Terrible-hunting: Over the Top

Sylvester Stallone's arm-wrestler-trucker-single-father epic Over the Top was probably the butchest movie I liked as a kid. To this day, it's the only Stallone flick that I have a real working knowledge of (must check out Rhinestone one of these days!). I didn't see Over the Top in the theater, but I remember counting down the seconds until it came out on video. The reason? I was completely obsessed with Kenny Loggins' AC-synth schmaltz "Meet Me Halfway," which is featured heavily in the film (and, in turn, featured the film heavily in its heavily rotated video). That's right, a power ballad is what drew me to a movie that at least strives to be stacked with testosterone. As with most things in my life, where there's will, there is gaaaaaaaaay.

Inspired by the arm-wrestling doc Pulling John, I recently rewatched Over the Top for the first time in probably 15 years and could not believe how amazing it was. Finally, a movie that lives up to its name! It pops off the screen like a vein in Stallone's arm. It celebrates deadbeat dads and young boys who look like Demi Moore, alike. Fucking Giorgio Moroder did the score. It is so trashy that it thinks BRUT is not only something not to be embarrassed about, it's something to flaunt. It basically has everything I could ever ask for in a movie. People who throw around Troll 2 and Showgirls when they talk about "best worst movies" need to turn their caps around and get their act together because Over the Top is exactly where it's at. Come, let's pick it apart using the criteria for terrible movies that I laid out in my first terrible-hunting post. We're starting with incompetence, and this is really, really all that needs to be said about that (or about the movie, period):

They couldn't even get their character's name right! What's not to love?

Perhaps director Menahem Golan (also responsible for the notoriously rotten film The Apple, which I did not know until a second ago, but does not surprise me in the least) was trying to convey that Stallone's character is as free as a bird without a name?

Absurdity

Even though it concerns Hawk(s), a father, and Mike, a son, Over the Top is structurally a romance: estranged dad meets boy, dad loses boy, dad gets boy back basically by making enough money so that they're something close to set for life. We come to realize that dad has been admiring the boy from afar...

 

...but only now can reunite with his son due to circumstance. (Or something? The terms of Hawk(s)'(s) deadbeat dadship are never really disclosed. Maybe he was in jail for selling drugs? Mike's mother is blase about the whole thing, saying, "He had his reasons," but she's zonked on account of cancer, so she's not exactly a reliable source.) For much of the time, the boy is resistant to the dad's affection, and so what we watch is essentially a courting.

 

 

 

A sweaty, hazy, sun-drenched, very physical courting. And look, I'm sorry to be that gay guy who's always saying, "That's gay!" and part of me actually admires a movie that isn't afraid to portray a father-son relationship in affectionate terms (that feels almost progressive?), but while watching it I could not shake the slight sense of weirdness that comes along with Stallone cavorting with this kid...

 

 

 

Like, I know they're father and son, but nothing can change the fact that Stallone actually did that. In real life. Acting is still doing.

Upping the murmur of homoeroticism is a truly bonkers scene, in which Hawk(s) and Mike stop at a diner and an arm-wrestling match ends up ensuing.

 

(Dog the Bounty Hunter IS the Smasher...except not, but he totally should be.)

Anyway, while Hawk(s) is off getting sweaty with a dude while other dudes circle around, panting, a big fucking bear whose balls you can smell from your couch comes up and has this exchange with Mike:

 

Bear: What are you doin’ with that guy?
Mike: He’s my father.
Bear: Too bad.

I think that's his way of saying, "I'm your boyfriend now."

Mike, by the way, is an absurd character in himself. He is a 12-year-old know-it-all, who warns his father that he's racing down the road to "cholesterol poisoning," ponders the different points he and he father are on the "social scale," and says very abruptly, "This is getting too intense," as Hawk(s) urges him to get sweaty (i.e. arm-wrestle) with a stranger kid. Hawk(s) ends up getting so fed up with Mike's intelligence-insults that he pulls over his truck and tells Mike to get in the driver's seat, to show his son that truck-driving it is hard.

See? Hard.

Except, it isn't because Mike gets the hang of it immediately...

...proving that Hawk(s) isn't just an idiot, he's an idiot who can't teach. (If those who cannot do teach, then those who cannot teach drive trucks and arm-wrestle.) There's a moment that must have inspired Strangers With Candy (at least spiritually) when Hawk(s) lays down his philosophy to Mike (after Mike just lost an arm-wrestling match to that stranger kid): "I know you can win. But even if you don’t, so what? So, you lose. As long as you lose like a winner, it doesn’t matter.” Mike, of course, ends up winning (after telling the stranger, "I think your breath stinks!" in a moment of pure butch)...

 

...so what really doesn't matter is Hawk(s)'(s) lesson. But we knew that.

Melodrama

 

 

 

 

What melodrama? There's no melodrama to see here!

 

Sly is totally channeling Hows Your News' Susan Harrington here something fierce.

Anyway, I'm firmly convinced that they didn't call this movie Over the Top by accident. Those words go beyond their arm-wrestling association -- they describe a way of existing.

Adding to the schmaltz factor is the aforementioned Kenny Loggins track, which occurs just short of a dozen times in various incarnations (there's the original, an extra synthy extended cut, an acoustic version, a piano version, an orchestral version, a MIDI version, a version featuring Nicki Minaj....). The affinity for the lite-r side of things plays out in the plot as well -- as they drive along, Hawk(s) and Mike get into a radio-knob war over a song that Hawk(s) wants to hear but Mike doesn't. This is that song. I think you'll agree that it's very arm-wrestler/trucker. This is the shit you wanna get juiced to. When Mike switches it, Hawk(s) says, "That was a nice song." For once, his word choice is perfect. Nice, indeed.

Also, during the climactic arm-wrestling tournament, there are a host of slow-mo Wookie sounds.

 

You can imagine how effective they are.

The main source of conflict revolves around a custody battle between Hawk(s) and his ex-wife's father, who has no legal claim to Mike, but pretends like he does anyway.

Their best exchange?

Grandpa: Damn you.
Hawk(s): Damn you.

Oh, and regarding melodrama, did I mention the cancer?

Extreme view points

Over the Top isn't concerned with saying too much (except, "Mike!" -- I've seen people suggest a drinking game based just on the amount of times Sly says it and if I didn't make the "Hawk"/"Hawks" cut above, a "Mike!" cut would have been the one to do). It does suggest that doing this will somehow make you win an arm-wrestling match:

Hawks(s)'(s) signature move is essentially a butch version of spirit fingers. But, like, gay butch.

Also, Hawk figures that when he turns his cap backwards it makes him feel "like another person...like a truck, machine." Or, perhaps, a Transformer.

Another extreme view point -- this is a perfectly heroic way to enter a house:

Also, Mike vacillates between adoring his father and blaming him for every bump in the road on the crazy truck drive he calls life. He can't understand why his father never reached out to him, but Hawk(s) says he did via birthday cards, letters...uh, well, yeah, via birthday cards and letters. It isn't until Mike discovers that said correspondence has been hidden from him...

...that Mike realizes that he wants to be with his father. Apparently, a few vague words are enough to make up for parental absenteeism during the most formative parts of a kid's life. Nice!

The final extreme view point is, I suppose, the film's moral. It's recited enough times to make me think that it's the moral, although it isn't something I would have gathered through the action alone. Why show when you can tell? That's what I never say! Anyway, it's: "The world meets nobody halfway." I do think that Kenny Loggins would have a thing or two to say in rebuttal.

Miscellaneous weirdness

Obviously, this being an '80s movie about trash, this is a pressurized aerosol can of miscellaneous weirdness. 

 

You see gigantic crotches everyday...

 

...but rarely do you see them up in the air.

 

Hot, right?

Hawk(s) apparently is transporting BRUT, which is what this movie smells like at best.

 

And the final bit of miscellaneous weirdness? The thing that brings this movie way over the top?

 

In-cabin exercise equipment. Oh sorry, did I say "weirdness?" I meant brilliance. Really, that's what the goddamn thing is: miscellaneous brilliance. This movie wins like a winner.

Comments

[Vanessa M]

A few years ago I had jury duty and was seated on a case where a guy was suing his doctor for fucking up a routine arm surgery. The way he broke his arm: arm wrestling at his job with some dude who was 100 pounds heavier. I told the guys at work about it as a safety warning cause I had no idea that shit could really happen and they were like "Well, duh. Didn't you see Over the Top?" Well, no.

Not so funny the jury thing though. He lost almost all use of his right arm.

I don't want to end on a depressing note. You should watch Rhinestone so we can see a future installment of this post. Sly sings and does stand-up. And Dolly is in it and I can forgive almost anything that involves her.

[Jason]

I've never seen "Over the Top" (although I will now), so my only prior reference for it was the SNL hosted by Sylvester Stallone in 1997. There's a sketch where Stallone plays himself, and he's trying to comfort a man (Norm MacDonald) who's been in a terrible car accident. But MacDonald just keeps talking shit on Stallone's movies, saving the biggest rant for "Over the Top." I can't find video for it, but here's a transcript:

http://www.fakenews.net/archive/bit_parts/stallone_movies_suck_97_09_27.html

[Erin]

Oh man... thanks for this. I'm pretty sure my brother and I spent about 87% of our childhood doing TopGun hi-fives, Over the Top arm wrestling, and WWF figure-fours.

[torrinpaige]

I admit to seeing every single Stallone movie ever made. I am not ashamed of this fact; I just can't help myself. (I will be dragging my old man to see The Expendables when it hits theatres.) I've always thought he was attractive in a weird He-Man/Bassett hound amalgam and I have never been disappointed in a Stallone movie (okay, Stop! Or Mt Mom Will Shoot was pretty damned terrible, but still, Estelle Getty!). Granted I usually laugh when I'm not "supposed" to, but I have to give it up for a man who has brought so much delicious cheese to my life. Count me in as a fellow fan of Over the Top...for many of the same reasons you appreciate it...plus arm wrestling! I love pretty much any sports movie ever made, and I don't really like many sports, but like Stallone, I can't help myself...they are always the cheesiest, most predictable things ever. When they make a movie about curling, I am so there.

[matty]

I always loved over the top as a kid, even as a prepubescent boy I knew there was something extremely interesting about overly muscled sweaty trashy guys holding hands with each other.

Rhinestone is pretty dreadful, but Dolly is in it, and if you're a fan, you already know you're willing to sit through anything to see her. If you're not, then this might be torture. Especially since its so country music heavy.

[Kristen S]

This movie is AMAZING!!! But oh, that kid. That kid. Most obnoxious child actor ever. It's the worst in the beginning when he's all sassy and emote-y and keeps saying things like "Permission to cry, siirrrrr." What is the word I am looking for? Yeasty? That kid is yeasty.

Rich, if you haven't seen The Company of Wolves yet, you just have to. I watched it for the first time last night, and it is actually the *craziest* movie I've ever seen. It's like a weirdly high budget fusion of Troll 2 and Valerie and her Week of Wonders and Teen Wolf and oh god, I just don't know. It's just wild ass stories that don't make sense within wild ass stories that don't make sense, punctuated by WTF eroticism and gratuitous, outlandish special effects fuckery. Like, apropos of nothing, this happens:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nv4spsyBEnU

It's a mind blower, and it will lead you down a truly hilarious wikipedia rabbit hole.

[Liz Grammaticas]

Lincoln Hawk is the name of the Rufus Humphrey's band on Gossip Girl. In Gossip Girl, they were ranked as one of the 'top ten forgotten bands of the 90s' by Rolling Stone. So, 20 years later, I think the CW & writers of Gossip Girl have finally cleared up the Hawk(s) confusion. Clearly, the preference is for Hawk.

Here is a link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fesuRHtmbVA

[David]

Love this movie, hated the kid even back in the day.

Thanks for bringing back good (bad?) memories!

[Tashina S.]

I also recommend Rhinestone with Dolly Parton and Stallone. I especially am hoping someday to see a band cover my favorite song from the movie,"Drinkenstein".

[Laurie]

Did you know that Sylvester Stallone is technically an artist? Technically. Because his technique suuuuuuuuuucks. But some of his shit was featured at Art Basel Miami, and apparently two of them sold for about $60,000 each. I don't even know...

[chikochevere]

When I was a teenager I had a romantic dream about Sylvester Stallone. (not sexual!) I always just thought he was hot. So the first part of 'Absurdity' was just what the doctor ordered.

[chikochevere]

Black Eyed Peas sing Meet Me Halfway, not Kenny Loggins. I can see how you'd get Kenny and Fergie's voices confused, but no.

[Lina]

If this is a regular feature, please do the next one on Ben and Arthur!

http://www.queerty.com/ben-arthur-the-worst-gay-movie-of-all-time-20090220/

It's like a gay The Room, but IMO even funnier -Arthur's stripclub audition is begging to be gif'd...

[Alyssa]

Rich -

I'm having such a shit day, and just skimming through this post made me laugh through the blind rage.

Alyssa

[Jessie]

Can you make a Netflix catagory? I want to see everything you have ever posted about.

[Hazel]

I maintain that Commando still tops the list for best homoerotic 80s action movie ever, but Over the Top gets credit for having the kid's name be, basically, Mike Hawk. Say it out loud. I know, he took his mom's last name or something, but we all know he changed it Hawk once his pop won.

[DLCF]

@Lina:
I'll throw in a vote for a compare/contrast between "The Room" and "Ben and Arthur" simply because I want to hear/read Rich's take on "You are tearing me apart, Lisa!"

[Ricky]

"I'm your boyfriend now." CLASSIC. Can that dude be my boyfriend too, please?

[that's MRS. Nigel Barker to you]

I had the pleasure of watching this movie with the RiffTrax treatment and it was more than a little alright :)

[LoraGW]

we need to see the "Mike" cut, too.

[Neva]

Rich, it is imperative that you find the novelization of this movie. The end describes what Hawk(s) is thinking of during the last scene. He has a lot of fantasies of what he will be doing with his son, including riding horses on the beach.

IMPERATIVE.

[Courtney]

Ha, I love this. I've never seen Over the Top (I grew up in a houseful of girls), but it was apparently an important part of my husband's childhood, so he's talked about the movie and demonstrated the titular move.

[Christina]

I'm re-watching the first season of "The O.C." and they just referenced this movie. Thanks to you I finally understand the reference.

[Amiee]

Holy shit, I thought I must have made up this movie in my mind when I was high - but here it is, and it's real.

Not the first time you've posted something I assumed was a drug-induced daydream Rich, and not the last I hope.

[Flipper]

That kid was on General Hospital @ the time this movie came out. And brought down every scene he was in, with THE WORST saccharin acting possible