Good girl gone home

Now that Rhianna's leaving, I'm realizing that I never made any Rhianna/Rihanna jokes. To make up for that here's a list of alternate titles to this post:

"Pon de reject"

"Please don't stop the model"

"S.O.Fierce"

"Shut up and...shut up"

"Live your life off TV"

"Go back to the house, pack your belongings and don't forget your umbrella ella ella ey hey hey"

"Marry, model for, kill: Chris Brown, Drake, Tyra Banks?"

36. Chris

"I'm cryin' but I'm proud of myself," said Chris on overcoming her fear of roller coaster malfunction. Pride for this kind of nominal accomplishment is what this competition is all about! (And what life is all about, really: it's a small microcosm after all!)

37. Chelsey

Chelsey needs to learn how to wear her Bottom 3 status -- and not let it wear her.

38. Rhianna

I think it's beautiful how much this competition is loved. Oh wait, no I don't.

39. Liz

After turning out something this rancid...

...Liz's tears may be best attributed the eye-watering that often comes in the presence of hot garbage.

40. Ann

Oddball becomes a game of solitaire. But then, it always was in the first place, no?

41. Rhianna

Tyra told Rhianna to go home and practice to see if she could be a chameleon and instead of saying, "Whatever that means!" in response, Rhianna got right to work by getting her Jesus Christ Superstar on. In her exit interview, she looked so saintly, yet so flower-childish! If bridging the gap between Jesus Christ and old-school hippies without patchouli isn't an accomplishment, I don't know what is.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"This month is the anniversary of my magaline, where your recreation's gonna exclusively appear. And in a month, I'm going to be launching a new beauty and fashion website."

"...but you won't be on that," is how she could have punctuated that slide into plugsville. I'd roll my eyes at the shameless advertisement, except I feel like everyone's going to be launching a new beauty and fashion website in a month. If I start with Tyra, the complaining could never end. I mean, the complaining will never end, no matter what, but I have bigger fish to fry than desperate appeals to one's ad-sales team. That's just how people do in '10.

Also: magaline. I don't need to elaborate on its stupidity -- I feel like it's doing all the work already.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"Think boyish. Just a boy, like a little boy, like a little bad boy...

...Nice nice nice!"

Usually, I hate when Tyra gets behind the camera and starts acting like she owns the place (no matter if, in fact, she does), but really I can't hate on this, as she's clearly recreating one of the most disturbing pop-culture references of my childhood: when the bicycle guy molested Dudley on Diff'rent Strokes.

To review, here's a thumbnail sketch on the rules of life: love like you've never been hurt, dance like no one is watching and shoot photos like they're child pornography.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"I think you're a chameleon. That's a strength, that you can do so many different things. I mean, to me, this I see, like, a sexy version of Disney's Ariel from The Little Mermaid. I also could see you being a country singer. You've got a lot in your bag, you just have to figure out what to pull out."

The child-molester thread continues with comparing Kayla to a sexy version of a cartoon (why does there have to be a sexy version of a cartoon?) and, in the next breath, talking about what's in her bag. Good luck getting past the fish scales to find out.

Continuing the thread, though, of what this red-headed chameleon can do in addition to being a sexualized children's character and a country singer (same thing most of the time, no?), I'd add: playing Harriet in the stage musical of Small Wonder, playing Tiffany in the documentary-to-feature version of I Think We're Alone Now, dressing up as Wendy to greet patrons of a Wendy's franchise and working as an appetizer-tray carrier at a Manic Panic trade show.

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

"So, let me tell you about the big forehead crew, because you belong to my tribe."

Why's it always gotta be about tribes with the black girls, Tyra. RACIST.

Just kidding. I do wonder what's bigger: Tyra's forehead or her ego. And is her ego growing as a result of her forehead or is her forehead growing as a result of her ego? That's this generation's chicken/egg debate, I think.

Tyraism of the Week No. 5

"So it just makes it look like, almost like an amateur drag queen. Like you didn't win RuPaul's Drag Race, you got eliminated early."

Yeah, like Nicole Paige Brooks LIKE I SAID. Any weirdness I have about being on the same page with Tyra Banks is assuaged by her actual, irrefutable acknowledgement of RuPaul's Drag Race. This is major! She never likes to so much as admit the existence of a joke about her that wasn't made by her, and yet, she just did. Could it be that she is maturing right before our eyes?

Tyraism of the Week No. 6

(In response to Matthew Rolston saying, "I love Kendal's chocolate coloration.") "I love that you said that, 'cause that's everything that I stand for, is like expanding the definitions of beauty. So to hear you say that makes me proud."

As she's the inventor of chocolate coloration, I can definitely see why she'd be proud. She doesn't even need America's next top photographer to gag over on reality TV to justify her pigment palate -- self-pride would do just fine.

Look, while the beauty of dark-skinned women clearly is something the world needs to grasp better, viewers of this show by now are at least familiar with Tyra's agenda. And let's not forget that she did not, in fact, invent Alek Wek with her womb and/or spectacularly large forehead. But whatever, no accomplishment is to small for self-aggrandizement!

And now for the Aggrandiva:

On Esther's picture:

"I think it's superb. It gives me a total moment of young Elizabeth Taylor. I think the lips, I would want to eat them for breakfast."

I hope that he isn't implying that Esther's lips are pork-like because that wouldn't be kosher and thus, a conflict of interest/breakfast-lips. "It gives me a total moment," is so so good, though! Really need to start using that.

On Kendal's picture:

"You're the ultimate mermaid and you've brought all the diamonds of the sea up to the surface! It's fantastic. Congratulations."

Kendal may have the diamonds of the sea on lock, but ALT is surely a pearl in the rough of linguistic expression. We're cool as long as he keeps talking.

1. You know what totally gave me a moment? Tyra's desperate wolfing of carrot bread during the prize shoot. It's time, boys and girls, for a gif wall:

I'm a little worried about her. Why is she starving? And why isn't she embarrassed to admit so much with her wolfing? Tracie told me that when she was watching it, she thought that Tyra was hamming it up in advance of a stunt (i.e. she'd start to "choke" and force the girls to give her the Heimlich and whomever broke the least amount of ribs would be the winner? Of I don't know what? A place on the mastcolumn of her magaline?). It just goes to show that a ruse without payoff is really just performance art.

I believe that gif is my case in point. Unless, of course, the gif counts as the payoff. Get out your magaline editor's cap and you be the judge!

2. And speaking of points made by Tracie:

Everyone knows that this challenge ripped off one in the first season of Paris Hilton's My New BFF, right down to the Knott's Berry Farm location, right? It was actually the challenge that got me into BFF: I was intrigued by the way a reality show challenge could be both utterly frivolous and completely functional. Because of course someone as vapid as Paris Hilton would want to be friends with someone who looked hot in roller-coaster photos. That is so reasonable. I think the usefulness of this challenge in that context is in direct proportion to its uselessness in the context of ANTM. Also, copying an intentionally satirical reality show's challenge in your unintentionally satirical reality show is about as edgy as...Kacey's roller-coaster edgy face:

Seriously, the following was no exaggeration -- you can model on a roller coaster literally this well:

And if you need any pictorial evidence as to why this challenge has NOTHING to do with modeling fierceness or any kind of -ness (I suppose you'd need this evidence if you didn't realize that MODELS ARE NEVER ASKED TO MODEL ON ROLLER COASTERS, ESPECIALLY ROLLER COASTERS GOING AT FULL SPEED), here you go:

Chelsey's secret is that she sleeps with a night light...and is host to a demonic presence. It's really striking how all the G-force really emphasizes all this emaciation. If your idea of beauty is skin clinging to bones, this roller coaster challenge is right up your alley! There's naturally thin, there's starving-yourself thin and then there's roller-coaster thin. I do believe the bar has just been raised.

Lexie looks jealous of the beams' fat percentage.

Two good things did come out of this, though. One was Chris' reaction when the challenge was announced:

When magazines make the transition to being all digital for our android tablet hands, the animated gif may become an essential part of fashion spreads. In that case, I think Chris will flourish. Her mannerisms already are soooo editorial (in the this sense of the word).

I also loved Nigel's introductory suggestion: "Try not to pee when you're above us." I mostly like this because it's fun to envision as an ultimately failed scenario.

And of course, those seeking for that same balance of ridiculous and frightening without the roller coaster should look no further than Miss J...

As usual!

3. The shoot this week was good! I always like it when the focus is on the face and not how many babies the girls can juggle or how much weight attached to their genitalia they can hold without looking "strained."

I cannot get over, though, how much Kendal is looking like Angela Bassett. It's more and more every week.

How is she going to top herself next week? Lighting someone's opulent shit on fire and mocking Halle Berry's turn in Monster's Ball?

Speaking of lookalikes, I am getting such a Keenyah/Eugena vibe from Kacey, it's unreal. Maybe I'll start calling her Eukeenya, maybe I won't. That will probably have more to do with my increasingly unreliable memory than it does the inherent bulk and stupidity in the portmanteau, though!

It's completely absurd that this...

...was kept over this:

Honestly, Rhianna's kindness and phlegm-filled amazement at just about everything kind of creeped me out, but I'll take this over Liz's stank expression any day. It's one thing to pose with decaying seafood; it's another thing to look like you're smelling it.

(But on the other hand, Liz seems to irritate Jay Manuel to no end, and anyone busting his buttons is all right in my book!)

Chris is like a piece of pizza I don't like: I'm so confused about her. I know that I should like her but something's not doing it for me and the stress from befuddlement is too great for me to actually figure out why. Maybe it'll come to me. I'll always enjoy her funny-for-the-wrong-reasons comedy, at least!

Couric e fagioli?

I see her on magazines or behind counters spraying perfume in the faces of passersby. Really, could go either way.

5. Matthew Rolston is such a creep!

I don't care that he looks like Mayor Quimby, I care that he told girls about their flaws in symmetry to their faces:

The worst kind of perfectionist is that whose perfectionism is at risk of offending the self-esteem of others. Maybe this was time-saving for him (instead of surveying the group and then consulting with the make-up artist, he got right in there and skipped a step), but I really think he should get a blog or something. It's 2010. The Internet is where you do that shit, unless you're Joan Rivers or whatever.

6. Best editing of the episode: Chelsey says, "Kacey is definitely very confusing to all of us" accompanied by Kacey doing this:

Maybe Kacey wouldn't be so confusing if she weren't so confused, and maybe she wouldn't be so confused if she would read the news. Bed bugs are now something that comes along with the territory of existence. Again, I'll remind you all: it's 2010.

7. But how 'bout that fight, huh?

Lame. Casting week bullshit? That was like a million years ago. They were different people then, if you consider that which makes a person to be related to what's woven into that person's hair (you do). Still, I did appreciate Lexie's bluntness: "I have consistently not liked you since casting week, so..." At least there's no passive aggression to get annoyed by. Can't wait to see how this all pans out and whether or not it involves broken skin and teeth!

8. This week's digital art revision.

From here:

To here:

Am I right or am I right? And by the way, you should listen to that Coro song (and don't make Coro's mistake of showing up to your freestyle reunion show without a spotlight, please).

9. You know what I want a ban on? People on reality TV saying, "I want to win this competition probably more than the other girls," a la Liz.

If you're egocentric enough to make that claim, you aren't possibly empathic enough to support it. Maybe Liz needs to more than everyone else because of her kid and not leaving her kid for no reason and blah blah blah, but I think if you asked her the question at the heart of this -- not "How's it feel to want?" but "How's it feel to feel what others want?" -- she probably wouldn't know what the fuck you were even talking about.

10. Times, they are a-changin'!

In my day, inviting male models over meant a resulting orgy and remorse that led to tearful confessions and men adopting a falsetto to shriek things like, "You had sex!?!?" Inviting guys over, staying segregated and then having them leave was just awkward. This show clearly ain't what it used to be and this proves it!

And that's it! What an uneventful episode! Seriously this was a highlight:

All right, carrot cake's done, recap's over. I hope your week is full of being given total moments. But above all this, I wish you grammar.

Comments

[Hannah]

Ugh that cake thing confused me so much! I was waiting for the punchline to the end of that obvious finger-lickig skit and it never came?!
And there was absolutely nothing wrong with Rihanna's photo whereas Liz's was the kind of thing that usually gives Tyra an excuse to go on about doo-doo face all over again. Eww.

[kittenpaw]

I felt like Tyra was eating the cake to prove that she is not starving herself (even though she is way thinner than when she did that "Kiss my fat ass!" rant).

[Butta]

Is it just me, or do the girls seem like the least-appealing bunch ever? Like Rich said, even the ones that are supposed to be conventionally hot fall flat for some reason. Maybe I've just been watching ANTM for too long? I mean, there's always one girl in the pack who is unusual-beautiful, but all of these girls seem just below that catagory.

[Rerchel]

The elimination order was ridiculous, but I guess that what ANTM is all about.

[Liz]

I don't get the love about Chris's photo. It looked like she had a headache and was being harassed.

[ellen]

Oh Rich. Please make a gif out of Tyra's cheap spidey mask of horror.

http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2010/10/01/2010-10-01_tyra_banks_wears_fishnet_mask_to_vogue_masquerade_party.html

[Mer]

I want to know why Kayla wasn't called much, much sooner. I thought her picture was better than most.

[Kat]

I found it ironic that Chris had such a reaction to roller-coasters. She lives in Arlington, TX, the home of Six Flags over Texas. That is practically the only thing there. I guess she was the kid on school trips who hung out with the chaperones and never went on any of the rides.

[Erika]

Those job possibilities for Kayla and her cherry hair were DEAD ON. Hysterical!

[beerz]

i am so happy u got chelsey on the coaster, all of the sudden her casper reference from the 1st photoshoot makes so much sense. Maybe it wasn't her pale skin as much as it was the demon living inside of her.

[A.P.]

Oh my god, great call on Rolston's doppleganger status on Mayor Quimby

Love it!

[Vanessa M]

Male models come over and no one cheats on their boyfriend? No formerly socially awkward "But I'm EuroPEan" wallflower gets drunk and slobbers on one and her sorta lesbigay bubble bath bff has to intercede? Instead we get middle school dance segregation? What bullshit is this?

Seriously what was the deal with that cake? I was really confused by that scene. Maybe it was supposed to be funny. Tyra's sense of humor is a little underdeveloped after all.

I loved during the judging that first Tyra confirms Chelsie reminds her of Nicole Paige Brooks too. Then, tells the poor girl with the anime hair she can be a cartoon...or a country singer. Random?

(This American Life also reran your episode this weekend.)

[MOn]

did you notice how crappy was the tea Tyra prepared for the Ladies? she took a nice china tea set, and just put the tea bags inside the cups, instead of using the teapot. that looked like her very first tea in her life!

[Kevin Babbles]

"Chelsey's secret is that she sleeps with a night light...and is host to a demonic presence."

I appreciate the throwback reference. What I wouldn't give for the silly drama of Nik and Jayla. Or even another energy drink fiasco.

[bvann]

I also thought Tyras eating was gonna end in a joke. Then she just left. To purge? What?

[Golden J]

Who is the male model on the far left of the pic you posted? He looked like a hot, buffer Robin Thicke, and I liked it.

[trick please]

and I will always love you too Rich, for all the wonderful recaps

[AK]

Has anyone else noticed how the octopus tentacle appears to be growing out of Kacey's palm?

[Elise]

I thought Rolston's creepy 'evaluation' of the girls pre-photo shoot was going to be some kind of challenge. Like... testing their endurance for super harsh criticism of their looks? Turns out, he's just a raging creepster asshole. And god bless that beautiful gizzard A.T.L. and his flowing, silken robes. He looks like a cross between a geisha and Lucius Malfoy.

[Michelle]

It gave me a total moment of young Ira Glass when I heard you (serendipitously! unexpectedly! nice nice nice!) on This American Life this week... FABULOUS piece, Rich! Uber-kudos! You just go on bein' a little bad boy! ;)

[slaghoople]

This recap made me laugh even more than usual, so yay for you! But what the hell is a MagaLINE?
Is that when Tyra changes what a website is called so she can pretend she invented it or something? Or does she think she now has the power to invent words and make them real since, god help us, smize seems to have caught on?

[Pure Cleanse]

Im an attractive girl, in shape, smart, and funny. But I always get placed into the friend zone with guys i meet.

[Pure Cleanse]

Why the hell is she weeping..? Even I feel like weeping seeing her face.

[Scott Free in 4-D]

"Chelsey's secret is that she sleeps with a night light...and is host to a demonic presence." I love it when you call back to previous seas---er, cycle. I can barely stand this show anymore, but your recaps keep me coming back for more. You know we were all waiting for the "Tyra hungry!" .gif wall.

MOn - you mentioned how crappy Tyra's tea was. I thought the exact same thing when I saw the damn tea bags. All I could think was "Bitch, you've travelled the world, you run this TV show, and you can't even make a proper tea." She's such a disgrace.

[anna]

i hated all the photos this week. but i did like your reference to the "secret" of using a night light. :)