The days of choosing between volume and length are over

The amount of bacon sandwiches a $100,000 CoverGirl modeling contract can buy is truly jaw-dropping.

So, Ann won. We already knew that, and we already knew that. It seems a little convenient that the final CoverGirl commercial was a mime job with a voice over (a lot harder to fuck up or, more importantly, a lot easier to hide the fuck ups on the show during judging), and it's flat out weird that this floating head is going to be a national ad:

I feel like this is Photoshopped. Here's my best approximation of the original:

I know that Ann looks stockier than usual in that, but it's the best I could do.

Not that Chelsey's was that much better...

...although the criticisim levied at it was absurd:

How do you make your face look like it has makeup on it? Isn't that the makeup's job?

Whatever. Chelsey is fine. She seems to know what's up, but she's old and she looks older:

Ann's ultimate triumph over the bullies that mocked her appearance suggests that even though ANTM passed up crowning its first out lesbian winner when Kayla was eliminated, perhaps it does indeed get better. It made for a decent storyline and it told us what we already knew (that, duh, Ann was going to win!) -- for the first time in the history of America's Next Top Model, the show made me feel smart!

82. Ann

Eleventh hour revelation: Ann was made fun of as a kid.

83. Ann

I can't tell if Ann is crying because she's happy to see her parents, or if she's crying because she's terrified of them.

(Just kidding: they seem like a great group of bacon sandwich makers.)

84. Ann

Her family has never seen her model before, so she's crying. Keep in mind that if her family had seen her model before, she'd still be crying obviously.

85. Ann's mom

She would be, too, obviously. But what a nice lady, from what I gathered in her 30 seconds on screen! What a nice family in general.They like to joke around and watch movies. They seem like pioneers of interaction. What's not to like?

And though Chelsey's parents didn't support her with their tear ducts...

...they seemed nice, too! And her dad is hot, in a way-too-old-by-decades, look-but-don't-call-him-"Daddy"-to-his-face kinda way. I'm not saying I'd have sex with him, but I would watch him have sex in a video on Xtube.

86. Ann

The girl who needed the confidence boost got the confidence boost.

87. Ann

I hope she relishes this time of joyous agony, as agonizing agony may very well await as she attempts to, you know, actually model.

88. Chelsey

Chelsey was pi-hiiiiiiissed that she didn't win this thing. She should take solace in the fact that she gave this to the world:

That's more than most can say they contributed. Nigel was so right on when he called her "a natural smiler." With other people's '90s-ed out Glamor Shots on our collective radar, we all are.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"Do you understand how serious this is? This is no joke. This is Top Model, elevated."

If I didn't understand how serious this was, all I'd have to do is allow Tyra's seriously furrowed brow to take me to school. But really, the suggestion that Top Model is not a joke is the funniest joke I’ve ever heard.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"I used to do this little thing with my eyes that I don't recommend you do, becuase it's very 1990s. But I used to, like, walk and, like peak to the side, and forward and peak to the side. Now you can do that, but not literally: 'I feel you and I know you're looking at me. I know you're looking at me.'"

If she doesn't recommend this, why the tutorial? Oh right, because she's taking the opportunity to talk about herself. Duh! She feels you and she knows you're listening to her. She knows you're listening to her.

The most hilarious thing about this was that they flashed to an example of it...

...from 2002, which just goes to show how washed up she was before ANTM (very 1990s!). This show gave her new life. We will be bound for eternity for having that in common.

This week was light on the Talleyisms, but heavy on the sparkly fabric.

'70s game-show curtain couture at its finest. Entire spring and fall collections for Madame could be cut from that one ALT ensemble. I would love for even a tweet's worth of an explanation as to what makes this not dreckitude. And how 'bout that guy reaching for his dick (or...whatever it is)? This season's must-have accessory, am I right?

On Chelsey's commerical showing...

"Chelsey, I felt no snap, no crackle and no pop."

I understand how one might get confused with applying CoverGirl makeup and sticking Rice Krispies to one's face, but come on. This guy is supposed to be an expert.

Mostly, I think he's just over this shit:

Yet another thing to bind me with a member of this judging panel for all eternity.

1. How about Ann's runway look?

Tyra called it "a little zombie," by which she meant a very tall zombie. One thing's for sure: Ann will definitely book work for designers who are into that caffeinated look. Like, when Galliano does a spread that takes place in an elementary school teacher's lounge, Ann is so in!

What a wild runway show, right? Jay was there and his sparkles only made him more authoritative in this world of glitz and extreme homosexuality.

You know he had to hold it down when on panel, asserting himself respectfully in the form of a bowtie and leaving the yards of spangly fabric and extreme homosexuality to ALT and Nigel, respetively.

Thank god, though, that PNP Sparkles himself was there to keep things under control backstage. Like I said, it was nuts. Like, too-many-arms nuts:

So wild.

When I watched this the first time, I was on my computer and saw this part out of the corner of my eye...

...I thought Ann was molting. Seriously, cross your eyes or focus just off to the side and that looks like a skeleton shedding skin.

One positive for real about all this is how open they were about this fashion show existing solely because of the reality show. Both Ann and Chelsey seemed to take this as a compliment, not a given, but hey, progress is progress.

2. In a similar way, this deception was despicable:

"We’ve flown back some of your friends..." lied Jay, as if we didn't notice that the girls who made it abroad were the ones who rejoined their group, as they'd clearly been in the Italian holding tank all this time. Next time come with something shiny to distract us/assert your authority, or don't come at all.

3. Cavalli looks like a breakfast meat...

...one who wears its gristle firmly on its sleeve and everything.

4. Chelsey is so cheeslsey:

Just kidding! She's actually...

...Chelspee.

(By the way, even though I'm a man, I did not look at the CoverGirl commerical and relate. I'm a lot more explicit when I eat my gelato, for one thing.)

5.

Meh. I disagree. The months haven't been kind.

6. What else?

Tyra...

...Tyra...

...Tyra...

This is how I'll remember her over the long months ahead.

Taking self-aggrandizement to a ranting level and being completely unncessary in the process. Never change, you crazy monster. I think I'm going to miss her least of all. Which reminds me...

Scarecrow?

"The great news is, the camera loves you."

The greater news is that you got to slip that in one more time before the cycle was over.

That is it. The cycle's done, I'm done, big whoop.

You best believe that the Ann Breakdown Watch is still on and will be forever:

And that's it. To all my little bacon sandwiches: may you be so lucky as to be photobombed by a cat.

Oh, Scarecrow? One more thing:

I found your shoes.

 

Comments

[Walt]

I am not sad that this season is over but sad for no more recaps. Thanks for all the laughs!

[Jaclyn]

Great end line!

Loved this season, even though it was wildly anticlimactic.

[sevenstories]

I thought it was a pretty good season but I'm boring, I prefer likeable girls to bitchy girls. Also, I think you should bring back the occasional video blog a la Saleisha's cycle.

[wannabeontop]

I think we had it all wrong about Ann re: Breakdown Watch. It was Chelsey who was truly on the verge of something fierce. I got Black Swan vibes from her in the last episode, especially during panel. It's a pity we couldn't follow up and see how Chelsey was doing three days after the decision. That's when the manifestations turn violent.

This is Top Model ELEVATED.

[Lisa from the L]

What will I do without my ANTM recaps?!

[Anne Noise]

I'm glad to see someone else has a level of attraction between fuck and watch fuck online. (And, actually, I guess watch fuck in person, too.)

XTube is the shit.

[Liane]

I guess I'm glad Ann won. I couldn't get past the Miss Nicole Paige Brooksiness of Chelsey. Especially since Miss Nicole Paige Brooks worked it better.

But dear God, how did I not know that "Madame's Place" existed !?!?! Corey Feldman and Judy Landers in a sitcom with Wayland Flowers & Madame? That must have been the cheesiest cheese that ever cheesed. I am indebted to you forever for bringing this to my attention.

[Chris]

Elyse Sewell actually made some money as a model post ANTM and hopefully Ann will too.

A kazillion girls from the auditions, a few hundred actually making the show in the last 15 cycles and so far we have one "real" working model, and zero supermodels. Tyra really knows how to pick 'em!

[Dan]

Please, PLEASE do a Nigel "the camera loves you" supercut. That shit would be fantastic.

[dana]

"The girl who needed the confidence boost got the confidence boost."

I love when you subtly work in our favorite ANTM-isms. Keep up the wonderful work!

[Claff]

I loved that Tyra was drooling all over the place about Roberto Cavalli's scarecrow shoes (niiiice, Rich) when only minutes before, we'd seen some flunky backstage at the "fashion" "show" mercilessly hacking the fringe off of them. Ostensibly so that the models wouldn't trip over said fringe and fall on their damn faces. (and by "models" I mean, of course, "Ann.")

[Mark]

Does anyone know how old Ann's brother is? He looked kind of cute.

[Paul O'Mahony]

DO A CRY COUNT!!!!
ann will dominate that shit, along with liz. . . . fucking hate liz. . . .

btw greetings from IReland :):)

[Kev]

If you do a camera loves you superclip, you'll need some Twiggy moments as well. That will probably double your collection.

[Woo]

Ann's brother is 15. And 6'7". And growing. Haha.

[spazmo]

I still can't look at ALT without being reminded of Tim Gunn's experience witnessing ALT seated and bibbed, on a couch in a backstage green room being hand-fed morsels of food by hapless lackeys. So appropriate that ALT would wear an enormous, sparkley bib for the finale.

Great recap season, Rich. Thanks for all the pretty parties, crying counts and Talley tallies!

[Sheik]

Love the bacon sandwiches comment

And yea, I agree ALT is ovvvvverrrrr this shit.

Krista aged about 5 years in 3 months...
Oil/Shine is not her friend

[Pissy Anne]

What? No comment about Chelsey's moms permanent surprised face? She was freaking scary. Slap a wig on Ann's brother and you have............Ann. That's scary too. And how freakishly small were Ann's feet? I thought they focused on the gnarly feet alot in this episode. She needs a pedicure stat! And the scarecrow shoes were dreckitude at its best. This whole episode/season was ugly.

[snow]

Chelsey looks like Kimmy Gibbler in that 90s pic.

[matthew]

Rich you have to book Ann on Inside the Reality Studio PLEASE!! We need to know the answer to such questions as what is her cat's name in the bacon sandwich photo , did she ever actually eat the bacon sandwich, what are her family's favorite movies and ask her if she can auction off the Last Supper drawing, that would be AWESOME.

[Rose]

I just have to say that at judging, Tyra looked so much like Thandie Newton in the Chronicle of Riddick.

Oh yeah, and I agree, how could you miss an opportunity to mention Chelsey's mom? Yikes!! The judges took one look through the window to the future and knew that it would not be kind to Chelsey.

[AntBee]

I wish they would stop trying to fool us into believing these are real fashion shows in these finales! First of all, Jay would not be running fuck all. Secondly, the ANTM rejects would not have been allowed in the building let alone on the runway. Thirdly, people don't shout and yell at the models while they're actually, you know, modeling. Shut it Tyra! Finally, the designers don't even show up for these things! That was stupid having the girls clap for no one but themselves.
They sure did praise Chelsey a lot at last panel, and pretty much gave Ann a "meh," but she had to win, Vogue Italia wanted her from the get go. Also, Chelsey's Covergirl photo was extremely Photoshopped. It almost didn't look like her at all. Oh, and she has her handsome father's face. No shame in my game, I would do him!
Roberto Cavalli's face disturbs me. He doesn't look like any breakfast meat that I would ever eat!

[AntBee]

One more thing. Krista looks like a boogawoof in that picture above.

[dodger]

the camera loves those shoes!
thanks again Rich!

[cat]

You really have to do a gif of ALT's rediculous rantings... Why he is an 'expert' is only only because he says he is one. Truely a case of the emperor has no clothes. Ann? Really? I guess he likes the deer in the headlights/mouthbreather look.