Shits and Dr. Giggles

Here's what I have to say about Tom Six's The Human Centipede (First Sequence):

Just kidding! Of course I have more to say than that. I just wish the movie were a tenth as good as this video.

You'd probably think that a movie about a doctor who surgically attaches three people ass-to-mouth-to-ass-to-mouth would be anything but boring. Alas, The Human Centipede is dull, dull, dull. Once you understand its conceit (and if you haven't been keeping up with the considerable hype, you understand plenty after reading the first sentence of this paragrah), the movie has little more to offer than some yellow pus, pulled teeth and gunplay in terms of surprises. Unlike eye-pummel fests such as Cannibal Holocaust, Salò, or whatever else you want to pick from the 20 or so films that consistently end up on Most Disturbing Movies Of All Time!!!! lists, Centipede cannot keep up its pace or its propensity to shock. (It never even reveals its human mash-up invention its entirety -- the individuals of the centipede remain wrapped in gauze and we only see a few stray shots of ass-mouth attachment.) It is essentially one really sophisticated Saw trap stretched out to run the course of an entire film. After a while, it practically ceases its narrative structure and collapses into a pile of whimpers.

Set in Germany, The Human Centipede arrives with a pile of horror cliches in tow. American ignorance descends upon a foreign land with a fatal outcome (An American Werewolf In London, Hostel, The Ruins, Turistas) when two bimbos prone to making the worst possible decision when given the choice decide to travel to the city for some fun (Last House on the Left), get lost and then a flat tire (The Hills Have Eyes) that was probably intentionally inflicted (Hills again, also Wrong Turn), come to find they have no cell-phone service (every horror movie ever), are sexually harassed by a stranger in a perverted calm before the storm (Hostel 2), go searching for some help and come upon a house in the woods (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) that is owned by a mad scientist who wants to use them for an extreme human experiment (Guinea Pig/the Holocaust). In the end, there is a final girl. I bet there are dozens more previous films that could be filled in along the way. Said house owner, Dr. Heiter, is as over-the-top as Freddy Krueger on his mugging-est, most one-liner filled day. Before the roofies with which he spikes the girls drinks kick in (he makes sure to point out that he's given them "the rape drug," just in case the sexual violence of this all needs reinforcing), he hisses at them, "I don't like human beings." When he gets to the part of the explanation of his experiment in which he unveils its name, he spits it out with the kind of grandeur that can only accompany an actor stating the title of the movie that he's appearing in. After the surgery, he bellows, "I did it. Ha! Ha! Ha!" Literally, he does it like that, with each "Ha!" distinct and pronounced. Following an unlikely chase that finds the centipede making their way up spiral stairs, an injured Heiter slowly follows them, pausing to lick the blood off a step. A few of this movie's supporters point out its dark humor, but Heiter is pure, unambiguous camp.

The cliches beg you to consider this movie in the scheme of horror cinema, and from that angle Centipede's inventiveness merits praise. In a horror landscape that looks like piles of garbage being readied for recycling, the human-attachment aspect of Centipede really does stick out as fresh. And when's the last time the very concept of a film had so many people rapt with morbid curiosity? Too bad the conceit is as figuratively a bunch of crap as it is literally. Heiter's plan is for his three-person creation to share a digestive system, but merely attaching people and leaving their intestines intact does not accomplish this. The head eats, digests and shits into the middle's mouth which goes through her digestive system and passes to the next only to go through her digestive system. Oh yeah, and if you only eat shit, you die really quick. You'd think a licensed professional (one who bills himself as "the leading surgeon in separating Siamese twins") would understand that the basic workings of the human body ordain his creation to fail. You think he'd also know that nobody says "Siamese twins" anymore, particularly licensed professionals. I suppose this makes the tagline ("100% medically accurate") more camp.

All the moaning and complaining, the suffersploitation, the solitude of Heiter and the centipede head's tearful confession about his crooked life prior to having a woman's lips attached to his anus, suggest that life is shit. Well, it only follows that so is this movie.

Comments

[Laurie]

I can't read this because I haven't been able to get rimmed or rim someone without gagging since I first heard about this movie. It's been at least a half a year I think? I always think I forget about, and then BOOM. Someone else brings it up. :(

[Alicia]

Wow, Laurie... Thanks so much for sharing. I'm sure Rich and everyone else reading this needed to hear that. TMI at it's highest form!

[Beth]

I was looking forward to your review of this one, Rich! I knew I wouldn't see it, and I had a strong feeling after seeing the trailer that it wasn't necessary. They revealed way too much. And unclench, Alicia.

[spazmo]

I, for one, admire Laurie's candor.

When they write the script for Human Centipede 2 : The Re-Pedening, I hope they address these very concerns that a post-ass-to-mouth survivor would encounter in his or her sex life.

At the very least, there'd be some major "attachment issues". (Sorry)

[JUST A NORMAL GUY (THE ORIGINAL)]

WELL I WANDER IF REBBIE HAD TO RE-EMBERSING THE MUSEUM BECASUE SHE MESSED UP THEY'RE MOST TREASURED MASTER-PEICE, THE PAINTING. WELL ITS LIKE WHEN THAT PERSON SHOT A LIGHTENING BOLT AT THE PICCASO PAINTING 'AN ACTOR', RIPPING IT

[Lorin]

Is the camp a bad thing? I thought HC:FS was pretty hilarious in a good way and sick and disgusting in just the right amounts.

[Laurie]

Alicia: *its

[Robert]

I'm still going to see it. I have an unnatural fascination with this film and I hate grossout horror. Just reading a very detailed plot summary set my mind racing. And the fact that the director only made this film to get the horror world ready for the sequel by establishing rules he will intentionally break makes it even better.

However, if it's boring as all get out, I will have no problem walking out of IFC and spending my precious NYC visiting time elsewhere.

[Elaine]

I'm so disappointed that you thought The Human Centipede was boring, Rich! I've been looking forward to it forever...but I'll probably still see it anyways. I mean, how can you not??

[studpup]

first of all, brilliant first comment laurie! second, i had higher hopes for this film. (dunno what that says about me! lol) and last, *of course* you posted that vid rich! of course! ^^

[CP]

Thank you for seeing this movie so I didn't have to! I had the curiousity thing happening but when describing it to any of my friends all i got were "Sounds like an online prank" or "you sick f*ck" and I don't think I would have survived this one on my own.

[Limey]

Dang, Rich. You watch some sick shit.

[Tramputee]

"And when's the last time the very concept of a film had so many people rapt with morbid curiosity?"

Right! I'm dissapointed you didn't like it b/c you're usually right, but I'll still be first in line whe it premieres in DC next week. The fact alone that the very premise of HC makes me respond viscerally (literally, with nausea), well, I need to chase that feelin'.

[matt]

Ugh, I'm so glad that this isn't good, because the entire concept is so ridiculous, I was afraid it was going to turn into a saw like franchise.

Its too bad though, becasue when I saw the title of the post I really thought you were re-examining Dr. Giggles, a totally underrated movie IMHO.

[Chaely]

Pardon the pun, but this look like the biggest load of crap to grace the silver screen in ages. What a dud.

[Neil]

dude go watch The Sinful Dwarf

[DLCF]

The line to watch "Martyrs" again to take the edge off forms over to your left.

[Kim]

I figured you were going to review this movie and I was waiting to watch it OnDemand until I saw what you thought of it. Thanks for saving me $3!

[K]

holy shit that music video is unfathomable

[NotOkay]

I saw the trailer and had a nightmare about it the following evening. I LOVE horror movies, but I don't think I can see this snooze-scat-fest.

[Bapril]

Laurie and Spazmo: 2 best comments, like, ever.

[mutterhals]

Oh man, normally I agree with you on movies, but not in this case. I thought it was really well done, considering the subject matter. The fact that they treated it seriously and even came close to pulling it off is a feat within itself. Oh, and in keeping with this theme, check out Sweet Movie(http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072235/) muwhahahahaha!

[Vanessa M]

Can I just say I loved "Centipede" (both song and video) in the 80's. LOVED it. Huh, the video seemed a lot cooler then.

[Mrs.Missus]

Spazmo, The Re-Pedening? Thought I would die. Thank you for that.

And Rich, even though I trust your taste in movies (Martyrs was the best ever) I still need to see this.

[Flex Factor]

The song in the video is very melodious. I really liked it.