I don't like semen on my reality show

When Tyra announced that Esther would be staying, thus Kendal would be going, Kendal shot Chris a look like...

..."First of all, I didn't know she was a bitch." In more ways than one, Kendal was a classic beauty. She will be missed.

Of course, Chris' wordless reply was equally rich with subtext...

This gif has 28 frames, and a picture is worth 1,000 words, meaning that this should technically be worth 28,000. Only two really strike me, though: constipation frustration.

52. Kayla

She was gay and didn't have a bed (which, in retrospect, probably only made being gay harder), but now she's going to hand a trophy to someone who's been inevitably already rewarded many times over with riches and fame and fan letters and fuck tweets. Apparently, all of this is to say: it gets better.

53. Liz

Maybe you've noticed, maybe you haven't, but I've been trying to limit my use of the word "bitch." I don't ever want to be mistaken as a misogynist or a hypocrite, and certainly I don't want to use the term casually, as a synonym for "woman." With that in mind, I have one thing to say about Liz crying after losing the aforementioned NON-PRIZE (it's really more of a hassle than anything), and Liz in general for that matter: THIS BITCH.

54. Kendal

Next time, learn how to pose like Vera Wang better. Start with emulating dry wall and work your way up. Won't be easy.

55. Chris

Sometimes plaster of Paris just ain't enough.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

On Esther's picture...

"You have the most stunning bone structure, but if you look at your close-up, you've lost it by being too lax with your face. So it's just like this...

...And if you're playing a man, you want to bite down on your jaw and you want to do things to exaggerate the bones in your face. It looks kind of like a handsome guy, but he doesn't look as handsome as you are beautiful."

First of all, since when is it a requirement that a model should look as good in the opposite gender as you do your own? Secondly, "exaggerate the bones in your face," is my new favorite command. I'm thinking of having a child just so I could TORTURE him or her with that directive. He/she will never get the hang of it, I just know it and I can't wait. Thirdly, "bite down on your jaw" is actually old-school ANTM advice -- Nigel gave it to someone in a cycle before I started recapping this show (back when Tyra would ride in on a dodo bird!). It's good advice -- if there's anyone who knows about attempting to look like you have a penis, it's Nigel.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"When you come to Top Model, it's not just fun and games and dressing up. It's about knowing designers, photographers, hair dressers, make-up artists. There's a big chance that the girl that goes home today is going home because she didn't know who the designer was."

When you go to the circus, it's not just elephants and weirdos in spandex, yet that's what everyone remembers. She does make a good point, though -- just like "clench your jaw to look more masculine" is a rule, so is "know things about fashion." The girls who don't are either horribly prepared, just dumb or horribly prepared because they have no sense of what preparation is on account of their dumbness. Or they're too busy watching the Grammys on VHS in homeless shelters while breastfeeding. And boo hoo hoo, there are no accessible libraries in Japan, either.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"You're like a new colt that is ready to run. Your legs are wobbly, you're unsure of yourself, and you continue to fall down in the hay."

I thought the analogy was working really well until she got to the hay, but then I just mistyped that as "gay," and the metaphor breathed new life.

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

"I recommend that next week at judging you wear your hair in a ponytail, so we can see your bone structure and we can see something else."

Anything pony-related would also make the hay metaphor sing. Just something to think about when you're trying to make sense of or for Tyra.

Tyraism of the Week No. 5

"And what you need is somebody in your hometown that can say, 'Kendal! No! Gimme energy in that face!' And you ask them, 'Take pictures of me, just make me get out of this shell. Make me push through.' Do you have somebody like that at home? In your family? Your sisters? So can you tell your sisters, 'I need you to take pictures of me'? Have your sisters be hard on you. OK! Thanks!"

First a general point: I don't know if you noticed, but the last six or so minutes of this episode was an uninterrupted monologue from Tyra. I know that this show is a stage for such monolouges, but her babble was truly exceptional this week. It's as though she hadn't talked to anyone in a few days and/or was on coke. Something tells me that Tyra doesn't need shunning or narcotics to be insufferable, though.

And now, the specifics: I could listen to her say, "Kendal! No!" all day long. Everyone's a horse to Tyra lately. I love that after this, in her exit interview, Kendal reiterated this advice and concluded with, "I just don't know what I'm gonna do." That's because this is horrible advice and obviously not even worth attempting. Have somebody be hard on you? Why don't you just hire a dominatrix so you could possibly sexually climax while you're at it?

The best thing about this, though is the opportunity for face-making that it offered:

She always knows just the right thing to mug.

And speaking of which...

...that's what you call a French air-kiss. It's with tongue, see. Alternately:

That cuts right to the chase. I hate to present overly complicated inanity.

Talley Tally, who's up?

On Liz's picture...

"You absolutely caught the essence of his body gestures, and the subtlety of that whole theatricality! You look like a man!"

Typically, subtlety and theatricality aren't two concepts that are considered to exist in tandem. This, however, is no ordinary universe we're examining, though. Here, you can tell a woman who's striving to be essentially a symbol of femininity, "You look like a man," and she'll take it as a compliment.

On Chris' picture...

"For me it doesn't work. I think you're fabulous, and I love that you're leaping, but for me, it's not my favorite pho-toh!"

This definitely proves that you need not support your opinion as long as you emphasize your syllables in confusing ways.

On Ann:

"There's a superpower that Ann has that is propelling her forward."

Flying? Is the superpower flying?

These comments, by the way, while more numerous than usual are still a long way away from the new linguistic ground ALT's was breaking almost every episode of last cycle. He just hasn't been up to snuff for this one. About this, I'm very emotional. I can't help but wonder if he's getting the Paulina edit. I heard from a few girls from past cycles that she was great: funny, animated, and of all things, possessing helpful advice. But we saw virtually none of that by the time she made it to air. Could it be that ALT's shine is threatening to overpower everyone else's and thus he must be reeled back in? Or is it just that he sucks now? Inquiring minds...

1. Oh god, this shoot.

Maybe this was the best of a group of very bad pictures. Certainly, it was the most mind-bending -- since John Galliano is essentially a drag king, Liz was a woman imitating a man imitating a woman imitating a man. I don't know if Shakespeare could even think of something so convoluted with such a potential for misplaced genitalia.

I love that Nigel called this "actually quite subtle." Subtle, like how?

It's about as subtle as a strap-on.

Maybe the most overpraised photo in the history. Of. America's. Next. Top. Model? The more Kayla looks like Robyn, the more my stomach turns. Her lips are parted just enough to emit a "derp" and she isn't smizing well. For the love of Lord Tyra and all the nonsense words she devised, Kayla isn't smizing well!

Esther = Dave Navarro + Trent Reznor + Prince's twinkle toes.

I think it was Esther (although it may have been Jane) about whom Nigel said, "I see you so much, but at the same time it looks like you're in costume. And I can't get past that."

You know what? Don't then. Don't get past someone who's wearing a costume looking like she is. Let's just all accept the fact that these women looked fucking ridiculous (painted on stubble!) and that fashion designers are fashion designers and not models for a reason. Jesus!

This looks like the cover of Vanity Not Fair.

And then there is Ann.

I love how bland butch she is. She has a compost outback that she uses to pick up chicks. She is supremely Sears Portrait in this shot and that is why I love her the most.

It's a very versatile look.

Seriously, ever so much.

2. By the way, the Ann Breakdown Watch is still in effect. Here she is learning that she did not receive the top photo of the week for the first time all cycle:

I think she handled it well. I was expecting her to at least bite herself when her streak broke. And no matter what, she'll always have "BEYOND!"

Beyond, indeed. This cycle could be subtitled Beyond the Valley of the Never-Vixens.

3.

Alternate name for this building: Boring Boring.

This guy (whose name I forget, but whom I'm referring to as Mr. Grammy in my head) couldn't be prouder if that trophy came from his ass.

4. Did I mention that Liz is such an asshole? After losing out on the opportunity to give some an award and take a week to meditate in preparation for it (because, apparently, her schedule would allow that, but not a work-intensive activity like flipping through a fucking fashion magazine), she threw a fit that involved getting drunk (and totally tickle-dykey)...

...and it was at this point that I knew she'd be sticking around certainly through this episode, but probably for a while now. This show hasn't seen a drunk drama queen trainwreck of such tragic levels since Janice Dickinson was on this show.

At least this gave Chelsey a chance to look more adorable than she ever has:

This is going to sound weird if you don't know what I'm talking about, but there's something about the process of oral care that makes people more attractive. I don't know if it's that the way you must hold your face for it is just particularly flattering or what, but you can get some really great angles as a byproduct of looking after your teeth. If you don't believe me, go swish some mouthwash right now and try not to masturbate, you gorgeous-faced thing, you.

Oh, but about Liz, I loved Kayla's open disdain for her requested Grammy garb ("something that’s extremely tight and all of a sudden is just huge at the bottom, just poofy and long and drags").

Kayla may not be my favorite model, but she's pretty much my favorite person of the cycle. Arguably on this show, those elements are equal (one in the same, even), so no matter how much she looks like Robyn, I'm rooting for her.

5. Man, Jay Manuel needs to get a clamp installed on his face.

I can't even decide what his most annoying comment was. Was it when he said Chris looked like a stripper?

Was it when he called out Chelsey for attempting to make an unworkable outfit (10 sizes too big!) work?

In any other situation, Chelsey would be advised to hold or twist or stuff up her crotch an over-sized dress to make it look better and sell it properly. I feel like he spotted weakness and went in for it, like a fucking bully. He's nearing super-early ANTM levels of antagonism lately. Loathsome.

Oh, and why the fuck was Ann's mistaking Chelsey as a size 12 never explained? Is Ann's brain made of compost, too? What the fuck was that?

The final option for the most teeth-grinding Jay moment of the week? "I know John." He's referring to Galliano for no reason other than to tell us that he knows him. See also: the panel later agreeing that Marc Jacobs is such a "chill" dude. You know, you can name drop these people all you want, but the fact that they work in the fashion world and haven't appeared on your show about that world is THEY DON'T LIKE YOU. Stop bragging.

6. Well, it only took seven episodes, but at last the Girl With the Thing has been revealed:

Esther's the girl, Judaism is the thing. How exciting!

I'm gonna pretend that in the picture below, Liz is eating a hot dog on a stick and that it purposely isn't kosher. Just, y'know, to be an asshole.

7. Here's a one-man Pretty Party starring Francesco Carrozzini (non-ironic edition):

He is, of course, better seen than heard (sample quote: "It’s important that these girls open magazines and see things"), but that's fine. Everyone has their role.

This concludes this week's one-man Pretty Party.

8.

They really are exposing the girls to some leches this cycle, huh?

9. So that's it for this week!

Don't act shocked! God, haven't I done enough? How much more must I push myself, Dad? Don't make me sing Tori Amos, because I fucking will. And you don't want that.

(Sometimes I call Tyra "Dad" in my head and I don't know why.)

Anyway, until next time be sure to...

...rock out with your cloak out.

Comments

[Mon]

I love Ann's sears portraits. especialy the one as the father of a psycho family

[MJ McStabby]

Liz is such a hosebeast! Gaw! Hate her. Still love Ann, Kayla, and Esther. Don't let me down, girls! Or if you do, do it with FLARE.

[moss]

I thought I was the only one who noticed how hot I am when I am brushing my teeth. Maybe it's time to start flossing in public. Fame and riches will surely follow.

[Daisy]

Oh I don't get Ann in the slightest ... Jane I have great hopes for - girl is lush. Also have great hopes for more Janice-style behaviour from Liz. BRING BACK JANICE! SHE WOULD EAT ALT ALIVE! (Quite possibly literally)

[Marlo]

When I saw ALT stick his tongue out, my immediate thought was "I can't wait to see what Rich has to say about that!"

[A.P.]

Esther isn't just the girl with the Judaism 'thing', she's the girl with with ginormic boobs thing. That was her, right? The editors havn't lingered on that too much, I guess the next time it comes up she'll be kicked off.

[N/A]

I agree with Mon; Ann's Sears portraits were genius.

Of course as soon as I saw ALT's gif; I was thinking god help everyone if I have a dream of him licking pussy...

but then you had three pics of the prettiest photographer this show has ever had (it took 15 cycles for someone to dethrone Michael Rosenthal). Francesco can butcher the language all he wants as long as he does it with his shirt off

[YC]

I feel like a huge loser for getting so emotional over something so stupid, but I got so angry when the judges kept harping on Jane for apparently being ignorant about designers and the fashion industry when it was never mentioned (I believe) that she didn't know who Marc Jacobs was, and Liz had never heard of John Galliano. Not being able to impersonate another person doesn't mean you've never heard of him/her! GAH. So basically, I agree--this shoot was awful and dumb.

[Pete]

That gorgeous photographer's mother is the editor in chief of Vogue Italia.

Also that stylist lady looks unnervingly like Angelica Huston in The Witches about to eat a child....

[Margaret]

Liz as Galliano makes me feel like both the dudes from Road to El Dorado were smushed into one person. With a dash of Captain Jack Sparrow.
http://www.videodetective.com/photos/338/014206_8.jpg

[Vanessa M]

I fear they are setting Ann up for some epic breakdown so it's starting to make my stomach hurt when they showcase her having a disproportionate sad over disappointing Tyra or not getting called first.

I pretty much could cut and paste my complaints about Tyra's nonsensical advice but it was kind of epicly bad this week, no? Even worse, poor Kendall tried to earnestly process the nonsense, failed and declared herself a failure for it.

Does it seem fair that some girls got no brainers like Caroline Herrara and some had to do drag? Really, shouldn't they all have been in drag or all have been posing as female designers? And how the fuck do you pose as Vera Wang?

[Contagiousness]

what about the you are the Verb, Model not Mo-del.

otherwise great!

[Val]

Chelsey as Caroline Herrara looks like CC from "The Nanny" http://www.niles-and-cc.com/Bilder/cc-5_b.jpg

[Mary]

This was such a good post. And I LOVED Francesco! They need him every other episode, or so. But yes, silent. Though his accent was at least adorable.

And even though Liz does annoy the crap out of me, I kind of want to do her. And I'm a straight girl. Color me confused.

[Golden J]

Francesco Carrozzini is going to haunt my dreams.

[InvestigatoryJournalist]

The Ann catalogue photos slayed me

[Dina]

Vanessa, I always hate when they set up shoots where the styling is so disparate because jackasses like Liz just have to walk on set to "nail" the image, while Jane, Esther and Kendal get three people who don't either look like circus clowns or Carolina Herrera and get raked over the coals.

I feel pretty confident that both Jane and Kendal knew who Marc Jacobs and Vera Wang are but how do they embody "middle-aged rich person with no distinguishable characteristics?" Well, they do it poorly then get told to learn who their designer is.

Also, if they're going to dress up long-haired women like short-haired men...at least be assed to properly style them. Both Ann and Jane had their hair bunned up on the back of their head with the wig plopped on top. How are they supposed to model through that.

[Soley Iceland]

great recap as usual!

A tad off topic but I'm bursting for some clarification:

when the cycle started it was all about "THE COVER OF VOGUE ITALIA" and lately i've noticed that during the prizes monologue tyra has reduced it to "a spread in vogue italia, and the cover and additional spread in beauty in vogue"

so it's not the cover of vogue, but just some side pamphlet??
can anyone elaborate?

[Maya]

It was definitely Esther about whom Nigel said "I see you so much, but at the same time it looks like you're in costume. And I can't get past that." In the grand ANTM tradition of head-exploding contradictory critiques from the judges, this was followed up by Francesco Carrozzini telling Esther that when she plays a role, even though she is pretending to be someone else she can't lose herself.

[KK]

I think that Liz's look in the photo shoot is Captain Jack Sparrow + V for Vendetta.

[PJ]

I thought that Ann said the reason she chose Chelsea's dress was because it was the only thing she could find that was long, flowy, and black - which is what Chelsea wanted.

[Kev]

Esther on set this week = Adam Lavine

[adam]

Val = comment ftw! But any The Nanny reference is fine by me...
My main gripe this week was the horribly nonsensical "girl who's going home quite possibly because she didn't know who her designer is" comment directed to girls who (as Vanessa and Dina pointed out above) were given objectively harder to portray designers and then moments later, we find Liz being (undeservedly) praised to the heavens and winning (can't remember if she did because who cares) the top digital art fotoblahbleeblah despite saying, multiple times, that she doesn't know who John Galiano is. So yeah, what everyone else said: I agree! And I know that trying to find logic or coherence in this show is a worthless pursuit but I can't help it.
Rich, I don't know how you're managing to recap these ... I feel like this is the most boring cycle in the history. of. America's. next. top. model. But bless your heart anyway...

[Bethany]

Awesome! I'm surprised you didn't mention Tyra's little anecdote about her posing naked with Nigel as photographer though. :P

[Krista]

Ann looks like like Eminem in that picture!! Why am I the only one to notice that?