Déclassé, hey, goodbye

Hey guys, Liz is gone!



!!!

63. Ann

Given that Ann cries not just at the drop of a hat, but also at the tip and pompom of one, the chances of something being in her eye that isn’t a tear is pretty slim. When in doubt: COUNTS.

64. Ann



“I just don’t want to screw up,” says Ann. If this competition were about refraining from talking about screwing up, she would have failed a long time ago. Do I even need to tell you that the Ann Breakdown Watch enters yet another week?

65. Liz



After revealing to her daughter and, of course, the world that she’d already been on the potty, Liz told a temporarily sympathetic Chelsey, “She’s talkin’ so good!” Shame it doesn’t run in the family, though.

66. Liz



“I can’t see her and I can’t hold her and I can’t touch her,” Liz moaned further about her child in interview. Well, now that Liz is eliminated, she can. Works out for everyone!

67. Liz



The fact that this is the second to last screen shot of Liz crying that I’ll ever post doesn’t make it any more pleasant. GO HOME ALREADY, WOMAN.

68. Chris



Chris’ strong reaction to Liz’s elimination brings her down considerably in my book.

69. Liz



Even though a rendition of “Why Must I Cry” would be the only suitable explanation for this screen shot, Liz was instead explaining, “The only person who could make me happy right now is my daughter.” THEN FUCKING GO ALREADY. Christ. Isn't there a closet with an automatic light somewhere that she can go be impressed by, at least?

Tyraism of the Week. No. 1

“When you get called to go to Paris by your agency, or Milan or London, it is not what you’ve seen on Top Model in the past, which is glamour and fun. That’s not the reality. And because you guys are getting an Italian Vogue spread with IMG, I wanted to have you guys experience what it really is like.”

Those other 14 times? A total lie. Non reality on a reality show. But this right now is the truth because Tyra said so. What’s not to trust?

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

“OK, I know Chelsey it looks like you’re not feeling well, so I want you guys to go back and sit down. It’s just hot in this room.”

What signaled this was:




And:

Tyra Banks: getting things right about obvious social cues since ’03. What a people person. And what a people pleaser! It's boiling in the room and she's still barking orders about sitting fiercely.

What a gal!

I loved Chelsey’s initial reaction to Tyra's directive, by the way:



As someone who knew to come armed with a knowledge of designers and photographers and as the sole person who read their Milan pad for what it was (Tyra Banks’ lesson in what a model apartment is like), Chelsey knows this show well enough to be afraid whenever Tyra changes course and directly addresses what’s going on. I’m shocked that she didn’t cower in a corner like an abused dog the second that Tyra’s voice raised a decibel. Although, comparing these girls to abused dogs is kind of insulting dog abuse,  I realize.

By the way, Chelsey had a few good shocked faces this episode:



Well two. That’s more than I could say for most. This and her utter inability to put up with Liz for another episode put me squarely on Team Chelsey. I think I love this girl now. She knows what’s up.


And it came true, too! The Chelstine Prophecy came true!

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

“I love the sound of your voice. It is so beautiful, I wish my voice was like that. We’ve reached a decision. Have we reached a decision? Sexy lady. OK, we’ve reached a decision.”

Tyra is referring to Margherita Missoni:



And apparently her own bicuriosity. Now Tyra’s the girl with the thing! The girl with the thing is changing every episode. Really, really riveting cycle.

Such a seductress!

And as for ALT...

I would say that this episode was an incandescent return to form.

On Chelsey's shot:

"She's conveying to me a volcanic sultriness under the iceberg of cold, frozen, incandescent beauty. She's hot and she's cold."

At least he's offering a Cliff's Notes to his verbose diatribes (cold and frozen?!?). Doesn't help it make any more sense, but it's encouraging that he understands the concept of simplifying (because until now I really, really didn't think he did).

I love that Nigel praised Chelsey for looking like she was smizing with her eyes closed (you know how they love girls to do the impossible!) and how Tyra frantically emphasized how much Nigel likes eye contact, as though he's been threatening her with violence and White Stag in the event that she should come up short. God, the idea that Tyra isn't hoarding the power here is earth-shattering on a Santa-Claus-isn't-real level.

If you ask me, Chelsey looks like she's telling the handsome, beautiful, big-nosed Italian man about her rosacea. Nothing more, nothing less.

On Ann's shot:

"Incandescent aristocrat, that's what you convey to me. You are the aristocrat that is after Casanova. You've probably had him before."

and

"She's just an incandescent, luminescent aristocratic woman between the legs of Casanova."

OK, Andre, we get it. You studied the I's this week in your vocabulary booster (or, more likely, Mariah Carey's vocabulary booster). It's more impressive if you use a variety of 10-cent words, not just the same one over. Take a (-nother) page from Mariah's book. Serve "nonchalant." Serve "painstakingly." Serve "intrinsic."

On Chris' shot:

"Chris, I think you look like you're afraid that a huge crow is coming into the gondola. I think you look afraid."

Is that crow wearing a cloak? Or does that crow look like this:

The point is: never hold it against someone for looking afraid on this show. It's only natural, always.

On Liz's shot:

"I'm not excited by Liz. I'm not excited by the slutty stance. That's so déclassé!"

and

"It looks like a whole universe up here in her legs and [wordless vocalizing that many grandmother-types reserve for vag-talk]."

Imagine a homosexual not getting excited by a prelude to a smiling snatch. Just imagine!

By the way do you think ALT has sex? I do not. I think he reads erotica no more recent than the turn of the 20th century and I think he strokes his magic wands in hope and remembrance.

1. First of all...

...damn, it smells like ass up in here.

2. I loved the Italy reveal (up to the point where Tyra aired out her fanny). I loved that it required them to ride bikes like Goonies or some shit...

...and that J told them for their next shoot, they had to jump off a bridge.

It's funny because it's plausible...both from a perilous standpoint and a stupid-photo-shoot standpoint.

But you know what was all wrong? When J said, "This is the first time, actually, that we've had a cast house that was on the beach." It doesn't count as the first time on this show unless you qualify with "in the history of America's. Next. Top. Model." That phrase is the Miranda Rights of non-events that this show attempts to make significant.

Similarly, "Tomorrow, you guys are moving onto Milan," is not how you say that. It's, "Pack your bags, y'all, you're going to Milan." Why am I the only one around here who knows how to say things right?

I did, however, like the break in convention that came from giving us moving plane animation:

First time in the history of America's. Next. Top. Model. And it feels so good!

3. And speaking of saying things right and not...

"Instantly, when I hear 'Milan,' I think Mulan, like the movie. So I'm thinking Japan, dragons. Y'know, I don't even know where my mind was at." Thinking this is dumb enough, but recounting it once you've obviously been corrected is even dumber. Get it together, Liz. You have a daughter to inspire and talk good to.

A close runner-up for the dumbest quote of the week was Kayla's, "I could definitely get used to living a fabulous life. I mean, I'm gay, that's what we're used to." Coming from someone who slept in a sleeping back full of cat o' nine tails so that each toss and turn would result in a slight lashing over the wickedness of homosexuality, this makes no sense. I'm guessing production told her to say it. But say Kayla was born with a silver spoon in her vagina: she's still doing it wrong. It's gay guys who are the "fabulous" ones. If you want to get stereotypical about it (and apparently she does), lesbians aren't into fabulous. They like nature and dogs. The closest Kayla should come to the lap of luxury is Tyra's fluttering crotch. And look, there I go, explaining the obvious yet again.

4. And again, speaking of saying things wrong...

...This is wrong. No matter what Chris did, this is wrong. However, it is a wonderful way to describe Andre, particularly in this instance. The irony is fierce!

5. Are you noticing that as Ann continues to develop her persona (that word should probably have quotes around it, given the development) and get comfortable, she's doing worse in this competition? Oh well, if she no longer is the owner of the amazing prize of digital art from her photo shoots, I'll give her digital art based on her general manner:

I know that quoting yourself is disgustingly self-important -- I did it for authenticity's sake.

Meanwhile, Jane's full of fantastically deep character:

Pamphlets. Very, very fascinating.

6.

"If you wanna be a couture girl one day, you have to push through being super uncomfortable and working and owning these garments," says Jay. I've noticed that he often urges the girls to push through, as though this show is a giant sphincter. Just because America's Next Top Model is run by assholes, it doesn't mean that the show is an actual asshole. That would be weird.

7. Kayla says, "I'm not used to birds!"

Does she live in a coal mine? Who in North America isn't used to birds? Maybe it is she who was actually afraid of the crow.

8. And so, in sum, "Oh, here comes a crow."

Just kidding, it's Harry Knowles.

Just kidding, it's Kayla. But she looks like a shrunken, upright Harry Knowles. And I don't like that.

Comments

[stayclassy]

eh, wtf was up with making the women stand around in ridiculous knitwear for the whole of judging this week? it's like they're confusing 'authetic model experience' with 'sadism'.

[Andy S. aka 'O']

LMAO. this was magica, yet again. The fanny/kicking tyra gif had me DYIN'! so did that sound bite, which will soon be a ringtone. I've had to miss the past two week because of a work schedule change, but I'm still loving these!!

[Fuzzy]

I like how Tyra, in typical fashion, told Liz not to change the haircut they gave her, then we had the slideshow of all her photos and she was wearing a wig in nearly every one.

[beerz]

As soon as I saw the "Milan" reveal I was laughing my ass off knowing that you would most likely GIF it. To my pleasant surprise we got two GIF's out of the scene. Your opening GIF (which is my hands down fav. ever cause Ms. Jay's topknot is totally threatening to jump off his head into the water) and the lesser but still hilarious GIf of Tyra airing out her fanny. What the hell was she thinking with that?

ALso did you guys notice that Tyra's hair almost swallowed Liz's face when she gave her final goodbye hug? Seriously u can see Liz's eyes and some of her cheecks and that's about it.

This recap felt short but sweet.

[Mon]

Jane's picture was so much better than Kayla's, who actually looked pretty blah. are they setting up for their first-lesbian-winner-in-the-history-of-America's-Next-Top-Model???

[synonymgirl]

Did you notice that at the end of the Antm15_9_chelsey_sick gif Ann turns away and smiles as Chelsey looks like she's starting to go down? More to Ann than I thought...

[Sally]

I don't know if this is true or not, so I'm totally just being that sensationalist gossiper who is too lazy to Google, BUUUUUT I heard that when contestants are eliminated from reality competitions they don't actually "return home immediately," they just have to go live in a separate house or hotel or whatever until the filming is over, in order to avoid spoilers that would inevitably occur when people photographed or saw them out and about. It actually barely makes sense as I say it now, but it SORT OF does, and if so I feel terrible for even my least favorite contestants: they don't even get to go home but instead move on to some depressing reality TV limbo? Yeesh.

Annnnnnnnnnnyway I love this recap as much as I've loved the rest, just to seem like a sycophant as well as a conspiracy theorist kook. BUT GENUINE!

[matthew]

What is so bad about Jane asking for pamphlets? Isn't that a help if you want to go sight-seeing? Are you anti-sight-seeing Rich? LOL

[matthew]

If that's true Sally, I think that's great! I would love to spend a few extra days in Venice, Milan or Hawaii...maybe not Bangkok or Beijing LOL

[Vanessa M]

Do you think it's just a coincidence that Kayla revealed last week she was squeamish about posing with men and getting sexy with a man was the theme of the very next photo shoot too? God, I hope they wouldn't stoop so low to engineer that.

And, even with my nonsense filter adjusted for the ALT setting, how exactly is Chris' commercial "bombastic"? Want to know something bombastic? The words coming out of ALT's mouth.

[mim]

You're right, Sally. I remember Lauren Utter talking about it -- I believe she and Kat were stuck in a hotel room for the rest of the cycle. Eliminated girls sometimes are brought along overseas and on photo shoots and challenges (i.e. they will walk in the final runway) to avoid revealing the results of the show. The girls all go home at the same time. Unfortunately, Matthew, I don't think they get to do much sight-seeing. Sounds pretty miserable to me.

[Feral Torte]

Norelle and Liz should get some Panda Express and watch Mulan and make it a whole Japanese theme night.

I kinda loved Kayla's nonsensical thing about being accustomed to a fabulous lesbian life because it makes me picture rococco lesbians fondling each other on a canopy bed, and honestly that's the kind of life I could get used to.

[wishinonehand]

Rich, this year you are at the top of my list of things for which I'm thankful. "I think he strokes his magic wands in hope and remembrance" and "Kayla was born with a silver spoon in her vagina" had me laughing so hard I almost choked. Those phrases will be added to my vocabulary post-haste.

[loopygorilla]

LOL Kayla's comment about fabulous life.
yeah i thought she lived in a sleeping bag?..

anyway your right on the $$!

gayelles aka lesbians dont live a fabulous life, its the gay guys that do...

lesbians are like home depot-ish, dont moisturise or exfoliate or wear dresses.

unless they are lipstick lesbians.

gay guys love prada, lesbians love black & decker.

[Leah C.]

I wanted to smash Liz's face in. Mulan is CHINESE, not Japanese! Even when she gets something wrong, it's wrong.

[Sharon]

I can't get over how Tyra's foreshortened arm looks like a turkey leg or a drumstick in the second Tyraism picture. She's working her angles.

Lova ya Rich!

[megan v]

I almost spit out my coffee the moment I read "giant sphincter". You've done it yet again, Rich!!

[kizzle dizzle]

Brilliant as always Rich.
synonymgirl, I think she was smiling because her boob was about to slip a nip. If you watch her she's checking out the position of her top and I think she didn't expect what she saw. But maybe she is an evil lil beeyotch. Hopefully we'll know soon if she is.

[Isabelle]

Did anyone else notice the bulge in Liz's skirt in her panel photo that looks SO MUCH like a boner? That picture is heinous.

[Meg]

Kayla is freakin' ridiculious. Does anyone else think she may not really be gay? Would that not explain her bizarre behavior? I think she was planted there to play some sort of gay victim, which is just plain silly because there have been several gay models on the show that were perfectly ok with modeling with men and not every word out of their mouth had something to do with their sexual orientation.

[gary]

1. chelsey did give liz a hug. i saw it.

2. chris actually looked good sitting fiercely on the runway in knitwear.

3. giant sphincter plus all the talk about "elimination"...?

[Kate]

I think at the end of the Chelsea/Anne GIF, Anne's laughing and looking behind her because it looks like her boob is out... Watch it again. Something is definitely falling down

[kim]

Meg--a friend of mine grew up in Rockford with Kayla. She didn't know her well, but said that she's a Hooters waitress and she was that Hooters-waitress kind of crazy. I'm sure there's some overacting for the cameras and some editing with it, but it seems to be par for the course with Kayla.

[fff]

"I've noticed that he often urges the girls to push through, as though this show is a giant sphincter. Just because America's Next Top Model is run by assholes, it doesn't mean that the show is an actual asshole. That would be weird."

lmao i couldnt stop laughing

[brandoids]

kate, kizzle dizzle: y'all are right! ann is having some sort of wardrobe malfunction! but now watch the gif again with your eye on chelsea: its as if she catches an eyeball full of ann's boobie and then almost passes out! ha ha!!