Do model with food in your mouth

On this show, this is considered ideal:

Literally, a shot of someone showing you the half-chewed food in her mouth was deemed this week's best photo.

I love this show. SO MUCH!!!!

This week was all about branding, which had two results: 1) Placing these women in even smaller boxes, so that the "larger-than-life versions" of their ANTM personas (not saying "personae," like I'm typing this with a quill, reeking of ambergris, sorry) were even further reduced to a single, vague word, and 2) Posing with hot dogs, because that is exactly the first stop on the brand train. It goes hot dogs to fragrance to empire. The best of the best got their start with wieners in their mouths.

And so, for your pleasure, some of the visual highlights of grown women being made to pose with hot dogs:

Hot dogs! I feel like I dreamed this shit!

The photographer said something about Alexandria giving off "glamour with bacon." I can assure you there is no such thing. Miss Piggy has come closest to giving that, and Alexandria is no Miss Piggy! Alexandria is Cameron Diaz with pork byproduct, at best.

This picture reads as symbolism.

"She's so refined and beautiful," Jay said of that picture. It really is a dignified pose with a hot dog bun. It's on a beige-label Goya level.

This just looks like scat play. I think Laura got "lovable" (her "brand") mixed up with "scatological" again! Whatever, Nigel was into it ("Lustable!"), so that just goes to show what he's into, not that I couldn't have guessed by his typically smug grin. (You might even call it "shit-eating.")

That's OK. Happens to the best of us. Better on TV than in a public restroom.

And speaking of shit-smearing:

How 'bout that new intro?

Ugh, worst.

"Want some?" Um, no thanks. I'm not into shit or eczema or body lice or whatever you just wiped off your face and then offered me. I don't even care if it's semen, NOT INTERESTED.

I do like that this is something that actually played out on the show:

Very prescient/staged.

When Sheena and Kayla ended up in the Bottom 2, I knew our non-hoochie from Harlem was going home. Another week, another girl brimming with personality that could have really facilitated this show's absurdity from the ground is sent home. To be fair, Sheena did seem restrained this time around. She was virtually de-Sheenafied in the brief time she spent on this cycle. I'm not sure what's up with that, whether it was editing or post-reality restraint or reverence. ("I came here to show my respect to the fans," she said after she was eliminated, as though we're dead. No, silly! Just our souls and brains!) From what we saw, I give Sheena's performance this rating:

I don't know, perhaps I will have her over to my apartment some time soon and we can discuss what went wrong in this crazy, upside down world of all-stars programming. Stay tuned!

I just want to talk a little more about the branding thing.

I read this as "touch," which is a weird brand to have, unless you're looking to unseat Pedobear. And why would you want to do that, unless you're jealous over Allison's built-in 4chan branding?

Anyway, I think we all know that most of these girls' brands can be summed up thusly: take work where you can find it. That is why they are here. Duh.

And this guy who advised them, whatever his name is (I can't remember -- must not have a strong enough brand), was like Jeanette Winterson meets Simon Doonan meets an iPad. That's his real brand. What the fuck was he even talking about?

"If I say 'cowboy,' I'm sure you think about a certain tobacco brand, right?" No. Frankly, the first thing that comes to mind is Heath Ledger using spit for lube on Jake Gyllenhaal's ass, but I realize that's just me.

"Even if I said 'safety,' you would think about a certain car brand." No really, what is he talking about? Is Mercedes German for "safenügen?" Is he referring to the brand of car known as Ambulance? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GUY TALKING ABOUT?

I hate the idea of branding. I hate that people refer to themselves as brands. It's a whoriness far worse than actual whoriness (for the record, I have no problem with actual whoriness). It's a disembodied whoriness that scatters your genitals into the wind and pools all of your crap in one big compost heap. A brand drives people to churn out things the world never wanted and certainly doesn't need like, oh, I don't know, a miserable 600-page, virtually incoherent young adult novel that was positioned as a launching pad for an amusement park two months before it was published.

Who could I possibly be talking about?

(This is my favorite kind of Tyra gif, btw.)

I realize that I will never be a millionaire as a result of my hatred of branding (among reasons!) and I am fine with that. The world is a better place without my Modelland.

And what was up with that survey that supposedly asked "all the fans" what they thought of these girls? I don't remember seeing anything in my inbox and I have opinions! Is Lisa trustworthy? Is anyone on this show (especially Jeanette "iPad" Doonan)? The only thing I'd trust a TV personality to do is trample my body as they're stepping over me to get into a branding seminar. Just kidding. People on reality TV don't attend seminars.

I love that Kayla said that what made her different from the other girls was "LGBT." As if Isis isn't carrying the entire weight of the T on her nether region/hot dog bun! And as if half of these girls wouldn't go wild for a few eyeballs and a buffet voucher.

And then, that technological branding imp told Kayla that being gay was so five years ago! Let me guess: he's a condescending eunuch. New, exciting sexes: there's an app for that. He also pronounced the word "annoying" like "annoring," which is about the most annoring thing a person can do.

Anyway, I like that Isis has a little more zazz this time around.

Definitely makes her less of a token/"inspiration."

...and that is a good thing. I'm not here to make role models.

Meanwhile, I like that Alexandria has more...

...Novocaine (...? Laughing gas? Oxycontin?) this time around. She looks like she could drool at any moment. Drugs or ironically Pavlovian response to Pink's dogs? You decide!

No Tyraisms this week. Sorry, I was way too distracted by her fetish play.

You know, oftentimes, as a person gets older, he or she gets kinkier. I did not realize the same went for reality shows, but on this episode we had poop play and shaving. What's next, you ask?

This is getting inserted somewhere, but I won't say where. You'll just have to tune in next week. Wear your leather.

I knew Nigel had a sense of humor about himself when he came to this season rocking that ridiculous haircut, and this just proves how down to earth he is!

I'm sorry, did I say "down to earth?" I meant "smug, slightly creepy and entirely lecherous." He is awfully into his own shaved head and his, "Aren't I sexy all over again?" wink proves it. Ugh, here half-buzzed Nigel and totally buzzed Nigel...

You deserve each other.

I feel like I bought potatoes from this person before.

I guess I should spend a second on the most uneventful makeovers in the history of America's Next Top Model.

They made Bre into Sundai. This concludes my second on the most uneventful makeovers in the history of America's Next Top Model.

But they did, true to form, produce tears!

Season 17 rolling Crying Count:

4. Alexandria

I think these are the first happy makeover tears in the history of America's Next Top Model, but I'm no expert. Anyway, my interpretation of this is: drugs, like I said. She was way too pleased to look like one of those weird temporary friends of your mom who's a babysitter despite being several decades out of junior high. Get it together, haircut!

5. Bre

This is a weird thing to sound surprised about in a public bathroom.

And speaking of saying things, I want to devote the remainder of the recap to funny things said on the show this week because there were so many funny things said on the show this week. Jesus, is this show America's next top quote factory or what?

We'll start with the best thing I've heard all month:

Bianca: "Weave is tacky and you are tacky, so you are weave. I am extensions."

This makes me squeal inside. It's my new Twitter bio, for real. I don't even know what to do with myself after hearing that. I feel alive.

(Also, is this even true? I thought it was the other way around, but again: I'm no expert.)

Bianca: "Put the caution around my bed, because I'm about to go off!"

I think the incoherence of this (as if police tape could ever could Bianca back!) proves that she's already going off. Episode 2. What a pro. Up with fun bitches, down with bit--...well, I actually like bitchy bitches, too. Everybody wins as long as they're rancid!

Laura: "How do you make a hot dog gay and lesbian and free?"

I would have a boy fellate it, and then place it in a strap-on harness on the ground and then stick a bottle rocket in one end and then light the bottle rocket. But this is just off the top of my head and since she asked.

Dominique:

She says this while wearing a turban. She might not look stupid, but she does look like Gloria Fucking Swanson.

Isis: "Jesus is my daddy."

I feel like there's a reference here that I'm missing, so I'll just take this at face value and use it as an explanation as to how Christianity can be considered monotheism. (The son, it turns out, is the father. I think that's also the twist of Empire Strikes Back if you watch it right after The Phantom Menace?)

Bre: "The only way that I can really own being a girlfriend is if I'm a girlfriend to myself."

That is some remainder-bin Iyanla Vanzant bullshit.

Bre: "I'm a little more reserved in a lot of different ways now."

That sounds moderately reserved to me! That's a good 25. I'm assuming this only goes for when she's not at rage, though.

Poor mopey, Bre. Maybe she should raid Alexandria's stash?

Alexandria: "My fans think I'm annoying."

(Psst. They aren't your fans.)

Alexandria: "I'm a misunderstood star."

(Psst. That wipe just mocked you.)

Kayla: "I need to sleep on the word 'free.'"

WHY? DOES THE WORD 'FREE' HAVE A VAGINA?

Camille: "For me, someone who hasn't eaten a hot dog in 20 years, it was just a little difficult. But it's something that Laura lives and breathes everyday. Like, she coulda stayed there and ate 15 more hot dogs and been happy with it."

Translation: "You're hot dog. I'm not eating."

Nigel: "[She's] not unexpected. She's expected."

Translation: "All this hair is impeding my processing. Shave me Tyra, would you?"

Jay Manuel: "This is no ordinary hot dog."

And now, whenever I hear Sade's "No Ordinary Love," here is how it will play in my head. And that will make me do this:

Comments

[HIDDENFAIRY]

Am I the only one who thinks this show has gone ape shit crazy?!

[Brent]

I totally get not wanting to recap ANTM for as long as you (and Tyra) both shall live. Because you know her vapid ass WILL outlast you. But when I heard ANTM was all-starring this season, I came here hoping and praying you weren't going to stay away. Thank you for making me laugh outloud like I have for years reading your recaps before.

Also, I'm kind of bummed Dominique has all her teeth. At least she still has her unique bone structure/drag face/all-this/pretty.

[Natasha]

omg your back yay!!!
i was over at rtv games & saw that gif of Isis & instantly thought
!!!PRETTY PARTY!!!
& wouldnt u know it your back
your my weekly high
seriously love your hard work
very funny
love love love love love!!!
im surprised u had nothing to say about Ashlee Simpson but ohwell
glad your back :)

[estebanito]

I want you to know that I have officially stopped watching ANTM after this episode. Hot dogs? really? branding? Sheena sent home after Brittany sent home????? Eff'ing ridiculous. I'm done. Fuck Tyra Banks. I may, however, tune into your blog, because quite honestly, this is the only thing interesting about that show nowadays.

[Susan]

Actually had tears from laughing, without the Alexandria drugs. Thank you, thank you. Brilliant recap. Can't wait to see what they are going to do next. So glad you have returned to document this train wreck.

[taylor]

fun playalong-at-home game: watch the episode and whenever shannon pops up, pretend she is stoned out of her mind. she suddenly makes much more sense.

[ya]

thank you rich!
love your gifs as always especially Dobby imitating polandria and the photo of the nice crops lady <3 <3 <3 isnt she actually the new mrs. potatoehead of the 21 century herself?
i love how sheenas look in your gif is so disneys mulan meets the hippos in tutus from fantasia. if she would have done that more shed probably be still on tv..

god i wish i would drive to amphetown with polandria right now.. :D

[Syrax]

I think he meant "Volvo" with the safety thing. When I think of safety I think of bullet-proof vest but I used to be a cop...

[Lilyana]

Lisa = Woody Harrelson

[adam]

Best. Recap. In. The. History. Of. Fourfour.

[Sam]

This season is as excellent as a train wreck. I love it, though. I'm so glad you're recapping it! Thank you, thank you!

I totally thought "Oh, this is _so_ going to be on Rich's recap" when Bre said that line about putting the caution around her bed. What the hell does that even mean???

[MJ]

Is it just me that kind of liked Bre's hair? It was better than the mum hair she was sporting in the first episode anyway. I also thought it was really funny how Kayla could not seem to grasp the word 'free' at all. I mean, obviously most of those branding words were fucking stupid, but I seem to remember Kayla had 'free' written on her neck in that power word photoshoot and all the judges fawned over her photo.

I'm gutted Sheena went home and am starting to see a recurring pattern in the most awesome girls being sent home. However, having a photoshoot where the girls fellate hot dogs does just indicate how much of a hot mess this show is becoming, so I'm still watching.

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=903200252]

Potatoes...haha

[Sonja]

I have so missed your commentaries. Part of the fun I have in watching the episodes is in picking out the gifable moments.

That odd Tyra jaw-waggling laugh was just a given

[AnaBe]

Bre looks like the guy who played Michael on Lost. Go take a good look at Baz Luhrman's Romeo and Juliet if you don't believe me. "Young hearts, run free..."

And that hot dog picture of Isis was beyond hilarious in a Freudian sort of way...

[acolyte]

i tittered with glee when i saw pinks! (which has really nasty/good nasty hot dogs, btw). i'm so happy you're back on the antm train, i could titter again.

[Melanie]

Thank you for recapping this cycle! I hoped you'd come out of ANTM-retirement for this one and you did! I lol'd so many times just reading your recap, I scared my cat away. You and your gifs are brilliant. :)

[Robert]

Sundai makeover? I thought Furonda. http://www.bigbtv.com/Images/RealityTV/AmericasTopModel/AmericasTopModel6/cast/Furonda.jpg

[Nina]

I understood why you stopped recapping ANTM, though that didn't keep me from thinking "Rich would gif that!" during particularly absurd moments in the last cycle and then getting a little sad. It's so good to have you back for this one!

It occurred to me that since Tyra said this brand guru works with her, we were probably just introduced to the man who coined "smize" and "Ty-over" and the other ANTM vocabulary we love to mock. At the very least, this must have been the guy who led her in that direction.

I don't know whether to him send him flowers or put him in a cage match against whoever decided Jessie J should wear all those skintight bodysuits.

[emily]

So glad you're recapping this show again!!!

[Vanessa M]

Do you remember when Nigel was sorta kinda likable? He just gets creepier and muggier every cycle.

There are many recappers these days as you once said but none approach your way with gifs, so bless you for the one of Tyra eating her own face. What the fuck is Allison doing in those credits?

This show is ass. I'm so embarrassed to be watching again. But I'm glad you got the band back together, Rich!

[Susa]

Thanks for the recap! As always you manage to point out all of the most embarassing, hilarious and dumb moments. (I was misssing the recaps when you weren't doing them, so I'm glad they're back!)

[Hänni]

You had me from "The best of the best got their start with wieners in their mouths."

[chandie]

I wanted to grab my TV and shake it. "THERE'S FOOD IN HER MOUTH! TOP MODELS DO NOT SHOW A-B-C FOOD!" How did the entire panel agree on this?

Alexandria's new look is Courtney Love all the way. Her attitude about it turned her into a cracked-out Courtney Love. (The best kind of CL.) I hope all of the alcoholics from seasons past get her drunk A LOT. I want to see full-blown Alexandria Love.

[bert]

Oh I'm so glad I wasn't the only one not getting the branding bullshit. I thought it might be because I'm not American, but I was still confused as fuck about the "obvious" cowboys and safety cars.

I feel like this show has nowhere to go after this cycle, so they're just goofing off. The product placements/sponsorships/whatever also seem tackier than ever. Hot dogs!