I'll never get over ANTM getting over me

Upon elimination, Kacey said, "This just sucks so bad, man. It's so bad. I feel so defeated, just so drained out, like... How do you go home after this? I'm never gonna get over this." So just in case you're hating life on this Tuesday, just listen to this and think about how it could be worse. You could be this upset. You could care this much about Tyra Banks' opinion of you. But you don't. Reality cures.

47. Ann

"I actually do feel like I’m a model. I’m not just the gangly girl that sits in the back of class. I really do feel pretty right now, so I’m happy here," says Ann...while weeping. In related news, the Ann breakdown countdown enters its second week:

We're watching a ticking time bomb, I tell you.

48. Kacey

Premature tears...

49. Kacey

...weren't so premature after all. She took this so hard, the top of her head seemed to be frowning.

Like, really...

...really hard...

Instead of uplifted, now I'm feeling depressed. How the hell did that happen?

50. Kayla

"So much of modeling is being in pain," Tyra explained to a spared Kayla. In that respect, Kacey is a model model, no? Is she leaving because she's filled her pain quota?

51. Kacey

And, I mean, it seems like a dramatic display, but when you think about it, living with the desgination of "ANTM reject" really does seem like a scourge on your life.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"I think you guys are soooo confused about modeling being about you and it's about what's there, and it's about feeling the pain, complaining between the shots to yourself."

Oh, I wonder why they're confused about what modeling is about and what role egocentricity should play in it. Could it be because they are encouraged to express outwardly and constantly what's going on inside, whether it's though interpersonal reactions, confessionals or interviews? Could it be that the reality TV-making process is getting in the way of what modeling is about? I know it's a completely foreign, never examined idea, but I feel as though I just might be onto something...

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"And so you need to bring ahhh...

...that thing to your photos."

In it for the gif (yeah, you know me!), but especially because of the nostalgia within...

It's back, guys...

...in a big way. Seeing the vertical smile of Tyra's vagina arm is like seeing the smile of an old friend. I look at it and I want to make like a Tiffany album title and hold an hold friend's vagina arm.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"The next name that I'm going to call is [Liz]...come on, girl. Come on, Liz. Do the walk for me, just kind of do it. Do the crazy walk. Yeah, yeah that's what it was! I don't know what that was! And we don't want to see it ever again."

You know, the "do as I say not as I do" credo is hypocritical but "do as I say not as I mug" sentiment brings that so over the top and make everyone look so stupid that it's almost tolerable, if only as an exposure device. That's Tyra for you: using others' material to simultaneously entertain and condemn...

...it's kind of what this competition is all about, really.

Guys, André is back, and he's better than ever! And by "better," obviously I mean worse!

On Esther's picture...

"I see the belt, I see the dress, the bag, the glasses, the boot, the bracelet. There's a lot to buy in there. That means it's a great fashion picture."

I hear a lot of what Tyra previously said about Kendal's shot. That means it's a terrible fashion critique. Also, couldn't all that shit mean mostly that the stylist just has no self-control?

I see the muumuu, I see the chemical peel, I see the back-scratcher, I see the probable manicure, I see the haircut that would probably cost $12 in my hood but that he undoubtedly paid no less than $300 for. It's a great fashion picture!

On Kayla's picture:

"For me it works. And it's sort of like, uh, Kate Moss' best friend just leaving the great Armani Emporium."

I'm as sure that he doesn't say "Armani" but instead something I'm not familiar with (what do I know about fashion?) as I am that "Kate Moss' best friend" is about as unspecific as imagery gets. What could that possibly conjure? Coke friends? Starve partners?

On Ann's shot...

"Ann, uh, one hand on the hip wouldn't work, but on you it works. She's got control. I mean, she has control of the universe!"

I know that Ann is the Second Coming and all, but let's not go overboard. It's not like she's She-Ra.

On Ann's solo shot...

"Beyond! Ugh! Beyond anything ever...that you've done."

I was really disappointed that he added the "that you've done" qualifier. Up until then, it was beyond anything ever...that he's said. Does that count as irony?

On Chelsey...

"Chelsey consistently gives me the luck of the draw of a society heiress who wants to be a model...struggling."

An old trick for a new episode: Talley's just saying words here. But he does it so well that he should be a model for everyone else who dare speak. There is a knowing example here. This is how you struggle.

1. I don't even know where to start. Everything seems so minor. It's like choosing between what ant to kill with the magnifying glass first. It'll all be spasming involuntarily and then out of sight and out of mind soon enough. Just like a gif.

When you're done being mesmerized by Esther's head returning to the same spot, despite the almost nauseatingly busy background, we will resume on WalMart.

If anyone would like to steal such a street sign for me, I have a big, wet kiss to trade for it. Because, apparently, at almost 32 years of age, I am becoming a person who covets street signs and wants them as decoration. Who's go the air freshener for huffing?

While there is at least one emphatic enthusiast of WalMart in the group, ahem...

...probably because it's the one place that she'll be able to find something to stop her hair from the Ellen Burstyn-in-Requiem for a Dream spiral that it's already on...

...(seriously, if this one shouted at you, "I'm gonna be on TV!" on the subway, would you believe her?), some of Chris' peers aren't as gaga for WalMart. Liz is annoying in ways that involve fetishizing her own hardship, spitting as a matter of course and not getting the commercial endorsement of a product requires fakeness and if you don't do at that way and lose a challenge as a result, it is you who did it wrong, not the fake-ass who won. However, the girl does know how to react to news that her prize will consist of a CoverGirl shopping spree:

That's the perfect amount of sarcastic glee. She should be spokesmodel for the concept of underwhelming.

"Don't take everything off the shelves!" said Nigel, even though that is exactly what you are allowed to do on a spree, especially when the spree starts and ends at cheap makeup. Who is he, their cheap-ass aunt, who typically goes into store chanting, "One thing, one thing, one thing," like she's stuck on a bead in the rosary of thrift? You know, dip into the collection box of Our Lady of Smoky Eyes and let the girls have their cheap shit that they have to pretend like they're enjoying anyway. Fuckers.

2. I might be poisoned after Gilles Bensimon I don't know how many cycles ago finally showed his face, but more importantly, his semen as he shot the girls in multiple ways. The point is that I'm now suspicious of any older gentleman photographer -- I automatically consider him a perv. In this respect, Patrick Demarchelier did not disappoint.

He's gummy, his tongue is loose and his origins are dubious.

What's not to be utterly unnerved by? At least he was around to help ANTM make history yet again. Any more prestige and I'm going to start confusing this show with the Pulitzer Prize awards ceremony.

3.

"This is all that he wanted: walk up and down the street, have a good time, laugh, giggle...I do that when I wake up!"

FIle Chris' words under: more things that will make me confuse this show with the Pulitzer Prize luncheon.

4.

"It felt kinda cool, like, they take a picture of you. Like, OK, they takin' pictures of me."

Ditto.

5.

This makes Ann sound like a Mohican. Or, I don't know, a Wookie. Maybe if Mohicans and Wookies were to mate, they would make something like Ann. The depth of her voice suggest as much. And she does have that lumbering walk:

The way that panel regards Ann's pictures is the same way that I regard her behavior: basically, she can do no wrong. I love to watch her sulk around food:

(Add this to the bacon sandwich of Week 1 and last week's ramen of remorse, and you have a kitchen nightmare. It's somewhat reassuring that she could probably trade Tyra for Gordon Ramsay if she wants to keep her reality career alive. In fact, can we trade Tyra for Gordon Ramsay, regardless?)

All this is to say that its a joke that Nigel told Ann, "Where you’re lucky is that a still camera captures just one moment, but you’re gonna also need to do commercials and you’re gonna be seen in public. So, as photographic as you are, you also want your public to love ya. So try and work it out." Her public does love her, even at 30 frames a second.

6. I started really coming around on Jane this week:

I don't know if it's the '60s thing that looks like footsteps to Beyond the Valley of the Dolls or what, but she might be my new favorite (after Lord Tyra's gift to reality TV, Ann). Certainly, her public nose-picking (or near-nose-picking -- close enough!) was enough to get my pulse going:

I just find that really inspiring. It makes me feel less alone. It is my own private It Gets Better video.

7. And here's my It Gets Worse:

If I saw someone actually dressed in public like that, I would think "asshole." I don't care how little I know about fashion -- the day that Paula Poundstone becomes someone to emulate is the day that I become entirely correct about clothes and take my post as editorial-in-chief of Vogue.

Here's an instance of fake real life imitating a fake YouTube video. The fakes cancel each other out and leave me amazed. After Patrick's suggestion, Tyra said, "I hear she's a bitch." It's funny 'cause it's true.

Blah, that's it. Short one this week. My inspiration is feeling a little under the weather. While I decide whether to buy it some ginger ale or an umbrella get out of here...

And I say that with the same creepy, sadistic smile as her. This concludes this CoverGirl moment!

 

Comments

[Lauren]

So Done With Ann! The only good shot was her beauty this week, YET she wins again. It's too bad I know they are doing this to set up for that monster breakdown... for Ann, this is going to be out of left field.

Ester kinda rocked it this week. Loving her!

[I'm just sayin'...]

Cassandra Haircut from cycle whatever was on the season finale of Mad Men!!

[Karen]

I think I'm going to adopt ALT as my life coach.

[DaHalo]

nothing could be more sweeter than the return of the vag arms, though I think they look less squishier this time around.

[Jodie Whalo]

The stank that is Liz is nauseating. Please Tyra-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (oops!), live up to all of the shit-talk that you give Liz and kick her ass to the curb!

[Degen]

So tired of Liz too, Jodie. I'm still pissed that she stayed over Rhianna - not because Rhianna is amazing, but because Liz is worse.

Strangely not tired of Ann, though. She is adorable in her awkward neediness, and when she DOES break down, I hope she's able to pull herself together enough to maybe be the first person ever to get a career out of this show.

[Emikatj]

Everyone loves Ann. I'd love for her to be a spokesmodel. No one can do worse than McKey. Also, notice how Tyra dresses like a man when she's "working" like doing photographs etc. Can't a girl get some validation around here?

Will next week be the week Ann doesn't win? Oh they have me hooked!

[beerz]

The Requiem reference between Chris and Ellen was spot on. LOLZ

[famousamy]

I just find that really inspiring. It makes me feel less alone. It is my own private It Gets Better video.

Laughed so hard at this comment! You're why I'm still watching the show. They should cut you a piece of the profits.

[InvestigatoryJournalist]

"Who is he, their cheap-ass aunt, who typically goes into store chanting, "One thing, one thing, one thing," like she's stuck on a bead in the rosary of thrift? You know, dip into the collection box of Our Lady of Smoky Eyes and let the girls have their cheap shit that they have to pretend like they're enjoying anyway. "

If it weren't for the fact that I'm married, you're not into chicks and probably also not into stalker-esque blog fans, I would marry you for writing that.

[blub]

I too smiled at the It Gets Better commentary, but was the It Gets Worse vision that had me bawling with laughter. This is what being gay means after high school.

[ploetzly]

OMG! i can't believe you didn't say anything about jay's comment to chelsa that she was holding back in the shoot ... he says
"i feel like your holding back, your holding back a little ..." then pints to the male model... "he's giving me .. MANY THINGS"

i am very sure of that!!

[chismism]

ONE of your best ANTM to date.

Tyra would even approve ;)

[AntBee]

So glad you mentioned the bullshit bait & switch Tyra did to Liz. Although I don't like Liz, that was a shitty thing for Tyra to do. She telling her to do it, was all into it, doing it with her, and then pushed her ass on the block and let the ax fall! That burned me up!

[Johanna]

I was laughing out loud, I agree they do need to cut you a share of the profits. Watching the show is okay, but my favorite part is your commentary! :)

(Btw I agree who says don't take too much on a spree?? )

[Dandy Darkly]

Love it.

[nerak]

can we talk about demarchelier's craptastic photography? if they hadn't shown him holding the camera and shooting multiple times i was convinced these pics were by his 19th assistant. i mean i know it's ANTM but sheez i thought they were trying to go legit. pat's not a team player.

[matthew]

The top 4 should be:
-Ann
-Esther
-Jane
-who cares

[kdub]

"Or, I don't know, a Wookie."

Ohhh, I hate myself for this but I can't help it.... It's Wookiee. With two E's.

[Anna]

That last gif came out just in time the for Christmas season, because Tyra looks EXACTLY like The Grinch. And you KNOW she wants to stop Christmas from coming, but how?

[Gail L. DeLashaw]

Just a few observations -
1.it's Italian Vogue. Squeeze out the Cover Girls and let Ann and Kayla fight it out.

2. I am so happy you pointed out the (lack of) styling with Chris's hair. WTF?

3. Ann's walk - she is 6'2 - that is how tall people HAVE TO walk when they are attached to people that are 5'9, the pace is different!

4. Ann's photo - UGLY - not her - he may be world famous but the composition was SHITE. I don't know how she got another top spot. ...and I am a huge fan - - - it was a bad photo.

5. Kayla - they (again) styled her one way and then she was critiqued poorly over it... Uhm, was she supposed to be giving off a fairy princess vibe in that butch outfit? ...as for the shoes not fitting - damn...she couldn't get them off at the end her feet were so swollen - should she suck it up? Yes. Should people booking models know their sizes/measurements or at least have an alternative if something is that extreme - - - NO. THEY ARE ABOVE BEING KIND TO ANIMALS.

6. Shopping Spree - someone should sit these girls down and make them watch Laverne & Shirley. Nigel too...

7. Talley is being nicer this year. Someone reads his own press...

8. Esther - sweet, beautiful young lady - poised, takes nice pictures - she could make some money doing catalog work. I don't think they would ever use her in Italian Vogue - her proportions (boobs down) are too normal and chest - wow - just wait til they do a swimsuit shot and have to pack her into something.

9. Everyone else. BLEH.

That was more than a few. Sorry.

[loopygorilla]

:) this cycle needs CPR to give it some life.

btw where is that straight guy who was forced to watch this show and then came up with those drawings with his nintendo DS, they were hilarious!!! i miss them
specially the lord of the rings rosie porter one lol.....

[JCC]

Esther's walking like an old prospector in that gif.

[mtb]

Isn't one of the prizes the cover shot of Italian Vogue? Isn't it the Italian Designers who refuse to participate in the little ban against morbidly thin models? Gee....i WONDER who is being set up to win? Hmmmm. Ow my head hurts

[Suze]

This is so rando but I just noticed that my one of my favorite ANTM winners/brats Nicole Linkletter now models for Forever21!