Reindeer game over

Best screen shot in the history of America's. Next. Top. Model. Y/y?

70. Jane

"This is the first time in the entire competition that I’ve ever seen a truly genuine emotion out of you," said Jay Manuel in response to Jane's crying. She's been around for 10 episodes and we're finally getting to that; he's been around for 15 cycles and we've yet to see a truly genuine emotion from him. What's his excuse?

71. Jane

I love the irony in the supposedly stoic Jane cracking during a photo shoot that requires her to be a statue. She can't do anything right!

72. Jane

Now I feel like she's just milking it. How genuinely human of her!

And now for something genuinely inhuman:

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"And I wonder why I was just a catalog girl that could not book any real editorial. 'Cause I was taking [my portfolio's contents] into my own hands, thinking that I knew best."

Gee, imagine Tyra being a misguided control freak! And also, imagining her booking real editorial at this point, too. Her career really came full circle, eh?

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"In Italy, they say go and sees!"

The girls will find the extra transitional word useful as they make their imminent transition into not modeling. The more you know!

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"I think the shot is absolutely beautiful, but personality is so important! Oh my god! You won't get booked!"

Yeah, except the thing is that Ann did get booked and she was the only one who did. And if Tyra's looking for Jane-style personality through despair, well, maybe Ann can just take her interview chair with her everywhere she goes? It seems to get the waterworks going just fine.

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

"In the modeling industry, to be booked again, you have to be memorable. You have to be vulnerable."

Ann is so vulnerable, she looks like the wind could knock her over, breaking every bone in her body, and she acts like a glance could do the same. And that's really fucking memorable.

And while we're on the subject...

...you know the Ann Breakdown Watch continues, right? Duh!

You don't even need to see her head-on to know that it continues!

Tyraism of the Week No. 5

"The reason why your name was called is because the judges saw some passion today in this room. They saw a human being, and you showed us a crack of a real, true person. But all we see is a crack and a crack is not going to take you to the next week and the next week of this competition. Congratulations, Jane, you're still in the running..."

If crying weren't encouraged, this show wouldn't be this show. But really, the panel never saw a human being in Jane before? What, pray tell, was she doing in every panel before this? Pulling off the limbs of animals? Throwing her feces at them? Photosynthesis?

Also, I love the idea that they were looking at her crack. The panel is so easily distracted by earthly desires!

Not that I'm not:

This made an otherwise dull episode entirely worth it.

And when I say otherwise, I mean it: this week's Talley Tally has but one entry.

On Chris:

"She's just a vat of bubbling, bubbling deliciousness. She could be the next Wanda Sykes. But not a high-fashion model!"

Andre Leon Talley is so gay that he thinks Wanda Sykes is delicious.

Also, comparing someone to Wanda Sykes isn't a compliment. I mean, she's funny! I like her! Yay lesbians! But I get fucked up with the "delicious" thing, and I feel like he's going for a visual description. (Because, what, her comedy is delicious? She has a delicious sense of timing? She carries herself so deliciously, you want to snap her up and eat her, but not in the genital area, obviously?) And because I get a visual vibe, I feel like this is more an insult than not.

But really, what this complete reach in reasoning is leading up to is the opportunity to tell you about this thing I witnessed that was just awful last week. (I alluded to it in a tweet, but will now expand on the pointlessness via my blog. Go ahead and envy my media mastery.) I was in the Starbucks I go to everyday, which is attached to the Marriott Marquis. Some kind of boyishly aging Marriott worker was in there (let's say he was a bell hop, and let's say he was about 40). He informed the woman who'd just made his drink, "You look like Shirley from What's Happening!!" She gave him the side eye in response, which was kind of a Shirley thing to do. But even before that, he was correct, which is the No. 1 reason why he shouldn't have shared that. What an insult! As someone who's been compared to John Malkovich by multiple strangers on multiple coasts of this country, I can say in no uncertain terms: celebrity alone does not make a comparison a compliment. How would you like it if someone said you reminded them of Rocky Dennis ("Not looks wise, just in your gentle manner!")?

Bellhop followed his cluelessness up with, "And [someone else who works at that Starbucks] reminds me of Dee from What's Happening!!" It was at this point that I realized that he had...something going on (red-eye diagnosis: a mild form of a mild form of autism, but perhaps a little bit of racism mixed with stuck-in-the-past-ism as well, since this white guy seems to think all black people are like the ones he saw in a show that stopped airing original episodes in 1979).

The point of the story is: stop saying I look like John Malkovich. I suppose it's karma for five years filled with Photoshopped side-to-side comparisons, but seriously, don't tell me that to my face. Be classy about it and say it behind my back, or better yet, start a blog.

1. Ugh, what a wasted opportunity this episode was!

The fact that Chelsey was the only one to make it to more than one go-and-see just goes to show how difficult the task was. If everyone fails your test, it's either your fault or the test's fault. What happened to hot dudes on mopeds riding the girls around the city? And then riding the girls in their apartment? Ann was supposed to get turned out like Shandi! This was supposed to end with Ann's nonexistent boyfriend squealing, "You had sex!" from overseas! That is how it's supposed to happen in Milan. No fair! No faaaaair!

Really, the go-sees are the chance to see what other people with actual things going on think about these girls. We were robbed. (Not that there were actual fashion houses on the itinerary besides the admittedly huge Versace.)

What did we get?

- Kayla misspeaking in the worst possible way regarding subterrearan transportation:

- A reminder that no matter how loudly the girls yell, "Ann!" when she walks into a room, she's still an outcast:

- And finally, Angelo Azzena, another of the episode's few bright spots.

He did bitchy better than any hack "working models" brought on to rile the girls ("Her look is a little bit...uh...two seasons ago!"), he read the girls with the acuity of someone who was raised on Chelsea Piers...

...and he reminded me of Kool & the Gang...

(I really, really like to think that he meant "fresh" in the Kool & the Gang sense of the word).

Anyway, regarding Angelo Azzena, what's not to love? He's definitely a nice change from the other creepy guests they've been bringing on this season, who are literally leering at the girls (a-hem,Vincenzo Cavicci).

2. Speaking of Vincenzo...

Didn't his work remind you of petrified funnel cake?

3. And speaking of the shoot, why the hell was Nigel so melodramatic this episode?

I could go on and on!

Is there anything more tragic than someone going for the Oscar while they're on reality TV?

4. It's a shame Liz was eliminated last episode only because...

...watching Kayla feed Chris grapes would have given her such a boner, and watching her try to conceal it would have been great fun!

5. Best voice-over edit of the episode (maybe cycle): "Chris is not high fashion" under...

Amen! (Although, Kayla seemed to be saying that Chris was not high fashion because she said, "I'm ready to get this over with," and wasn't devoted enough to this competition, which: WHAT?!?).

6.

"Hey Jane, you're in a relationship, right? [She isn't.] And you know what? It kinda shows!"

Guarantee you the same thing could be said for him! How could someone who'd say something like that be anything but loveless?

"Stop trying to think," is genius, though, in the overused-to-the-point-of-irrelevance Jay Manuel sense of the word.

This looks like music to me. Like, each tap is a different tone that I hear in my head. In other news, I think I might be coming down with a fever.

7. Jane is so pretty...

...but what on earth was up with her interview look this week? Did she see the Ring right before? Is she going to come out of my TV screen if she's eliminated?

8.

"I've got a passion for art," Ann said, passionlessly. Let me guess: she's a huge fan of colored-pencil depictions of Eyore.

The post photo shoot streak of statue makeup in her hair was very I-just-painted-my-dorm-room sexy, though. She's coming out of her shell!

9. Speaking of sexy!

At the right moment, in the right light, this girl is stunning.

I look forward to watching her win this thing.

And with shots like this, she deserves it (for what it's worth). This was also so, so great:

I love when someone's good enough at this show to trick you into thinking you're watching actual skill reveal itself in front of your eyes!

10. I'll miss Chris for two reasons:

She reminded me of Erykah Badu more than I realized. I'd go as far as to call her Badewy.

Also:

She was responsible for wonderful quotes like these:"I wanted to be on top, and this is what I get!" (which: EXACTLY) and, "We come home and this bitch got a Versace jacket!" The latter's almost as good as Kayla pointing out that you could tell it wasn't a knock-off, with a straight face. When given the choice, I'll take unintentional humor over intentional. Kayla wins for a reason.

11. Tyra gif...

...Tyra gif...

...Tyra gif...

...and I'm done. I'm gonna go do exactly what she's doing in the gif above and chomp on some chicken tartare. Jealous? No? What if I said there's a decent chance I'll catch a tapeworm? Now are you jealous?

 

Comments

[Kev]

I THINK its eeyore... <3

[Lars]

You are fresh.

[Dandy Darkly]

At this point there should be an Ann breakdown monitor at the lower corner of the screen, flashing from green to yellow to red.

I thooooooought it was happening during the go-sees, as she sat with her tangled head of wispy hair... but ultimately am happy it didn't because its too easy.

And while I know its coming, seeing more and more of Ann internalize everything makes me wonder if the breakdown will merely be a poignant flash across her eyes and then adieu.

[Molly D.]

A former coworker once got told "with your new haircut you look just like Liza Minelli!" Which, while true... Jesus Christ, people, that is NOT a compliment!

[Mon]

You don't look like John Malkovich!!!
who told you that.

Jane is my fave at htis point of the competition. I know she's not going to win, as she's actually been sleeping in a bed and hasn't been abused as far as we know.

[Maya]

Just one time, I'd like to see a girl on this show who starts studying maps the second she gets to whatever country they go to and then totally smokes the go-see challenge.

Also, someone once told me that with my new haircut, I looked just like Monica Lewinsky.

[Lay]

I died at "photosynthesis?"
RICH you still got it even if you're over it

[KK]

Did anyone else watch the statue photo shoot and think of the Doctor Who episodes with the angel statues that come to life and kill people?

[Vanessa M]

I have the feeling being a contestant on this show is a little like being in a cult or Patty Hearst kidnapping lite. You are kept from your family and familiar surroundings. You are never alone. You must please capricious leaders who hold your fate in their hands. I'm sure at some point, the nonsense just starts to make sense.

Does it seem like some kind of bitch fever is swelling in Kayla? I'm starting to not love her as much.

Once when I was in Trader Joe's, a checkout girl looked up at me and said "Oh! Oh my gosh! You look just like Sharon Stone." I think she meant because of my hair, not because my lady area was in plein air. I know she a crazy bitch these days but I have to say, I was so flattered I shop at that TJ's all the fucking time now.

[Faith]

"Yeah, except the thing is that Ann did get booked and she was the only one who did."

Sometimes, I wonder if you're watching the show with me somehow. I said almost this exact same thing to my husband when we were watching last week. It made no fucking sense that they're pushing personality, personality, personality, and then...they send Chris home. And Ann was the one that got booked on the "go and see".

But that's why I still watch this show, admittedly...the nonsense of it all. ::sigh:: LOVE.

[kiloran]

And I'd bet my liver that Jay would've come out with the same BS speech if Jane had been in a relationship. "It kinda shows. You're holding back because of that." That man is so far up his own ass, he doesn't even need someone else...

[beerz]

There are three things I must note from this episode.

1) Did anyone notice the hint of an evil smile that crossed Tyra's face when Jane started crying at panel. It looked like she was trying to contain it, but it still came through, accompanied by a subtle nodding, like "yes, yes cry and feed me with your tears".

2) Jay told one of the girls he was going to bust them up if they tried to hug him after the shoot. I'm sure any of those girls could take him down if needed.

3) I loved the hilarious impersonations they did of panel when Tyra was "giving tips" on how to put together a portofio...and Tyra, your tips sucked cause they made no sense.

As always a good job from you Rich

[JC]

Oh, God, I get told I look like Ozzy all the time. It's true, I do have long hair and round glasses, but I'm also 30 years younger, have a different color of hair, don't look ravaged by time and drugs, and am about 3 feet taller. Don't get me wrong--I loves me some Sabbath--but seriously people, stop. I miss when I used to get John Lennon, but these damn kids today don't know who that is.

Rich, I'll trade you Ozzy for John Malkovich.

[cella]

Chris = Max
the dog from How the Grinch Stole Christmas

[spazmo]

Unless there's a completely different version of John Malkovich running around somewhere, I just don't see it.

Now there IS a beefy dude with a great smile from a Czech wrestling video that I downloaded a while ago that looks a LOT like you. I would post a link to some screenshots here, but the resemblance is so uncanny, it would likely embarass you...

[Rose]

Seriously, I think that I may be the only one left that love Mr. Jay.

So, I know this is a Reality Show, but I kept thinking, how realistic is it that these girls would be handed a map and told they had to get there by walking and make all 4? If it is 'my job' to get there, I am going to hire a cab and hand them the directions.

[Vicki]

Photosynthesis. Rich, you are a genius. I practically barked out a laugh at that one.

(And FWIW, I find John Malkovich to be super sexy in that weird way of his. ...but I don't think you look like him. You're way cuter & you look less like you might slit my throat.)

[chicka]

Rose, I also love Mr. Jay. I mean, a makeup artist turned self-described photo director turned style-fashion-guru?
Also, I believe there was something genuine when he walked with Kayla after the shoot. He seemed happy that someone else was happy, which I think is a big thing for him.

[stayclassy]

mr jay is being such a massive bitch lately, like, more than normal. i wonder if he is taking illegal hormones to pump up his manbreasts or some shit.

[stayclassy]

...and errr? what? jane is criticised for being 'not human' - but the photo shoot is being a statue? Ann 'won't get booked' - but she is the only one who did get booked? 'personality is so important' - but they kicked chris off? it was opposite week this week alright.

[Jackson]

Yikes, Tyra is totally going for the gspot in the gif above. The question is... whose?

[Hannah]

Ann is not the only one who was booked. Chelsey was booked for one of the "go and sees" she made it to.

[Passing Shot]

apropos of nothing, but Rich, you have some of the funniest COMMENTORS on the planet. Thank you all!

[tf]

Mr. Jay wears such thick pancake makeup and you can see the proof on the tissue as he dabs away the trickle of sweat.
A brief moment of reality on Reality TV:)

[Babsg98]

Huh. I don't see the Malkovich at ALL. We've seen photos and video of you many times, and never, ever, ever has that occurred to me.