America's Next Top Next Top Model

Another fall, another cycle of ANTM. But this time is different! Bringing me out of recap hiatus is the All-Stars angle of this cycle.

But it is a bittersweet return.

Really, this cycle does excite me, at least in theory, because it adds yet another delectable layer of absurdity onto this show (and delectable absurdity is what attracted me to it in the first place). America's Next Top Model is a fun house mirror of the fashion world, which is in turn, a fun house mirror of the real world. And now that they're bringing a bunch of rejects back (some of them within striking distance of thirty-fucking-five-years-old) to compete in an all-stars round, this show is a fun house mirror of itself: that is, a fun house mirror of a fun house mirror of a fun house mirror. It's less useful and more of a circus than ever before. It is utterly aware of itself as a vehicle to reducing people down to their most basic and least appealing (soooo ironic for a show supposedly about beauty!), as evidenced in the first photo shoot, in which the returning "all-stars" were "styled as larger-than-life versions of your ANTM persona." The show is literally saying, "We reduced you to a persona and now you have to do it again except more ridiculously!" That is amazing.

But about those personas:

These labels may have been "larger than life," but they were much more polite than the editing of the respective cycles. You could call Camille a diva, but I think we all know her role on Cycle 2:

So I've taken the time to revise all of these, going where the show is now apparently afraid to go (at least explicitly -- if Camille doesn't get the bitch edit, I'm sure people will be fired for not doing their jobs):

(This does seem like a harsh thing to say about someone who publicly struggled with addiction and clearly not at all in the name of opportunism on Celebrity Rehab, but again: I'm going with how the show characterized her...and quoting her former competitor Coryn).

(I know, she's had her "gender reassignment" -- we're talking about their past personas. God, can't you read? Also, let's take time to chortle over the euphemistic "confidence" they've slapped Isis with, which is the most ridiculous out of all of these because her persona on that cycle started and ended with her soon-to-be gone dick. Isis may be a wonderfully enchanting person in real life, and I certainly love that she's diversifying pop culture, just on principle, but come on.)

(BTW, did you see that Wanda Sue trended on Twitter last night? I considered that a triumph of the homemade spirit.)

Really, Kayla is the only one that had an apt description:

I'm surprised they didn't revise it to "Georgia O'Keeffe enthusiast" or "Petal stroker."

If they weren't categorized entirely correctly, the girls did seem more than happy to pick up the slack themselves.

Laura was so campy, that it's clear she's in it to win it.

All it took was some red extensions to have Bianca unable to deal. Is she part bull?

Shannon's arbitrary preference for skimpy bikini bottoms over fucking granny panties because that's underwear and she doesn't wear underwear for anyone except her husband, and even then it's hidden by a sheet...

...was absolutely amazing. Principle for the sake of principle! Let me guess, she's a french-fry vegan, too. I wonder to what extent she would take this principle. Would she wear ass-less chaps? Jeans with the crotch chewed out? Pasties as long as they were outdoor pasties?

Bre is not here to take criticism graciously:

Lisa is as wiiiiiild...

...and as long in the tooth as ever.

But ya know what?

She can kick!

Ugh, and speaking of long in the tooth, some of these girls in their interviews were at Rock of Love levels of messiness.

It's not that they looked bad or even traditionally old -- it's that they look Botox-era old. Their facial skin is stretched so tightly over their bones, they look more like percussive instruments than walking clothes hangers. This is fine! It's OK for women to get older and be beautiful still! They just aren't models! I'm just trying to judge this show on the parameters it set out for itself! They could have given it a few more years and did Golden Girls: All Stars! The comedy level would have been comparable!

Oh, and this one:

No really, don't bother getting dressed up for us. She looks like a less stinky version of Johnny Depp.

A slightly less stinky version.

Not many gif-able Tyra moments were on this episode, although she did come with her ego blazing. Obviously, having girls show up under the guise of being cared about by the general public is a huge built-in ego-stroke. Because she's the one who's ostensibly responsible for presenting them to the people, people caring about them is really just people caring about her work. Her self-investment was never more apparent than in the opening skit, which featured her piss-poor characterizations of the girls (worse even than the namby pamby adjectives above to describe them):

Really, this was just an excuse to get her face five times on the same screen. I do buy that this is an accurate representation of Tyra's dream life, and that everyone is played by her in her own head. It makes you wonder why she didn't just use this entire cycle as an opportunity for a one-woman show.

She did have one really good Tyraism, though:

"The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference. When you have people that love you, and when you have people that hate you, that is the definition of a true star. But what you want to do is maybe get a little more on the love side, but hold on to your fire." Spoken like a true egomaniac who believes there is no greater virtue than attention! Actually, Tyra, the opposite of love is hate. And if it weren't, and we go by her logic, what she is saying is that:

- The opposite of love is indifference.
- The opposite of indifference is true stardom.
- Thus, the way to achieve love is by being a celebrity.

I mean, as much as I find it hard to believe that celebrity does anything but make you feel completely paranoid and unworthy, she's the expert. She certainly will do anything for an eyeball. Regardless, this seems like a terrible, terrible message for the kids. I guess they all want to be famous anyway, and maybe love is evolving along with us humans, and so what will ultimately matter more is quantity and not quality, but god, that makes me weep for the future.

This was said, by the way, to Alexandria, whom Tyra kept because she divided the crowd at the live elimination ceremony.

It was this guy that said this shit, right?

"I hate her, even though I love her, I hate her too," he said. Tyra quoted this, as though it were constructive criticism. I guess for your reality show it is, but aren't you supposed to pretend like you aren't planting love-to-hates in your cast as a ploy for viewership? And polarity really doesn't make a star, but it certainly does make a reality star. Again: fun house mirror of a fun house mirror of a fun house mirror.

I hate hate hate that Brittany went home first, though, because the crowd said when polled, according to Tyra, "I somewhat remember her," or, "I don't remember her." Maybe they're all brain dead from watching too much America's Next Top Model? Like, really, you're going to place decisions in the hands of your reality show audience? Why don't you just start opening asylums so you can hand them over to the crazies? Imagine the fireworks! Bring a camera and film it! Instant show!

Also, Brittany is awesome and gorgeous and would have been so much fun on this show. She was robbed before, and she got robbed harder this time. It's a crock of shit. I hope she realizes she's too good for it.

As far as the other judges, such as this one...

I don't know what he's serving. Paul Reiser? Creepy 6th grade substitute? Aspiring bridge and tunnel-er? Regardless, the fresh locks won't make Nigelistic standards like, "The camera loves her," and "It's all wrong, but it's the right amount of wrong," sound new. I'm onto you, Pubes.

Is Andre Leon Talley decomposing or is that just his soul leaving his body? Also, what the fuck? Isis is "the new mermaid"?

New because she has legs? Does that make Laura the new tadpole?

Lisa is "a little too Girls Gone Wild"?

Has he ever seen Girls Gone Wild? Because it doesn't look like that. I'd watch a lot more of it if it did.

Bianca's shot is "too vintage" because he's feeling "Foxy Brown"? Which Foxy Brown? The rapper? The Pam Grier character? This weird Sims avatar for furries?

Which?

Oh, but I thought Nicki Minaj did well! I mean, really, she could use some of her own advice and the advice of this show (I can't believe I'm endorsing that) because I'd say three out of four editorial shots of her that I've seen are fucking hideous and a total mockery of the concept of aesthetic standards...

...but she definitely knew the show (criticizing shoulder hunches, requesting a leg extension, saying she'd stop on a page if the picture she was critiquing was in a magazine, proclaiming, "I know what's standing in front of me is beautiful," "I don't believe you in this picture," etc.). This woman routinely irritates the pants off of me, and that she didn't at all this time says a lot. Nicely played, Nicki. More of that, please.

What else? Some snappy answers to some stupid sentences:

Bianca: "She peed in a diaper. Is this somebody that I want to be associated with?" You mocked a girl with Asperger's. Is that somebody society wants to be associated with?

Kayla: "I feel like when I walked in the house, a lot of people didn't recognize who I was because on the show, I had bright red hair, short red bangs..." Also, because no one watched Cycle 15.

Tyra: "We're looking for that extra special something." I bet Isis is PISSED that she got her reassignment surgery.

Just kidding! Everyone's very proud of Isis and invested in her journey. Still, I was kind of surprised at how good she looked as a guy:

Oh well.

I like this screen shot:

Allison is a vision of beauty:

I think this feather is unprofessional:

Nice hat:

Oh, I'll keep a Crying Count this time, but I won't necessarily do commentary for it because that's tedious:

1. Shannon

2. Alexandria

3. Alexandria

So yeah, this show was fine. I guess I'll keep writing about it, but I probably won't turn my recaps around as quickly as I did this one. We'll see. This gif kind of charts my reaction to the episode over its course:

I'm a little fearful of getting so deep into this shit again...

But this is going to happen...

...so that's promising. Sticking around for now!

Comments

[Melissa]

Rich, soooooo happy that you're going to cover this cycle! I feel like Tyra after she destroys another girl's hopes and dreams.

[raymbo]

YES YES MORE I missed reading these.

[lisa]

Rich, your recaps make this show more than it is - you make it enjoyable and entertaining. You are the One. That being said, I just cannot watch another round of America's Most Arrogant Forehead. Miss AllAboutMe is not the One. But, you make it easy for me with the "highlights" and your commentary. (Thank you so much for your time and effort!)

[Ashley]

I could not possibly be more happy that you are doing recaps again. Really.

[zamblee]

OMG Rich and Allison are back??!! I feel like the world has reversed to a much better time in human history (the Allison/Rich days of yore).

[Hope]

BAH HAHAHA Bottom Bitch!!!! :) Poor Bre, they did style her like a street walker.

I was shocked Brittany went first, too. That was ridiculous. People cheered for her so hard. Did ALL of people leave before being interviewed?

I am glad your blog is back, I missed you!

[Colleen]

Yes! So happy to have you back!

Is it just me, or does Lisa look like a skinny Jennifer Coolidge?

[Vanessa M]

Dude, I was so proud of myself for giving this show the finger (at the same time you did) and then, DAMN it. Laura, Allison, Sheena, Lisa, Bre and Angelea? I'm so up in this.

Nice to see that Tyra's logic is as wobbly as ever. No one remembers Brittany but everyone hates Alexandria so Alexandria stays because indifference is the enemy. That sends a message to the housemates. I wonder if Brit's parting shot about how she should have peed in a diaper will be prophetic.

Some all stars I would have liked to have seen: Kim from Cycle 5, Jade from Cycle 6, Norelle and Yaya from Cycle 3, Celia from Cycle 12, Brooke from Cycle 7 (probably doesn't give a shit these days but she was so robbed), Tatianna from Cycle 14, Lauren and Amis from Cycle 10 and Natasha and Jael from cycle 8.

[Allen]

I can feel it's going to be a house full of Draaaaama!!!!
PS. Your. Recaps. Are. So. Very. Good.

[Dee2]

Oh, I love you so, so much. You came back. I wished you'd come back and re-cap All Stars and you have. I love your yummy awesomeness. You are better than EVER!

[Matt]

Praise the Lord, he's back!
BTW: Even Mr. Jay is judging his fellow gay in that screenshot.

[MJ]

I was really hoping Brittany would stay long enough to get drunk and scream 'SHUUUT UPPPPP!' in someone's face. Pity...

I think people are only being so harsh towards Alexandria because she was from last season and her slight stankiness is fresh in their minds. I mean, Bianca mocked a girl's autism and people love her.

This episode was all kinds of trainwrecky. I for one am thrilled.

[pricolatino]

When you put the strikethrough on Angelea I read it as "Oil From the Road" instead of "Girl From the Hood". I think they both apply.

[Katy]

I don't get it - they claimed that the all-stars are fan favorites, and then they tried to tell Brittany's old ass that the crowd at the live runway didn't even remember her? What the wha??? #tyralogic

Also, maybe this would have been too simple of a formula/made too much sense/been too hard to coordinate, but why didn't they bring back the runners-up from all 16 cycles instead of a random smattering of past contestants?

[beep]

Yay! Kisses!

[Blake]

So happy you're recapping! TY for the awesomeness.

[Nichole Jackson]

Yay you're back! My reason for watching ANTM :)

[Will]

Great job. I'm so glad you're back to doing what made me come to this site.

[Emil]

Hell yeah! You are back with recaps - Love Love Love so much!!!

[Tee]

It is a CRIME that you were not given a VIP invitation to the live judging. Your opinion of these bitches is the only one that counts.

[Hänni]

Yay! I'm so glad you're doing recaps for this cycle. When I saw Nigel's hair, I was like "EWWW." And then I was like, "What would Four Four say?" Annnnnnnd you called Nigel "pubes." Which totally made my year. You made me do an Andre Leon Talley gif face, so thanks! Can't wait for your makeover recap (OMG, that's always my favorite episode).

[Stroll]

Isis was a very cute boy. She's also the prettiest girl on the show in my opinion.

[liz]

that picture of Nigel in the pink shirt is depressing the hell out of me. "french-fry vegan"! perfect! it's aaaall coming back to me, Rich--that fall of 2009 when this blog single-handedly made me obsessed with that fucking show. thanks for the mammaries!

[Pedro Tejada]

SO glad you're doing this season! I can tell you're back into the swing of things as this was hilarious.

[Jillydreadful]

I am so conditioned to check this blog for recaps after Monday that I had no idea that this got posted so quickly! Hooray for Rich and FourFour! I got out of the habit of checking on Monday because when I moved to NY last year, I'd check it at 9am and there wouldn't be a post. And then I'd spend a few hours reloading, waiting around for the update, just so I could start my morning. I am such a FourFour junkie. Back in California, I had a routine: on Monday, I'd get up and eat breakfast as I read your blog, and by the time I got up on Monday mornings, the recap would be there--it was a magical time. Then I moved to NY, the Ann/MAnn cycle sucked all our wills to live, and I was on EST, that the whole Monday schedule got thrown off. I finally just started forcing myself to check later in the week for recaps. I feel so out of the loop.

But man... I cannot wait for your recap next week. SO MANY BLOW JOB FACES! Also: how do you portray "loveable" or "trustworthy" or "proud" whilst eating a hot dog?? Not even ANTM has the answer. I think the top two photos this week were chosen precisely because their photos somewhat conveyed their "brand" and weren't horrific porno shots of women with phallic shaped objects.

And I agree with the comment above: we NEED a screenshot of that weird ass Photoshop monstrosity at the end of the show. The next few questions will be in all caps to stress my confusion/exasperation/adoration for that image: WHY IS ALEXANDRIA ON A MOTORCYCLE?? WHY IS THERE A KIDDY POOL?? WHY?