Full disclosure from a lifelong connoisseur of garbage: I did not enjoy Birdemic: Shock and Terror. What is most irritating about it has little to do with the movie itself, though: in the rush to anoint this legit shitpile the BEST WORST MOVIE EVER, all the press that talked about it being a cult sensation neglected how cult films work (I'll give you a clue: it doesn't happen overnight!). But on top of being annoyed at the way the rush to claim and describe everything perverts long-standing institutions (I'm an old man, so what?), Birdemic: Shock and Terror is just tedious. Part of what makes it hilarious is the stilted editing style, which at times places several beats between each line of dialogue, the sound audibly cutting out between each exchange. This is funny for five minutes and excruciating at 90. Birdemic: Shock and Terror is too long by at least half, which makes repeat viewing virtually impossible (not that various outlets gave anyone the time to watch it again before declaring it a cult classic, and repeat-watching has everything to do with a film's worthiness in assuming that title).
However, its director James Nguyen is at least morbidly fascinating, because there is something decidedly...off about him. I hate saying "off," but "wrong" would be even worse, because I frankly believe he has some kind of mental or emotional impairment. The guy just doesn't get anything. He thinks he actually has made a movie with a "great storyline" that he hopes will leave people "thinking," per his commentary on Severin's newly released Birdemic DVD. Here too is a problem with Birdemic: the ambiguity of intent that is so essential to camp appeal is obliterated by this guy's every clueless interview that asserts how seriously he takes his work (and even a little seriously would be way too seriously in this case). "I think that the majority are laughing with the movie, but some percentage are laughing at the movie, and that’s fine. What do you expect from a movie that was made for less than $10,000? But, I think that the people who are laughing with the movie really like it, they just see through all of its imperfections, and they appreciate the sincerity of the story – a very serious, compelling story," he recently told the Wall Street Journal. For the record, people are only laughing at this thing, if he's lucky, and his assertion regarding the "sincerity of the story – a very serious, compelling story," is exactly the kind of thing they're laughing at.
There's something socially out of touch about Nguyen and if I had to make an armchair-ignorant diagnosis, I'd say he has Asperger's. I mean, who knows, really? It's just a stab at a mind that comes off as alternately complicated and simple. The DVD commentary I mentioned is plagued by the same shitty sound editing as the movie and he repeats himself endlessly. The central point of his rambling goes something like, cars = civilization, and his central question is, "Why did the eagles and vultures attack?” On his so-heavy-handed-it-hurts environmental message conveyed by fake newscasts regarding global warming and polar bears, he assures us, "You really have to watch it closely to catch all that." Is it a lack of intelligence on his part that causes him to question ours? As the commentary goes on, he becomes as insufferable as his film, a pretentious blow-hard that over-explains the overt. He also mispronounces names at random (The Birds is alternately referred to by its actual title and The Bird, and he also says “Angela Jolie” and “Yoko Owner”). I'm not willing to give him the benefit of the language barrier, either: he was born in Vietnam but his family moved to America 36 years ago. It's gotta be something...else.
But look, clearly people are charmed by this guy and his film, and if I can distill what he has to offer, it's in the video above, which cuts together instances of him literally just stating what's on screen during his commentary. His simpleness makes the average director-as-narrator shtick we often hear phoned in on these tracks seem sophisticated and insightful. The video above reminds me of that story John Waters often tells about Edith Massey: they'd go driving and she'd look out the window and just say everything she saw the whole time: mailbox, house, schoolchildren, fence, etc. You know, come to think about it, what the hell was up with Edith Massey?
What I'm mostly saying is: go ahead and laugh at (or if you are one of Nguyen's fantasy viewers, with) Birdemic: Shock and Terror. But at some point, do ask yourself: what the hell am I laughing at?
I just want to say good for you on no more ANTM. What was once so great is now unwatchable. And I'm sure you won't, but don't let all the horror and outcry that I'm sure will come your way get you down.
Posted by: kiki | February 24, 2011 at 04:02 PM
RE: ANTM
It's funny because finally, after so many years, I decided to stop watching the show as well. ANTM was my first foray into reality tv and it will always hold a place in my heart, as will your recaps which I only discovered late in the game, but it's now become repetitive and predictable. The recaps were amazing, but if you don't love to hate the thing you love, then your energy is best used elsewhere.
But promise me this - if they ever do a ANTM ALL STARS (Dominque!, Jade, Michelle, that girl Tyra screaaaamed at), please consider returning to that old bag of bones you once loved.
Posted by: wannabeontop | February 24, 2011 at 05:05 PM
rich,others may blog about antm but noboby does it like you.
Posted by: lisa | February 24, 2011 at 05:28 PM
Yet another off-topic comment about ANTM (perhaps you should enable comments on posts like that because people will comment anyway ;))
I have to admit I AM CRUSHED that you will no longer be doing the recaps. I'm not terribly surprised, but this is yet more bad news after a shitty week chock-full of bad news.
Posted by: karen | February 24, 2011 at 06:40 PM
Hard to imagine watching Top model now. Also managed to feel offended by the mention of your age, seemed a bit damning of anyone who didn't jump before you did.
Posted by: B | February 24, 2011 at 08:05 PM
I think your right and he may be fundamentally handicapped in some way if he expect anyone to take his film seriously. I can't even believe you saw it, that's bold. You might dig Mega Shark vs. Crocasaurus. Oh c'mon, it's got Jaleel White in it! Yeah Birdemic just looks so bad.
and in Re: re:re: to antm, i've been reading your blog since the Jade cycle, and you've written about lots of other stuff along the way, so its not like i'm surprised or saddened. But you should keep the grab bag, I liked the grab bag, and i'm pretty sure one of the girls looks like or is a skecksy from The Dark Crystal.
Posted by: dodger | February 24, 2011 at 10:59 PM
Re: ANTM (as I'm sure most of these comments will be)
But... but... I need your recaps! It's what I looked forward to on Monday! This is all happening too quickly! It's a sad day.
Posted by: Natalie | February 25, 2011 at 12:18 AM
Gotta admit my heart has been broken a little bit about ANTM. I don't think the posts about the ever fabulous Winston will be enough to keep me bringing me back here to read all your other random posts. However, I do want to say thanks so much for the amazing years worth of THE best ANTM recaps out there...
With that said, hopefully you'll bring it back, if not I guess for now I'll just wave buh bye.......
Posted by: LuLu | February 25, 2011 at 01:02 AM
RE: ANTM:
It's not right, but it's okay... Whitney seems to always be appropriate at times like this. :(
Posted by: Amber | February 25, 2011 at 03:59 PM
Hey Rich, I saw Birdemic at a local theatre notorious for midnight movies. Truly the worst ever as far as a torturous movie goes... The sound of the birds screaming and guns firing was SO LOUD!!! I love to watch movies that make me suffer though, so I recommended it to all my friends. Although I tried watching it again at home and couldn't get past the beginning credits scene... Bahahaha!! The director reminds me a lot of a friend of mine- very pretentious and assumes that the readers of his stories are idiots- I love what he produces though because it's so awful it's funny. Good question though, what am I laughing at...?
Posted by: Hannah J | February 25, 2011 at 08:58 PM
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: matthew | February 26, 2011 at 06:46 AM
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!1
Posted by: matthew (hardcore ANTMer) | February 26, 2011 at 06:49 AM
I like the other stuff you write about on the blog (especially Winston and Rudy) just as much though so I guess if this will allow you to do more non-ANTM stuff that's just as good
Posted by: matthew (hardcore ANTMer) | February 26, 2011 at 06:52 AM
Glad you're not doing ANTM anymore, the show is boring and you just don't have much material to work with.
I much prefer FourFour during ANTM downtime anyway.
...now where are those Drag Race recaps?
Posted by: j | February 26, 2011 at 10:05 AM
May the Best-Woman-Win!
Posted by: matthew (hardcore ANTMer) | February 26, 2011 at 12:32 PM
I'm sad about ANTM, but I totally get it. I'm not into most of the pop culture/music/video stuff you write about and frankly am fairly convinced I'm not smart enough (perceptive enough?) to be reading most of your blog posts - save the ANTM & Kitty Pride ones. You said ANTM posts were thankless - so, thank you! I truly have enjoyed every one. If you ever stop posting about Winston, I will be heartbroken though!!!
Posted by: Tara | February 26, 2011 at 04:24 PM
Gurrrl, not gonna lie, I did lightbulb brighten thinking I got hit up fourfour for some gifs even though I don't even watch anymore; however, your blog is so much more than that to me. Your insights into pop culture and especially music are smart and hilarious. Plus Beyonce vids don't hurt. I don't think you're going to lose any fans over ANTM. Smize on you crazy diamond.
Posted by: Jocelyn | February 26, 2011 at 08:51 PM
I love your awful film finds - I'm totally obsessed with finding a copy of the Mafu Cage, but this just looks painful.
Re ANTM, the gifs have probably become my favourite part of the show! I will miss them, but I'm hooked on your blog for much more than that (namely Winston, the keen music reviews and posts like this one. And any other other kind of gifs, really.)
Posted by: Maja | February 26, 2011 at 09:07 PM
I've been a fan of this site for years and have greatly enjoyed your recaps of ANTM. I really used to look forward to Mondays knowing I would have your witty, funny, visual and smart recaps (best recaps ever!) There were times that I've laughed so hard from your recaps that they have really gotten me through some bad days. Thank you for that! :)
As much as I've enjoyed ANTM over the years, I think i may not watch it as much, or at all now, anymore. Maybe, but, eh. It just wont be the same. But i will still come here for all else though. Love your reviews, gifs, articles and your cats!
Posted by: Jen | February 28, 2011 at 12:33 AM
I enjoyed this article. It's a mind blowing reviews.. I'm a newbie here in this site. I hope i can gather a lot of information
Posted by: Anna Love | February 28, 2011 at 07:46 AM
SORRY IN ADVANCE ABOUT YET ANOTHER ANTM POST! But ...
I'm devastated. First, you stop blogging about Jersey Shore, now you cut off Top Model. How will my secret, shameful, indulgent reality TV habits ever find validation from a kindred ( schadenfreudist) spirit (since I can't ever confess to anyone in real life my guilty pleasure)? How dare you place your own time and sanity above the amusement of random strangers who give nothing in return for your trouble!
I suppose the Dogtooth clip was an acceptable consolation offering. I was addicted to watching it last week and my exercise partner and I broke down and used the routine for our workout over the weekend.
Posted by: investigatoryjournalist | February 28, 2011 at 11:07 PM
Again, an ANTM post (you should have known to not have closed comments on that one if you didn't want us spouting off elsewhere):
Honestly, not surprised at this, since you hadn't done a first impressions post, nor have you even mentioned Sutan/Raja being a contestant on Drag Race. The writing was on the wall. Also can't say I'm surprised, 'cause boyfriend and I stopped watching this season as well. I figure when I can't even remember who won a show three months ago, it's time to call it quits.
But it was great following your blog while I watched the show. In fact, I probably watched longer than I would have otherwise, simply because you made the show more fun than it was in and of itself.
Judging from the other things you post, I don't have a whole lot else besides ANTM in common with you, so I doubt I'll visit your site nearly as often (if ever, sadly -- cats and bad horror are SOOOO not my cup of tea). But still, I hope life gives you back all the smiles and laughs you've given me through these ANTM posts. Cheers!
Posted by: davy | March 01, 2011 at 10:19 AM
Hahaha, this video is great. At about 1:00 where he's describing driving on a road and seeing trees, I LOL'd.
Posted by: Lauren | March 03, 2011 at 12:17 PM
Just as long as you don't stop covering Winston, Rich!
Posted by: Elissa | March 04, 2011 at 12:15 PM
u are basically, an asshole, crushing my dreams. it's such a fucking hipster thing to do, to quit following a show, because its been on for too long. omg, take some ritalin.
ANTM BUILT THIS HOUSE....
and i basically feel like i got dumped.
Posted by: big boy | March 06, 2011 at 10:55 AM