My spring break

As mentioned earlier this week, Tracie and I spent the past weekend in Orlando. It was her gift to me for being in her wedding, and it may be my favorite present of all time. There was rarely a down moment, the weather was amazing, the whole time was just good, clean fun. The highlight of our trip was our visit to the Magic Kingdom, which is really the gold star of theme parks. I know this is obvious, but you can't really grasp just how amazing that place is until you are there. Everything is organized, down to the table where you sit after you get your short-order meal at Pecos Bill's. The rides never stop coming -- almost every single one has a never-ending stream of empty cars so that the lines never stop moving. For the ones where this matters little and there is still major buildup, you can get a "Fast Pass." There is a machine outside each ride, in which you put your park ticket. Out pops a slip that allows you to essentially move to the front of the line when you come back at the time it designates (you can only get one of these every two hours). So, essentially, you get to see the park or eat or go on a ride that doesn't accrue quite as long of a wait while you'd otherwise be waiting in line. Ingenious. You often hear people bitching about prices of food in the park, but I found it very reasonable (maybe I wouldn't have if I had mouths to feed other than my own). I spent less on my two meals and various snacks than I would have if I ate out for all my meals during a single day in New York. T-shirts, too, averaged $20 or so (not that I bought any -- they were all horrible). And just the way so many of the non-thrill rides are set up -- as 4-D narratives -- is just so inventive and amazing. It's a medium that has basically gone unexplored since with good reason: Walt got it right the first time.

In all, my biggest complaint is that there was so little to complain about. Sure, everywhere you go, people are in the way, but the Disney-based euphoria anesthetizes most irritation a crab like me is prone to. Yeah, you could bitch about the mom who walks like she's half-committed to escaping an alligator (a slow zig-zag) or the dad who pushes his stroller with such halting entitlement, it's as though he's the star of his own one-man Main Street parade or the child that just assaulted you probably on purpose as you happened to walk by him while he was throwing his tantrum. Or you could just turn your head and fix your eyes on a giant piece of Americana kitsch or any number of furries feeling up children or some ingenious design that looks like an aspiration of your grandmother's kitchen.

Also, there weren't enough freaks and weirdos for my taste. Sure, there were some, but not enough to play even a supporting role in my gawking. The most reliable sources of people-watching joy were little girls dressed as princesses, who seemed outfitted by people determined to interpret the concept of "virgin-whore" as literally as possible. My favorite was a little girl who couldn't have been more than 3-years-old that looked frighteningly similar to Beyoncé, lace-front and all. I snapped some shots of these sub-beauty pageant "beauties," but I'm not posting them because that would be weird. Not weirder than just having them on my computer, but whatever. That's private. (And you can obviously rest assured that I am not masturbating to them.) I really went prepared to just go up to whomever and say, "Can I take your picture?" but once there, I realized what a creep I would sound like if I asked, "Can I take your little girl's picture?" So I just did it secretly. Creepy, yes, but also covert. I know how to play the game.

Anyway, Disney is so visited that it seems a little silly to share my observations in any great detail beyond what I just wrote. If you are interested, I have some pictures and brief commentary below on some of the more surprising things from our visit to Disney World, as well as the terribly disappointing Holy Land Experience.

First of all...

 

...this is the culmination of our culture's open acceptance of fake hair: Disney-branded clip-ins for small children. Somehow, all the honesty we've developed regarding smoke and mirrors seems like a really, really bad idea.

And speaking of things you can buy that are really bad ideas...

 

 

...Ed Hardy-inspired mousewear seems like the grossest cross-branding imaginable. And, what? No Daisy Duck douche nozzle to go with the vibe?

 

Because everyone loved Jar Jar Binks so much that there was a market for a $200 statue satirizing him. 

 

In another weird cross-marketing scheme, Disney has been the surprising pioneer to bring together the worlds of spoon-resting and sex-toying. 

 

And while the food is, like I said, inexpensive by my standard, it also isn't really food by my standard, either. It's almost entirely short-order, fatty crap to the point where sandwiches count as "entrées." What a country!

We ended up eating dinner at Tony's, the "Italian" "restaurant" inspired by Lady and the Tramp. Tracie wondered how many couples did the chomping-on-opposite-ends-of-spaghetti-leading-into-a-kiss bit, and even though I ordered linguine, I was in no mood to become just another statistic. Also, as you can see, there is a fountain in the middle of Tony's. Again, I say: what a country!

 

And speaking of countries: what a big blur of stereotypes It's a Small World is. Don't get me wrong: I loved the live-cartoon design, and I don't think it's hateful. I know that the stereotypes are just shorthand and that the ultimate message is unity. Still, I couldn't help but wonder...

 

...haven't the aborigines suffered enough?

This guy got really gussied up for his Disney day:

 

I love every bit of Space Mountain (a roller coaster set in outer space is obviously the best idea ever)...

 

...including the lighting in the big room in which you board the coaster. The entire walk-through area is in fact so gorgeous that it makes waiting in line entirely pleasant.

 

So does this, which can be viewed in line of Splash Mountain. If the side of a barn says that everything is satisfactual, then dagnamit, it is! (Also, how insane is it that the racist embarrassment on the Disney legacy that is Song of the South is immortalized with its own ride, and one that's essential to the Magic Kingdom experience at that?)

In line for Thunder Mountain, we saw this:

 

It's plausible, but U + Uncle Walt = :)ier. Like, really, who the hell are they trying to tell about happiness? Visitors to the happiest place on earth?

That message would have been better blasted above the Holy Land Experience where U + God = Zzzzz.

Don't get me wrong -- this theme-park recreation of Jerusalem full of temples and costume-wearing workers...

 

...and figures of religious figures...

(I think that's Jonah?)

...and models of Jerusalem within the model of Jerusalem that is the actual park...

 

...and Jesus presenting Jesus presenting boxing gloves...

...and Jesus presenting nothing...

 

I actually positioned myself so that Jesus was feeling my butt. Tracie took a picture of it, but I won't post it because...

 

...they asked nicely.

Oh, and speaking of butts...

 

...Tracie was freaking out about how much whatever that is next to the octopus looks like a puckered butthole.

There are more mangers there than I've ever seen during the Christmas off-season...

 

...and also, isn't it a little hypocritical for those so concerned with the "natural" world to anthropomorphize animals (to the best of their technological ability)?

 

Whatever. At least these deer statues have a nice place to sit:

 

Also, there were cut-out things you could pose in (Tracie did, but since it said "No one under 10 admitted," I didn't want to risk it, lest I be struck down to hell immediately instead of eventually):

 

They make no logical sense, unless they're supposed to be some combination of Biblical imagery and the chestburster scene from Alien.

The freaks and weirdos were hard to come by here, too, which shocked me even more. Why is everyone so fucking normal? We sat down in this gorgeous temple and promptly got up and left after we realized no one was going to come out and sword-fight and that we'd just be listening to some non-charismatic preacher yammer on about the Old Testament. Before leaving, though, I did catch an animal-print trio laid out all in a row:

 

After hitting every single gift shop (which were all essentially the same store), we left. There was nothing else to it. There wasn't even anything to be offended by. The closest anyone came to proselytizing was when a guy in the first gift shop tried to push a $2.98 picture book of old Jerusalem on me (he made me look through it and everything). I bought a few Christian propaganda DVDs instead. (Posts TK, obviously.) There were also some members of the Atheists of Florida there that we spotted in one of the food courts via their T-shirts identifying them in giant white letters. But even they were disappointing: they were really laid-back and curious, they told us they got in for free (Godlessness saved them each $30!) and that no one had harassed them all day. They verged on even getting preachy with us -- I don't think they ever got that we were all essentially on the same side, even though when they asked why we were there, I told them it was because we were into Christian kitsch. It was all so peaceful and Christlike, I couldn't help but feel let down.

Comments

[monika]

just read this to my co-workers (who i rarely talk to because, like the disney inhabitants, they're not wierd enough). they loved it. i love you. you are such important part of my life, rich.

[monika]

oh my god, oh my god...there's more!!! i only read up until the hilarious account of you snapping little girls.

[Maya]

You have just thrown gasoline on the fire of my determination to visit Disney World as a childless adult.

[Jacinda]

Disney World is my favorite place ever. Great report. :)

[Wanda]

I CANNOT believe that the Holy Land Experience exists! I am going to Orlando in August and we were all looking forward to Harry Potter Land at Universal but now I want to add this to my schedule! DYING to see the DVD's you got! This post made my Thursday. I love you!(Is that weird? I dont care...I cant deny my love any longer)

[Mikey]

Matt and I went to Disney three weeks ago and the same sky-writing was in the air! It happened while we were at Animal Kingdom, and it ended up being in every god damn photo we took of the giant tree in the center of the park!

[Brian]

my favorite gay blogger visits one of my favorite places on earth - well at least comes really, really close to visiting EPCOT. :)

seriously, you should go back and visit EPCOT if you liked the Magic Kingdom. It's designed for adults.

[gem]

the tri-animal print was my fave

glad you had fun!

[matt]

I'm so happy to see you didn't poopoo disney. When I saw the pic and heard you had been in Orlando, I thought, "oh god, another person who thinks its cool to make fun of disney" but I'm so glad you got wrapped up in the disney magic, even a jaded blogger like you! I know its horrible, but really, it is the happiest place on earth, and the only problems with it, in my mind are:

1. Its in Florida, the wang of america
2. Its too difficult to run away and live in disney full time, which is pretty much all I wanted to do after my very brief visit there several years ago (it wasn't really on the schedule for the vaca, but i insisted I had to go).

[Elissa]

I'm glad you enjoyed Disney, Rich. We went about 18 months ago, and I loved it. We don't have kids, either. Epcot is definitely a must see if you plan to go back.

I think there should be a WinstonWorld with themed rides and food. The food experience could be completed by giving park-goers the chance to gnaw on inanimate objects like fast-food lids and chopsticks! I would be there in a second! :)

[Julie]

I agree with matt, I am so happy that you had a positive Disney experience. I am one of those weirdos who loves Disney, it is my favorite place to visit. I think it is because once I am there, I have nothing to worry about, I just enjoy myself. But I get tired of people giving me weird looks when they hear that my husband and I, who do not have nor have any desire to have children, love disney world. Glad to hear you aren't one of these types.
As for the other place, I never knew it existed, am not religious, but now I think I have to go see this for myself. How crazy.

[Andrea]

This was wonderful! When are you and Tracie going to start doing Pot Psychology again? I've missed it.

[N.]

I guess it's a completely different experience going to Disneyworld for the first time (or at least, for the first time as a childless adult), than living in the area most of your life like I did and and having Disney and theme parks shilled to you from every corner. It's probably the same for living in any tourist attraction, I would imagine.

Also, you went at a good time of year, as the weather has been great and what usually gets people the most crabby in the parks generally seems to be the unbearable humidity and temperatures and the ridiculous lines for all the rides during peak season. Try staying cheery when you've been waiting in line 95 minutes for the Kali River Rapids in 100˚F temperature and 95% humidity (and the FastPasses ran out at 9:30 am).

If you ask me, the weirdos seem to largely congregate at Busch Gardens in Tampa anyways.

[Mark]

Do they still have the Via Dolorosa musical show at the Holy Land Experience? I remember seeing it a few years ago and it was excellent. They whipped and crucified Jesus right in front of us!

[MB]

More proof that you are the best.

I was there last Fall, and the Peter Pan guy from Pixyland.org and his wife were there for a Halloween party, where a lot of people were in costume so they blended right in. I saw Mrs. Tinkerbell and asked her if I could take her picture, and she said yeah. My approach (remember in case I ever see you in real life somewhere): "Excuse me, but aren't you famous on the Internet?"

[Teal]

You saw the holy skywriting! I live in the Orlando area, and I thought I was going crazy for a couple of days. It usually shows up above a shopping center I visit, so I guess any highly populated area will do.

My grandmother went to the Holy Land Experience once. She saw the Passion recreation they have, and was so moved when the children in the audience cried at seeing Jesus whipped, complete with fake blood. She took it as a sign of their great faith. I would assume that a child would cry watching anyone being tortured, but what do I know?

[Dan]

my parents dragged me to the HLE about five years ago when we were in Orlando. I had on a Wheaton College shirt (one of the best Xian schools academically, but still miles behind culturally) and some crazy guy started yelling about how they were letting the gays in. Turns out they let a gay rights group on campus once...

[Katie]

I'm fairly sure amusement park food only seems reasonably priced if you're from New York. I remember going to amusement parks before I moved to New York and thinking it was insane. After I moved to New York, they seemed perfectly reasonable. It's like Manhattan is its own special theme park.

[Liz]

I used to (well, still do but it's complicated) work at Disney and that sky writer was out maybe once a week. He has a few gems, but that and GOD <3 U were obviously his favorites.

[Sarah]

OMG.
1. You're the only person besides my husband and I that I know who has BEEN to the Holy Land Experience.

2. My money quote from the THLE was from a clerk in the gift shop: "Are you sticking around for the crucifixion? It really is a MUST SEE!" She was so (inappropriately) excited about murdering Christ that we HAD to stick around. It was everything we hoped it would be.

3. My fave part was the Melancholy Gladiator - some dude who had to act dejected while singing and dancing. It was hilarious and awesome, although the Resurrection was pretty good too.

We went on a lark and don't drink the KoolAid but I felt like it was worth every dollar. Also, the tour through the history of the bible thing was laughable and also scary/awesome.

[White Chocolate]

As someone from Orlando, I gotta ask:

(1) Did you go to Islands of Adventure (best coasters and beer (for drunken antics); or
(2) Downtown Orlando (for the clubs with Casey Anthony style party girls and aging goths)? or
(3) Sea World (KILLER whales); or
(4) EPCOT (for weird animatronics).

If not, you have to go back.

[Christine]

I've never been to Disney World buuuuut Disneyland (Anaheim) is the greatest place to ever exist. So there's that.

[Liz]

Oh, if you are interested in some real religious theme park action you'll have to get to Buenos Aires, home of Tierra Santa. There's a resurrection every 30 minutes (a HUGE Jesus coming out of the side of a mountain, turning slightly side to side while Hallelujah plays over the loudspeaker).

Google that shit. Then put up another Pot Psych, I'm getting antsy.

[Sunjana1]

Next time you come to visit us, don't go to any of the theme parks. The real freaks and weirdos actually live in Orland itself, and rarely go to the theme parks. Great funny post as I always expect to get from you. :)
If you do come back, and go to a park. I suggest EPCOT. And if it's October - go to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal.

[caroline]

omg could you PLEASE find a funder for winston world?