Dis Lexie

 

She should have killed him while she had the chance!

42. Ann

"It's really hard to stay at the top," cried Ann, mistakenly thinking that she had botched her photo shoot. I love that what goes for actual celebrity and crab barrels also goes for ANTM. This show is teaching these girls real life lessons!

43. Ann

Lest you don't believe her regarding how hard it is to stay on top, here is physical proof that it is cry-so-hard-and-so-wet-that-it-requires-chin-wiping hard.

44. Ann

She's really, really having a rough time coping with possibly not having the top picture. Like, how does she deal with a hangnail? What would happen if she got overcharged? Could she cope with a ceiling leak or would it melt her down?

I worry about this girl. I feel like we're getting set up to watch her unravel. It may already have started:

This could be, in her words...

I hope she's well stocked in the ramen of remorse that she salted with her tears this episode.

45. Chris

“I said, ‘Can I jump? Can I leap? Can I roll?’ He said, ‘Do what you want,'" is how Chris explained this bout of emotion. Seriously. That's what makes her feel. Her description of her tears is much farther out than I could ever attempt in this space.

46. Chris

It's really hard not just to stay at the top but also near the top. Chris has no idea what she's in for as she tries to hang on to No. 2.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

(On Kayla's photo)

"What happens is when a model goes for it this strong, in a photo, there's gonna be a lot of ugly ones like [wordless grunting accompanied by contortions reminiscent of severe palsy]...

...and that's OK! 'Cause you went for it! You weren't scared!"

I, however, am petrified.

In it for the gif, obviously ("in it for the gif" justifies over half of what's covered on this blog, come to think of it). I've been collecting this shit for so long, one day when I'm not doing it anymore, I'll look back on a moving picture of Tyra essentially slurring the handicapped with her body movements and think, "This used to be my playground."

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

(On Liz's picture):

"You know what her face looks like? 'WHAT'D YOU SAY, BITCH?!?'"

I have a feeling she just felt like screaming, "WHAT'D YOU SAY, BITCH?!?" and instead of unleashing rage, channeled in into criticism. That's what I'd do, anyway.

Anyway, since a screen shot and a split screen aren't enough to capture the majesty of Liz's hair (think Kate Gosselin does a community theater version of Labyrinth), here it is in animated gif form:

Basically, that needed to happen.

There's no Talley Tally this week. He didn't say anything great so he doesn't get the award of a half-assed feature on a stupid blog. Better luck next time!

Although, I did enjoy him dropping by the girls' pad if for no other reason than I'd love to see this coming around the corner in my apartment one day:

I'm sure he'd look just as disgusted when faced with the dreckitude of my lifestyle and everything.

1. Since setting the runway challenge on a wildly paced conveyor belt was clearly devised for nothing other than laughs, and since I typically do not write about intentional comedy (unless it's to say, "Lame!" at this show's frequent attempts at it), I will merely present a list of my seven favorite things that happened as a result of posing the nearly impossible challenge of a moving floor to "models":

- No. 7

This cycle's gif queen kicks things off...with a little help from Jesus!

- No. 6

I'm not a big fan of Chelsey's pictures, but I love her twinkle toes!

- No. 5

On your mark, get set...get set!

- No. 4

It's a runway, not a scooter.

- No. 3

Revvin' up, 'cause ROCK AND ROLL!!!!

- No. 2

The Olive Oyl model stereotype persists! (Note: Esther's fall would have been included had it made a good gif. A rare miss for the medium.)

- No. 1

You could get into PCP and play out the results on ice. You could spin around bent over with your forehead on a baseball bat that's perpendicular to the ground. Or, you could attempt to go backward on a conveyor. Same results, your choice.

2. And since comedy often begets comedy, here are the Top 5 audience reactions to the girls' wobbly shenanigans:

- No. 5

I can't tell if she's upset about the fall, or that it wasn't harder.

- No. 4

A reality TV extra covering her face and not mugging for the camera a la...

...this guy? Now I've seen everything!

- No. 3

She's seething with jealousy that another girl gets to be a circumstantial clown. Women can be so awful to one another!

- No. 2

Adding insult to injury, this one just realized that she neglected to take her muffins out of the oven before she left the house. Whoopsie blazey!

(Not mad at the cute guy photobombing two of these screen shots AT ALL.)

- No. 1

She is bemused by the whole thing, but not exactly emotionally invested. She's so whatever because she's just going to go home and fling on a feather boa and pour herself a cosmo anyway.

3. The Top 2 displays of facial shock amongst the contestants (non-moving runway division):

- No. 2

- No. 1

On and on and on, Chris delivers. This is seriously one of my favorite gifs of a very gifable cycle. And look, I made the best better:

I guess that's my way of saying that I think Chris should get into cartoon work. (Also, is Chelsey saying, "Fuck!" in the background since Chris' name was called before hers? Now she'll never be the object of my animation!)

4. Top 2 Top Model Firsts (Toppa Toppa Toppa):

- No. 2 - Jay: "Now for the first time on Top Model, we have a father and son duo, Eddie and Mosha Braca..."

(It is, by the way, so stupid that they are collectively referred to as "Braca Times Two." Would you like to have a three-word shared nickname that involves multiplication?)

- No. 1 - "A Top Model first: Ann never before in the history of America's Next Top Model has a girl started with first picture and got it four times in a row. Congratulations..."

You'll know this show is dead (I mean literally off the air and not irrelevant, since, well, you know...) when it stops being impressed with the things it creates for itself to be impressed with. It's such a drag ball! (And no, it is not the first time in the history of fourfour that I am making that comparison, but it is the first time in the history of fourfour that I am making it in this context, so ooh and ah at that!) What do we have to look forward to? "For the first time in the history of America's Next Top Model, a convicted murderer is on the judging panel!" "For the first time in the history of America's Next Top Model, we're having you show pink!" "For the first time in the history of America's Next Top Model, I'm speaking backwards:  Model Top Next America's becoming towards running the in still you're. Congratulations."

Honorable mention in this countdown goes to the first time in the history of America's Next Top Model that someone used the word "foreshortens." I almost thought that wasn't a real word, and then I realized that Jay Manuel trumped me in vocabulary. I now know despair.

5. Lexie said, "I'm really strange," and then proved it by eating a stack of Saltines.

Those carbs are brutal. What a freak!

Also, her fight with Kacey this episode?

Regarding hairpins?

So lame. I miss the days when people on this show fought about real issues, like frozen vegetables and writing things in carb-free brownies (see what I mean about the carbs?). Where's the Saran Wrap when you need it?

Also?

Lexie looks like a Kimberly Stewart impersonator in her shot.

Can you imagine a career path more pathetic than Kim Stewart impersonator? Yesterday's nobody impersonated today. See ya!

I love that Nigel said, "I'm sure she's a lovely girl," about Lexie. With all the photographic proof he's had, that doesn't sound so sure to me.

6. What a shoot.

I love that Nigel said this was "classic kind of porn position." Doesn't he mean pin-up? Wouldn't a classic porn position involve a dead-on spread to camera with probable manual labial opening?

Chris looks way too much like Keyshia Cole's mom Frankie.

And Ann might be awkward, but that doesn't mean that she makes sense.

This at least makes a little more sense:

It's a move of seduction, see?

7. In her runway dress, Ann looked like White Mousse Pocky.

I just happen to love Pocky.

8. When Jane said her dad was a "lung doctor," it sounded like "lawn doctor," which is not a real medical professional (but it is a real thing) and thus would be hilarious to be snooty about.

You got it, dude!

9. Love that the male modes are providing a thread throughout the cycle!

Every time I see my TV boyfriend (above, left), I'm like...

Because I'm apparently that pathetic? Anyone have a feather boa and a cosmo I could borrow?

(Just kidding: I have my own.)

10. You know what my favorite jokes are?

"You might wanna die" jokes. My favorite jokes used to be, "You might be a redneck" jokes and then they became "You might be smarter than a 5th grader" jokes when Jeff Foxworthy made his triumphant crossover into game-show hosting. But they're definitely now, "You might wanna die" jokes. Here's Liz's:

"When you're pregnant and alone and in a homeless shelter and nobody wants you and it's three days before your birthday, you might wanna die." Isn't that great? It even works as a, "You might be a redneck" joke (but sadly, probably not a "You might be smarter than a 5th grader" joke).

Oh wait, this isn't a joke? Really? Hmmm. I guess I figured that someone who spits on people as a matter of course would have a sense of humor that's on the more politically incorrect side.

11. I finally figured out that J. is totally getting his eyebrow ideas from Uncle Muscle.

I have to remember to start calling him "Aunt Muscle." And regardless of anything else, he seems more prone to live the words he spews than anyone else on the show. When he told Liz, "Girl, fashion is a risk!" he was speaking from firsthand, in-the-moment experience.

12. I don't think this episode was particularly fascinating, but there were so many small, tickling details. Stuff like Kacey's over-the-top reaction to winning the challenge...

...and the girls' over-the-top reaction to her over-the-top reaction...

I feel like this screen shot depicts their characters in a nutshell.

And then there was the Kurkova cornucopia (Kurcopia?)...

...and Kayla's on-the-spot makeover...

I guess what J. failed to mention is that fashion is not only a risk; it's also Scissorhandsian.

And how 'bout this bitch?

And what about Kendal?

She's cracking up right alongside Ann. She learned it by watching Tyra...

...who was on fire this episode. If I had the drive, I would have made a clip reel of her moments of unrest (there's always one episode per cycle where she seems particularly on), but instead please accept this loop:

 

I believe this is what you see before you die. And then, behind your dead back, she's all...

Comments

[a]

Rich! I thought for sure you'd point out Liz's crazy vag arms in that shot where she's lying down.

[Paddy]

Just realized that Kayla is really Amy Poehler.

[Gretchen]

I swear they played music from Sims3 when Kacey was receiving her runway reward jewelry.

There was no way in hell Ann's photo was the best of those...sorry, I like Ann, but she looks like a seven foot tall praying mantis in that shot.

[Lauren]

Is any one else completely sick of Ann? I liked her at first, but damn, I hate the undeserved attention she is getting! I KNOW this means she isnt going to win, which is the only reason I can go on without breaking my tv the next time she wins top picture without deserving it. Kayla is kicking ass, and deserving top spot. She'll probely win. I mean, they keep adding her talking about being the first openly gay winner... I think she'll win first prize. And if her girl doesnt want her with her raspy voice and adorable red hair ( I love it!) I'll take her.
yum.

BOO Ann

YAY Gayla!

[Liz]

Thank you for clearing up the Lawn Doctor confusion. I actually sat there for awhile wondering if that's really a status career that people would gawk at before I realized, hey, she probably didn't say "Lawn Doctor."

Every time I see Ann, I think of the McPoyle sister from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

[Allen]

Again another fun filled ANTM recap that makes me smile ear to ear. :) Thanks Rich.

[Nina N]

I think Ann was picked by TPTB from the beginning. She'll probably have a few appearances in the Bottom 2, and then she will overcome her obstacles and win. I don't know, I like her. Jane is so gorgeous, though, and I'd ultimately like to see her win. I don't think Kayla looks like a model at all. If Cynthia Nixon and Ronald McDonald mated, Kayla would be their offspring.

Also, that video clip made my cat jump about two feet in the air. Mad props!

[Dennis Chin]

Love these recaps. Makes my Monday so much better!

Some thoughts:

That Asian male model is so hot. Anybody able to dig up his name and agency? (I tried but failed)

Also, Kacey's walk is pretty fierce.

And Kayla for the win!

[Vanessa M]

Ah, nothing like teaching these girls about the real world of modeling like having them model on conveyor belts and pose on roller coasters. I can't wait till they need to look fierce while getting their appendix removed with only a shot of tequila and a ball gag for anesthesia.

[yggie]

That conveyor belt, ugh, and putting some of those girls in long dresses... what the hell? They hate them, don't they? This season is the worst yet and unfortunately not in a good way. Ann is being set up to fall, no doubt (hope not, I still like her well enough).

Always enjoy your recaps and gifs, Rich, and your tv boyfriend is hot.

[blub]

Really? NOTHING about Liz's vagina arm?

[Kelly]

I also had a train of thought that went something like. "Lawn doctor? Hmm. Didn't realize that was such an upper middle class sort of thing. Maybe he runs a long-established family business with lots of employees and.... Why am I thinking about this? I don't give a rat's ass."

[Dandy Darkly]

I can see now Ann is totally headed towards a massive nervous breakdown.

As a Top Model historian, I do think the new addition of first picture and digital art status has added a level of competition that was sorely missing from the previous cycles. I also liked the one instance where Tyra brought 3 girls before her and amped the 1st prestige even further.

But... bleh... this show has become snoresville. Who gives a shit about the first 6 or 8 girls kicked off anyways?

And it's time to add Male Models to the competition. Do it Tyra. Give yourself another "For the First Time Ever" moment.

And bring back Janice Dickenson. Could you imagine her and ALT on panel together?

[Shanghaishrimpo]

I thought Jane said her dad was a Long-Docker! (Something akin to a long shoreman, perhaps?) I guess was kind of confused as to why the other girls were oohing and ahhing...

[Jco]

How about Tyra calling Lucha Libre "Nacho Libre"?

[grace]

Ann is throwing me MAJOR Jarvis Cocker vibes lately:

http://www.pulpwiki.net/Pulp/RazzmatazzPromo
http://www.pulpwiki.net/Pulp/PartyHardPromo

[jared]

Don't you dare steal my Asian-model boyfriend! :)

[Hair Dryer]

I love how you add the gifs in order to tell the story.

Ann looks as though she is pretty close to the breaking point.

[ben]

The best part of this recap was your idea about Kate Gosselin. She needs to do a community theater production of Labyrinth IMMEDIATELY. In Spandex. I would watch that until I died of malnourishment or old age or euphoria, or all three. Maybe Jon could be Jennifer Connelly's character... omg!?

[Robert]

I'm getting sick and tired of Ms. Jay's eyebrows this seasons. They haunt my nightmares. If you're going to pencil them in, at least do it right.

[loopygorilla]

ty rich :)

and omg ive lost concentration of the girls cuz i was too focused on yet anoter shirtless episode with male models.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

[loopygorilla]

hmmm from these comments it seems the asian guy has many fans :P

well im willing to share :P

he is hot!!! wow nice!

[May]

I'm pretty sure I'm going to get fired from my job, as it was dead silent, I was quietly scrolling through this post, laughing to myself, when I reached the moving version of Ann's photo.

I think it sounded like this:
BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

[nerak]

niiiice uncle muscle ref. flawless.

[Gingy Duluth]

Kayla= Debra Messing.