Big fins, consider yourselves filled

Because Beyond the Valley of the Dolls is as close to a holy text as I come to having (it is, simply, the standard against which I judge all entertainment), I don’t invoke its name lightly in reference to other works. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that Alexandre Aja’s Piranha 3D is a direct descendant of Russ Meyer’s “exploitation-horror-camp-musical,” but it shares a similar genre-straddling sensibility and, more importantly, it adroitly balances its disparate elements. What's most reminiscent, though, is not that the horror/sex/comedy/suspense/sci-fi elements work well in tandem with each other -- it's that the whole ridiculous tale of prehistoric carnivorous fish being awakened only to prey on the spring breaking hedonists on Lake Victoria (including soft porn operation headed by Jerry O'Connell's Joe Francis-esque sleazy character) is played with a straight face. (Elisabeth Shue’s character tases fish at one point, since she’s a sheriff and you know how sheriffs love their Tasers!) Meyer famously assured his actors that they were in a serious drama, even after they protested playing such an outrageous script with nary a wink. Here, the pirahanas are the only ones who give indication that they’re in on the joke, mugging directly into the camera as they, for example, chomp on a disembodied human penis, spit it out, and then devour it again.

The girls are fucking hot (do not be surprised if Kelly Brook ends up a superstar as she is clearly a goddes; meanwhile, Elisabeth Shue, bastian of role-selection that she is, has never looked better), the suspense is fucking real (one of the final scenes involves shimmying across a rope that hangs just a few feet above hungry piranhas) and the carnage is fucking disgusting (my three favorite site gags included a girl’s entire face being pulled off as the result of her hair being caught in a boat motor’s, a piranha eating through another’s face from the back so that for a second it looks like she has a pair of fangs and still another’s post-attack body falling apart in the hands of two guys carrying both sides of her body out of the water). Horror-obsessive Aja already showed off his deft skill at referencing in Haute Tension and he does even better here. He casts Richard Dreyfuss as the guy responsible for awakening the piranhas in the opening scene (he’s basically reprising a role, since Jaws , in which he starred, technically awakened its rip-offs including the original Piranha). Christopher Lloyd pops up in a mad-scientist role, his knowledge base traveling further back in time than Dr. Emmett Brown ever had to. There’s a scene, in which a girl trapped in the kitchen of a boat is forced to fend off frisky piranhas with kitchenware (a la Gremlins, directed by Joe Dante, the director of the original Piranha). Maybe the most pointed laugh occurs during the main piranha attack on the partying idiots, who in an attempt to get out of the infested water, climb up on a floating stage, which ends up toppling from a horizontal to completely vertical position, spilling them back into the water Titanic-style. Even the flying-piranha gag of the first film is bestowed an upgraded significance – gravity-defying absurdity gets promoted here.

The 3D element is as over-the-top as the plot and effects – the medium is messiness. This is as close to you’ll come to enjoying someone throwing up in your face and spraying a keg of beer at you. There is an operatic, extended, full-frontal, girl-on-girl underwater scene before the piranhas hit that is as much a tribute to the female form as it is to the pornography that exploits it.  See, Piranha 3D isn’t just trash unto itself, but it's that celebrates, nay worships, trashiness. Hallelujah.

Comments

[Gillian]

My favorite part was definitely when the piranha burps up the penis.

[Angela P.]

Oh, now I can't wait.

[Tramputee]

Mostly agreed, minor issues:
1. Eli Roth, in any quantity, gives me hives
2. The whole Howard Schatz/ Delibes sequence was pretty and all, but considering the tone of the rest of the movie and the fact that one of the participating actors is more well known for her dp scenes, it seemed weirdly tame, almost chaste. Um, no simulated, watery cunnilingus? I want to be dp'd by gore and sex in equal amounts!

[Lorin]

What about the terrible and boring teen romance plot and complete waste of Ving Rhames and Adam Scott? That said, the gore did rule.

[val]

My friends and I decided to get stoned and watch this, and I honestly can't remember having a better time at a movie in recent years. The whole theater erupted with laughter, cringed at the gore, and yelled at the characters the entire time together (aside from the few who walked out, disgusted). I agree that the film was a glorious celebration of trashiness, and every moment was hilarious. However, due to my state of mind I did freak out at that underwater nude scene... they were down there for like 10 minutes and never came up for air!

[Alison]

Hey Rich, speaking of knowing-yet-straight-faced updates, have you seen Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans? If so, I need to hear your thought!. And a gif of Nick Cage fist-bumping the suspect would be pretty cool too.

[Tashina S.]

I told you once before via Twitter, that you pretty much were the internet to me, and this is why. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls IS my holy text and I am delighted to know you share these sentiments. I feel like we would be BFFs if I knew you for real. Can't wait to check this movie out. Also, I am always so shocked to know that hardly any one knows who Kelly Brook is. Her rack is what legends are made of.

[Michelle]

This movie was everything I expected it to be, and a half-eaten penis more. It was also my first 3D movie, and I was satisfied. he crowd was perfect and when we left the theater I saw plenty of red party cups, tall cans of beer, and empty bottles of mixer in most of the cup holders. Bravo.

[Republic Monetary]

I want to see this movie badly now...badly!

[Fashion Puttana]

I barely remember the 1st one since I was six or seven when I watched but I remember being scared shitles with the pool scene and for long periods of time I always double checked for piranhas before going in. Needless to say I can't wait to go and see this and now even more so with this review. Thank Rich!

[Very Early Signs of Pregnancy]

looks very scary!! I feel like vomiting seeing this creature.

[Dandy Darkly]

To evoke BtVotD is a powerful sentiment, Rich.

I'm seeing this Friday and am now doubly excited.

Also:

"You will drink the black sperm of my vengeance."

But in a good way!

[True Fuel Energy]

I have watched this movie and it has really made my hair stand on end.

[Acai Energy]

This movie has stolen my sleep. I have started watching terrible dreams after watching this movie.

[Pure Hoodia]

Yeah!! it is good enough for a dose of adrenaline.

[herve leger dress]

I remember a child, watching a movie, is also about piranha, and now there is the shadow of heart!

[Acai Max Cleanse]

This movie was definitely not my taste

[frozenBritains]

The Christmas travel plans of thousands of are in disarray after snow left Heathrow Airport all but shut. Thousands have been forced to sleep overnight in airports and there is disruption to road and rail travel with the Met Office warning of more snow ...