk, should not have thought Alasia's “You can’t respect nobody damn else me," made such perfect sense that I had to actually listen to it to make sure YOU hadn't missheard (sorry - accept my apology. I will never doubt you again).

[Anastasia]

No wonder Jessica was "COMBATIVE"--Tyra told her she looked like a skank!

[Brian]

Hocus Pocus has been my secret favorite childhood movie for years, and really wouldn't we all be better off if we took wardrobe inspiration from that movie. I never leave the house without looking in the mirror and asking myself, would Kathy Najimy wear this? Sistaaaaahs!

[annie]

Your ALT comments always have me laughing. You seem to have unique insight into his wizardly ways.

Does anyone else see Ed Grimley when Brenda nakes her short hair stand up? That was my instant reaction to the first shots of her this past episode. Poor girl is kinda goofy-looking, but not in a model way.

[T.R]

I completely lost it at "acute homing skills".

[spoilsport]

I thought Angelea said "A top 150 ranked Red Bull" school. That couldn't be good.

[Meg]

One of your best recaps. Plain & simple.

[?]

Mila,
I assume I'll be called racist too.
ALTm spout nothing but nonsense - how the hell does he have anything to do with Vogue - or any written medium?

Tyra in the past had complained asking why it is always the black girls she casts that are the bitches. My question also.

Angelea looked soft and pretty in her shoot, far more so than any of the previous.

I liked Brenda's photos, so sad she is out.
I think Jennifer's problem was she had the nerve (or lack of sense?) to try to respond without crying that she's sorry and will never wear heels again.

[Val]

How are Anslea and Krista still on this show? Don't get me wrong, Brenda needed to go but those other 2 shoulda done been gone by now! Can Naduah and Gabrielle be snuck back in?

[Sue Ellen]

Does anyone else feel like Alasia is a total piece of shit? She and that fat asshole from American Idol should have a histrionics competition--she can fall on the floor and pump her fists and he can pump his chest and point to Heaven faster and faster until their fucking heads explode.

[Paola]

"so-off-target-his-ass-is-in-Wal-Mart"
You are briliant.

[Tee]

Was Alasia wearing the same gray t shirt at panel that they showed her wearing to bed the previous night when she was spying outside the confessional? WTH?

[Gwen]

I think all my problems in life can be traced back to the fact that I was never accepted in a Redbook-endorsed school. Did anyone else notice that she said "Top 150"? You know Angelea is proud to have attended Redbook's number 149 Buffalo School of Cosmotology or something!!!!

[matthew]

Alasia's voice gives me the type of headache that I will wistfully miss, once she's eliminated

[V]

i probably shouldn't have read this at work, way too funny! love your recaps.

[Adam O'Brien]

I don't think Jessica and Raina are being racist, though I knew upon sight that it would be deemed as that. So I'm glad that you haven't seen things that way either.

If Alasia was black and didn't act the in the manner they were mimicking, it would be a different story. However, they're merely imitating her particular aggressive gestures.

People play the race card far too easily. Thanks again, Rich, for defusing it a little.

[Schmoe]

Ugh, Alasia is just too hood-rat, chickenhead to advance. It's not how she looks, it's how she behaves all Sh'Nay-Nay with the fingernail flashing. Embarrassing to black chicks.