The days of choosing between volume and length are over

The amount of bacon sandwiches a $100,000 CoverGirl modeling contract can buy is truly jaw-dropping.

So, Ann won. We already knew that, and we already knew that. It seems a little convenient that the final CoverGirl commercial was a mime job with a voice over (a lot harder to fuck up or, more importantly, a lot easier to hide the fuck ups on the show during judging), and it's flat out weird that this floating head is going to be a national ad:

I feel like this is Photoshopped. Here's my best approximation of the original:

I know that Ann looks stockier than usual in that, but it's the best I could do.

Not that Chelsey's was that much better...

...although the criticisim levied at it was absurd:

How do you make your face look like it has makeup on it? Isn't that the makeup's job?

Whatever. Chelsey is fine. She seems to know what's up, but she's old and she looks older:

Ann's ultimate triumph over the bullies that mocked her appearance suggests that even though ANTM passed up crowning its first out lesbian winner when Kayla was eliminated, perhaps it does indeed get better. It made for a decent storyline and it told us what we already knew (that, duh, Ann was going to win!) -- for the first time in the history of America's Next Top Model, the show made me feel smart!

82. Ann

Eleventh hour revelation: Ann was made fun of as a kid.

83. Ann

I can't tell if Ann is crying because she's happy to see her parents, or if she's crying because she's terrified of them.

(Just kidding: they seem like a great group of bacon sandwich makers.)

84. Ann

Her family has never seen her model before, so she's crying. Keep in mind that if her family had seen her model before, she'd still be crying obviously.

85. Ann's mom

She would be, too, obviously. But what a nice lady, from what I gathered in her 30 seconds on screen! What a nice family in general.They like to joke around and watch movies. They seem like pioneers of interaction. What's not to like?

And though Chelsey's parents didn't support her with their tear ducts...

...they seemed nice, too! And her dad is hot, in a way-too-old-by-decades, look-but-don't-call-him-"Daddy"-to-his-face kinda way. I'm not saying I'd have sex with him, but I would watch him have sex in a video on Xtube.

86. Ann

The girl who needed the confidence boost got the confidence boost.

87. Ann

I hope she relishes this time of joyous agony, as agonizing agony may very well await as she attempts to, you know, actually model.

88. Chelsey

Chelsey was pi-hiiiiiiissed that she didn't win this thing. She should take solace in the fact that she gave this to the world:

That's more than most can say they contributed. Nigel was so right on when he called her "a natural smiler." With other people's '90s-ed out Glamor Shots on our collective radar, we all are.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"Do you understand how serious this is? This is no joke. This is Top Model, elevated."

If I didn't understand how serious this was, all I'd have to do is allow Tyra's seriously furrowed brow to take me to school. But really, the suggestion that Top Model is not a joke is the funniest joke I’ve ever heard.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"I used to do this little thing with my eyes that I don't recommend you do, becuase it's very 1990s. But I used to, like, walk and, like peak to the side, and forward and peak to the side. Now you can do that, but not literally: 'I feel you and I know you're looking at me. I know you're looking at me.'"

If she doesn't recommend this, why the tutorial? Oh right, because she's taking the opportunity to talk about herself. Duh! She feels you and she knows you're listening to her. She knows you're listening to her.

The most hilarious thing about this was that they flashed to an example of it...

...from 2002, which just goes to show how washed up she was before ANTM (very 1990s!). This show gave her new life. We will be bound for eternity for having that in common.

This week was light on the Talleyisms, but heavy on the sparkly fabric.

'70s game-show curtain couture at its finest. Entire spring and fall collections for Madame could be cut from that one ALT ensemble. I would love for even a tweet's worth of an explanation as to what makes this not dreckitude. And how 'bout that guy reaching for his dick (or...whatever it is)? This season's must-have accessory, am I right?

On Chelsey's commerical showing...

"Chelsey, I felt no snap, no crackle and no pop."

I understand how one might get confused with applying CoverGirl makeup and sticking Rice Krispies to one's face, but come on. This guy is supposed to be an expert.

Mostly, I think he's just over this shit:

Yet another thing to bind me with a member of this judging panel for all eternity.

1. How about Ann's runway look?

Tyra called it "a little zombie," by which she meant a very tall zombie. One thing's for sure: Ann will definitely book work for designers who are into that caffeinated look. Like, when Galliano does a spread that takes place in an elementary school teacher's lounge, Ann is so in!

What a wild runway show, right? Jay was there and his sparkles only made him more authoritative in this world of glitz and extreme homosexuality.

You know he had to hold it down when on panel, asserting himself respectfully in the form of a bowtie and leaving the yards of spangly fabric and extreme homosexuality to ALT and Nigel, respetively.

Thank god, though, that PNP Sparkles himself was there to keep things under control backstage. Like I said, it was nuts. Like, too-many-arms nuts:

So wild.

When I watched this the first time, I was on my computer and saw this part out of the corner of my eye...

...I thought Ann was molting. Seriously, cross your eyes or focus just off to the side and that looks like a skeleton shedding skin.

One positive for real about all this is how open they were about this fashion show existing solely because of the reality show. Both Ann and Chelsey seemed to take this as a compliment, not a given, but hey, progress is progress.

2. In a similar way, this deception was despicable:

"We’ve flown back some of your friends..." lied Jay, as if we didn't notice that the girls who made it abroad were the ones who rejoined their group, as they'd clearly been in the Italian holding tank all this time. Next time come with something shiny to distract us/assert your authority, or don't come at all.

3. Cavalli looks like a breakfast meat...

...one who wears its gristle firmly on its sleeve and everything.

4. Chelsey is so cheeslsey:

Just kidding! She's actually...

...Chelspee.

(By the way, even though I'm a man, I did not look at the CoverGirl commerical and relate. I'm a lot more explicit when I eat my gelato, for one thing.)

5.

Meh. I disagree. The months haven't been kind.

6. What else?

Tyra...

...Tyra...

...Tyra...

This is how I'll remember her over the long months ahead.

Taking self-aggrandizement to a ranting level and being completely unncessary in the process. Never change, you crazy monster. I think I'm going to miss her least of all. Which reminds me...

Scarecrow?

"The great news is, the camera loves you."

The greater news is that you got to slip that in one more time before the cycle was over.

That is it. The cycle's done, I'm done, big whoop.

You best believe that the Ann Breakdown Watch is still on and will be forever:

And that's it. To all my little bacon sandwiches: may you be so lucky as to be photobombed by a cat.

Oh, Scarecrow? One more thing:

I found your shoes.

 

Comments

[Deborah K]

70's game show curtain couture at its finest!!! How perfect!

That someone who wears stuff like that is considered one of the most influential people in the fashion industry is mind boggling.

So glad I found you. Keep it up!

[Nitric Oxide Rush]

She is really making very funny gestures. Ha ha ha!!

[ROBERTO]

WHERE IS YOUR CRY CHART THING?

[Margaret Shank]

If Ann is the new sexy for models, rock stars aren't going to be dating models.

[Renadex]

I would love to watch its repeat telecast...

[?]

"Vogue Italia" wanted Ann? Didn't the editor give the win to Chelsey.

ALT may be "over it" but I have been OVER HIM since his first episode. Biased and spewing nonsense.

[wafflefish]

What lies are you spewing, Rich? We all know you would totally do Chelsey's dad.

[Draylen R.]

Perfection, thy name is Rich! Seriously, the best recap of a cycle since, well, last cycle! What we will do when this show kicks the can?!?!? I perish the thought!

[Val]

Chelsey's dad looks like an older Matthew Broderick and I like that very much. Her mom looks like a friend's crazy ass mother her looks perma shocked all the time.

Ann's family was not what I expected, I expected a bunch of really tall and skinny folks (aside from her brother). There are some latent genes at work there.

[Langtry]

Chelsey's Covergirl ad is very Scavullo-era Cosmospolitan, don't you think? Not exactly Covergirl's brand/look.

[Gwen]

Rich, thank you for elevating your Top Model recaps for us. Can't wait for the next cycle of recaps!!!

[Amanda]

I think you spelled peek wrong in the context that Tyra was using it. Peak is the top of something, but when you look at something its peek... just saying man.

[Burn Xtreme]

Definitely,You have Excellent picture and I think,she need to confident enhance in herself.And it's all about just laugh.

[Oliver]

I love your recaps all cycle long. Can't wait for the next cycle to start so I can read more. Your blog is one of the better reasons why I watch ANTM. Keep it up!

[Get Slim Acai]

Her expressions really look real.

[Zetaclear]

As expected, she is an experienced actress...

[Stephanie M Andrews]

How did I find your blog just now that the cycle is over!?! I'm sad, but will enjoy reading old recaps and hope to join you next season!

ps - your gifs make me dizzy!

pps - I've been practising Tyra's 'look to the side, I know you're looking at me' runway technique to shop windows in my spare time.

[elle b]

I WANT TO EAT SALEISHA'S CUNNNNT!!!! ME WANT SALEISHA PUSSY! SALEISHA PUSSY! YUMMY YUMMY I LOVE HER thick black LABIA AND CAVERNOUS VAGINA! I want a MOLD of SALEISHA'S VULVA!

I WANT TO EAT SALEISHA'S CLIT. DELICIOUS! I LOVE HER.

[Johanna]

I didn't get to read this sooner, my job computer blocks your site now-grr!! Great recap as usual!

[kate welsh]

Anticlimactic ending. Thanks anyways.

[custom logo design]

Rose, I also love Mr. Jay. I mean, a makeup artist turned self-described photo director turned style-fashion-guru?
Also, I believe there was something genuine when he walked with Kayla after the shoot. He seemed happy that someone else was happy, which I think is a big thing for him.

[Steve-O]

I realize that this comment is about 2 years too late, but by GOD! Krista looks like B'elanna Torres without the supraorbital ridges. Or maybe like what B'elanna's mother would have looked like. In her grave.