Signature walk your ass out of here

For shame! All that rouge and nowhere to go.

So, that's that. Camille leaves. Like so many of these girls, she was a shell of her former self. She was not a signature walk; she was a limp. Really, this is just putting her out of her misery and into...

...more misery. Someone sent her a box of bills? That she also referred to as "work"? I guess writing checks is work? It's definitely annoying. It's kind of to today's society what using a washboard was to people in the '80s. Also, did she bring her checkbook to ANTM? If so that's a) weird and b) necessary if someone's going to mail you a big box of bills. I'm sorry, why is someone mailing her a big box of bills? You're on reality TV, Camille! Now's your time to become a deadbeat! God, she really did it wrong this time.

Also, she said on Twitter last night, "I gotta make $22,000 a month economy is not the same ... Ya feel me got grown women responsibilities .." That sounds like grown small business responsibilities. Is Camille a pop-up boutique masquerading as a girl? That would explain the dead eyes, at least.

I loved three things about her elimination (besides its mercy).

1. Tyra said, "You still have a platform!" Except, of course, she doesn't anymore.

2. And then Tyra did this:

I believe that's the universal gesture for "empathy." This show is all about making the abstract concrete!

3. And then Camille said, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." Except she just did that, too. And then she didn't succeed. Again.

With that out of the way, let's talk about what's on everyone's mind: Neosporin.

The CSI acting challenge was, like most reality TV challenges, setting its competitors up to fail.

Granted, anyone who's been to a fifth grade health class, watched an episode of Breaking Bad and rifled through your mess of a cousin's medicine cabinet should have been familiar with those terms. Also, contrary to Kayla's claims, they are not longer than anyone's face, unless the script that they received was in large-print form. Considering the girls' ages, maybe it was, just to be safe. Maybe Kayla's right, after all.

But obviously "gas chromatograph mass-spectrometer" was meant to throw them off and so it did -- gloriously so in the case of Dominique "Mass Grass Mass" Reighard. Mass Grass Mass sounds like a ritual in The Wicker Man. This makes a lot of sense, seeing as everyone on this show is raving mad!

Honorable mention for misspoken line goes to Laura for "barbrotonicals." That word doesn't make sense...yet. Something tells me that Wanda Sue has a patent pending and it will all be revealed in time.

Wanda Sue aside:

This is good, right? I don't know anything about this shit (that has never stopped me!), but I feel like the biggest progression this cycle has illustrated (besides some contestants' long descent into catatonia) is Wanda Sue's evolution as a seamstress. It's tasteful and it fits Laura really well. That is all. Wanda Sue is the best non-speaking presence on this show since Cousin It.

Returning to the CSI challenge:

I thought Anthony E. Zuiker was great! He seemed to enjoy the girls' fuck-ups like a real ANTM fan, and then proved it that much more when he said, "Angelea reminds me of why I watch the show. The show for me isn't necessarily about beauty, it's about character. Angelea has the strongest character of all the women I've met."

Ha, yes! Exactly! That is why she should win! Tyra went on to be like, "Look at her cheekbones! And her beauty!" Haha, we can't hear you, lady. Your guest just read your show in a few sentences better than you do in cycles! I can't even believe they left that in.

Angelea, by the way, is obviously amazing. We know this. I feel it is my life's work to remind you in this space. (I am in deep negotiations with loved ones and therapists about my priorities.) Now granted, what we see is out of order, and she could have been emboldened by Zuiker's praise in the interviews that followed (except I don't think Angelea needs anything but consciousness to be emboldened and I wouldn't be surprised to hear that she's a sleep-kicker, either), but here's how the bit of Angelexcellece I'm referring to went down:

Before the challenge: "I got the most talent up in this bitch, let me tell you! I sing! I act! I model! The fans love me! Everybody love me! I look good!"

If you want a snapshot of the psyche fueled on reality TV's false promises, there it is. Also, she should have said that she's a poet because there was an elegance to her rhythm here. Also, I can't wait to hear her sing.

During the challenge, after Zuiker praised her/twisted her head around by telling her that she could win the challenge:

"Who meeeeee?" I don't know, her scene study was...kinda meh (I love that so little faith is placed on craft that the true determining factor was whether or not they could say the words in the script properly), but her performance here? First rate. Give Angelea all the Emmys.

After the challenge: "Angelea got skills!" I wonder if Zuiker saw that and was subsequently impressed by her performance in the gif above. Might be cause for casting, after all?

Another Twitter aside (and it won't be the last): Over the weekend, Angela tweeted, "I'm very optimistic & EXCITED about this meeting I just had!!! #allsmiles" And so I replied, "Was it with a bank?" And then she replied back, "◄◄◄LMAOOO hehe!!!" And so, the point is, OMG, ANGELEA TWEETED AT ME!!!! No, just kidding. That isn't the point at all. The point is that it seems she has something of a sense of humor about herself, which is endearing and further grounds for me to enjoy her.

And also, she tweeted at me.

Zuiker was not the only one allowed to openly critique this show, by the way. Bianca said, "I really didn't consider my word when I went into the shoot, only because when you go into the real world of modeling, they don't give you a word." SO MUCH WORD ON YOUR WORD WORDS, BIANCA. She's referring, of course, to the designations they were given to exude in their Express shoot: the girlfriend, the flirt, the cool chick and the socialite. This was as reductive as ever, although I did like that Kayla was "the cool chick." Just like Jo Polniaczek was the cool chick, if you know what I mean, and I think you do, because Kayla rarely spends five seconds on screen without mentioning that she's a lesbian or brandishing a rainbow flag or walking a dog.

Anyway, it's really incredible to me what they're allowing on the show by way of criticism. Gone are the days when Tyra's aren't-I-ridiculous-and-aren't-I-even-funnier-for-admitting-as-much-which-is-actually-reasonable-and-not-ridiculous-at-all ridiculousness was the only sign of self-awareness this show had. People are getting in there and they're ripping it apart from the inside out. Bianca, you're still in the running towards becoming America's next top chestburster.

Jay was, of course, appalled by Bianca's experience and claim that she's the only real model on the show. In an interview, he sniped:

"...'cause I haven't seen model this whole competition. Ooh, that was harsh." "You just missed the model boat?" So harsh. What's he going to do next? Hit her with a glove? Powder her extensions?

I feel like Jay's style icons are all the sassy aunts of the world. He's very Attitudes, and I like to think that Linda Dano is the world's sassy aunt.

Meanwhile, these two's style icons are the your mom's sisters of the world:

Like, the one that you have to invite to your wedding/bar mitzvah/funeral who's probably going to pee somewhere other than the bathroom, could be inappropriately sexual and say things to strangers on the dance floor like, "This is a song you gotta put your pussy into!" (this is something a relative of the bride actually said to my friend Kate at a wedding when "Into the Groove" was playing!!!!!), and will definitely eat the most disgusting food from the buffet table (probably egg salad).

This one's style icons are (in order): Liza Minnelli, Larry King, and a camel's foot:

And this one can get it:

Against my better judgement, I'm compelled to him. Every week, I want to go Treasure Island Media on him a little more (if you do not know that reference, it's best that you do not look it up).

I like to make fun of Lisa, but I'll tell you, with her on my TV doing the Roger Rabbit...

...the world doesn't feel as fucked up as it is. This is a return to innocence, and I thank her for sparing me the Enigma.

You know what was the other hilarious thing about this shoot, besides Kayla being this show's answer to Joan Jett?

I guess I missed the model memo when Express became high fashion? I'm pretty sure it's commercial, since I saw a commercial for it prior to this segment. And before that, I saw it between a Yankee Candle and a Foot Action in New Jersey. Nigel said that Shannon's picture "has sort of a corporate element." NO INDIE VIBE, THEN? GEE, IMAGINE THAT. Who the fuck does he think he is, Jade?

Speaking of Nigel and the motif of judgement coming from non-judges, this is how Allison transitioned from listening to Nigel babble on about the "weird disconnect" between her and her pictures to ALT's similarly oblique criticism:

Pretty sure this was a product of editing, as she's too smart to throw shade and if she did that, it would have certainly been detected and handled by calling her "young lady." Regardless, shady is how I like to read it.

Also, here's "weird disconnect" exemplified:

Not quite the one that Nigel was talking about, but a weird disconnect, all the same.

As much as Kayla's cardiac arrhythmia was serious (Bianca says on Twitter, "cardiac arrest," resulting from pills and Red Bull, which is appropriately dramatic for a reality show, while Kayla says "a mini heart attack," which is also clearly not what it was), I couldn't help but be a little amused by Allison's reactions:

Sorry, I just like how woodland-creature she makes peril look.

Also?

I know that Sparah exist on another plane of reality (and I have no idea why they are commenting on the most obvious scenes on a weekly basis), but a health issue is not a "meltdown." And irregular heartbeat is far from "all-star worthy." That doesn't even make sense. If her heart was tooching, maybe. Maybe.

And close your legs, Spencer. Aren't you flat down there, anyway?

At least Kayla's non-meltdown illustrated how fake this show is:

Models don't hug people or eat. What a farce!

Crying:

7. Kayla

8. Camille

9. Camille

Paltry, paltry count this time. They don't cry 'em like they used to. It's worth sticking with just for the sake of contrast!

Pretty good Tyraism: "Lisa left the building and her cousin the excuse monster came in. This is Top Model 17 and you know we don't allow excuses." The second half I agree with -- as soon as Lisa started flapping her lips about the male models' hunger affecting her shoot, I knew she was going to get a talking to. Maybe she was blacked out during the past years of no-excuse lectures? (By the way, has Marla Maples ever been a guest on this show?) But the first half? Excuse monster? Way to pull that one out, Tyra. This is how literature happens guys -- you look to the side, sputter something out and go with it. And now Lisa has a shrub and a monster in her family. That's great. What else? Bubbles, cookies and a filing cabinet. A plate of eggs?

Guys, Lisa's eating her babies.

Oh my god, shut me up.

No wait, three more things.

This is Jane Lynch:

This is what Jocelyne Wildenstein probably was supposed to look like:

This is chaos:

Comments

[Hotlips Houlihan]

soooo glad you are back! you make watching this dreck worth all the wasted, lost hours.

[Hotlips Houlihan]

soooo glad you are back! you make watching this dreck worth all the wasted, lost hours.

[Kay]

fer serious. You recapping makes this show a million tons better. I loved Laura's dance up there

[Ana]

The recaps being back is making this cycle so much better. Also, saw you on a VH1 show about music videos last night and you looked GOOD.

[Jason LeRoy]

Did you notice Tyra actually instructing Lisa to "direct the shoot" when she complained about the complicating factors? My head nearly fell off my shoulders. Of all the contradictory things Tyra has said over the years, this has to be in the top five, especially with Alexandria (perhaps the most frequently scolded shoot-director in the show's history) standing right there.

[Leah C]

Get out of my head, Rich! When they called
Shannon "commercial" I almost spit my merlot out. The only women I see buying Express are receptionists. I can say this as I AM a receptionist. So yeah, they just need to hand this whole bitch to Angelea and walk away. I'd love it if she got her own talk show. Everybody love her.

[Michael]

God the Laura gif bouncing about.. I rewound that 3 times. LOVE HER.

ALSO - just a request, will need a gif of Allison's visual discomfort over two other girls fighting that they teased for next weeks episode. PURE BLISS.

[Sparky]

Dominique is totally a character that Cheri Oteri would have played on SNL. Didn't she have another awesome quote this ep? Will have to re-watch.

[Gin]

I thought Camille referred to the box as "work" because she didn't want the others to know it was bills?
Also, add me to the list of people who nearly did a spit-take when Shannon was called commercial.

[Kupo]

YOU ARE KING OF RECAPPING!!! LOVE IT!!!!!

[Steve-O]

HAHAHAHA Treasure Island Media. You DOG, you! Keep up the good recapping work! Glad you're back. (and judging from the Sheena interview, as handsome as ever.)

[DTS]

Thank you, Rich...for the recap and the Treasure Island tip!

[bloodshothalfblind]

LOL bianca's face in that last gif is pure <3

[hilarityensues]

So, did anyone else notice that in the last segment of calling girls up for their photos, in different close ups of Camille, her lipstick went from bright red to pink 2 times? God, this show. I can't stop.

[YEP]

How do you rewind a gif, Michael?

[FourFour fan]

You can have the hairstylist. I want that cute stocky guy with the mustache and van dyke that's always next to Jay when they're at the photo shoots. I bet you know the one.

[rustyspigot]

Heh. Treasure Island. He's got the name for it, Michael Kanyon. Anyway, he's mine bitch. And I DO work at a bank!

[loopygorilla]

ok rich, i just had to stop reading your recap half way because i couldnt hold out any longer.

I TOO am a fanboy of Angelea! i absolutely love her, bitch i worked at a bank!

LOL @ your tweet to her, hilarious! "was it at a bank?" HAHA

And YES Anthony Zuiker summed up this ENTIRE SHOW! hahaha.

ok more comments later, i gotta keep reading the recaps.

[karen]

Damn, youtube is really cracking down. I can't find the episode :*

[laura]

Seriously who does Express think it is?? Too commercial for Express? Give me a break. And Tyra with her express train...just kill me now lol

[investigatoryjournalist]

I feel like my brain makes a little clicking noise when I watch ANTM in anticipation of the gifs you are capturing for your blog. Think I got them all this time. The last three are priceless, but one of my favorite moments was the one where Alexandria (curiously) responded to her cue on the CSI audition by putting on a weird duck face and putting her hand under her chin.

[Connor]

I'm surprised you didn't mention anything about the reappearance of Dominique's missing tooth. That was the highlight for me.

[M]

HAHAHAHA the Laura dancing gif is amazing! I can't believe I didn't spot it in the show!

So glad you're back with recaps. Love that Sheena's graced your hallowed halls again, too - and I agree I'd like to see Angelea next! She's already tweeted you...

[Vanessa M]

I think I can speak for you and the vast majority of your commentariat (at minimum) when I say that I don't watch CSI but I would have been all up in that shit if it had an Angelea cameo. I was so bummed she didn't get it. I like Bre but cmon-zzzzzzzzzzzz.

It was soul crushing to see Camille this time around, not the girl with the signature walk but a box of "work." (I wondered the same thing-what was she going to do with that shit? Does the Top Model house have Quicken?) I'd like to remember her as the girl who got dogged in her judging challenge for introducing herself as the Top Model winner causing Janice to make one of her best horrified faces.

I didn't watch Alexandria's cycle and she's so quiet this cycle I have no opinion of her but I did like her picture. Is she doing the robot?

Bianca's face in that last gif is magical.

Damn, Anthony Zuiker. Put on your reading glasses, the library is open (watching way too many RPDR reruns these days...)

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000162667103]

THANK YOU for the model boat gif. That plus Laura's little bouncy dance just made my day.