Into thin air

It wasn't Annamaria's constant bragging or the camera's lingering on her supposedly unhealthy body that let me know she was going home. It was her attempt to defend herself from Tyra's criticism and the death blink that followed.

At this point, I knew it was all over for her.

I'm a little bit torn regarding the issue of Annamaria's body (an issue that obviously affects us all and deserves everyone's judgement). Yeah, she's underweight, but duh, so are models. At 5'10" and 110 lbs., she's skinny, but not necessarily hard to look at.

It was a nonsense rationalization that she should be kicked off the show because she worked for this body type, as opposed to Ann, who supposedly can eat and eat, not gain a pound and rock a waist with the same girth as Tyra's wrist.

It was extremely telling that after all the fretting over Annamaria, Diane von Furstenberg said, "She can definitely be a model." Keep in mind that Diane probably experiences more working models firsthand than the entire panel put together at this point (maybe André does, whenever he can pull himself out of Anna Wintour's ass at the Vogue office). The shame of extreme thinness being the standard of beauty to hungry women and the gay men who humor them is beside the point (just like the fucked-upness of Tyra telling Cycle 6's Danielle to lose her accent was supposedly beside the point) -- it is what it is. Annamaria knew that, but what she didn't take into account was how easily she could be made an example. She left her head as empty as her belly, not quite getting how this show works. Little did she realize that this show is basically a teenager in broadcast form and will take a stand for the sake of taking a stand. She was pretty in a beauty-redefined-by-Gaga kinda way, and I'm not really sure what that means for her career, but I do have a feeling that she'll be getting the last laugh. Like, literally, as if she keeps up her calorie-restricted diet she may outlive us all. What's healthy again?

Oh, I also can't help but wonder if her eye-roll as she was hawking that blow dryer/curler/straightener/vibrator/stick shift had anything to do with her dismissal.

If you can't hang with the big/corporate dogs, you can't hang with Tyra.

Unsurprisingly, the scowl-filled Annamaria didn't cry when she was eliminated or even once all episode. These girls did:

14. Ann

People did this to her, while saying, "'Urrrgh!' Like that kind of stuff...":

And apparently, this loses its hilarity when it's directed at you. Hard to believe, but that's her story.

15. Rhianna

I actually don't know if she cried here, but what's important is that she was supposed to cry here.

16. Kayla

If a gay woman cries is she truly gay?

17. Terra

Modeling is hard!

18. Terra

No, like, you don't even understand because it's totally different than you thought it was going to be.

19. Terra

Multiple rooms are required to convey the difficulty and sadness that modeling causes. With this many tears spilled, Terra's more a soup salter than a soup cooler.

20. Kayla

"To have, like, 'queer,' written all over your body is not easy to always look at," explained Kayla regarding her tears. It's not easy to one time look at either, apparently. Also, I just don't get why kids didn't call her "Gayla." Like, perfect setup and they missed it. It just goes to show you the idiocy that goes along with homophobia. They couldn't even fucking subjugate right.

21. Terra

Terra was persecuted for being obvious in her photo (never mind that she was covered in obviousness via a truly bizarre slur). But no more obviousness for her, thanks to this elimination scare. She'll do whatever the judges say. Her new power word? Doormat.

And guess who's fixing to wipe her feet!

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"This shoot is very, very important to me. There is so much bullying going around."

So much bullying going around. Like it's herpes or a rumor or a chicken with its head cut off. Also, I see that it's the issues-based first photo shoot we all know and love, and that which will inevitably give way to a cycle's worth of photo shoots that aren't just apolitical, they set humanity back further than where we started ("This week, you're going to be dressed as giant butts and you must make your mouths pucker so that they are believable as anuses..."). Being socially consciousness for one out of, say, every 14 episodes amounts to something like, "I recycle on Tuesday mornings." Everyone's doing their minuscule part, I guess (just some people are more shameless in drawing attention to it).

(By the way, Believable as Anuses is the name of my EBM side-project.)

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"That's why the word is on you, 'cause it's taking the power back, meaning you can say all you want...sticks and stones will break my bones but the words won't hurt me."

Proof positive that this is utter bullshit: it is so stupid that I'm in actual physical pain. First of all, if words are so unimportant and harmless, why the fuck would you need to reclaim them? Isn't the point of "sticks and stones..." like, "I'm going to ignore you," and not, "I'm using the opportunity of a photo shoot to take what you said, paint it on my body in a display of reclamation and think of another word that will shield me from your insults"? If words aren't powerful enough to be offensive, they aren't powerful enough to be defensive either! Second of all, as a professional buffoon ("professional buffoon," by the way, totally should have been Tyra's "pow-pow-power word") who attempted to get her clips pulled from The Soup because someone chose to laugh at her in a way that she didn't sanction (as opposed to the lame, straightforward way that she would prefer), I think Tyra knows exactly how words can hurt. What a crock of shit.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"But you don't want to start going bah-tuh-tah-tuh-tah with these nice ta-tas. What size are they again?"

All right, creepy weirdo. Esther's tits are size G, for the 38th time. G for gigantic. G for gratuitous. G for get it through your head and stop asking her about her tits. G for girl, you seriously are a professional buffoon because you just wanted the opportunity to kinda sorta quote "Work It" and say "ta-tas" while pretending to jiggle yours.

Further adventures in professional buffoonery, by the way, include making up a sign-language translation to your bullshit as you speak it (while throwing in a hair-adjustment for good measure):

And also this:

Also see: every other word on this blog regarding Tyra.

Meanwhile, the return of André Leon Talley was mostly uneventful...

I know, right? That's what I was like. Still, the fact stands that I found only one entry for the Talley Tally of great quotes. Regarding Jane's shot, he said...

"The body is very, very gauche."

Not that he'd want to bully anyone or anything!

1. Ugh, and speaking of that, I would love love LOVE it if someone introduced to Tyra a form of therapy that didn't involve baring painful scars on reality TV. Alternate methods do exist, promise!

Plus, what was with this stupid photo shoot? It felt Goldie Hawn-inspired, but they bungled it and in hte process produced something more akin to Whine-In.

Also, this shot is only high fashion if you consider Cassandra Peterson to be a style icon. Some do, many don't, just saying.

Also, that's so contrived and I'm not yet taken by Rhianna's natural cubism.

Also, that is so weird. It seems like she's offering us a sip.

Also, that is Erykah Badu.

Also, that is the demon spawn of Ke$ha and Beavis.

Also, why for so many did picking a pow-pow-power word just amount to euphemizing?

An exercise in political correctness. How perfect. And how is "big square head" a source of pride?

Unless you're a villain on Gumby, I can't imagine a big square head being much of an asset.

And sorry...

...undefinable is a pretty fucking stupid response to "stupid" and also a pretty fucking stupid source of power unless you're, like, 12 ("I'm vaguely different and mostly just vague!") or Prince. And I got news for you: Rhianna is not Prince.

I feel like Kacey and Liz got it.

Good old Soup Lips, however, did not.

Because, you know, if the soup you're eating is cream-based (say lobster bisque), that's arguably luscious, and that would make Soup Cooler and Luscious Lips the same thing. What if it's vichyssoise, which is luscious and cooled already? Then what? Does Terra cease to exist?

Soup Cooler, though. What a roundabout way of insulting someone. "You seem like you'd be really good doing what everyone else does with their lips since yours are so big. Haha, you save time and money and get all the deliciousness of soup without the burnt tongue. What a ninny!" Really, guys, this is what you came up with? Bigotry today continues to disappoint. And I know that such lip discourse is racially coded and that's why it's traumatic and sucky for Terra, but Christ, call a spade a spade and tell your tormentors to come correct or save their breath for their own soup.

Funnily enough, Urban Dictionary offers two definitions for "Soup Cooler":

1)the mouth; derogatory. aka: man pleaser, or cake hole.
2) A soup cooler is a fart that is barely audible and akin to Darth Vader exhaling or has the name suggests someone blowing over their spoon of extremely hot soup.eg whooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. A pugnant [sic] smell is followed. One of the most potent farts, more often deployed by women.

So maybe this has nothing to do with Terra's mouth. Maybe she just stinks (I mean literally, and not in reference to her modeling).

"Gayla" jokes aside, I have a hard time believing that "queer" was the worst thing Kayla was called, just as I'm not buying the "band geek" thing from Mr. Jay.

But at least his power word matches that in unlikeliness...

And I guarantee that this is not the worst thing Tyra was called:

I, for example, have said worse. Way to really put yourself out there, Ty, and do what you're asking of everyone on your show. So vulnerable and raw, you are. Can I get an amen, Chris?

2. If that's the stupidest thing of the episode, placing a runway so high up so that no one could even see what anyone was modeling had to be the second stupidest. And Jay telling a de-spectacled Kacey, "The last light, just don't go past it. So use that as a reference," was right up there, too, since she can't fucking see, as stated.

That's like someone going up to him, like, "I'm afraid I'm going to fall," and him being like, "Well, just stay on the runway." Between Tyra's exploitation therapy and Jay's non-advice, these people are as helpful as hemorrhoids. Your take Chris?

I did love Sara's misconception that before they busted out the harnesses, she thought this was a "ya fall, ya die" situation. God, it would have been not at all stupid if it were. Next time, lose the harnesses, show.

3. Third stupidest thing:

"Like, I had to think, 'Am I gonna die? Do I look good?' in the same thought, and that was more than I could contemplate at one time." Really? Then what happened? Did your head explode from thinking two thoughts? No. Well, color me shocked as you are but also: IT WASN'T MORE THAN YOU COULD CONTEMPLATE.

Lay it on me, Chris!

4. Fourth stupidest thing:

Ann's weird-girl angle.

First of all, who died and made her Natasha Lyonne strung out beyond anything we'd ever seen before? Surely not Natasha Lyonne!

(I have to give it to her, though: she does sound appropriately tranquilized for the part of Natasha Lyonne.)

Secondly, the weird-for-the-sake-of-weirdness girl already happened with Allison Harvard. Being a hobosexual and putting forth an overall Roger & Me vibe is not going to convince me that this girl is weird. And don't cry about people asking, "Is the circus in town?" (and by "people," I mean "Buffalo Bill" if her reenactment is accurate), because that's exactly what you want them to think.

Even though it was dumb, I did kind of like, "Even though I'm, like, super super tall, I'm still afraid of heights, which is kind of ironic." It's probably less ironic than even a traffic jam when you're already late, but it sounds just as good. She should have sung it. Also, if a poof doesn't like pom-poms, is that similarly ironic?

Chris, take 'em to the bridge.

5. But you know what isn't stupid at all?

Kayla's planting of the idea that giving her the title of America's Next Top Model would be activism (and it's just lazy enough that Tyra might actually buy it!): "There's never, ever, ever been, like, a lesbian win America's Next Top Model, and I would love it so much if I could just be the first one." Put an "out" in front of the word "lesbian" in that statement and we're good (besides the apparent asexuality of many of the winners -- Naima, anyone? -- which could be lesbianism just hiding its face, Eva did have that stretch where she was hanging out with Missy Elliott...). Still, very smart to find that angle, especially in the wake of Prop 8 and all: being nice to gay people, so hot right now. I love that when she started talking about her taste for vag, one of the other girls (I really think it was Chris) asked, "Are you open about it?" No, she's very closed off and only talks about it in large groups of people while in front of cameras. Please respect her privacy.

Chris, give yourself a:

(Also, looking at that shot of Kayla above, I can't help but wonder why every other person now looks like Robyn. Can someone please shed some light on this epidemic that promises to be a silent killer?)

6. Also not stupid?

Diane von Furstenberg. Not stupid, just amazing. When did this woman become Céline Dion, by the way? "Free is the most beautiful word you could choose, because nothing is more important than freedom. And if you look for the freedom, then you will fly. And you look a little bit like you just about to fly." Diane sounds like she's already flying hard. I think she just wants a...uh, flying buddy.

I loved when the judges did that self-congratulatory hand-holding at the end of panel...

...and Diane totally pulled away!

We all have our limits. Maybe if they gave her more flying pills, she would have been more eager to participate.

7. I think Sara's my early favorite.

There's too much of a Claudia Schiffer vibe in her first ANTM runway show for her not to be. Usually when I latch onto a blonde early, she gets kicked off midway through the season (Rae, Lauren Brie, etc.), so I'm guessing my interest does not bode well for her.

7. Love the addition of backstage shots!

Tyra embraces and air-kisses her guests? How candid! I wonder if they also talk about what they had for lunch? Even better, I wonder if they actually eat lunch! Tune in next week to find out!

8. Let's close this out with a Pretty Party, shall we?

And the host of our party?

Demon Tyra. She's like Storm from X-Men, except when her eyes go white, bullshit rains down.

Comments

[Kizzo]

Chelsey looks so much like Jim Carrey in that Pretty Party pic I can't even handle it.

[Ele]

Rich, I'm disappointed you didn't make mention of Gayla's Super Screech. Was she sick, or just perpetually on the verge of crying, that she made my ears want to bleed upon every syllable?

Or is it just me?

[Val]

There is this invention called "contact lenses" that Kacey needs to get wind of. Could help with that whole blind-on-the-runway thing.

[Katey]

I like that you brought up the whole "Gayla" possibility. Obviously the kids at my high school had the same thoughts as you because they called me "Gaytey" (Katey) and my girlfriend Lindsay was "Lindsgay". Awesome.

[Ian]

Speaking of Danielle (still the greatest season of all time), I wonder how she's coping with the whole gap-tooth-is-so-au-courant movement currently rolling across the fashion sections of the major dailies? That seven hours in the dentist chair sure seems worth it now.

[Meg]

Ke$ha + Beavis...YES!!!

[flynn]

I have loved your recaps forever, but today I had to write and say that the screencap from Jaws looks like the outline of a woman's reproductive system.

[Anne Marie]

My problem with Anamaria was all the fucked up things she was saying. She clearly had issues with her weight and eating and the jury is still WAY out on under-eating for longevity.

[faye]

"Also, that is the demon spawn of Ke$ha and Beavis."

i lol'ed forever.

[veg]

All of them are rather brickish this cycle.

[deedee]

I can only think of one bully word for Tyra .. "Naomi"!

[Whitney G]

I was so sad to see Annamaria go because she was such a perfect bitch. There was so much potential there!

I do think she looked a bit sketchy in some of the clips, especially during the photo shoot. Adding 5 or so pounds of muscle mass would be good for her. But as soon as she said she was on a "restricted calorie diet," I knew she was doomed by Tyra "I never met a calorie I didn't like" Banks.

And Ann? Shut up. So people called you a giant and made Frankenstein noises at you. Wow, I cannot at all imagine anything more cruel being said or done to a human being. How did you not kill yourself?

On a completely non-bitter note, I love that Kendal is from my home state of Alabama. Her batshit craziness makes me proud.

[Madtuesday.wordpress.com]

You ain't shit, Rich.

Okay, so I must say once again that you're my hero for watching this garbage and putting it in easily (and pleasurably) digestible form for us.

Why did that sound filthy?

[emilyi]

I've totally figured it out: Ann is the daughter of Day of the Dead's Lori Cardille. But a little less pretty.

[sammit]

Pug and Jen, I feel your pain. So close to "luscious," so close to "Lucius," and yet not quite either.

[Lula]

When I saw DVF pull away from Nigel the first thing that popped into my head was "God damn, I hope Rich saw that too".

[Kathy]

"She's like Storm from X-Men, except when her eyes go white, bullshit rains down."

Genius! And also, BWAHAHA.

[Chris]

No mention of Tyra quoting Jade by calling Liz a "biracial butterfly"? I am disappointed... Imagine that!

[Ellen CA]

I'm disappointed that you didn't mention the man who appeared to be peeing on the side of the Venice Beach house when they first showed it.

[laura]

I always hate it when I get to the end of your recaps.
& I had totally forgotten about that random Demi Lovato appearance until I read the second comment...seriously what was up with that?

[bert]

I MUST love how "fierce" is the politically correct "lanky". I'm very surprised if it wasn't Tyra herself who came up with that.

[Gail]

Ann - being weird for the sake of being weird - it is what kids do. As for being called a giant - well, sometimes it isn't what is said, it is how it is said to them... Where I am from sorority girls can make, "well don't you look cute," mean, "who in the holy hell let you leave your room looking like that?" Just sayin'.

Annamaria - Anny? isn't there some sort of internet subculture devoted to living this sort of lifestyle? Most unfortunate name association - though Gayla is a close second.

Who asked about having trouble coming up with what they were viciously tagged in High School? I think I was called a freak once or twice, cancer girl - bitch...stupid etc. It wounded me deeply then - now, not so much. It's funny, I always thought of myself as some weird, redheaded, abino Amazon. Now I think I am a fierce redheaded, albino Amazon.

[Bethany]

"Bigotry today continues to disappoint." Is probably one of the best quotes ever.

[Lars]

Did anyone else laugh aloud when the photo shoot promoting/advertising the idea of Annamaria's scrawniness cut to an ad with the head of a broom careening around a room?

[Deric]

This is inarguably your best work to date, I cried reading parts of it.