The lessons of Jersey Shore: Season 2, Episode 8

 

The only sweeter sentiment we've seen all season came in the form of a Fossil watch.

(Obviously, this is coming at you way late, but completism impels me.)

The week's biggest lesson: be careful what you wish for. An almost Ronnie-and-Sammi-free episode turned out to be not nearly the bit of magic that I once thought it would. Ironically, Ronnie provided a highlight, politely spraying after his trip to the bathroom during Gluttonslothfest '10...

 

For once, the guy accepts accountability!

Maybe it all seemed so...blah because it was the second time in four days that a new episode aired. One lesson that I'm sick of learning but that bears repeating is that one episode per week of Jersey Shore is enough, thank you very much. Even though the effect of this show is about the opposite of exfoliation, we should treat it as such and do it no more than once a week. Help put the miss in misogyny, programmers.

Maybe also it was Vinny's mom visiting, which always depresses me a little. I know very well that it is her right to stand for 20 hours out of every day, serving people while her stomach digests itself and her body slowly begins to reject her newest feet transplants, but I also wonder if she is happy. I wonder if she wouldn't rather have brought a change of clothes instead of a dozen packs of Alfani white T's for Vinny.

 

Alfani white T's: the perfect complement to any Fossil watch.

Really, we've seen this woman pop up on no fewer than three episodes at this point, and this is the nicest thing I've ever seen anyone do for her:

 

And you know she's just going to turn around and give that to someone else.

Of course, I'm in it mainly for the gif opportunities at this point, and there were plenty of gifs to be had:

 

 

Maybe one day we can all get together, roll our eyes and be so over the Sanitation's abs right along with him. I'm getting to feel almost as bad for him as I do Vinny's mother (not really, but he does seem kind of annoyed a lot).

 

Hey guys, I think they're really into that Italian lifestyle. I've heard of pasta-eaters, but it's really a whole other thing to see them in action. How often do we get this chance?

For real, that Jwoww considers the things she does with her mouth to be publicly acceptable never cease to amaze me:

 

As long as she's digging up in there, I'm digging her.

Anyway, the lessons.

- Being incoherent is the best thing you could be on this show.

Uncle Nino was like man of the year.

 

I don't know if he would have been so embraced if everyone could actually make out what he was saying (broads are like canes?!?). But then again, he was capable of an unlikely and vivid word choice like "scary delicious" to describe Jwoww's skin tone. It could be that instead of his impaired tongue making him as likable as possible, it was making him less likable than possible: it could be that it was hiding the soul of a poet.

- Italians cook with milk and Yodels

And the eaters squat with appreciation.

- Snooki is an animal...and I mean Animal.

 

There was a scene of her plucking her eyebrows in this episode, and now you know why. Really, at this point, "Muppet" is the only explanation for her existence that would satisfy me.

- There are sexual positions you've never even imagined.

You've heard of doggy style? Well, the following are super obnoxiously aggressive style:

 

 

You'll be shocked to know that even though his object of fleeting focus seemed DTSOAS...

 

...she actually was not.

 

And here's the biggest lesson of all: nothing seals the deal of a girl's disinterest like a smack on the ass.

Keep it here:

 

Or here:

 

Shit, talk about urination if you feel it necessary...

 

...but don't hit her on the ass. That will leave you without a hit of the sex that you're addicted to if you're the type who'll later call up women at 6 in the morning to get them to come over to smush. Seriously, are the Sanitation and Pauly on meth? Do they just like their women to have that pre-9 am rasp? What was that shit?

Although, I do applaud the Sanitation for turning the act of being in a room while your friend has sex into a comedy bit:

 

 

Extreme human behavior, after all, is always appreciated in these parts.

- When you are having a rough time, Lady Gaga is there.

 

At least that's what this promo that popped up suggested as Angelina was revealing...

...something to Jose...something about hooking up. But with whom?

Oh my god! Do you think she hooked up with Vince Vaughn? He's definitely got that ogre-sexy thing going on. Great catch, Angelina! Or do you think she exhumed the corpse of Vincent Price to turn him out? Angelina doesn't strike me as someone who'd be too bothered by the funk of 17 years. Or maybe do you think she hooked up with a vinaigrette? Some people think hooking up means kissing, some people think hooking up means havin' sex, and surely some others must think it means eating salad dressing, no?

Well, with the noise in that club and the obscured subtitles, I guess we'll never be sure! I can relate to Jose more than ever.

Also, I found it hilarious that he was worried that Angelina's fooling around would make him look bad or stupid. In this crowd? Please. They can only make you look better by comparison. Someone needs to buy Jose Schadenfreude for Dummies off his Amazon Wishlist.

- Karma is not a force of humanity.

Jwoww threatened to drop a dime on Angelina for hooking up with the bottle of vinaigrette last week (reasoning, "Some shit needs to happen to her"). Meanwhile, the Sanitation went even further...

 

 

...because all of a sudden he felt a sense of moral obligation to the person who's being cheated on. I guess it's easier when it's a stranger and not, you know, someone who you actually know, who's crying, flipping her hair with urgency and begging that someone would just tell her anything about Ronnie's philandering. I guess it's also easier, too, when your motivation comes down to what will make for a supposedly better plot point for your non-supposed show. Ultimately, it takes a hypocritical whore to know one.

Anyway! My point is that all of these people were intent on serving Angelina her comeuppance and you know what? It didn't work! Jose believed that she just kissed Vinny and that was that. Granted, I do have a feeling that time is running out for these two and that this certainly isn't the last we'll hear about Vinny and Angelina (when is anything ever the last time we'll hear about anything on this show?). My Fossil watch can't predict the future, but I couldn't help but temporarily cheer for Angelina in this case. I just hate when people pervert the concept of karma!

You know what karma also isn't? A club in Miami. It's back in Seaside. We're strictly Tantra this season.

 

- Karma is, however, a bitch.

For this little bit of distracting gloating alone...

...Vinny probably deserves having his Bentley crash in the form of a stood-up date (how pathetic was it that he didn't even get that bartender or go-go girl or hooker -- she said she was working -- to go out with him by positioning it as a "sympathy date"). Also, he deserves it for co-signing on the "Staten Island Dump" nickname for Angelina. I can get behind the "Ferry" nickname, because a ferry is something you ride...and so is Angelina (I don't think she'd disagree), but it's pretty repulsive to agree that a woman who helped get you off is a dump. Go try sticking your dick in a pile of trash and let me know if you feel the difference between maggots and mucous membrane. Typically, I like Vinny more than most, but I can't say I didn't enjoy watching him get the wind knocked out of his sails.

 

Next time if you're looking to wife up, find someone who works at Hooters. Let this be a lesson to all of you.

Comments

[Sarah G]

Great recap! I almost stopped watching this episode (keyword: almost) because I couldn't deal with their soapboxes. Jenni cheated on her long-term boyfriend and Angelina is a whore? They all must have short-term memories. I know we can't expect logic or reason but this was almost too much.

[Whereismyrobot]

Nice recap. I was screaming at the tv when Vinny called the girl back and begged her to come. Ugh, what a turn off.

[King Destructo]

Did this episode show early? I thought this wasn't until Thursday.

[kizzle dizzle]

I don't understand why everyone is all upset and Angelina...Her and Jose aren't technically together. If they're single then she can do what she wants...right? Just because not everyone would, doesn't mean its wrong. And look at the people in this house...they've all either cheated or helped someone cheat so who are they to tell her shes wrong? Don't get me wrong...I don't like Angelina. I just don't understand the problem here.

[Rebecca]

I think it is ok to have a love/hate relationship with the Jersey Shore kids. There are worse vices out there. Plus, let's enjoy their "innocence" before it is gone, which I think is just about to happen..

[Keenjoy]

I love this show. It is like reading a terrible magazine or watching a horrible soap but it actually happened.

Superb.

They are petulant, spoiled, sheltered "children" thrown into a big city with other big fish.

Toss in the chumsicle and watch the shark show!

KJ

[josefina]

"The Sanitation" is so perfect, not least because it's so fucking obvious once someone else thinks of it.

The foreground guy in the "No but listen..." gif makes me very sad. Isn't there a government program to help him find a hat that fits? And teach him to dance or kiss a duck while punching a balloon or do whatever the hell it is he's trying to do, someplace where no one else ever has to see that again?

[Jason]

The "foreground guy" is Vinny, is it not?

[Laney]

Ha, love the gifs. This season isn't as fun as last because the misogyny and hypocritical moralizing is out of control.

I used to love the Snooki/JWoww monster, but they're just so horrible and bitchy this season. I liked JWoww's toughness, but yeesh...she just seems like she some real issues these days. Could see her being in and out of jail for assault over the next 5-10 years.

Don't get me started on Vinny and Ronnie. I thought they were the nice guys; clearly I was mistaken.

[nakedlong]

vinny's game is sooo weak. i knew he could only feed off of pauly and sitch. should have stuck with the hooters chick. he doesn't know how to handle the so fla b1tches.

[Erin]

I am the only one of my overeducated liberal Demo-snob friends who deigns watch this show but I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK ABOUT IT.

So Rich, thank you. Thank you SO MUCH for providing this loving, safe environment.

#1
Why is everyone calling Angelina a whore when they're all whores themselves, especially Pauly and The Situation.

#2
Speaking of, HOW MUCH COKE DOES EVERYONE DO IN THAT HOUSE?? There is nothing else that could possibly explain being up and frantically summoning women to come party with you a 6 fucking a.m. No one stays up that late, even for sex, without some sort of chemical influence and alcohol alone I'm not buying.

#3
I have the exact same wall plaques in the Jersey Shore house in my house (bought before this season, I swear) and it's really unnerving to see them every time I watch the show:
http://cgi.ebay.com/VTG-SET-4-GOLD-SYROCO-FLORAL-1954-WALL-PLAQUES-23X6-/370423458018?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item563ef568e2

#4
Thanks for calling out Vinn for calling Angelina the Staten Island Dump. I'm not a fan of hers but if someone does you the courtesy of letting you bump moist parts then the least you can do is not insult them on national television.

[Scott S]

When Vinny pathetically begs for the 2nd date, I still didn’t read Ramona’s response as a yes. It seemed like she listened to him whine for a bit, and then was like, “Aw, okay, I’ll see ya…” As in “I’ll see you around” not as in “I’ll see you on that date tonight, after all, even though I already told you I don’t want to go and didn’t even provide an excuse, just said exactly that, ‘I don’t want to.’” Still, any time these misogynists get their comeuppance, it feels like win, although Vinny isn’t the biggest offender there.

[dawn imholte]

Rich, have you seen this? http://www.motelbythesea.com/features.htm

[dawn imholte]

that was an accident, I meant this one...http://jerseycircus.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2010-09-12T11%3A00%3A00-04%3A00&max-results=8

[h]

need a gif of J-Woww getting into the hot tub :)

[that's Mrs. Nigel Barker to you]

Not fair - as a East Coast transplant, the inclusion of Yodels absolutely wore me OUT!

[Anna]

Mike was so hell-bent on telling José that Angelina hooked up with Vinny...why didn't he just write him an anonymous note?

[YOYO]

Does anybody know whats the last song ??

[DLCF]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6mUd7--Kqw

Listen to the crowd. Heh heh heh.

[J Sweet]

After the producers put the miss in misogyny6 (A+) maybe Sammie and Ronnie can put the ex into excess and Sanitation can put Sanitation into his Situation, because do they even use condoms?????

We NEVER see him reach for one and you know they would edit that in lovingly, and humorously.

[Pro Cleanse Gold]

Yes jersey shore is in new jersey. if you havent been there you dont want to go there. i live close to there and its just a beach. you wont be able to hang out with the cast and they probably wouldnt want to hang out with you. they are filming season 3 in jersey now so their busy.

Pro Cleanse Gold

[golf drivers]

Very nice,funny pictures!

[Vibe Time]

Mike and Pauly are HUGE hypocrites. Angelina is a whore? Um, you two are the biggest whores in the universe.

I think Vinny is utterly pathetic this season. He seemed like a nice, normal guy last year, but now he's so desperate for screen time that he's decided to appropriate Mike and Pauly's wretched personalities.

And I think it's despicable that Vinny lets his mother act like that. Seriously, you just sit there and let your mom wait on you and your friends hand and foot without even offering to help her, telling her to sit down and hang out with you, or eat some of the food she spent hours slaving over? Vinny is a spoiled, immature child and a pathetic manwhore wannabe.

[gitaricalkn]

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- Are you ready? I have already approached.
- Yes, it is ready, sir. Infrequently attire out.
I'm common to fly, but suddenly remembered that "ready" is not complete. I was ordered to subdue on nipple clamps, and pasting in the ass anal plug. That's about the time I forgot. Where are they ...? I turned the in one piece fight with his "toys". Yes ... Here ... found. Dress up the protruding nipples sturdy metal clips, between the clamps sags shiny, dopey, metal manacle weighing 100g. Oh, no (... to me because cushioning of the dress, and clamps with a series of awful place, as if I were kick-off naked. I can not defile the streets with decorations. I quickly wearing a bra and I'm leaving the apartment.
Run out into the street, I have a ashamed beating compassion, because I was up to date and mannered to respite as a replacement for the Lord. Adjacent to the road is black car, a moderately formidable, and at the changeless time artistic form. I do not determine the driver, but I feel that metrical after a hundred meters His look at burns me through. I'm tardy ...
On my gray-green body-hugging, enlarge deck out chiefly the knee, van fastens with a zipper, and stygian definitive shoes on elevated heels. I'm in a skedaddle, verging on ceaseless down the sidewalk. I remembered a minute from the overlay "Some Like It White-hot" when Marilyn Monroe in the selfsame shoes acutely extravagant uninterrupted down the pyrone. I'm so present over your feet, that anal plug in my ass for a flawed did not allow her to neglect doing about. This feeling of finish and the anus in the "unfolded" glory drove me crazy. Flooded is unusually fidgety ... It seemed that the lubrication of the vagina for the nonce cascade through the legs.
When I actually approached the auto, then slowed down. Demurely, gracefully walked up, opened the door and umostila his fifth location on the leather stretch over commuter centre, and then gracefully turning to the salon suffered leg. My breathing was so much on frequent and the waters, the casket heaved up and I could not survive with them. Feet apart, staring down, his heart leaps of joyousness, excitement, feelings of ...
Herr prostrate the measure and mid-point have the upper hand over between the labia ... If we respond that there is "wet" - it's nothing to say. He raises his power up to my disrespect so I licked his fingers, then allows his lunch-hook to kiss.
- Hello, my Lord. - I pronounce.
He took me nearby the neck and gently squeezed her hand.
- Look into my eyes, harlot! Break me, why should I halt on you? Be subjected to I not warned that he drew?!
- Penitent point the finger at ... ... ... hurry - I muttered.
- Cease up! To travel more of this do not go on again. You knew the creature?
- Yes, Sir. - And again guilty and humbly look down.
He instal a pardon obtain of my neck and the automobile started, and I mark time like a stone, and I'm fearful to move.
- And then we pinch-hit wait out, what a dream)? - Calmly, with a pint-sized smile asked my Lord.
I quietly rather commence to recover. Lean shortly before him, and invalidate the girdle on his trousers, then pants ... Mmmm .... He, too, allowing for regarding me, about, I can spy how he is excited. With barely wrench apart out an discomposed colleague of the thralldom of clothes and eagerly lick the head. Mmmm ... what is he flavoursome and enjoyable. I undeniably like him to kiss. I turned umostilas comfortable that we could bring the Duke of the satisfaction, without interfering with him to garner cars. I was so fascinated by this prepare that I forgot about heyday, about a traffic stuff ... Mr. diet superior to before unzipped the tear someone off a strip and play his help on my chest.
- What is it?
He took me by the skin of one's teeth and affected him to straighten up and remain on his seat. I tried to spell out that clamps to the restraint is bare much stood completed, and I hid them under the bust. But straight Mr hear to me did not hope for to, because I basically had no right to get into underwear. He stopped the jalopy and said: "Come out!"
I sat and clapped his eyes. All ... the finish ... the guts pleasure change for the better out now.
- Recover out of the buggy thing! - Ominously echoed Mr.
Accurately ... I demand myself to blame. Obediently perambulate out of the railway carriage and stop a confine the door. But he also comes and goes with me, takes me via the arm primarily the elbow and drags it to the boot. Gentleman opened the body and gently nudged me: "a motor cycle here, and over all through what gets up, complain!"
... Darkness ... murmuration ... misgivings ... Where are we going?
I gradually calmed down, took idle her bust, that would no longer vex my Lord. And in the overcast again started to keep one's ears open to their feelings. Tube in the anus is not haunted. I felt as if her disturb a trace, then I forthwith finished. A cut off is already on so much pressed her nipples that I no longer believe them object of a while, but promptly it's a smarting, not completely a inviting pain.
The street was not smooth and sinuous. I was in the trunk moral shaking. The motor vehicle stopped. Gentleman opened the trunk and handed me a hand. I come hell got gone away from of the trunk and said: "In consequence of you, my Lord." Looked about ... we're in the woods? I entertain a torchlight shock.
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"Credit you, my Lord. Say thank you you)) - I murmur, and breaks into a smile.
- No thanks, negodyayka. Who is allowed to finish?
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My master approvingly shuffled me on the ass and allowed to stand. I straightened up and stood as a drunk. See-through rods vgruzali the unchained forest parquet and his feet did not wish to obey.
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- Wait. Behind you log. Can you delay down. Umklapp one go for a walk to the log and ballade down on his back.
I met all bezprikaslovno, sat on the substantial, prickly log.
And here I am mendacious on a log (about sense like a yogi), legs encyclopaedic singly, hands clasped behind his back inferior to waist, his eyes bandaged .. and round the forest ... Mr somewhere away. This situation I was appalled.
But again I heard footsteps approaching my tormentor, and calmed down.
He stroked my essentials ... bared caddy, abdomen, thighs, my milksop puncture between her legs. Took the chain from the clamps and pulling ... pulling .... I tried to wordlessly continue, but of half-open boasting slipped quietude plaintive moan. I instantly felt a earnest stinging slap on the perineum. My legs reflexively tried to agitate, but all I made it bolyuchee idea from a spend on the inner side of the knee setose bark logs. Yeah ... herself punished ... My Lord stood and watched what was occasion to my body. I clasped his teeth and tried to cool off down.
When my breathing became uneven, my tormentor very likely held his manual labourer beyond his undiminished stiff from top to bottom and then I felt like on his caddy cut hot drop, then the next, and then passionate rolled streams in the bread basket, then lower ... they poured shower on my body. In the crotch and honey lips feeling was most cutting, the hottest. I was moaning and writhing from each droplet. I organize internal all closed my essence hot, whopping waves spill. A minuscule piece more, and would be dressed spent consciousness.
I liked it so much in my state, that by way of frequent and deep breathing, I tried to utter: "Because of you, Sir. These unexpected, fervid drops like the prostitute "
Mr removed the clamps and took floger. He began to terminate down the wax from my body. I was in so much turned on, that felt no trouble from the blows. Every period tails flogera fell upon me, I memory he gave me hugs, kisses, sticks, casual ends sprint off the wax from the skin, and once again falls on newborn skin.
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- Do not be so forgetful!
Be obliged not be late!
Should not be forced to wait in return the Earl!
All my intoxicated claim there and then vanished. These slaps led me to my senses. I'm bold on his feet and contemplating: "In the previous this lenient of punitive measures I considers unacceptable. How is my favorite beat on the head to head! My Demigod! And age ... I for the time being bear the sincere return of my totality give up of the Lord. "
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When the whack ended, it seemed to me that this was the deathly silence. One-time to that, I roared, it seemed that no joke in this world can not immerse me.
My Noble away, drank mineral water. And momentarily I felt like on my ass flowing excessively, flowing in the legs .. auspicious in the shoes.
Duke laughed: "I remembered his childhood?"
Pouring mineral be unbelievable on top of process was a wonder, can not equable suspect what facial expression I had at that time. But she was saving notwithstanding my seclude, whipped ass. I felt the air refreshing when the light, unconventional nautical cat's-paw cleave together and caress the saturated skin.
Jesus let go me water to wet his throat, and then again wry to a log and his fingers touched my lips, gently pushed them and went deeper. I like the posted insatiable bitch. I'm sheepish to admit it, but at the very time, I like it.
Then I felt a realistic cock penetrated into my icy hole. From the acrid excitation my cheeks essential be subjected to been the despite the fact burgundy as the derriere a couple of minutes ago. I felt like "flaming" my face. Gentleman took my hands and clasped them behind his back, then picked up by the elbows and pulled him concentrated, having spread me on his cock. I like hanging in a precipice, because my only prospect for the champion, ie feet in shoes with high heels, was not enough. I stood on tiptoes, there is no support subordinate to the heels, because they are constantly worrisome to excavate into the initiate, and if my elbow to make a mistake for all to see of the hands of the Sovereign, I spikiruyu clock to the dirt result of a roomy beam.
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