Rihanna is pretty

The most important thing to know about every Rihanna album is that she is pretty. Were it not for that, the album simply wouldn't exist. Her public behavior indicates that she is not a particularly interesting person (though interesting things have happened to her). Her voice is not very interesting either, although on her fifth album Loud, she does interesting things with it. Not Diamanda Galás-interesting, but interesting in the way zombies are interesting -- when something that once lay flat gets up and starts doing stuff, it's remarkable. Shaking out of her typical near-monotone, Rihanna actually belts on Loud's first single, "Only Girl (In the World)" (the house track is ironically generic given its title, but even more ironically fantastic, given its repetition of virtually every stompy grindy thing on Top 40 radio today). The girl isn't going to be mistaken for Loleatta Holloway anytime soon, but it's nice to hear someone of her pop stature actually putting effort into selling a track. The exponential entitlement that should stem from the combination of her youth and fame are nowhere to be found during the song's four-minute running time.

On "S&M," she does a sneery, whiny thing during the bridge that reminds me of voice work as an antagonist on a super low-level cartoon (Beverly Hills Teens, maybe?). Still, character is character and for someone who's mostly come off as a walking pair of sunglasses, it feels like she's pushing herself out of her comfort zone. That track, weirdly enough, opens the album. What does it say about the most famously abused woman of her generation to start a new musical statement by extolling the virtues of whips and chains? That she's reclaiming violence for her own? That her attention span is as short as her audience's and there's no connection be drawn? Best not to spend too much time thinking about it -- I'm not convinced that anyone involved did. It's another cheery, cheesy house track and the pairing of music and subject matter makes about as much sense as wearing crotchless panties under a chastity belt.

In one way, "S&M" does provide a fitting intro to the album -- on Loud, nothing is cleverly conceived.  It's a knee-jerk reaction to the notoriously low-selling, cohesive and thrillingly dark Rated R. Loud is bright and all over the place. Marketability is as close to this collection of would-be singles has to a theme (it doesn't even live up to its already vague title half the time!). Loud is is the sound of someone going to the studio, being told what to sing and performing competently. Maybe Rihanna had a say in the material, maybe she didn't -- it barely matters as her primary role here is that of conduit. It may be disappointing that Rihanna should take such a turn for the commercially pigheaded (particularly after coming damn near close to experimental with Rated R's occasional dubstep leaning and overall bleakness), but it is no surprise. She is a celebrity, not an artist, and cannot expected to be the latter, no matter how much it would make sense for her to say something already on her fifth album. The nothingness is almost admirable, in fact -- Rihanna's got a job to do, so she'd be releasing music anyway, and if you don't have something to say, the best thing you can do for the world is not say anything.

Loud's aesthetic varies wildly (from house to coffee house), and so does its quality. For every genre-secure "Only Girl," there are a few middling pop/R&B hybrids openly aiming for the widest audience possible. "Fading" floats in on a sort of gradatory pomp that degrades by the time Rihanna gets to the pre-first whining of the chorus. The pub-not-club out-on-the-town anthem "Cheers (Drink to That)" exists in some kind of Top 40 wasteland where looping Avril Lavigne's Peter Gabriel-outtro-sounding yelping from "I'm With You" throughout the damn thing is a good idea (I can only assume this was a drunken decision to match the theme of the song). The singer-songwritery schlock of "California King Bed" is so cloyingly MOR, it's an almost impossible listen. There's not a song on my iPod that I've had a harder time getting through, and this is coming from someone with a Pia Zadora album in full on his iPod.

At least that song is unintentionally funny -- every time she says, "California ki--" I feel like she's going to say "kitchen," and that makes me think of California Pizza Kitchen. I'd actually buy an ode to a chain restaurant more than whatever fakey relationship she's purporting to rhapsodize. Also curious is that song's line, "How come when I reach out my fingers, it seems like more than distance between us?" She's doing what now with her fingers? "Got my Ray Bans on and I'm feeling hella cool tonight," she says in "Cheers," seemingly unaware of how dorky that sounds.

On the subject of one-liners (which are among the greatest indicators of an ADHD-servicing release's strength), Nicki Minaj provides a decent one, actually. On the needless "Video Phone" retread "Raining Men," which unfortunately has nothing to do with the Weather Girls, save a vague reference, Minaj brags about having her own TV production company (does she, now?), punctuating that with, "Tell Harpo to hit me, Celiie." It's a nuanced and specific Color Purple reference, as well as a hat tip to Oprah the actress and mogul all in one. Legitimately impressive. More groan worthy are Drake's, "The square root of 69 is 8 something right? / 'Cause I've been tryna work it out, oooow!" and especially, "Only thing we have on is the radio." While paraphrasing Mae West in a duet with his supposed ex-girlfriend (his willingness to collaborate with a woman to whom he was a "pawn" makes me wonder if the whole thing was a sham in the first place), Drake's sexuality has never come off more ambiguously. The guy never fails to amaze.

"What's My Name?" is perfect, by the way, this fast slow jam of crocheted hooks that cracks you in the face with its snares and smolders with slowed-down ravey keyboards. Rihanna alternately purrs and demands, exploring a heretofore weirdly neglected side of herself: the sex kitten. That persona is present on the final track, "Skin," and is by far the best of Loud's many looks. Here's hoping she can flesh it out (literally!) on her next release. Every girl needs her janet., and a real sexual awakening would sound so good on her. After all, in addition to being pretty, she is extremely sexy.

Comments

[Lisa]

Rich, I just watched this immediately thought of you.

Jeremy Kyle is like a UK mash-up of Springer/Maury and this is a super=cut of trashy brits saying "at the end of the day" in a variety of hilarious accents.

Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_531bFsrjA&feature=player_embedded

[Willa]

Um - Loving that you rated Rated R, and not this... EVERY frickin' review I've read has prasied this and dissed R...

[K. Rock]

Nobody else I know remembers Beverly Hills Teens...but you. And I don't really know you. It's all kind of sad.

Anyway, the album sucks. I like What's my Name but other than that, booo!!!

[Jason]

I agree. Huge step back from "Rated R." Although on the subject of one-liners, I thought you'd show some love to "It's getting coyote ugly up in here, no Tyra." No Tyra > no homo.

[DonnyB]

So funny that you reference janet. at the end, because Loud's album cover (hair color, expression) makes me think of Velvet Rope, which is closer to Rater R in tone and subject, whereas Loud is actually her All For You, the post-break-up celebration.

[DS3M]

So you think she's a mind controlled MK Ultra Slave also? Good to know I am not alone

[Erika]

Hi Rich, what's your thought on Man Down? I thought the song itself is slightly above average but her accent elevates to AMAZING, and also due to the lyrics 'tell the judge please gimme minimal'.

I disagree with you on Cali King Bed though, but it's probably because I like my ballads cheesy. Plus, her vocals on that song are quite possibly the strongest I've heard from her.

Also pretty sad you didn't mention Complicated, arguably my favorite track from the album. Some say she basically screams all the way through but I feel like she's very emotive.

The only dud tracks are Fading and Raining Men. The former starts off promising with the Enya sample but then reveals itself as a typical Rihanna ballad/midtempo hybrid ala Take A Bow/Stupid In Love. Raining Men is basically a tuneless Beyonce reject.

[Asics Shoes]

Rihanna has achieved eight number-one singles on the Billboard Hot 100 since first appearing on the chart on June 11, 2005, which is the most by any artist during that time span.

[dana]

I love your thoughtful and honest reviews. So often we just take you for granted as the hilarious ANTM guy with two really cute cats, but when I read stuff like this it makes me appreciate you even more as a writer. This album has been getting an incredible amount of praise for reasons I still don't understand. So boring and generic.

Random, but I pray to Zob that you review Burlesque. Please?

[huhwhat]

@Asics Shoes - So? That doesn't mean her music/personality deserve critical acclaim.

[Account Deleted]

I love your reviews. Also, I love you.

I got this album because of the cover, seriously. Never much thought of her. But I know that critics flipped for Rated R. But now they're praising this at the expense of that. Critics!

[cactuar]

"California Kitchen" made me laugh out loud, it's PERFECT! Overall I thought it was an actually decent album given that it's by Rihanna. It's not pretentious or insincere as the last one, and it's much more cohesive musically than all her previous albums.

[leanspa]

She is pretty but I think she looks bloody awful with red hair...and she can't sing.

[bazooka joe]

Rihanna is NOT pretty. She looks like a hammerhead shark.

[Reese]

Finally some love for Rated R! I said it last year that Rated R was pretty fantastic. I wasn't feeling Gaga's latest effort at the time (I know, I'm in the minority), but I freaking loved Rated R. The combination of dark and ultra cool had me hooked.

"Loud" is a classic studio pop album; but, I still like it. My favorite tracks are probably everyone else's worst. I've got "Cheers (Drink to That)," "Raining Men," "Complicated," and "Man Down" on my main playlist right now.

[james_from_the_great_city_of_cambridge]

@Asics Shoes: Actually, as of this week, she has nine number one singles...

[Pure Cleanse]

Last night,I'd watched a movies of her.And she is looking very hot and sexy in this scene.She has great attractive figure and I have cray about her.

[Uggs Clearance]

It's the first time I seach this site and I am really enthusiastic about so many good articles.