Jessie J: Annoying, Ranked

I wrote about Jessie J's earful of a first album, Who You Are, for the Voice this week, and in it, I talked about the arsenal of annoying sounds this woman makes (and words she says). It is a vast arsenal, let me tell you! In a way, this vocalizing represents Jessie's hustle: certainly, it's what makes her her. In another way, it's what makes the album a chore. Trade-off!

As repelled as I am by annoyance (being, you know, human), I'm also fascinated by it (give me a few years and I'll remember everything fucked up about Who You Are fondly). And so, I've collected the 30 most annoying sounds made by Jessie on her debut, and ranked them from least to most annoying (i.e. from "Ugh, get it out of my ears!" to "I no longer have ears because my brain just exploded out of mercy"). It was a highly scientific process. Just kidding! It was totally subjective. It's like that old saying: one coconut man's melisma is another's chew-toy squeak is another's "beating-buh-buh-buh-buh-beating-beatin'." See what gets to you the most!

(Note, this embedding style was the best I could find. I know it's still sucky, but believe me I've spent far too much time on the mechanics of this shit already. I honestly considered learning Flash for this. Anyway, you may need to play a clip to let it load and then play it again to hear it play smoothly. That's the kind of two-pronged endurance test that I love!)

30.

29.

28.

27.

26.

25.

24.

23.

22.

21.

20.

19.

18.

17.

16.

15.

14.

13.

12.

11.

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

Comments

[smooshfacedcat]

Play them all at once, experience insanity.

[Laurie]

How is there not more from Do It Like a Dude??? I hate that song.

[James]

Agreed! She's so beyond annoying, even her stupid name, Jessie J. Didn't she used to be Jessie James? She strikes me as a knockoff of Nicki Minaj / Natsha Beddingfield mixed together. I really hope her career continues to not take off.

[matthew (hardcore ANTMer)]

Hi , I would like to request about ANTM or Drag Race please . Thanks if it's possible

[Christinenoel]

If I don't hate any of them, what does that mean?? Also, drunk.

[Pedro Tejada]

wow this bitch sucks

[Amiee]

I hate her so deeply and irrationally, this post is just more fodder for my negativity. I hate her even more now that I have just returned from visiting a friend in London, who lives just off of Brick Lane, and I could not take the ironic hipster fashion choices that were assaulting my eyes, the trying-soooo-fucking-hard aesthetic that was everywhere, and, to me, Jessie J embodies that London pay-attention-to-MEEEE-ness that I so despise.

[AtrocityPrint]

I've never been gladder to not have heard of a person than I was ten minutes ago.

... a statement which, horribly, makes more sense than any of those clips. Goddamn.

[sacfly]

8 & 7 should've been number 1 to me !

[RP]

@Christinenoel - It means alcohol is an effective defense against...whatever the Hell it was I just subjected myself too.

[Mara]

oh fuck no...i downloaded her album and have yet to listen to it, but after listening to all of these i think i need to delete it, asap. thanks for the heads up!

[Nicole]

It's depressing to me that Jessie is getting all of this hype in the U.S. that should be going to the infinitely more talented Katy B.

[Francesco]

ha #1 was so irritating it actually makes me laugh

i think i want it as my ring tone!

[xcgh]

You are beautiful and deserve better life?

-- Lo ve Wealt hy *C//0 m - a plac e gathering thousands of millionares, providing you chances to da t e with wealty people, accesses to upper class luxury life.

Don't hesitate, your life will be changed!

[anne]

number SEVEN!!! Oh my god. And EIGHT. She sounds like she's gargling/stuttering/dying...

thanks for this.

#7 def should've been the top one, though. It's hilariously terrible..

[Liam]

Oh my god number eight is the worst in my opinion. Who is she, Porky Pig? Number one is a close second. Who is she, Crazy Frog?

Also, I think I'll start saying "Coconut man" randomly from now on.

[DR]

I lol'd SO HARD at #24. Ridiculous isn't the proper descriptor. Thank you, Rich, for giving me 30 Reasons Not to Buy This Damn Album.

And OMG, I just played them all at once! That's EXACTLY what I imagine Hell would sound like!

[Laya]

I can't listen to the clips at work, but...

I first saw Jessie J singing "Do It Like A Dude" acoustic on youtube. It was cool - she had a kick ass voice and kind of an old school-ish Teena Marie vibe. So I searched for her other stuff and found the official video of the song and was SO DISAPPOINTED.

And speaking of her need to be liked...have you seen her "Dare Jessie J" videos on youtube? Yeah. Painful.

[Killa Cam]

#17, 7, and 6 are 1 2 3 for me.... really appreciate this

[Sarah]

I have a lot of respect for Jessie J that makes me wish I liked her music, but HOLY SHIT is she annoying. Yes, yes, YES to all of this.

[nicole]

OH MY GOD

[Oliver]

This album does sound like a bunch of demos for different artists. She has no clear idea where she wants to go as a singer.

Jessie James is another singer. lol She used to be Jessie J Cornish.

[Adam]

I like her.

[k. n.]

#7 and 8 were my one and two as well, that shit's hilarious!

also, every time i watch an ANTM episode i become sad that you're not going to say anything about it. i want to know what your thoughts are on Alexandria and her ridiculous bow hat!

[Isabel]

hahahahahahahahaha