The gay girl and the robot

Really, ANTM? You're not going to take the opportunity to be trendily compassionate and crown your first openly gay winner? If anyone needed it, this is at last conclusive proof that it does not get better!

73. Chelsey

She claimed that da Vinci's The Last Supper moved her to tears. I like to think, however, that ALT rapped her on the knees a few to many times with his stick and that was the real cause of her waterworks. Basically, I just want to believe that his stick has an actual function.

Also, I like that this picture proves that Chelsey and ALT are tooth-space twins (fraternal, obvs).

74. Chelsey

Still on the Last Supper thing! They should hire a spider to weave a web that says, "SOME PAINTING" above it because clearly, that is some painting.

75. Ann

Even though this was all show for the "motion editorial" shoot, who am I to say what is and what isn't real? Real tears in this environment are as frivolous as these fake ones.

76. Kayla

Ditto on the last point, with a lesbian twist!

77. Chelsey

"Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Maybe the problem is I can't hear you, on account of the fact that I am WAY TOO OLD for this environment and my facilities are acting to scale."

(Just kidding, I like Chelsey and wish her success in modeling Depend or Gold Bond Medicated Powder or Talbot's or whomever will have her as she shuffles slowly toward total decrepitude.)

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"Jane really struggles with conveying any type of emotion. She's holding onto the handlebars of control."

As a lead cyclist on the seat-less bike of reality TV, Tyra knows what she's talking about.

By the way, I'm so glad Jane ditched all the fake tears this week and didn't even attempt to cry over being eliminated. I think she got tired of being their tear-monkey this week, as well she should. Why squeeze teardrops from a stone for a bunch of assholes?

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"[To Jane] 'Cause remember I said before, I was like, 'I don't remember her. I go to bed at night and I don't remember her.'? And I went to bed that night, going, 'That girl worked my set.'"

I'm never not creeped out by Tyra talking about thinking about these women in bed, and also her apparently terrible memory that causes her to forget people that she sees on a regular basis. Way to admit to a small mental capacity and/or general inability to consider others. Then again, this woman is busy and she has a lot on her mind. Primarily:

Variations on the gif above have popped up before, with good reason: it is the greatest Tyraism ever Tyraismed.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"[Again to Jane] You haven't mastered your body."

I get the feeling that Tyra has, though, though long nights in bed thinking of Jane. GET OFF HER DICK ALREADY.

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

"[Once again, this one's for Jane] I haven't seen a girl with that much hair in her face that can still push through and make me buy whatever the hell she has on her body."

A girl pushing through with hair on her face? Would it by chance be afterbirth that she has on her body? And Tyra's licking it up, too. The afterbirth of the souls you are desecrating tastes delicious!

Keep in mind that upon elimination, Tyra told Jane, "Push through more." Her ass is going to fall out if she pushes through any more. Everyone's is.

On that note, it seems apt to turn to ALT...

Good old Twinkle Eyes!

On Ann and her corset...

"I think this is the first day you have embraced your extravagant uniqueness in this fabulous corset. You won me over. I want to take you to a party."

You could knock me over with a cloak in the face of stylish masochism garnering praise on this show. "You won me over. I want to take you to a party," is really good though. I hope it's not a sex party that includes bondage and fisting, though. We can't have that many asses falling out!

On Ann (again)...

"There is some super power pushing her. There is a force of nature that's propelling her."

Does ALT think that forces of nature are super powers? I guess that would explain the cloaks: by wearing them, he's just being environmentally responsible!

Also, he already said this, almost verbatim, except it was the super power that was propelling her forward. His cauldron of choice phrases, it turns out, has a bottom (and he's not it!).

1.Tyra is such an asshole.

What nerve this woman has to think that she should be directing things! Her directorial debut was much like her R&B debut way back in Cycle 2 (also a cycle that they packed their bags y'all, and went to Milan, interestingly enough -- there's something about Italy that really brings out the flavor of Tyra's egomania). That is to say that Modelli Folli is the "Shake Ya Body" of motion editorials. I can say that in good faith without ever having seen a motion editorial before (I think) and certainly without any interest in ever seeing one again.

It's like if Fellini and iamamiwhoami decided to have a baby, but then changed their minds and had an abortion instead. I love how she had the girls all whisper their own names: YOU CAN'T MASK YOUR GENUINE, CREEPY NARCISSISM WITH CREEPY NARCISSISM IMPOSED ON THE GIRLS, Banks!

The sole actual scary shot didn't even make it in:

(That much corn silk is terrifying!!!)

Although I do give her (or more likely, her editor) props for getting rid of this:

Obscuring narcissism is too complicated even without mouth fog. With it, it is a riddle punctuated by a finger-traced question mark.

2. Well, it looks like Madonna's entering her wizard-guru-advice-seeking phase:

This woman looks like she could cut glass with her bones through her skin.

Terrifying. Not in an ugly way! Just in a bird-of-prey way.

And you know what else was terrifying?

ALT's hovering over the girls as they attempted to impress Franca Sozzani with their personalities.

Imagine living with that over your shoulder, judging you, photo-bombing you at will. Imagine pooping with it. Imagine seeing The Last Supper with it!

Actually, that's perfect. It would take a master like da Vinci to put ALT's spectacle into perspective.

(This is perfect, too, especially as a statement that anime is for losers.)

(And I say that as a dilettante-ish anime fan, so don't cry to me about jokes 'cause I'll out-lose every loser up in here!)

3. Barbara Terrinoni is probably my favorite person of the cycle.

She is as nutty as an acting coach needs to be. For example: "When we are onstage we are like lions. Please: be a lions. and "Are you sure you're alive?" and "Smile, not like Frankenstein." So basically, what I'm saying is that all acting coaches should have the articulation limitations of Penelope Cruz in Vanilla Sky.

After the humiliation that is typical of both this show and acting lessons (and given that Yaya's fictitiously fucking Mark Ruffalo on film is perhaps the greatest professional accomplishment of all the ANTM alumna, maybe an acting lesson and this show are one in the same after all), I loved that J told them, "Everything you learned today, you have to take to a very important client today." Can you imagine if they had approached Franca Sozzani like this?

They would have broken her. If not her spirit, then the confidence in this show that she shouldn't have anyway, and if not either, then her bones, which as fate would have it, are not so strong anyway, since she's, you know, an old lady.

Setting these girls up for failure, I tell ya. Barbara was right, though, to try to get more out of their shrieks of, "Help me!" They're going to have to beg extremely hard if they want to see actual modeling work after this thing is done.

4. I'm upset enough about Kayla's elimination that I'm mentioning it again (but only upset enough to mention it again). I thought for sure she was going to win this thing, if not at least be in the Top 2 with Ann, who's obviously the winner now. That's fine. Ann having to do real work should be interesting until I forget about it, which is to say: immediately. And I'm not a non-fan of Chelsey. She wasn't made of sea foam or anything, but she's attractive enough and I enjoy her sass. I especially enjoy her flirting with trashiness back home:

I swear if things went just a little different for Chelsey's DNA, she coulda made her reality splash on Rock of Love, not this.

As broken up as I was (or was not, as it were) about Kayla's elimination, I had to laugh when she talked about being proud of how far she's come and at the same time, a picture of her head full of ramen noodles flashed on the screen:

Kayla: it's no longer what's for dinner (unless you're a girl!!!).

5.

This counts as abuse, right? Can you submit animated gifs as evidence in court cases? Will someone please do that?

6.

Nigel says, "It's interesting, the camera loves you..." I say: NO IT'S NOT, NOR WAS THE CAMERA LOVING ANYTHING INTERESTING THE FIRST 5,000 TIMES YOU POINTED IT OUT. Oh well, at least he's interested in himself, thus maintaining the tonal consistency of the show.

7. Even though Ann is going to win, don't even think I'm done the Ann Breakdown Watch! It's one of life's little pleasures -- I'll be scouring her editorials for cracks (although not her butt cracks, 'cause I'm not sick like panel). There are still several shining through:

The final was her reaction to Kayla saying that the panel was really going to pick on them, now that they were down to four. And keep in mind that the panel is terrible, but they're no match for the Internet. I wonder if Ann is OK right now, at this very moment? I wonder how she's coping with all of this chatter. It's not like she's strong or intimidating...

...or even that self-aware (although, paradoxically, she knows it.) Whatever. No matter what happens, she'll always have the comforts of the bacon sandwich, truly as much of a supporting character in this cycle (for sheer repeated instances of popping up) as anything.

But will she really win? I'm so nervous, I'm behaving like a top-heavy top.

Just kidding! I'm really not. I couldn't care less and neither could the boobies that make me beautiful.

 

Comments

[Colleen]

Tyra's film reminded me of a Manray Dada film, only it was worse.

[chicka]

lovely recap.
I'm confused that Kayla didn't make it to the top two as well. Maybe it's because every single other model who has been 23+ has been berated for their age and kicked off as soon as the judges realize it. I'm betting on the awkward age moment to come up right after the walk off, which Chelsea will no doubt win.

[M.D.]

Mmmmmm... Bacon sammich with a side o pussy. HOW did I manage not to notice this until now?
(Rich, won't you be soooo happy once this cycle is finally over? I do believe this has finally become America's Next Top Uber* Tedium for me, and I'll do nothing but read your recaps next time. If you DO a next time. Which should qualify you for canonization in SOMEBODY'S church...)

(* Sorry. Me and umlauts? We don't work out so well...)

[Jill]

As many times as they've shown that stupid picture of Ann eating a sandwich (why would anyone take that picture in the first place?), I never noticed the cat in corner - those glowing eyes are creepy...

[MB]

Watching this episode, I felt like the "motion editorial" was just a ploy to start making the animated gifs for you.
The name-whispering was so awful and not even funny. Finally, if Ann had shown the Italian Vogue editor the bacon sandwich picture I think she would have won the challenge.

[Will]

Not sure if you saw, but The CW accidentally posted a picture that spoiled the winner ....

[wannabeontop]

I loved Chelsey's face when they called Ann's name first. Her face dropped. Not because she wasn't called first (although that's partly it), but because she knew anyone going up against Ann's storyline was bound to lose. And Andre has a hard-on for her.

I also love how Tyra's new go-to advice is to take acting lessons and become an actress. Really Tyra? So being an actress is easier than modeling? Have we not forgotten your turn as stripper / bartender / lawyer in Coyote Ugly? Who am I kidding. Any hiccup in the Tyra Banks success story is immediately forgotten. Much like Tyra's acting career.

[MOn]

I'm not really sad for Kayle, she nored me to death with her constant moanings about the sleeping-bag thing and the sexual abuse, being a possible first ever Amer'ca's Next Top Lesbian etc. And she wasn't the best looking gal in the bunch, she's got really short legs, her mouth seems tothless for some reason. And the red colouring was a horrible choice
I wish Jane was in the top 2, she's the only one with possibilities to work as an actual model: hight, weight, face, age.. (pity she apeared on this show, it makes her no favor)

I like Chelsey, but she looks a bit old, there's something about her skin that makes her look older, it's appears very dry.
I think Ann is the winner. Which is also OK for me. She looks good done, but with no make-up looks like a creature from Lord of the Rings. Needs lots of retouching (teeth..)

[MOn]

I meant bored not nored, obviously

[Nananananana]

Where's the gif of when Tyra was talking behind the scenes at the shoot about maybe Ann...? Mister Jay's face said it all. If Mr. Jay thinks you're talking crap... Hmm. In other news, This Is The First Final 4 Without An African-American Girl In The History Of America's Next Top Model! This may or may not be true, by the way. I don't care enough to look it up.

[beerz]

The only reason I am sad that this cycle is coming to an end is because I feel like you're getting tired of recapping this Rich. If you stop recapping I will def stop watching...

That said the winner was already leaked, which is hilarious cause the final episode doesn't air until next week (this week is a clip show).....and the people who leaked it were CW themselves.

[Erica]

Naima wasn't openly gay??

[Crystal]

I had a gif party when kayla left. She's the Analeigh of the cycle. She was antm fierce, but not actually fierce fierce. Plus terrible terrible proportions. I guess "you should go into acting" is just a nice way of saying you're not a fashion model.

[Lauren]

I haven't been this let down for the final two since Mckey and Sam.
If Ann wins I will probably hit my computer, as I lifted my fist to it last week for putting Ann in the top two, and yelled at my TV for keeping her in my face since episode 3.

[ellen]

"As a lead cyclist on the seat-less bike of reality TV, Tyra knows what she's talking about."

Rich, you are a bloody genius. That is some great writing.

More Winston, please!

[Karen]

as much as they love ann's photos, i can't imagine her doing anywhere near well enough with the commercial, covergirl shoot, AND runway to win the thing. though, it will be quite entertaining to see her try.

[Kev]

There were some real "The Ring" moments in that tape. I worry Ann will come out of my TV next week and throw me in a well but ya know what?

"Bring it"

[Jen]

My favourite part of this episode was when they showed the bacon sandwich picture for the nth time but this time with a twist: they began by focussing in tight on the cat and then pulling back to reveal... Ann. Ugh. I don't like Ann; I don't find her modelly in any way beyond height.

[CHANTAL]

LOL I KNEW U WERE GONNA DO A GIF OF TYRA AT THE END DURING CHELSEYS DELIVIRATION
LOL

[Jodie Whalo]

OMG, that "motion editorial" was so atrociously bad that I was left utterly motionless and speechless for nearly five full minutes afterward. The creative direction was cliche to the point of ridiculous, the music was insipid at best, and the camera work was the kind of predictable shit you see in a high school English class video project for the section on "Wuthering Heights."

Her and M. Night Shyamalan should get together and make a movie. Hopefully, they'll cancel each other out.

[Gregorio]

My favorite part was Tyra asking, no, begging for hardcore sexuality from the girls. Surely something to use in her lying-in-bed spank bank, no?

[Colleen]

"Hmm. In other news, This Is The First Final 4 Without An African-American Girl In The History Of America's Next Top Model!"

Who was the African-American Girl in the Cycle 2 top four? ;)

[Az]

I thought it was cute that Tyra was trying to be the Kaiser. As if.

[quanah]

Collen, Mercedes was in the top 2 in cycle 2.

[quanah]

Ok, so Eva wasn't a lesbian winner? I thought we all knew her and Ann were lesbians.
Also, McKey is a little mannish, although she had a boyfriend.

I thought Naima was openly bi.