The lessons of Jersey Shore: Season 2, Episode 1

The first lesson of Jersey Shore 2: Electric Bugs in Your Hair/Underwear?

You can take the boys and girls out of the Jersey Shore, but you can't take them out of Jersey Shore. Seems appropriately nonsensical to me!

So, that was disappointing. The season premiere of Jersey Shore had two beats: 1) everybody hates Angelina and 2) Ronnie and Sammi have discovered the one thing more infectious than STDs (misery) and are hellbent on contaminating an entire nation. This episode didn't just beat up those beats, it beat us with them. If I had to listen to Sammi explain one more time that she was in love with Ronnie, but he wasn't so sure of his feelings for her, I was going to stab myself with a pickle. Snooki went beyond her role as cultural touchstone and became an emotional one by summing up my feelings throughout that unfortunately overlong 42 minutes of Jersey time:

 

When she's right, she's...less wrong.

Compounding the non-eventfulness is the fact that the cast of Jersey Shore has never really gone away -- they just took a trip. We watched the ones we've seen in commercials and on talk shows and on gossip blogs daily for the past six months meet again for the umpteenth time last night. And as for the ones we haven't seen in a while -- Ronnie, Sammi, Vinny, fucking Angelina -- well, who missed them anyway? This was no reunion -- it was just time to make the donuts once again. Admirably, everyone seemed mostly untouched by the stardom they've experienced since the first season -- they came on and they did their thing, just like always. But then, the stupid shit that resulted from them doing their thing grated like never before. Snooki's most quotable line -- "I feel like a pilgrim from the friggin' '20s washing shit right now!" -- bordered on consciously ignorant (I get the feeling that because that statement does not need a date stamp, she threw it in just to underscore that she has no idea what she's talking about). We're supposed to giggle about her being such a card, and yet her hand seems played out. I do, though, enjoy her seemingly honest supposition that the pilgrims had Southern accents. That's cute.

Minor character qualms aside, what is lacking in this new season of Jersey Shore is obvious: New Jersey. Divorced from the boardwalk-and-barbecue lifestyle, this is just another group of eight strangers picked to live in a house that doesn't require them working in a T-shirt shop to earn their keep. Out of their element, their cultural singularity isn't as blatant and must be expressed via their appearance (which, though cleaned up and ironed out, obviously won't be a problem for them) and their ability to otherwise express themselves (which, for a group not invested in "serious introspection," might be a problem). Perhaps this will change when they finally get on the beach, a natural habitat for them, if ever there were. Perhaps we've reached the limit of what there is to know about their culture at this point, anyway. Perhaps I should have followed the primary lesson of Season 1 and never fell in love at the Jersey Shore in the first place. Let me invoke another gif to express how I truly feel about all this:

Regardless of the overall problems with this fizzling first episode (the fireworks, grenades and landmines were either entirely literal or nominal and never figurative), there's still plenty of minutiae to pick through. These eight great citizens of our country still have so much to teach us. Come, let's learn.

- Love will bring reality stars together.

“We pretty much became a family and we loved each other, so you know, we were like, you know what? We have to do this again. We have to get together. So we’re coming to Miami!” Not since Karate Kid II has pop culture been so driven by the glory of love. It's really beautiful that these people are invested in altruism, not selfish interests. So much for the stereotype of the narcissistic reality star!

(Related to this is the claim that Pauly D and the Situation's road trip was their idea and that those same two "invited" Angelina to rejoin the show. We know they think they rule the world, but we obviously know better to believe that they rule even this world.)

- We are always two seasons behind these people.

 

Just as we watched them experience their summer during our winter, we now watch them experience their winter (albeit relocated in the summery environment of Miami) during our summer. This is to remind us that regardless of where we live (and mostly, it's North America), these people exist in a hemisphere that is entirely different than our own and in ways far beyond weather.

- Stuff in your face is stuff in your face.

Before traveling to Miami, Snooki requested two balls...in her face, but all she got was this stupid spray tan:

 

I can't imagine her being too disappointed about the trade-off, considering the whole tanning-tax debacle (which didn't even go into effect till earlier this month, and after this entire season had wrapped, not that Snooki knows that, since her concept of time is so questionable, she probably thinks that jet-packs became extinct in the 1960's or some such shit).

- De-skunking your hair is the road to beautification.

 

Jwoww looks entirely upgraded. Whoever would have guessed that going from two tones to just one would have its benefits? Oh right: everybody.

- Apparently, brothers from another mother require some sort of DNA test.

 

What else would explain the "could be" and "possibly" of the Situation's statement: "Know what? Me and Pauly could be, like, brothers from another mother possibly." Someone call Maury. I'm dying to find out: IS HE THE BROTHER...FROM ANOTHER MOTHER?

- Jwoww is Snooki's bitch.

This revelation is funny, because I always took Jwoww to be a top.

- None of these people actually like Sammi.

 

There is no physical evidence of this, really, and it's not quite a lesson even -- it's just a hunch.

- Being creepy feels pretty good, huh?

 

At least, that's suggested by Ronnie's expressed intentions for Miami: "I'm gonna have a good time. And get creepy..." The creepiest thing about that might be the silence that follows the statement, as though Ronnie has to let the weight of his pledge sink into his own head...or at least pause for the scary serial-killer synthesizer music. Hilariously, Gabe Videogum's Jersey Shore Drinking Game includes the directive to drink when, "pride is expressed about something that many people might find to be a source of shame." I'm not drinking, yet I feel fucking hammered.

- Having Angelina back is like a 24/7 (or 42/however-many-minutes-there-are-in-a-week-hold-on-let-me-do-the-math...42/10,080) Brazilian.

Watching her, I couldn't stop doing this:

 

Seriously, she is insufferable. She is less in touch with reality than EVERYONE, and that's really saying something. For example, she calls the other girls backstabbers when, right or wrong (I mean wrong or wrong), they're being very up front about their disdain for her. Angelina literally would not know a backstabber if she stabbed her in the front.

- Lighting fireworks is a perfectly reasonable thing to do while you're waiting for AAA.

 

...especially if you don't watch them as they go off. You have to keep a lookout for the car/cameras, right?

(I was legitimately schooled by the fact that AAA is what comes when AAA itself needs assistance. That was the double rainbow of revelations in the episode, for sure.)

- Saying, "You're wearing short shorts," is a perfectly reasonable way to greet someone.

...Especially when said shorts are unreasonably short, to a Homer Simpson-esque, pockets-sticking-out-the-bottom extreme.

 

Really, though, this kind of sly bitchiness on Sammi's part is about as close to clever as this group gets. Enjoy it.

- "Cheers to...girls" is a perfectly reasonable toast.

 

The sisterhood of the traveling bronzer endures!

- Sunglasses are a perfectly reasonable thing to wear on your head as you're falling asleep.

 

But only if you're annoying like Sammi.

- You, too, can make a living by fucking your sister.

Do you want to make more money? Of course! We all do! Tap into the lucrative but underpopulated market of incest porn today!

 

(Fist-pumping in "exorcism mode" is a helpful skill, but not required.)

- A cockblock can also be a backup plan.

 

Yes, Angelina is a drag, but who wouldn't want to room with a practically guaranteed lay? (She suggested as much, at least.) After all, the best way to turn a lemon into lemonade is sticking your dick in it.

- Gravity is a thing.

It's a thing that causes bronzer to leak off your face and shelves to collapse.

 

An alternate theory for the scene above, given the slutacious nature of Jwoww's apparel, is that trash always seems to find itself to a heap.

To that point, I love that she was offended that Angelina called her "trashy," when she named her own clothing line "Filthy Couture" and she referred to herself as feeling like a "big bag of shit," at one point this episode. Jwoww doesn't just own her trashiness, she hoards it.

- This show is still art.

 

I like to call this screen shot masterpiece "Shades of Shade." I am composing a musical suite to match that will be titled "Bitchy in Four Movements."

 

If a picture speaks 1,000 words, this animated gif is probably somewhere in the 15,000 range. But more importantly, each of those words is piercing and incoherent. (Unless they're about tanning, bitch. Then they're loud and clear.)

And speaking of art, this exchange was just a beautiful use of language and ideas:

Sammi: I just feel like I don't know.
Snooki: I know how you feel.

Are their minds connected psychically, or are they merely empty? You be the judge.

- Ronnie is Sammi's ex-boyfriend first, her co-star second...or so she would have you believe.

"In a way, I’m kinda like, 'Fuck me, why is Ron’s room next door?'" says Sammi, apparently unaware that he's next door since they're back on the fucking show that they met on in the first place.

That, I suppose brings us back to this ridiculous game we must watch (MUST -- we CAN NOT LOOK AWAY). When Ronnie said...

 

...I thought, "Yes!" Because watching them bicker without specificity and often has put us all through enough. When this fight ended with, as Pauly recounted, Ronnie calling "Sammi the C Word," I thought about how much that sounded like a proper name in this children's show for grown-ups. Sammi the C Word -- it just might stick. Incidentally, I'm reading Helter Skelter and have been fighting the urge to call Jwoww "Jwowowse" all recap. And speaking of names, I propose referring to their housing complex not by its real name, Metropole...

...but as Citytool. I think it fits better.

Also, I think it bears reminding that this is your "cunt"-slinging tough guy:

Just trying to keep things in perspective.

Anyway, the biggest lesson from all this useless drama?

- Drunk dancing dudes make the best gifs.

 

Well, maybe not the best gifs of all time, but the best of this recap. True to form, Ronnie isn't Mr. Right, per se, but Mr. Right Now. Smush Captain, I salute you!

Also, I do believe that this is the nastiest, most festering gif I've ever made:

 

Keep in mind that's no small feat, considering that I covered all three seasons of Rock of Love extensively.

Finally our last lesson?

- Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.

 

It's written on the wall for good reason: it's the show's grand unifying theory, in or out of Jersey.

Comments

[Sarah G]

Maybe the Situation was just quoting Big Pun & Fat Joe?

Great recap, meh episode.

[Vicki]

Ugh. Thank you Rich. Not only do both Ronnie and Pauly D look like they are on the verge of liver failure at various points of this episode, but Ronnie's "creeping" is just disturbing--as in the guy looks totally miserable while trying to look happy. 10 to 1 he has a meltdown pretty quickly.

Please let Sammie leave. Please. I don't watch this show for "ex" drama. I want to laugh "with" these people, not "at" them (OK, well maybe "at them while with them"). Know what I mean?

[Eldar]

Dont agree with u rich, thought it was amaaazing.. i think ur getting too old to appreciate this stuff!

[ADK]

Love your recaps Rich. I found last night that the production manipulation was very hard to ignore. I mean, we watch Angelina roll with a camera crew pre-trip (wax, interviews) and she says in two breaths: 1. she was invited 2. she hopes they'll let her stay. Well, she's already a cast member because the cameras are already following her around. Not to mention there are enough beds to include her. Isn't there enough melodrama without having to fabricate more?

Had to scoff at Angelina's f'd up logic that she has dirt on Ronnie that she would love to go back to Sammi with, but because Sammi's such a bitch she won't. Must be hard fighting her cockblocking instincts that were so prominent in the first season.

That said, my favorite part was the quick cut from the screaming girls in their taxi to the cricket chirping serenity of the guys' cab.

Looking forward to your next recap.

[Alexis]

"Incidentally, I'm reading Helter Skelter and have been fighting the urge to call Jwoww "Jwowowse" all recap."

Oh wow, Rich. My love for you knows no bounds! I was wondering about the hilarious Manson family tweeting.

Sidenote, if you want to continue your Manson family reading I highly recommend "The Family," by Ed Sanders. It's interesting and hilarious at the same time.

[Dr. Remulak]

I don't care if they're just faking it, it's great to have these buffoons back again. Other than a few new cars and Vinnie's tattoo, they haven't changed a bit.

[Yoyo]

What did ron call sammi?

[Eric]

The Pilgrim's landed at Plymouth Rock in 1620, so she is correct.

[MSC]

awesome, love your animated gifs immortalizing these scenes on the interwebz!

[Vicki]

Ha! Snookie's in the clink:

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/38492352/ns/today-entertainment/

(yoyo, Ron called Sammi a C.U. Next Tuesday)

[Christine]

My hope is that they sort of stay away from the drama with all the in fighting, because the best (worst?) parts of season 1 were all of their interactions with people outside the house. The stalker, the charging hippos, of course the snooki punch, etc. At least that's my opinion.

[nakedlong]

i'm looking forward to the jwoww vs sammi fight

[Natalie]

Nobody's ugly after 2am.......but that typeface will always be!

[Chels]

LOL at the comment above me.... I love font snark :D

[Sue Ellen]

I love Snooki, always have, always will. I think that Times piece was a joke and--even worse--completely mean-spirited.
BUT: why have people been sleeping on J-Wowww?! She's fascinating. I read something about the pay disputes that said she's considered second-tier and I couldn't believe it. Plus her posture and the way she walks in clunky heels is like a horse--sort of ungainly but powerful. Maybe it's her back muscles.

[Tati]

As much as I thought they were ridiculous during the first season, I tolerated the show. Now I think this shit needs to stop. Like now.

I used to live in Jersey for some time and now I live in Miami, I seriously don't need both worlds colliding.

Besides, most people in MIA didn't want them down here anyways. We have enough meatheads and doubhebags here as it is.

[Samantha]

What's the "C word"?

[JonBenet]

Is the poster that says, "No On'es Ugly After Two O'Clock" Hobo STD? that'd be a funny coincidence...

[Free Exercise to Enlarge Your Penis]

looked that picture. i think the guy's are enjoying him self so much.
Free Exercise to Enlarge Your Penis

[elsie]

Is it just me or does Ronnie look like a puffed up guido version of Cory Haim?

[vic]

http://royaltyfame.com/2010/01/jenni-farley-jwoww-topless/

Yeah......I don't know why anybody would call JWOWW trashy.

[Account Deleted]

I Watch Jersey Shore Season 2 Episode 2 and I really enjoyed The Hangover episode

[donna kay]

I can't believe Ronnie has no photo with his dick hanging out. That guy is hotter now that I see how he looks like dejected.

[herve leger dress]

Needs and expected to be more appearance of surprise!

[cheap ralph lauren polo]

are already following her around. Not to mention there are enough beds to include her. Isn't there enough melodrama without having to fabricate more?