Despite Donald Trump's stated politics of bigotry, I am not boycotting this season of Celebrity Apprentice. Now, I think that doing so is a noble cause. I applaud those who can resist this explosion of destitution and facial reconstruction, but I cannot. It would take eternal damnation itself to tear me away from a weekly dose of La Toya Jackson in a high-pressure environment. Sorry. I am gay and in support of equality, but I am also human. Besides, if Trump doesn't support gays, he does support a gay sensibility -- this show, more than ever, is nonstop camp, from Lisa Rinna's lips to Marlee Matlin's ears.
(On one quickly glossed-over part of the premiere, Marlee was seen motioning to her ears, seemingly to remind Star Jones that she is, in fact, deaf. I don't know how much more over-the-top you can get than one of the most famous deaf women in all of pop culture being forced to gesticulate wildly to signal her own deafness.)
Dionne Warwick is a living copy of AARP The Magazine, all determined and exhaustible. Her speaking voice could be described as "stereotypical Catwoman." Richard Hatch is a curly mustache short of a cartoon villain. Gary Busey is an untouched pile of isms books sitting in Urban Outfitters. He has no idea how he got there.
The show is also visually arresting. This season of Celebrity Apprentice collects for broadcast the biggest number of strange-looking people I've seen since I Love Money 2.
Come, let's look:
Of particular note is Niki Taylor, a specimen of blessed DNA, if ever there were, whose pulling and pumping and ironing out has produced something reminiscent of I Think We're Alone Now's Kelly McCormick.
It's a stretch, yes, but less of one than I ever would have imagined possible.
Speaking of transitioning...
...Jose Canseco looks perpetually between Bruce Banner and Hulk phases of existence.
I posted this screenshot of NeNe Leakes on Twitter and someone else said it best: "if you wanted to know what the 'O_o' face looked like in real life, this is the perfect example."
The two freakiest freaks of all must be captured in motion:
And then there is La Toya, whose official title per the show's intro is "entertainment icon."
She's still reaching for the stars after all these years.
And she looks ravishing doing so!
For the first board meeting, she wore fuck-me boots and a mini-skirt. This woman is 54-years-old. It's enough to make AARP The Magazine fold. (Sorry, Dionne.)
Earlier, she arrived dressed like Benjamin Franklin and proceeded to fuck up the meaning behind her team's name, A.S.A.P. It stands for Artists, Singers, Authors, Performers...no wait, Artists, Singers, Actors, Authors...no, it's Artists, Singers, Authors, Professionals. Or something. I don't know, it's all relative, and that's what's most fascinating about this show: "celebrity" simultaneously means more and less than it ever has. Of course, most of these people are down and out, career-wise (they wouldn't be here if they weren't), and yet any shred of popularity they may have over another is exploited with suitable voracity.
To draw people into the pizza place the women's team had to run for their challenge, project manager Star Jones stated that she was relying on La Toya's celebrity. Relying on La Toya's celebrity to get you anything but a continental breakfast and a handful of people to look up from what they're doing would have been previously unthinkable. I don't know if it's the death of Michael that has upped this woman's stock or what, but somehow she's gone from famous? to famous. This is La Toya's moment, the time that she has spent her life waiting for, one of mass acceptance and comparative clout.
And to celebrate, she is wearing a baseball cap with the name of a truly shitty NYC pizza joint. Perfect.
Anyway, yeah. Sticking with this. Sorry, La Toya trumps social responsibility.
Next week she does this:
I rest my case.
Thanks, Rich. Just want to know; when you're watching ANTM while sitting on your couch, you're still writing stuff in your head, right? Right? Because you CAN'T MAKE THE VOICES STOP.
Posted by: Someone else | March 07, 2011 at 01:14 PM
I hate to be this person, but Niki Taylor has looked like that for a long while. She had a great deal of reconstructive work done after a pretty horrific car accident. So while she looks "worked on", and has for a good decade or so now, it was pretty necessary work.
Posted by: Anne | March 07, 2011 at 02:57 PM
I'm glad David was the first to go. He's so painfully desperate-seeming and trying-too-hard. Also, his face.
Posted by: danisse | March 07, 2011 at 04:15 PM
I felt bad for David...his daughter is not a big movie/tv star...she had a few episodes of Gossip Girl and she was awful..
Posted by: CP | March 07, 2011 at 07:46 PM
"Mocha & Milk" is a perfect matc h like "black & white" people
~~~~~B lac k Wh it e Fl i rts* C''0m ~~~The most s uccessful interra cial da t ing c lub. If you are still waiting for your sweet "milk" or "mocha", don't hesitate to check it !! Don't let your babie s wait too lon g for you !!
Posted by: dhfgf | March 07, 2011 at 08:36 PM
LOLOLOLOLZZZZ. Sorry, it's late. That's the best comment I can muster, but I wanted to demonstrate appreciation for the post.
Posted by: WC | March 07, 2011 at 11:01 PM
I love it!
Posted by: Cool | March 07, 2011 at 11:58 PM
Donald Trump is just a pig-faced moron who never would have soared to his "business genius" heights if it wasn't for Daddy's moneybags. He's fun to watch though, very much the male Tyra Banks.
Posted by: matthew (hardcore ANTMer) | March 08, 2011 at 03:33 AM
The gay man that lives inside my head is spinning out of control with this season of The Apprentice. There's just too much going on and I L-O-V-E it.
Posted by: Clara from Portugal | March 08, 2011 at 07:09 AM
awesome!! So glad you're on this Rich. I have a weird love for this show.
Posted by: moss | March 08, 2011 at 12:03 PM
Rich, think of it like this: by you watching and recapping the show, you're saving other gays (like me) from having to watch it. So really, you're selflessly serving the community by keeping us supplied with gifs of LaToya's, um, majesty and Nene's new nose and Star giving ET realness, without having to go against the boycott by actually watching the show. For that, I thank you.
Posted by: Rob | March 08, 2011 at 02:54 PM
I've never watched Celeb Apprentice but figured I should after seeing the cast announced. Then, I saw that you recapped and that cemented the fact that this would truly be pop-culture gold.
I don't think I've read a re-cap this gleeful since the Being Bobby Brown days. And I don't think I've loved a reality tv show this much since Vince Neil's season on Surreal Life.
PS- Can Jose Canseco's bedazzled jacket get a shout out?
Posted by: Misskmonique | March 08, 2011 at 08:22 PM
Totally Off Topic, but...
Now that you're not covering ANTM, who do you recommend as doing a better recap/blog on it? I'd like to read it, but I can't find it (besides TWOP, which is cool but no screencaps/etc)
Posted by: GKDS | March 08, 2011 at 09:39 PM
Wow, ANTM is SO BORING. You picked a good time to quit Rich
Posted by: matthew (hardcore ANTMer) | March 08, 2011 at 11:35 PM
YES! See, I would NEVER know such goodness existed without this blog. Wow, Niki Taylor! Good Lord, I remember her from "Seventeen" magazine a million years ago (please don't tell anyone I ever read "Seventeen"--oh, the shame).
Posted by: liz | March 09, 2011 at 01:35 PM
About La Toya.....it got me wondering.....other than that god awful mobster she was married to in the 80's/90's, has she ever had a real romantic relationship?
Either she has successfully kept all romantic relationships she's ever had on the down low or she's simply never had one.
Very intriguing and sad if true.
I can't think of any celebrity more deserving of true love than her.
Posted by: Paulo | March 10, 2011 at 11:27 AM
While I miss your ANTM recaps, I know you never disappoint.
This recap totally rocked and was spot on.
These people are insane and not easy on the eyes.
Posted by: Mz. Right | March 10, 2011 at 04:11 PM
LOVE the Kate Bush reference in the title of this post.
KATE BUSH KATE BUSH KATE BUSH YA YAAAAA
Posted by: Maxam | March 13, 2011 at 03:45 AM
Anyone else notice how creepy Jose Canseco's eyes were? Those blue contacts are TERRIBLE
Posted by: Joanie | March 16, 2011 at 09:22 AM
"My daughter is a huge TV and movie star!"...and she donates only $1,000. Haha
Posted by: Bitchita Jackson | March 16, 2011 at 05:57 PM
NeNe will kick Donald Trump's fat lily-white ass. I dig her. The Donald has better watch the fuck out!
I'm happy I found you. I think we were separated at birth. Laugh.
I linked to your old post on Florrie today. It's a gem.
Best,
SB
Posted by: Sarcastic Bastard | March 18, 2011 at 01:47 PM
Why should i waste my time watching them? I'd rather read a good book.hah!
Posted by: kate welsh | April 06, 2011 at 09:28 PM
Wow that was brilliant on so many levels including the most crucial level of all -superficial gawking- and I feel like I both watched the show and absorbed all its meanings in the time it took to read this. So much better than actually watching it and so obviously necessary.
Posted by: J Sweet | April 07, 2011 at 01:58 PM
Richard Hatch is NOT a celebrity.
Posted by: Jonathan | April 22, 2011 at 08:37 AM
Quite unrelated but a major personal breakthrough for me: I just realized that the reason I always felt slightly turned on by Don Jr. (horrible, right?!) is that he reminds me of Jeff Stryker :D
Posted by: Kiloran | April 25, 2011 at 03:57 PM