MTV Movie Awards: Worst Thing I've Seen All Year

And here's the best of it:

 

(Apologies in advance for repeating some stuff I already said on Twitter Some things said in the heat of the moment demand more than 140 characters for later clarification.)

It's amazing how this year's MTV Movie Awards managed to be simultaneously of its time and out of touch. You would think that something could either be one or the other, but there it was, vacillating like a fan and blowing different flavors of shit everywhere. When the soothing, anonymous teaser voice announced prior to one commercial block that we would soon "see if Robert Pattinson’s new hairdo is enough to keep Kristen Stewart away from Taylor Lautner’s abs," I thought, "Yes. That is where we are as a culture." But as Twilight and blog-level writing paved the night, groan-worthy references to things too old to be relevant and too new to be retro-cool filled the cracks. Jokes were told about Pulp Fiction and the comedy in R. Kelly's music and "swagga." J.K. Rowling and Stephenie Meyer were thanked for their contribution to cinema adapted from literature. Rain, winner of the Biggest Badass Star award for his now award-winning work in Ninja Assassin (bears redundancy, no?), asked the crowd, "Why so serious?" after bombing one of several of the night's jokes (the most stand-out dud was Jason Segel trying to make statutory rape funny with iCarly). Also repping '08 were multiple skits involving Tom Cruise reprising his Tropic Thunder role (?), including one that had Jennifer Lopez performing her five-year-old song "Get Right" for no fucking reason, not even an imminent greatest-hits release (!?!?!).

Even Aziz Ansari's opening skit, which contained relevant references to Precious and The Blind Side (relevant in that they were both released in the time since the last MTV Movie Awards) and a not-so-relevant but timely gag about Justin Bieber's hair, felt stale. You'll be shocked to hear that a gay angle taken by Russell Brand and Jonah Hill could not sell yet another Team Edward/Jacob joke. The red-carpet hour was devoted to The Jersey Shore. Even though it was annoying and featured Sway misreading "craving" as "crahvving" (or maybe that's how he says it?) and conceding that Obsessed is "a great movie," it was the night's best hour.

Do I even need to mention that Betty White was there? This wasn't an awards show as much as it was a night of remembrance for things that were popular to varying degrees at some point. But still, some people were committed to coming across as having fun!

 

I guess it's true, an actress' work is never done.

So I guess, the "hard news" is that Sandra Bullock was honored with the Movie Awards' Generation Award, which sounds like something you get when your midsection is large enough to suggest that there are many rings within your foundation now or that you drank all your Ensure that you were supposed to in any given day, you adorably decaying person, you! I'm sorry, why did Sandra Bullock win this again? Did she win a trophy for being cheated on, or did she win a trophy for all those other trophies she won earlier this year? Column A meet Column B.

 

Hilarious, right? When watching the mediocrity montage that summed up Sandra's career, I woulda been all...

 

...if I had anyone beyond Winston to keep up polite appearances for.

 

Such a craftswoman, that Sandra. She's why irrelevant awards like these were invented.

Another winner, Ken Jeong bolted up to the stage, flailing when his name was called (I don't even remember for what - I'm just going to make up a category that will be, at the worst, slightly less stupid than a real category's name: Funny Ha Ha of the Year) and then spit out a breathless stream of thank-yous and then started crying when he talked about his wife's cancer but she's OK now so whiz! Bang! Boom! Bye!

 

It was seriously so weird and like, fuck you and your emotional roller coaster. You didn't even consult me about the you-must-be-this-tall-to-ride-this-ride line or anything. Save it for your memoir unless you're planning on dying, like, right now from the copious amounts of cocaine you've clearly been consuming. I guess I should be thankful that even if it happened inadvertently, there was at least some honesty in something someone said during this parade of artifice. (Amanda Seyfried did even better by consciously acknowledging that Jennifer's Body was a flop. That almost made honoring such garbage worth it.)

In case you were curious, the winner of the Funny-Sad Award went to...

 

...Lindsay Lohan. She didn't even have any part in this thing. Not nominated, didn't present, wasn't dignified by Snooki on the red carpet. I get the feeling that she just wandered in and everyone was afraid she'd get aggressive and start spitting blood if asked to leave.

Hey look, everyone:

Men kissing is funny! But you know what isn't funny?

Russell Brand's flat hair. He's going to look like Gallagher in a matter of months if he keeps up that 'do. I look at that greasy mass of noodles on his head everyday in the subway station on my way to work and it pisses me the fuck off.

For some reason, I can't find a good-quality version of the poster in question on the Internet. If I remember, I'll take a picture of it so you can really see how infuriating his hair is. Between that and Jonah Hill's airbrushed-to-death face (The fuck he think he is? Madonna?), everyday I ask myself why I got out of bed.

Edited to add:

You know who's awful? Everyone. But you know who's particularly awful?

 

Katy Perry. I had no idea that she couldn't dance. 

 

So it turns out that you can't even write her off with the, "Oh, she's an entertainer" apology. What a wasteful person. She had the stage presence of a 4th grader in a tree costume getting blown by a fan while she screeched a song so literal it amounts to a show tune ("Daisy dukes, bikinis on top..."). Unlike your typical show tune, though, that at least furthers a plot, "California Gurls" is only supposed to further the story of her career. The curtain can't fall soon enough. That sounds harsh, but I say that with confidence that everything is going to work out for her.

 

For you see, she has a backup plan.

When Anna Kendrick's name was called for Best Butchie Heterosexual Female, my stomach turned because she won for Up in the Air, perhaps my least favorite movie of 2009/the decade. But then I felt bad for her because Diddy molested her and she really did seem uncomfortable.

 

And then I went back to contempt her once she described winning this award as "the coolest moment ever." You see, these things have a way of working themselves out.

 

I love that he's never given a fuck about the gay rumors and he still doesn't. What a soldier who's soldiering on.

Christina Aguilera's performance was not nearly as bad as I would have expected. She's such a talented lip-syncher and, as pictured earlier in this post, her crotch lit up. Excitement all around. That said...

 

...this nauseates me. She sounds like she's throwing up in "Woohoo," and now we all do.

At least some things are reliably despicable. Kristen Stewart once again acted like she was so put out to be a famous actress, as if bitchface is the role she's most proud of at this point...

 

If she sulks after the cameras stop coming around, will it make a sound?

The night climaxed during the setup for the last award: as Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz were rambling about something, someone yelled out, "Show me the money."

 

Tom not only acknowledged it by laughing, but he repeated it for all of us to enjoy. This, an almost 15-year-old catchphrase that was pervasive enough to appear on baby onesies and in Special Olympics commercials, alike. I suppose no matter how many times these people have heard it, being celebrated never gets old. That's why shows like these will never go away. That's why they'll always be so awful, they're riveting.

All together now...

Comments

[Vanessa M]

I often feel confused by pop culture people having a moment. I wonder if it is a sign of age. And, maybe. Yes maybe it's not a bad sign of age like yelling at kids to get off your lawn (which sadly I confess I also feel like doing occasionally even though I live in a townhouse and the lawn is not even mine.) Perhaps it just means I am less gullible to media hype being the sole reason I should be a fan. Yes, you Katy Perry and Kristen Stewart.

Sandra Bullock has always seemed like a nice girl. Unfortunately that seems to be the alpha and omega of her acting talent. I boycott to the extent I am able but her films are playing 24/7 on some cable channel somewhere. If one more drone tells me that fucking beauty pageant movie was funny, I will lose my shit.

Where was I? Oh, thank you for watching this for us.

[Gloria]

those boobs!! (of the chick behind Sandy). I mean, really?

[Jackie]

Haha, those aren't even CLOSE to Russell Brand's real teeth either - or at least last I saw he was still repping the "au naturale" British look (and frankly, good for him, but poster=reality fail).

[Heather]

Yep someone needs to tell the MTVN management less is often more. This beast of a show is unwieldy and over-hyped. There are so many things going on and rotating and moving and flashing I can't focus. Anyway, it sucked and thanks for calling bullshit on this monster of a show.

[Muscle Max XL]

This award show has become one of the memorable moments of my life. I am really looking forward to watch its repeat telecast.

[BONTOIMIICOVA]

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