You should read Wifey

When I was a child devouring Judy Blume's catalog, I remember seeing Wifey on my mom's bookshelf and being forbidden from reading it when I expressed completist interest in it. I vowed one day to read it and promptly forgot about that for years and years until recently. (Similarly, I still haven't seen the explicit strip club scene of Flashdance -- despite having seen that movie dozens of times, all my viewings took place in the early days of VHS while accompanied by an adult, who'd promptly cover my eyes whenever the...well, whenever whatever happened happened. I can't be sure because, again, I haven't seen it.)

Anyway, I did finally read Wifey and I urge anyone who's looking for a trashy beach read this summer to do the same. You will read it in five minutes and laugh the entire way through. Sexually unsatisfied yuppies in the suburbs say the darnest things! Blume wisely keeps the most outlandish bits confined to her character's dialogue (no-fault omniscience sometimes feels like a cheat, but here it just feels like the best way to tell a story about ridiculous people). She also doesn't let anyone off easy for their poor judgment. I love the way she writes with giant spaces for you to fill in (the fact that she doesn't get bogged down in description influenced me profoundly, for better or worse). It's so easy to read and never feels condescending. Also, the book is about a housewife who gets turned out after seeing a guy jump off a motorcycle in front of her house and jerk off (to completion!). (A starred-and-striped helmet is involved!) What's not to love?

Anyway, the best way I can advocate for picking this up without giving too much away is to list you some of my favorite sentences (and in some irresistible cases, my favorite sentence pairs). Here is your warning: they are naughty...or at least, that's the idea. This book is a product of a time when women talking about and being proactive in their search for sexual satisfaction could still be shocking. I know that things aren't perfect now, but girl talk about sex is now a channel in the cable box of our pop culture. That is to say that this book is largely divorced from the context that made it happen/shocking (/important?), and so taking sentences even further out of context only seems right.

- "That's why I douche with vinegar...cunt vinaigrette...to make it more appetizing...you know, like browned chicken."

- "Sandy hated her diaphragm."

- "She opened her legs a bit more, letting the hot sun warm her there, warming her all over...on her nipples...erect now...she ran her hand across her belly...fuck me...fuck me, sunshine...so delicious, as it crept up her legs, to her thighs, to her cunt...kiss me there...lick me...oh, please...oh, hurry..."

- "She'd had babies since then and masturbation took coordination, didn't it? Especially while driving."

- "And then he kissed her face and she tasted herself on him. And she liked it."

- "'Wear a Tampax and enjoy yourself!'"

- "So she wore just a Tampax under her new dress, insurance against leakage." ["Leakage" does not refer to her period, FYI.]

- "At ten, a five-piece band arrived, complete with electric guitar and bongo drums, something for everyone."

- "'I've always wanted you, Sandy...always loved your little ass...your cunt...every time I examine you I want it...want to kiss it...to fill it.'" (Note: "Examined" because this is a gynecologist speaking.)

- "'I can make my cock dance inside you.'"

- "As he inserted her diaphragm he whispered, 'So beautiful...sweetest pussy...'"

- "I fucked him but I do not covet him!"

- "'My little panda, my little bear, my mountain goat, my baby burro.'"

- "'It's all right, my little sparrow, my coyote, my wolverine, my lion cub.'"

- "'My little alligator, my sand shark, my turtle...and you can trust me...so why look further...'"

- "'My little kangaroo is hungry...hungry to fuck...'"

- "Should she put rouge on her nipples?"

- "A silky mushroom."

- "She laughed out loud, feeling giddy. Giddy with sex and adventure and love."

Honorable mentions in the form of phrases: "agonizing itchy pussy" and "denim pants."

Finally, I'm going to take this post as an excuse to tell my Judy Blume Twitter story. A while ago, she was on set of the upcoming Tiger Eyes movie and tweeting a lot about it. I was feeling particularly stupid one day and I tweeted, "I hope that @judyblume writes a sequel to Tiger Eyes called Tiger Eyes & Head, abt a girl with a tiger head coping with the loss of her dad." Judy then retweeted that, which impressed the hell out of me. I knew she was awesome, but I had no idea she had that good of a sense of humor about her work. I tweeted her about how happy that made me since she was one of my childhood heroes and then she started following me. And now we are married. Gay married. I learned that it's OK to be gay married from her book The One in the Middle is a Gay Dude Who's Married to the Author of this Book (A Woman).

Comments

[Eva]

Judy Blume is a goddess. If I had a Twitter I would follow her so hard, but knowing that you might inspire Tiger Eyes & Head is good enough.

[Caroline]

Oh my god. When I was probably a freshman in high school, I went to the local B. Dalton in my small town and bought Forever. I ran home and read it in a couple of hours. Every now and again I would go back and re-read the sex parts over and over again, jumping out of my skin if someone knocked on my bedroom door while I was reading. So yeah, thanks for the education, Judy.

[ian christy]

I still have fond flashback memories of reading Forever during 6th grade and not getting half the "He came... She came..." references, I mean, they're already there, thought younger, sheltered me. This sounds like a must read, how'd I miss this?

e

[spazmo]

Panda, ok. Burro is a little weird. But sand shark...really? Was sperm whale too overt, then? "Wifey" sounds like a hoot.

My mom had this on her bookshelf too, and encouraged me to read whatever I wanted (correctly assuming I'd ignore the trashier stuff). Actually, I remember sitting on her bed one day, attempting to read "Carrie" at the tender age of nine, but the menstruation stuff in the first chapter completely befuddled me, so I put it back.

[Roaming]

Anyone read Summer Sisters? Titilating at the age where I started being titilated. I'll really never forget it. Judy Blume is fantastic, I will read Wifey as soon as I get my hands on a copy.

[Sisi]

this book sounds hilarious, I shall put it on my to read list

[Becca]

My grandma bought me Forever when I was about 6, thinking Judy Blume=children's author. After asking my mom, "What's 'a good lay'?" "What's 'come'?" the book was taken away. At a sleepover, my friend & I found it & made a list a lot like the one you posted above. We fell asleep before hiding the evidence, & I got grounded. I <3 Judy Blume!!

[Kpurkiss]

"Anyone read Summer Sisters? Titilating at the age where I started being titilated. I'll really never forget it. Judy Blume is fantastic, I will read Wifey as soon as I get my hands on a copy."

I was just going to tell Rich to read that! It has some similarly amazing scenes like Wifey. So amazing! I <3 Judy Blume so much. She's so great!

[matt]

I read "Wifey" while in high school and was never the same way again. Judy Blume is amazing. Nuff said.

[Rob]

The Judy Blume/Jean Grae interaction on twitter was basically the highlight of my week.

[sairentohiru]

Judy Blume is my forever icon. When I was about 12 years old, I wrote her a fan letter and basically spilled about all my woes (bullies! Crushes! Annoying older brother!) and she wrote back. Not just a form letter, either, but a long, thoughtful letter addressing each part. At the end, after she signed her name (the letter was typed), she added a handwritten postscript telling me to write back and tell her how things had turned out. It's one of my most cherished possessions.

[1969]

Judy Blume is indeed a goddess. I remember a whole crew of kids hiding in the back of a school bus reading the highlighted pages of Forever on a school trip. LOL

Wifey is indeed a good read!

[Martha]

I remember trying to read it back in the day, and when I got to the tampon part all I could think was, "Doesn't she know about TSS?" ;)

[Eric]

http://judyblume.com/censorship/places.php

An excerpt of hers from a book she contributed to w/ other censored writers. She's wonderful.

My favorite is Blubber, one of the smartest YA books out there. My favorite thing about it is also what apparently almost got it banned: no simple resolution. The popular assholes (mostly0 stay popular assholes, and the fat girl remains alone. I remember being scandalized by the word "bitch" when reading it in 5th grade.

[W.C.]

Wow, I had no idea about Judy Blume's "naughty" side! Awesome! Thanks for broadening our whore-izons, as always, Rich.

[princessjohnson]

hello
can you ask miss blume if it's true that her "wifey" has been in development as a film vehicle for mariah carey?
what could be more adorable?
i see miss carey cast hilariously against type as a repressed jewish white girl, with strawberry blonde, bouffant hair w/bangs, in a succession of super-short, suburban, 60s mod ensembles...
but i also see a contemporary update, featuring a classic mariah remake jam incorporating next's mid 90s hit, "wifey":
"braids, the weave, skirt or jeans/(i'm) still (your) queen"
haha
in the 70s carly simon was rumored to be starring in erica jong's "fear of flying", which is another sexy 70s retro novel ripe for arch mariah-fication.
are u writing screenplays, dear?
take these ideas, hon; u don't have 2 pay me!

[Rose]

Oh my, do I remember this book. My mom and the neighbor whispered about it.

[beebs]

I remember reading "Forever" and it described that it always hurt for a virgin. I decided right then and there that I was never going to be a virgin.

[Becky Grunewald]

you got the eye covering too! there are certain movies (Animal House, some Monty Python stuff) that I have not seen all the way through as an adult without someone putting their hands over my eyes. Don't adults realize that hearing it and not seeing it just makes it seem dirtier?

[patriciojuan]

Your blog is my favorite book in the Internet.

[jer]

"Cunt vinaigrette" is my new favourite phrase.

[L. Duhon]

Especially while driving?!!!

[stretch mark cream]

Where is the book? i couldn't get hold of it. I hope to grab one. I gonna memorize each and every line that suits me.

[Julia Mattucci-Clark]

"We must, we must, we must increase our bust, the bigger the better, the tighter the sweater, we must increase our bust."

"Are you there God, it's me Margaret?": scandalous book that my friend Peggy had in 7th grade, at our Catholic school, we all took turns reading it, went to library secretly checking out Judy Blume books....

[Black Diamonds]

Hey, happy july 4th, what are some more good trashy books, to read, I am going to the thrift store and save some money, and read these books for my summer vacation, the only trashy books I liked are jackie collins "lucky santegelo" series of books her and her father were a trip, and some of her earlier books.