Do model with food in your mouth

On this show, this is considered ideal:

Literally, a shot of someone showing you the half-chewed food in her mouth was deemed this week's best photo.

I love this show. SO MUCH!!!!

This week was all about branding, which had two results: 1) Placing these women in even smaller boxes, so that the "larger-than-life versions" of their ANTM personas (not saying "personae," like I'm typing this with a quill, reeking of ambergris, sorry) were even further reduced to a single, vague word, and 2) Posing with hot dogs, because that is exactly the first stop on the brand train. It goes hot dogs to fragrance to empire. The best of the best got their start with wieners in their mouths.

And so, for your pleasure, some of the visual highlights of grown women being made to pose with hot dogs:

Hot dogs! I feel like I dreamed this shit!

The photographer said something about Alexandria giving off "glamour with bacon." I can assure you there is no such thing. Miss Piggy has come closest to giving that, and Alexandria is no Miss Piggy! Alexandria is Cameron Diaz with pork byproduct, at best.

This picture reads as symbolism.

"She's so refined and beautiful," Jay said of that picture. It really is a dignified pose with a hot dog bun. It's on a beige-label Goya level.

This just looks like scat play. I think Laura got "lovable" (her "brand") mixed up with "scatological" again! Whatever, Nigel was into it ("Lustable!"), so that just goes to show what he's into, not that I couldn't have guessed by his typically smug grin. (You might even call it "shit-eating.")

That's OK. Happens to the best of us. Better on TV than in a public restroom.

And speaking of shit-smearing:

How 'bout that new intro?

Ugh, worst.

"Want some?" Um, no thanks. I'm not into shit or eczema or body lice or whatever you just wiped off your face and then offered me. I don't even care if it's semen, NOT INTERESTED.

I do like that this is something that actually played out on the show:

Very prescient/staged.

When Sheena and Kayla ended up in the Bottom 2, I knew our non-hoochie from Harlem was going home. Another week, another girl brimming with personality that could have really facilitated this show's absurdity from the ground is sent home. To be fair, Sheena did seem restrained this time around. She was virtually de-Sheenafied in the brief time she spent on this cycle. I'm not sure what's up with that, whether it was editing or post-reality restraint or reverence. ("I came here to show my respect to the fans," she said after she was eliminated, as though we're dead. No, silly! Just our souls and brains!) From what we saw, I give Sheena's performance this rating:

I don't know, perhaps I will have her over to my apartment some time soon and we can discuss what went wrong in this crazy, upside down world of all-stars programming. Stay tuned!

I just want to talk a little more about the branding thing.

I read this as "touch," which is a weird brand to have, unless you're looking to unseat Pedobear. And why would you want to do that, unless you're jealous over Allison's built-in 4chan branding?

Anyway, I think we all know that most of these girls' brands can be summed up thusly: take work where you can find it. That is why they are here. Duh.

And this guy who advised them, whatever his name is (I can't remember -- must not have a strong enough brand), was like Jeanette Winterson meets Simon Doonan meets an iPad. That's his real brand. What the fuck was he even talking about?

"If I say 'cowboy,' I'm sure you think about a certain tobacco brand, right?" No. Frankly, the first thing that comes to mind is Heath Ledger using spit for lube on Jake Gyllenhaal's ass, but I realize that's just me.

"Even if I said 'safety,' you would think about a certain car brand." No really, what is he talking about? Is Mercedes German for "safenügen?" Is he referring to the brand of car known as Ambulance? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GUY TALKING ABOUT?

I hate the idea of branding. I hate that people refer to themselves as brands. It's a whoriness far worse than actual whoriness (for the record, I have no problem with actual whoriness). It's a disembodied whoriness that scatters your genitals into the wind and pools all of your crap in one big compost heap. A brand drives people to churn out things the world never wanted and certainly doesn't need like, oh, I don't know, a miserable 600-page, virtually incoherent young adult novel that was positioned as a launching pad for an amusement park two months before it was published.

Who could I possibly be talking about?

(This is my favorite kind of Tyra gif, btw.)

I realize that I will never be a millionaire as a result of my hatred of branding (among reasons!) and I am fine with that. The world is a better place without my Modelland.

And what was up with that survey that supposedly asked "all the fans" what they thought of these girls? I don't remember seeing anything in my inbox and I have opinions! Is Lisa trustworthy? Is anyone on this show (especially Jeanette "iPad" Doonan)? The only thing I'd trust a TV personality to do is trample my body as they're stepping over me to get into a branding seminar. Just kidding. People on reality TV don't attend seminars.

I love that Kayla said that what made her different from the other girls was "LGBT." As if Isis isn't carrying the entire weight of the T on her nether region/hot dog bun! And as if half of these girls wouldn't go wild for a few eyeballs and a buffet voucher.

And then, that technological branding imp told Kayla that being gay was so five years ago! Let me guess: he's a condescending eunuch. New, exciting sexes: there's an app for that. He also pronounced the word "annoying" like "annoring," which is about the most annoring thing a person can do.

Anyway, I like that Isis has a little more zazz this time around.

Definitely makes her less of a token/"inspiration."

...and that is a good thing. I'm not here to make role models.

Meanwhile, I like that Alexandria has more...

...Novocaine (...? Laughing gas? Oxycontin?) this time around. She looks like she could drool at any moment. Drugs or ironically Pavlovian response to Pink's dogs? You decide!

No Tyraisms this week. Sorry, I was way too distracted by her fetish play.

You know, oftentimes, as a person gets older, he or she gets kinkier. I did not realize the same went for reality shows, but on this episode we had poop play and shaving. What's next, you ask?

This is getting inserted somewhere, but I won't say where. You'll just have to tune in next week. Wear your leather.

I knew Nigel had a sense of humor about himself when he came to this season rocking that ridiculous haircut, and this just proves how down to earth he is!

I'm sorry, did I say "down to earth?" I meant "smug, slightly creepy and entirely lecherous." He is awfully into his own shaved head and his, "Aren't I sexy all over again?" wink proves it. Ugh, here half-buzzed Nigel and totally buzzed Nigel...

You deserve each other.

I feel like I bought potatoes from this person before.

I guess I should spend a second on the most uneventful makeovers in the history of America's Next Top Model.

They made Bre into Sundai. This concludes my second on the most uneventful makeovers in the history of America's Next Top Model.

But they did, true to form, produce tears!

Season 17 rolling Crying Count:

4. Alexandria

I think these are the first happy makeover tears in the history of America's Next Top Model, but I'm no expert. Anyway, my interpretation of this is: drugs, like I said. She was way too pleased to look like one of those weird temporary friends of your mom who's a babysitter despite being several decades out of junior high. Get it together, haircut!

5. Bre

This is a weird thing to sound surprised about in a public bathroom.

And speaking of saying things, I want to devote the remainder of the recap to funny things said on the show this week because there were so many funny things said on the show this week. Jesus, is this show America's next top quote factory or what?

We'll start with the best thing I've heard all month:

Bianca: "Weave is tacky and you are tacky, so you are weave. I am extensions."

This makes me squeal inside. It's my new Twitter bio, for real. I don't even know what to do with myself after hearing that. I feel alive.

(Also, is this even true? I thought it was the other way around, but again: I'm no expert.)

Bianca: "Put the caution around my bed, because I'm about to go off!"

I think the incoherence of this (as if police tape could ever could Bianca back!) proves that she's already going off. Episode 2. What a pro. Up with fun bitches, down with bit--...well, I actually like bitchy bitches, too. Everybody wins as long as they're rancid!

Laura: "How do you make a hot dog gay and lesbian and free?"

I would have a boy fellate it, and then place it in a strap-on harness on the ground and then stick a bottle rocket in one end and then light the bottle rocket. But this is just off the top of my head and since she asked.

Dominique:

She says this while wearing a turban. She might not look stupid, but she does look like Gloria Fucking Swanson.

Isis: "Jesus is my daddy."

I feel like there's a reference here that I'm missing, so I'll just take this at face value and use it as an explanation as to how Christianity can be considered monotheism. (The son, it turns out, is the father. I think that's also the twist of Empire Strikes Back if you watch it right after The Phantom Menace?)

Bre: "The only way that I can really own being a girlfriend is if I'm a girlfriend to myself."

That is some remainder-bin Iyanla Vanzant bullshit.

Bre: "I'm a little more reserved in a lot of different ways now."

That sounds moderately reserved to me! That's a good 25. I'm assuming this only goes for when she's not at rage, though.

Poor mopey, Bre. Maybe she should raid Alexandria's stash?

Alexandria: "My fans think I'm annoying."

(Psst. They aren't your fans.)

Alexandria: "I'm a misunderstood star."

(Psst. That wipe just mocked you.)

Kayla: "I need to sleep on the word 'free.'"

WHY? DOES THE WORD 'FREE' HAVE A VAGINA?

Camille: "For me, someone who hasn't eaten a hot dog in 20 years, it was just a little difficult. But it's something that Laura lives and breathes everyday. Like, she coulda stayed there and ate 15 more hot dogs and been happy with it."

Translation: "You're hot dog. I'm not eating."

Nigel: "[She's] not unexpected. She's expected."

Translation: "All this hair is impeding my processing. Shave me Tyra, would you?"

Jay Manuel: "This is no ordinary hot dog."

And now, whenever I hear Sade's "No Ordinary Love," here is how it will play in my head. And that will make me do this:

Comments

[Jessica]

Bianca had the only cute picture of the (awful, terrible, disgusting) bunch. I couldn't believe they were being ENCOURAGED to rub food on themselves. Eck.

[Melissa]

Still sooo happy you're back!
Melissa

[marion rosenfeld]

HAHAHAHAHAH!

Catharsis! Thank you, Rich, I needed this.

This week's recap has reached previously unheard of levels of hilarity!

The build-up then... Boom! Nigel bit and from there on down.

Have actual tears of laughter squirting out my eyes. Repeatedly.

[Juveneu]

My teacher mentioned something about foam balls, but i don't know how to label a foam ball! I also saw this model with food, but i don't think that's what she had in mind.

[steph]

I thought for sure you'd comment on how coked-out Ashlee Simpson appeared.

[Amy S.]

That gif of Isis in the confessional immediately put this image in my mind:

http://www.zonacharrua.com/muj/i.ytimg.com/vi/j0DiLneJtOU/hqdefault.jpg

[TropiCarla]

SO. HAPPY. THESE. RECAPS. ARE. BACK!
Long live Rich!

[laura]

Today I learned what the word "ambergris" means...where did you get such an obscure and specific term??? I love it.

[Max]

Rich, this is one of your best.

I was on life-support from last week then died quickly about two gifs into it. DNR.

[raymes]

i am gunning for alexandria cos she looks like a vintage baby doll head and the masses can't handle her quirk

[El Prismo]

As for Kayla's desire to represent the LGBT community, a hot dog without a sausage would have done the job.

[Buy mobile phones]

hey thats an nice way of advertising but it is little bit extra

[Ellie]

Oh GOD Rich I am so happy to have you back in my ANTM life! I missed you so much the past season(s?), but every episode I watched, knowing you wouldn't be recapping it, I took solace in the fact that you could just watch the show and enjoy all it's ridiculousness without having to worry about rehashing it all over again for our entertainment. But I knew you would come back out of the ANTM recap closet for the All Stars shenanigans! If for nothing else but Sheena! Thanks a million, I hope you know how much we appreciate all the time you invest in this, and I hope you think that all our snorts and giggles are worth it! Much love to you!

[Meg]

OMG more recaps. The baby Jesus weeps with joy! LOVE it. Can't wait for more and what you have to say about the bowl on Isis' head that she wore to elimination.

[supra shoes for men]

have a nice day

[Taylor Grace]

Rich, if you (and ONLY you!) wrote _Model Land_, I would freaking read it.

[pc error]

I like that too. good clip, yes, there should be a recap.