Raina said that the final battle on this 14th cycle of America's Next Top Model came down to fun and flirty versus focused and fierce. I say fuck that noise, it's finished.
Additionally, Nigel said they were like chalk and cheese. I say: chut up!
50. Angelea
Right after Angelea was eliminated, she broke down, and then right after that, she informed us that this is not the last we've seen of her. Obviously, this is a reality so tried and true that it's worthy of a supercut, but I've resisted because so often it's said in final moments when the contestants are obviously being interviewed and, most likely, baited into saying, "This isn't the last you'll hear of me." It's not a natural phenomenon, and I think we can all agree that exposing natural phenomena is what supercuts are all about. Anyway, the point is that Angelea, came up with it on her own. You hear that? She came up with a cliche without being prompted. That's how amazing she is. Where Angelea is concerned, I am here to make friend.
51. Alexandra
Alexandra was disappointed she did not win, because she wanted to give girls that looked like her something to believe in. Girls who look like her already have Whitney Thompson, not to mention Bret Michaels, so they're probably good. But thanks for being so selfless, Alexandra. Really sweet.
52. Krista's mom
How amazing it must have felt to have been flown to New Zealand for a 15-minute photo shoot! Emotional overload now has a pictorial definition!
53. Krista
Duh, right? Moms are to faces what Justin Bieber is to underage panties: moistening.
54. Raina
And dads! Dads are great too! But you know what is the best? Crying out of obligation. That always gets me moist.
But I guess regardless of the legitimacy of Raina's tears, she was bound to be at least somewhat emotional when she was faced her hero. Her dad is her hero, guys! Not Superman, if you can believe it! Not Barney or the guy with the open sores behind the deli at the bodega around the corner or the other guy who you always see peeing outside of said bodega (like, does he do anything else besides pee?) or her dog. Her dad. I know, right? Wild!
55. Krista's mom
Krista's stepdad: hottest guy on this show since Jaslene, y/y?
56. Krista
One cries, the other cries. This is maybe the most amusing see-saw I've ever encountered in all of my years of see-saw spectatorship.
57. Krista
She's literally crying over the fact that some dark-skinned girls don't think they're pretty. It's so great that they have this show to present to them the err of their ways. Fuck therapy or, like, The Bluest Eye or whatever. Clearly, Krista will touch lives way beyond anything that's come before her.
58. Krista
See? Years of self-hatred on an epidemic scale are fixed! Easy, breezy, societal!
59.
Obviously, the Crying Count could not have ended on a better note. I feel like my whole life as a recapper has lead up to this point. ALT's simplicity decorates us, his guilt sanctifies us, his pain makes us glow with health.
More on him in a sec, obviously!
"The slicked-back is your friend...and mine, too!"
She doesn't get to make that call about herself! From where I'm sitting, the slicked-back seems like an impartial associate. It don't love you! It's not like it's a camera perched on your five-head!
"I mean, Fatima has some of the most amazing photos. I go on her Facebook and I'm like, 'You did not win, you are amazing.' Anya, amazing career. Katarzyna? Sick! Mollie Sue? Amazing! These girls did not win Top Model, but they went on."
Yes, like I said last week, "being proven wrong is probably this show's biggest claim to legitimacy. At least it's aware of it!" I think the explicit support this week to my call makes me at least a little more amazing than Fatima. I'm not on Facebook, but you can kiss all over my Twitter, Ty Ty.
Ooh, and I've been dying to share this since it happened, so it seems that here is as good a spot as any: I saw Cycle 12's Kortnie this week (I had previously met her through Celia) and she told me that she recently shot for Special K and Walmart. She honestly looks better than ever. Sick! Amazing! Kapowza!
"We gotta be strong, and we have to take that critique and that criticism and keep our head held high."
She's critiquing on the reception of criticism. Top Model is where metacriticism goes to die a slow, perverted, agonizing death.
"Feel the chance!"
I obviously singled this out in my winner post last week, but I really love it. I feel like it should be the motto for anyone who wins and/or participates on this show. Sometimes the chance is all you end up getting -- might as well cop a feel while it's within reach.
"So take me back to, like, like, the lowest or when you felt...not good."
So smooth with the emotional manipulation! She didn't have to chop up any onions or take Raina's puppy for hostage or anything!
If I were to turn the tables and ask Tyra, "How were you burned?" she'd probably say, "When Raina didn't cry after I attempted to force her to clomp down the dark alleys of her past." That, people, is when Raina lost this competition beyond a shadow of an idealized bully. (Well, that and when Krista won those hundreds of challenges and had her name called first, like, every time including the cycles that she wasn't even on.)
Oh, and as out-there finale outfits go...
I thought this one was great. It's not just anybody who can rock the back of a chair on her front!
Dave, who's provided us with a few Nintendo DS-made gifs this cycle has something to say about this outfit (as well as Alexandra's elimination, though I did point out that the two did not happen concurrently, as his gif suggets -- he's already atoned, guys):
I love how he spelled Alexandra's name with an I in it. The factual errors really add legitimacy to his claim that he is ultimately uninterested in this show ANTM.
You guys, this is the end of the Talley Tally for now. Let me sigh and tell you how this makes me feel...
That's right. Just like ALT, I'm very emotional. I'm also smirking as I type this.
On what "dreckitude" means...
"Dreck is...dreck means that it's dreadful. Dreck means that it's just like...it's a trainwreck. It's about happened...it happened."
Long story short: there's no justification for all those syllables except the promise of even more syllables in the frequent attempts at justification. This guy! May his roundabout ways always stay inflated!
On saying goodbye:
I really might start shouting, "Talley hug!" every time I see a hot guy, much the way you might shout "tally -ho!" if you see a fox and you are a British hunter. That way he will know even from afar that I'm gay and can figure out what he wants to do about that in relative advance.
On Angelea's blurry-ass final shot:
"There's something so ethnic in this photograph that is beyond your ethnicity!"
I honestly think that comprehending ALT's obsession with the word "ethnicity" is beyond my ethnicity. I'll think about it long and hard over the next four months.
Oh, and how amazing was it when Nigel pointed out that there could only be one winner and ALT shot him...not daggers...something fashionable but equally deadly. Ten-inch McQueen lobster claw shoes?
Looking at it now, this gif might be my greatest accomplishment. It's my new ethnicity.
Anyway, the show is over! Yay! I'm just going to wrap this up as quickly as possible, going through each girl one-by-one, much like I do on premiere posts. Every once in a while, I like to trot out this far-out concept of organization to help guide me through these posts. You'd be amazed how much it helps my process. I should package it and sell it via infomercials. Ooh! Summer project!
Anyway, let's start with our winner.
Krista
And here's the unedited feedback:
I'm really sad that it wasn't until last week that I realized what fun it could be to deface the "digital art" with additional inane comments. Expect more of this next cycle, if the carpal tunnel hasn't crippled me by then!
Krista. She's a fine winner.
Fine, indeed. Really, Tyra's criticism about her not smiling with her eyes in her CoverGirl shot was dead-on...
Shocked that they gave it to her actually, because this really is subpar and now they have to run it. Haha, CoverGirl! That's what you get from messing with a Top Model!
Not that this was that much better, but at least Raina is more convincingly looking at something that she can't quite make out. Tale as old as time, beauty and the blankness.
Anyway, Krista leaves this competition probably with a bigger shitload of shit than anyone who's come before her. Hopefully, she will pawn it off to go towards the time and money spent trying out for this show 5,000 times. It's like pageants -- the prizes never really cover the cost. But it isn't about the money. It's about feeling special for a brief flicker of time.
I would love to see a spin-off about Krista's adventures in hair...
And if all else fails, she could probably become a statistician, given her apparent interest in odds. One hundred percent chance, guys! One hundred percent chance that she won this show! One hundred percent! Squee!
I did find it rather troubling that when she talked about being the "person who's not gonna eat, sleep, drink," so that she can model, we saw this shot suggesting just how serious she was about this commitment:
Girl, follow Tyra's words. Sometimes you just gotta say, "Screw this, let's get pizza."
Alexandra
She reminds me of someone here. Maybe it is someone I know or knew, maybe it is Samantha from Gimme a Break! I cannot be certain. Anyway, all that's left to say about Alex is that this was fantastic:
Something tells me that being around Raina was trying.
And by "something," I mean "everyone"...including Raina herself. Come, let's examine:
Raina (aka "That Face")
I feel like editing was on her side -- we only saw the annoying bits of her very late in the game so that she was extremely tolerable up till the very end. Imagine if Analeigh had shut up after, "Yo!" I know at least one thing about that: I wouldn't be grinding my teeth still to this day while typing her name.
I mean, imagine a whole cycle full of this:
It's nauseating even to ponder.
Grotesque, even.
When she said, "I need to make things that aren't my favorite my favorite. So, I need to work on that," it reminded me so much of Catherine O'Hara's character in Waiting for Guffman, Sheila: "He's teaching me to change my instincts...or at least ignore them." Lots and lots of spine there. Very admirable.
I think when I really turned against Raina was when I realized how much she could look like Perez Hilton.
She won't be riding anyone's face anywhere. Not even to England to be a courtesan while Krista takes the international world by storm. She won't be getting in the backdoor of the fashion industry that is closed tight, according to Jay Manuel. (As if any back doors are still tight in the fashion industry!)
And finally, we have...
Angelea
Thank god for Angelea. Thank god for her ability to return the word "fierce" to its scary connotation. Thank god for her to repeatedly treat challenges as though they were jokes...
...because that's exactly what they were and so Angelea was just keeping it real in her bonkers way. I mean, obviously this flight was filled with ANTM crew members, but if this happened in the real world, and two characters separated from puppets only by their lack of felt started screaming orders and having women walk up and down the aisles of my flight, inevitably knocking into me (I always sit on the aisle and I have broad shoulders!) and otherwise distracting me, I would have thrown something at them.
So good for Angelea for shitting on their shitty idea (even though it obviously wasn't theirs).
You know what else is real? When she said she wished she had a mute button to tune Jay Manuel's ass out. It struck me that I've had a mute button all this time, and I haven't done so. How stupid is that? This girl makes way too much sense. Damn!
A Bobomonster to the bitter end, she only had one heel. And I loved her for it.
(Why did she only have one heel?)
And look, I believe that a person's worth can be measured by what he or she inspires...
...which is to say that Angelea is worth a whole lot of nonsense.
Good for her for not letting the judges' weirdness interfere with her own.
And for finally winning them over with this or something? And for having a dress that she strangled the class out of by having to wrestle with it after every movement. Good for her for everything. If I could, I would give her all of these flowers...
They would be fake, but undetectably so. We'd both be winners, but only one of us would still be that bitch.
Let's start winding down with out favorite pair (both of whom are loosely wound in the first place)...
Laura: So, on my cycle, two girls did go home and that feelin’ is awful. It was the worst feelin’ ever. It’s like a horror film!
Bianca: That can bring anybody down. Now it’s really do or die, so I guess it’s anybody’s game at this point.
Laura: I guess we’ll see who falls under pressure.
Bianca: I guess we will.
And then...
Bianca: The cue cards are definitely the kiss of death in Top Model. I know nerves overtake you sometimes during the commercial, but you had all night to prepare yourself.
Laura: You can really psych yourself out.
Bianca: Can you excuse Krista for that?
Laura: Well, we’ll see if she can make it!
Bianca: Let’s hope for her sake that she does.
I love how these devolved into a series of, "We'll see"s by the end -- they're basically extended remixes of those, "Don't turn that channel!" introduction to the commercial segments that have become the second most irritating thing about watching television (after, ironically, commercials). They really petered out. I wasn't expecting a Hammer dance, but they wrapped this thing up without so much as a goodbye? Nice, real nice girls. I feel like all my transcribing was for something that their souls weren't in. I feel duped.
Oh yeah, and then there was a fashion show, but it was weird because it was all happy and not really supposed to represent how these women actually walked. But they did so good! Here, I'll let you take the judges' word for it...
And here, I'll let you take Angelea's word for it, if you want the real...
Oh, and then, Jay Manuel almost said, "I'm not here to make friends" ("I'm not here to hang out with Angelea," which is going in this year's video anyway, because you know how I do) and also said he was annoying on purpose, which has more spin than an orange.
Oh, and then Miss J went all Joycelyn Elders on our asses and encouraged Krista to masturbate.
Oh, and then his hat killed Krista...
...but her corpse looked fierce in the obligatory post-win shoot with Tyra, anyway.
The end.
Thanks for reading this slop! I really did love this cycle if you couldn't tell. Stay cool this summer, especially around frozen vegetables and keep your toasters free of tacos. And now, much like ALT, I shall spin a cocoon.
I shall emerge tomorrow, no longer covering ANTM...for a few months...maybe... (For real, I might have one last thing planned for this cycle. K.I.T.!)
One day I hope I can write like you and make everyone feel swell while reading my words. This has been the best cycle in a long time..chock fulla jokes. Thanks for sharing the experience with me. We shall be married one day (jsyk). K.
Posted by: vomitinglols | May 17, 2010 at 09:04 PM
oh this cycle isn't over yet! There is still the lovely recap episode. That should be fun...
Posted by: 3ya | May 17, 2010 at 09:32 PM
Your erudition is far more engrossing and wonderful than this insufferable show.
Posted by: veg | May 18, 2010 at 06:22 AM
I call dibs on Krista's stepdad. I will fight her mum if I have to.
Is it wrong to friend her on myspace and ask for her stepdad's number?
Posted by: chunko chang | May 18, 2010 at 11:26 AM
I just need to comment that while reading this "Harder Better Faster Stronger" by Daft Punk came up on Pandora, and seems to become the soundtrack for these gifs. Amazing.
Great job as always, Rich!
Posted by: Nachturne | May 18, 2010 at 11:54 AM
It occurred to me during the finale that 'dreck' might be ALT saying "d'wreck", not that "wreck" is a French word, but he seems to love speaking Frenglish.
Posted by: Mk | May 18, 2010 at 01:06 PM
From Wikipedia:
dreck: (vulgar) worthless material, especially merchandise; literally: "crap" or "shit" (Yiddish דרעק drek cf. German Dreck)
I like to imagine him saying "Shitty-tude" every time he says "dreckitude".
Posted by: CH | May 18, 2010 at 01:27 PM
"Laura: You can really psych yourself out.
Bianca: Can you excuse Krista for that?
Laura: Well, we’ll see if she can make it!
Bianca: Let’s hope for her sake that she does."
I just love how Bianca was complaining about Krista in front of Laura, the girl so dyslexic that she couldn't remember her lines in any of the commercials.
You killed me at the "Talley hug!" I can't wait for next cycle. I'll miss your recaps so much in the meantime!
Posted by: Ven | May 18, 2010 at 05:34 PM
Wow. I just misread the URL for the "ride her strong face" clip as "rider strong face" - and for a moment I was nearly convinced!
Rider Strong face: almost! http://www.vivianreed.net/BMW/media/rider07.jpg
Also, in that shot, Alexandra looks exactly like the overeager redheaded guy who really wants to dance with Winona Ryder in the scenes at Belle Gardiner's engagement party in the 1994 Little Women. at least, that's who I immediately thought of. Just my two cents, yep.
Thanks for another great cycle of recaps!
Posted by: sarah | May 18, 2010 at 11:33 PM
Is it just me or does "Feel the chance" sound exactly like something you'd hear (or read if it's subtitled) in a poorly translated anime?
Posted by: RP | May 19, 2010 at 12:42 PM
"I think when I really turned against Raina was when I realized how much she could look like Perez Hilton."
I was Team Raina from the beginning, but Tally-Hug! did you ever hit the nail on the head with that comment!
Rich - your re-caps are sometimes the ony thing that makes me smile when I'm at work, so thanks for just being you!
Posted by: Marlo | May 19, 2010 at 01:02 PM
Alexandria for the win!!
Posted by: matthew | May 19, 2010 at 03:21 PM
First time commentor -- love the recaps !
I, too, thought Whitney, er, Alexandra looked oddly familiar in that fatboy getup -- Chunk from Goonies maybe?
Posted by: Dee | May 19, 2010 at 03:57 PM
I like how when Katarzyna is mentioned her name is still pronounced wrong.
Posted by: gmf | May 19, 2010 at 07:33 PM
Yes please please please please you have to have Angelea on an episode of Inside the Reality Studio!!
Posted by: matthew | May 20, 2010 at 01:35 AM
I already can't wait for next cycle. This one was AWESOME. So much material for your posts. Thanks for all your hard work. This Chicago BITCH loves you for it!
Posted by: Gwen | May 22, 2010 at 12:58 PM
when i saw alexandra in her ugly-pretty make-up, i, too, thought she looked familiar. i couldn't place it until now! in my opinion, she closely resembles lauren ambrose. oh how i miss six feet under...
Posted by: elle | May 27, 2010 at 04:02 PM
Wow, who'd of thunk it that ANTM would be full of Sci-Fi references?
First, you have Tyra as General Zod, from Superman II, during the first elimination:
Then you have Krista walking the runway as Duane Dibbley, from Red Dwarf:
Posted by: Dan S. | May 28, 2010 at 04:06 PM
I already have my heart set on this style but I'm just curious as to what everyone else thinks about it...
I have DARK brown hair, almost black... and I want a short choppy hairstyle exactly like Reese Witherspoons in "Sweet Home Alabama".
Acai Max
Posted by: kalkenhinttona | May 31, 2010 at 07:07 AM