Scanning my life

I spent last week between jobs and attempting to organize my life. I wasn't entirely successful. I learned what I already knew: I have so much crap that I never, ever want to throw away. Below is some of it, scanned. Aren't you lucky, getting to look at my hoarding?

Now that I've made this post sound as unappetizing as possible (no cats were flattened in the making of it, I assure you!), the answer to a recurring question I've been asked more than once -- "What do you look like with hair?" -- is below, among many things that I think are actually interesting...

I believe "a mess" is the appropriate answer to the question above. These are both circa late-high school (1997ish). I remember getting in an argument over a gift certificate with a probably AARP member at the boardwalk bookstore where I worked, and just before she left the store in a giant huff, she called me, "Mr. Purple Hair." I was like, "I KNOW BITCH, I DID THIS TO MYSELF." Now I think her insult was totally justified. (You gotta give it up for the Jamiroquai shirt, though, right?)

Anyway, this is why I buzz my scalp -- I cannot handle myself appropriately around hair.

Here's Tracie and I at Disney World last year. She took Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin much more seriously than I did.

This picture of Beyond the Valley of the Dolls' Dolly Read is my favorite head shot of all time. Her expression is so remedial-class that it really conveys her acting ability. I could choke my younger self with the black sperm of my own vengeance for putting holes in this thing (if you enlarge the photo you'll see tack holes around the edges since I had to hang this and the lobby cards that came with it as part of an eBay lot up in my various dorm rooms to illustrate how cool I was). Also, it's so yellow from years of being around cigarette smoke billowing from as many orifices as I could manage. Photoshop is the next best thing to a time machine (and maybe the best best thing, as I don't really want to choke on my own sperm, and if it were black, I'd want to choke on it even less and probably need to visit a doctor).

This one's really good, too. He knows a lot about her family.

Remember when Nick Lachey got totally chunky? Me neither, really, but at some point, I tore these out of a Life & Style for posting:

Does anyone know if Nick still looks like this? I asked on Twitter last night, but I think everyone thought I was kidding. If anyone recently hooked up with him in a hot tub or spent some time on vacation and photographed it, please pass the documentation along. Or even if you just saw some pictures on a blog, please email me. I want to know how ardently I should be fantasizing about him. There's something so hot about giving up the boy-band body. Nick Lachey became a man before our eyes! We are culturally blessed. Also, the best thing I ever got out of The Newlyweds was that he liked having his ass licked. He was all embarrassed when Jessica mentioned it, so you knew it was true. God, this guy is just the best.

Right when Rock of Love hit, I saw Poison in New Jersey (I covered it for VH1).

It was the trashiest, and I have the backstage credentials to prove it. It would have been funny if I were working in the RuPaul sense of the word, but also potentially hazardous to my healthy.

Years ago, a nice reader by the name of Lara had these stamps of Winston made and then sent them to me. I never used them because all in tact, they comprise a piece of art, obviously. I love when people send me renderings of my cat in unlikely media!

Here is the original press release for the Glitter soundtrack. It was printed on vellum:

I find none of its claims ridiculous -- Glitter is a really underrated album!

(As with most of these, you can click to enlarge and make readable.)

Here is M.I.A.'s first official bio:

I find most of its claims ridiculous -- they are possibly all true, but was knowledge of her sister's typhoid really necessary context for Arular? Fetishizing her culture for the sake of a selling point always seemed particularly brazen to me. I guess her struggles really did earn her those truffle fries, though.

This was the suggested participation for a Showgirls screening to promote the DVD reissue:

I looked at that and said, "No." And then the theater went dark and my stance didn't matter anyway, as I couldn't follow it if I wanted to. But really, I do a fine job responding to that movie on my own, thank you very much. And "Call 9-1-1 Nomi" during the rape scene, seriously? Any fan knows that Nomi didn't need 911 -- she handled Andrew Carver with martial arts and some nipple lipstick (nipstick?).

This is something I picked up in the period of time that I spent hypothesizing what I would post on my not-yet-launched blog (it was a much longer period than it should have been). It went forgotten for years and years and now I've made good on my prophecy:

Now I only wish I'd attended.

And finally, here's a bonus picture of me with hair:

I'm about 3-years-old in this picture and in pig heaven -- more literally than in most instances. Miss Piggy opened up me up to loving long-haired women with short fuses and big mouths. I would not be the person I am today without her. She's perhaps the biggest pop cultural influence of my life, just ahead of Samantha Fox (who taught me the glory of sluts).

Comments

[Lilyana]

You are so cute with purple hair in a my-boyfriend's-a-chunky Nick-Lachey-look-a-like-but-i-want-to-swap kind of way hahaha woaaah i'll give you a martini or three to absorb this hahah (yes, i have a martini way of measuring time, hence the chunky Nick-Lachey-look-a-like boyfriend)

[Lilyana]

In other news, it's half past martini down here, as you can clearly get from my previous comment, whatever, don't mind me, you're a cutie regardless

[Andy S. aka 'O']

I envy your high school hair as if I tried that my momma would've WHOOPED MY ASS.

What a lovely trip down memory lane! I feel jealous because I'm 24 next month and I have yet to really make some amazing memories :/ But I'm inspired! ♥

[DaniDee]

awe great post.. I would love to see more of your hoarding!

[moss]

answer: HAWTTT hair or no hair, that is what you look like!

[Susan]

Awesome post. What a cutie you were with Miss Piggy. Love your t-shirt too!

[megan]

sigh, i already knew this, but this post just confirms it... i have such a major friend crush on you rich!
i have similar photos of myself with odd-colored hair circa 1997 (junior year of HS for me in NJ).

thanks for sharing your odd treasures!

[molly]

aw long haired women with short fuses and big mouths. that's me. and miss piggy. i now understand why gay men love me.

[molly]

btw, great post. i'm the same way. i keep little things that ultimately amount to nothing but amusement at the fact that i once was like "oh i better keep this." so worth it.

[Driver B]

Dude, I'm digging the purple hair too.

Also, I would totally buy those weird face Winston stamps.

[Vanessa]

I too have a Beyond The Valley of The Dolls lobby card! You can just about see it in this picture (http://www.flickr.com/photos/megalulz/4546275902/) Mine's now got blu-tac stains on the back, which I do feel a bit guilty about too, it's one of my favourite possessions.

[spazmo]

AWW! Miss Piggy t-shirt ftw!

Also, I never noticed how nice your eyebrows are. Damn your man-beauty, Rich.

[Lisa]

You're the kind of person I wish I'd be able to be friends with but would never feel cool enough to be around.

[Patrick]

I got flashbacks of "Into the Groove" with "Till the world ends" and I listened to it so much that it finally made me cry...

[Ky-L]

Thank god for documentation, it must be cathartic to post all your life's treasures for all the world to see. Long live purple haired Rich!, just kidding that was just plain awful.

[RGR]

This is one of my all-time favorite fourfour posts. If you made it a regular feature, it could justify your habits!

[Dru]

"You're the kind of person I wish I'd be able to be friends with but would never feel cool enough to be around."

This. 100%.

[Rocksee]

Your mushroom fade reminds me of every boyfriend I had in middle and high school. And that Miss Piggy mask... Gruesome.

[FayeH]

Excellent post! I have similar hoarder instincts. I never regret the gems buried in the hoard, but it is a bit hard to organize at times.

[sfgirl76]

the miss piggy picture explains so much rich!

[wannabeontop]

love this. any little morsel of insight is delicious.

what is going on with the aubrey collage? surely you've found enough defaced posters by now?

[patriciojuan]

Totally agree with you on Glitter! It was just fashionable then to hate on it since the movie was, uhm, less than stellar.

"You're the kind of person I wish I'd be able to be friends with but would never feel cool enough to be around."

Amen.

[NiceLadyLara]

Thanks for the mention, Rich. It was art borne of necessity: I needed stamps, and that particular image of him looked so iconic, I thought he would create excellent postal currency. (If I could immortalize him in street art, I would.)

[Jessica]

Love this post, and extremely gratified that you moved on from the purple hair.

[Lauren]

If we went to high school together, I definitely would have had a crush on you, like those other "alternative" boys I fancied and didn't realize were gay :)