Signature walk your ass out of here

For shame! All that rouge and nowhere to go.

So, that's that. Camille leaves. Like so many of these girls, she was a shell of her former self. She was not a signature walk; she was a limp. Really, this is just putting her out of her misery and into...

...more misery. Someone sent her a box of bills? That she also referred to as "work"? I guess writing checks is work? It's definitely annoying. It's kind of to today's society what using a washboard was to people in the '80s. Also, did she bring her checkbook to ANTM? If so that's a) weird and b) necessary if someone's going to mail you a big box of bills. I'm sorry, why is someone mailing her a big box of bills? You're on reality TV, Camille! Now's your time to become a deadbeat! God, she really did it wrong this time.

Also, she said on Twitter last night, "I gotta make $22,000 a month economy is not the same ... Ya feel me got grown women responsibilities .." That sounds like grown small business responsibilities. Is Camille a pop-up boutique masquerading as a girl? That would explain the dead eyes, at least.

I loved three things about her elimination (besides its mercy).

1. Tyra said, "You still have a platform!" Except, of course, she doesn't anymore.

2. And then Tyra did this:

I believe that's the universal gesture for "empathy." This show is all about making the abstract concrete!

3. And then Camille said, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." Except she just did that, too. And then she didn't succeed. Again.

With that out of the way, let's talk about what's on everyone's mind: Neosporin.

The CSI acting challenge was, like most reality TV challenges, setting its competitors up to fail.

Granted, anyone who's been to a fifth grade health class, watched an episode of Breaking Bad and rifled through your mess of a cousin's medicine cabinet should have been familiar with those terms. Also, contrary to Kayla's claims, they are not longer than anyone's face, unless the script that they received was in large-print form. Considering the girls' ages, maybe it was, just to be safe. Maybe Kayla's right, after all.

But obviously "gas chromatograph mass-spectrometer" was meant to throw them off and so it did -- gloriously so in the case of Dominique "Mass Grass Mass" Reighard. Mass Grass Mass sounds like a ritual in The Wicker Man. This makes a lot of sense, seeing as everyone on this show is raving mad!

Honorable mention for misspoken line goes to Laura for "barbrotonicals." That word doesn't make sense...yet. Something tells me that Wanda Sue has a patent pending and it will all be revealed in time.

Wanda Sue aside:

This is good, right? I don't know anything about this shit (that has never stopped me!), but I feel like the biggest progression this cycle has illustrated (besides some contestants' long descent into catatonia) is Wanda Sue's evolution as a seamstress. It's tasteful and it fits Laura really well. That is all. Wanda Sue is the best non-speaking presence on this show since Cousin It.

Returning to the CSI challenge:

I thought Anthony E. Zuiker was great! He seemed to enjoy the girls' fuck-ups like a real ANTM fan, and then proved it that much more when he said, "Angelea reminds me of why I watch the show. The show for me isn't necessarily about beauty, it's about character. Angelea has the strongest character of all the women I've met."

Ha, yes! Exactly! That is why she should win! Tyra went on to be like, "Look at her cheekbones! And her beauty!" Haha, we can't hear you, lady. Your guest just read your show in a few sentences better than you do in cycles! I can't even believe they left that in.

Angelea, by the way, is obviously amazing. We know this. I feel it is my life's work to remind you in this space. (I am in deep negotiations with loved ones and therapists about my priorities.) Now granted, what we see is out of order, and she could have been emboldened by Zuiker's praise in the interviews that followed (except I don't think Angelea needs anything but consciousness to be emboldened and I wouldn't be surprised to hear that she's a sleep-kicker, either), but here's how the bit of Angelexcellece I'm referring to went down:

Before the challenge: "I got the most talent up in this bitch, let me tell you! I sing! I act! I model! The fans love me! Everybody love me! I look good!"

If you want a snapshot of the psyche fueled on reality TV's false promises, there it is. Also, she should have said that she's a poet because there was an elegance to her rhythm here. Also, I can't wait to hear her sing.

During the challenge, after Zuiker praised her/twisted her head around by telling her that she could win the challenge:

"Who meeeeee?" I don't know, her scene study was...kinda meh (I love that so little faith is placed on craft that the true determining factor was whether or not they could say the words in the script properly), but her performance here? First rate. Give Angelea all the Emmys.

After the challenge: "Angelea got skills!" I wonder if Zuiker saw that and was subsequently impressed by her performance in the gif above. Might be cause for casting, after all?

Another Twitter aside (and it won't be the last): Over the weekend, Angela tweeted, "I'm very optimistic & EXCITED about this meeting I just had!!! #allsmiles" And so I replied, "Was it with a bank?" And then she replied back, "◄◄◄LMAOOO hehe!!!" And so, the point is, OMG, ANGELEA TWEETED AT ME!!!! No, just kidding. That isn't the point at all. The point is that it seems she has something of a sense of humor about herself, which is endearing and further grounds for me to enjoy her.

And also, she tweeted at me.

Zuiker was not the only one allowed to openly critique this show, by the way. Bianca said, "I really didn't consider my word when I went into the shoot, only because when you go into the real world of modeling, they don't give you a word." SO MUCH WORD ON YOUR WORD WORDS, BIANCA. She's referring, of course, to the designations they were given to exude in their Express shoot: the girlfriend, the flirt, the cool chick and the socialite. This was as reductive as ever, although I did like that Kayla was "the cool chick." Just like Jo Polniaczek was the cool chick, if you know what I mean, and I think you do, because Kayla rarely spends five seconds on screen without mentioning that she's a lesbian or brandishing a rainbow flag or walking a dog.

Anyway, it's really incredible to me what they're allowing on the show by way of criticism. Gone are the days when Tyra's aren't-I-ridiculous-and-aren't-I-even-funnier-for-admitting-as-much-which-is-actually-reasonable-and-not-ridiculous-at-all ridiculousness was the only sign of self-awareness this show had. People are getting in there and they're ripping it apart from the inside out. Bianca, you're still in the running towards becoming America's next top chestburster.

Jay was, of course, appalled by Bianca's experience and claim that she's the only real model on the show. In an interview, he sniped:

"...'cause I haven't seen model this whole competition. Ooh, that was harsh." "You just missed the model boat?" So harsh. What's he going to do next? Hit her with a glove? Powder her extensions?

I feel like Jay's style icons are all the sassy aunts of the world. He's very Attitudes, and I like to think that Linda Dano is the world's sassy aunt.

Meanwhile, these two's style icons are the your mom's sisters of the world:

Like, the one that you have to invite to your wedding/bar mitzvah/funeral who's probably going to pee somewhere other than the bathroom, could be inappropriately sexual and say things to strangers on the dance floor like, "This is a song you gotta put your pussy into!" (this is something a relative of the bride actually said to my friend Kate at a wedding when "Into the Groove" was playing!!!!!), and will definitely eat the most disgusting food from the buffet table (probably egg salad).

This one's style icons are (in order): Liza Minnelli, Larry King, and a camel's foot:

And this one can get it:

Against my better judgement, I'm compelled to him. Every week, I want to go Treasure Island Media on him a little more (if you do not know that reference, it's best that you do not look it up).

I like to make fun of Lisa, but I'll tell you, with her on my TV doing the Roger Rabbit...

...the world doesn't feel as fucked up as it is. This is a return to innocence, and I thank her for sparing me the Enigma.

You know what was the other hilarious thing about this shoot, besides Kayla being this show's answer to Joan Jett?

I guess I missed the model memo when Express became high fashion? I'm pretty sure it's commercial, since I saw a commercial for it prior to this segment. And before that, I saw it between a Yankee Candle and a Foot Action in New Jersey. Nigel said that Shannon's picture "has sort of a corporate element." NO INDIE VIBE, THEN? GEE, IMAGINE THAT. Who the fuck does he think he is, Jade?

Speaking of Nigel and the motif of judgement coming from non-judges, this is how Allison transitioned from listening to Nigel babble on about the "weird disconnect" between her and her pictures to ALT's similarly oblique criticism:

Pretty sure this was a product of editing, as she's too smart to throw shade and if she did that, it would have certainly been detected and handled by calling her "young lady." Regardless, shady is how I like to read it.

Also, here's "weird disconnect" exemplified:

Not quite the one that Nigel was talking about, but a weird disconnect, all the same.

As much as Kayla's cardiac arrhythmia was serious (Bianca says on Twitter, "cardiac arrest," resulting from pills and Red Bull, which is appropriately dramatic for a reality show, while Kayla says "a mini heart attack," which is also clearly not what it was), I couldn't help but be a little amused by Allison's reactions:

Sorry, I just like how woodland-creature she makes peril look.

Also?

I know that Sparah exist on another plane of reality (and I have no idea why they are commenting on the most obvious scenes on a weekly basis), but a health issue is not a "meltdown." And irregular heartbeat is far from "all-star worthy." That doesn't even make sense. If her heart was tooching, maybe. Maybe.

And close your legs, Spencer. Aren't you flat down there, anyway?

At least Kayla's non-meltdown illustrated how fake this show is:

Models don't hug people or eat. What a farce!

Crying:

7. Kayla

8. Camille

9. Camille

Paltry, paltry count this time. They don't cry 'em like they used to. It's worth sticking with just for the sake of contrast!

Pretty good Tyraism: "Lisa left the building and her cousin the excuse monster came in. This is Top Model 17 and you know we don't allow excuses." The second half I agree with -- as soon as Lisa started flapping her lips about the male models' hunger affecting her shoot, I knew she was going to get a talking to. Maybe she was blacked out during the past years of no-excuse lectures? (By the way, has Marla Maples ever been a guest on this show?) But the first half? Excuse monster? Way to pull that one out, Tyra. This is how literature happens guys -- you look to the side, sputter something out and go with it. And now Lisa has a shrub and a monster in her family. That's great. What else? Bubbles, cookies and a filing cabinet. A plate of eggs?

Guys, Lisa's eating her babies.

Oh my god, shut me up.

No wait, three more things.

This is Jane Lynch:

This is what Jocelyne Wildenstein probably was supposed to look like:

This is chaos:

Comments

[Ben]

I really did not expect this to be the case, but Angelea is kind of the queen of the All-Star cycle. I'm shocked at how genuinely excited I am to watch her on TV. I probably need to schedule some therapy sessions soon.

[lolakay]

That is a huge insult to Jane Lynch.

I wish Laura were the lesbian because I'm a little in love with her.

[Debbie Moore]

I watched last weeks episode last night before the new one.....and I noticed Angela had on a dress when the judges commented on her picture and then a black tank top w/black shorts (that she kept picking out of her butt) when she was in the bottom 2, just along the same lines as hilarityensues said about Camille's lipstick change!
I too was surprised when they said Shannon's pic was too commercial? I thought that was what Express was!
Thank you again for the recaps! I almost peed my pants when you said you tweeted Angela "Was it with a bank?" Thanks!

[Everyone]

Just like Jo Polniaczek was the cool chick, if you know what I mean, and I think you do,

Oh yes. I do. Definitely.

[gingerirene]

"This is a song you gotta put your pussy into!" -I actually peed a little when I read this!
Also;your assessment of Dominique and Lisa as
"your mom's sisters of the world"--- CLASSIC!

Thanks for the much-needed laugh!

[Marianne]

I only watch the show so I can follow along with your recap. Love it!

[matthew (hardcore ANTMer)]

Red Bull is dangerous

[Amanda]

A: Nice Marla Maples reference, even though the fact that I remember No Excuses jeans ads makes me feel old.
B: You should know on the couple of occasions when you "tweeted at me" I got a little giddy :)

[yaya]

Alexandria=Hilary Clinton with David Agbodj as Obama in the backround outshining her with his freshness and success.. If anyone is Jane Lynch its Lisa obviously...

btw this sparah couple truly disgusts me. Theyre stupid, S-T-U-P-I-D!

[Craig Turner]

I've been wondering who this "celebrity" couple were for weeks now, so I looked them up. They're apparently two random strangers that Virgin media swept up to promote as a "celebrity couple." The whole "couple" aspect gives me pause. Are they contractually obligated to be romantic? If so, is their comically total lack of chemistry and charisma going to be a problem? Is this a cunningly-designed breeding program for future reality show stars? Is he, God forbid, going to pee on her and make her the next Kardashian? So many questions. :(

[Lucille A. Lias]

"your mom's sisters of the world"--- CLASSIC!
Thanks for the much-needed laugh!
Posted by: gingerirene

I only watch the show so I can follow along with your recap. Love it!
Posted by: Marianne

YES!!! and YES!!!!!!

also

Yaaaay it's Wednesday! haha
which means almost Thursday
fo'fo'-day!*

[Account Deleted]

Thank you so much Rich for recapping again! I so enjoy your posts! I think I look forward to your recaps than the actual show.. :D

[M]

WELCOME BACK!!!! SOOOOOOO Happy!

[Toothy Tile]

Rich and Michael Kanyon? That's a Treasure Island video I'd love to see!

[sfgirl]

holy crap, i thought i was the only 9 year old girl to watch attitudes!!! seriously, thank you rich for again making me feel like my crazy is normal.

[Max]

OMG @ the Treasure Island Media reference. GURRRL. I see it with Michael Kanyon tho. And apparently, upon one quick glance at his facebook photos, he and TyTy are bffs. Good luck trying to get all up in that, TIM-style.

This recap was amazing. And you need to find SOME WAY of interviewing Angelea. This must happen. Perhaps Sheena or Allison can hook you up? In any case, this is my new dream.

[Hänni]

ROFL @ Kayla's "tooch". (That sounds kind of dirty!)

[Phone Sex]

I feel affection for her.

[GirlfromNY]

This makes my life so much less depressing. Thank you for recapping.

[Easter Buffy]

Beggars can't be choosers, and one shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but cliches aside, it would be awesome if you recapped this recent "viral video" episode. Just the title alone - oh, the possibilities in your deft hands.

Although, given that I never thought I would hear your dulcet tones upon the page again, I am pretty happy you're back, even if it is in a modified back.

[iphone battery case]

Thanks for sharing!