Dominated

The beaming smile that follows the word "train wreck" indicates that either Laura is at one with her audience's taste, or that after being fed that line by whomever was interviewing her, she (finally?) got it right. Either way: cute.

And, oh yeah, Dominique was eliminated for, oh yeah, not having enough personality. In the words of Positive K to himself, "We back on that again?!" Ugh, this show isn't trying anymore, so why should I? Blah blah blah wild Tyra faces and attitudinal shade:

Ah, that makes me feel better. (No it doesn't.)

The main event of this episode was tied to the gif posted above: the dogpile on Angelea that occurred as a result of stealing the sausages of stank and despair out of Tyra's drama-lined pockets.

It started out in such good humor, too:

That was Angelea's reaction to Dominique choosing her as the girl among them who doesn't deserve to win. Very ironic that Dominique was the only one who'd answer this question directly (everyone else refused, except for Angelea who stanked, "None of 'em!") since her elimination proved that she was the one among them that didn't deserve to win and that she'd furthermore be indirectly (or directly, who knows) punished for actually participating in a challenge that set everyone up to meltdown. God said, "Ha!" meets, "It's a trap!" It's like the Book of Genesis meets Saw, which is kind of just like the Book of Genesis, period.

Anyway, in the weird peer go-sees, we got to see some fabulously attitudinal walking:

This is what I look like walking the streets of New York (you know, when I'm doing my part-time gig as a street walker) in my own head and sometimes even outwardly. Have you ever tried to flip stubble? It is hard. I am devoted to my craft.

Also, we got to watch the girls try their hands at critiquing their peers. For example, "You were tryin' to give too much attitude to the point where you ended up stumblin'." Trust Angelea, this is a thing. I bet she spent years stumbling in attitude in order to get it right, much like some women take lots of stumbles in order to get their walking in heels right.

And then there was:

"For the first one, I thought your face was just amazin'.But I don't like your legs. Kinda looks like you're fartin'," said Laura about this shot of Dominique, taking a page right out of Tyra's The Gas I Pass: How IBS Fuels My Life and Discourse handbook. While I certainly see where Laura is coming from, the implication that Dominique (or most likely Laura, as she's the one who made the comment) lifts her leg like that while standing to fart is some gutterbutt, Pink Flamingos shit. (Or, not shit, but you know.) Do you think Gramma Wanda Sue sits in a crib all day obsessing about eggs?

By the way, really awesome sound effects after Laura said "fartin'," show. It's that attention to detail that really makes this show, erm, sing.

So anyway, Dominique said Angelea shouldn't win and then Angelea freaked the fuck out and then Laura freaked the fuck out (as did the veins in her neck):

"This is me mad, because you are a beautiful woman! You can sing! You have talent! And you don't! Know it!"

What, no, "I was rooting for you! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!"? What a disappointment, although it wasn't an entirely wasted opportunity. She gets bonus points for mirroring the inflection of another famous reality TV outburst, "It wasn't not funny!" But also, Angelea is well aware of her talent. In fact, she's so hyper aware, she knows about  what would seem utterly undetectable to an outsider. Why, just six episodes, she informed us, "I got the most talent up in this bitch, let me tell you: I sing, I act, I model, fans love me, everybody love me, I look good..." How could Laura have missed the girl who's entirely up her own ass? I mean, I guess you get used to it in that environment, but still! Angelea is the type of person who will literally say something like, "I hear what y'all are saying, but I'm not trying to hear it." (Note: Angelea is a master of repetition, we knew already when she said way back in Cycle 12, by way of Chamillionaire and Lloyd Banks, probably, "This bitch' tryin' ta try me!")

Angelea may need a confidence boost, but that would be beyond Laura's capabilities since Angelea is shining and sailing when it comes to matters that are skin-deep. Maybe next time try uncovering why she crumbles when she's confronted with any kind of hardship or strife and don't do it by yelling at her?

Anyway, this led to tears:

23. Angelea

24. Laura

And Angelea questioning her detractors' professionalism (something she's an expert on, because, as I will gladly remind you whenever I get the opportunity: bitch, she worked at a bank).

But my favorite thing about Angelea's episode, and this one in general, was the reactions is drew out of J. He really rocked that giant napkin holder he's taken to wearing on his head like he has never rocked a thing that also could be a curtain gatherer before:

And if you prefer a larger look...

He's got you, boo. I feel like it's been a rocky road with all of the regulars on this show, but I can say for certain at this point that I fucking love this man*.

(*This love is not unconditional and subject to change whenever I'm feeling cranky and/or gassy.)

And for those who like beards:

I got you, boo, on that one.

I could go on and on, especially if you're into Yorkies.

Anyway, how about this one?

What in the Real Housewives reject hell did she do to land on this show? Girls, take note: this is not what you want to become because your messiness will be censored by the newly sensitive Top Model editors and you'll just kind of end up looking lame and sad instead of the wild time you probably are.

Rimshot!

What else?

Water anxiety.

God, between this and vampire vision, the particularities that make these girls special are getting really obscure. I want something bigger, more overt next time like PTSD or a girl with cripplingly yellow teeth.

THANK YOU, EASTER BUNNY!!!

Here's someone who would have kept her hair that way for the rest of the cycle because the judges liked it that one time:

Here are the words of someone (Lisa) who's never afraid to call the judges out on their shit and (thankfully for us and her) has never been punished for it:

"I think that, um, if there is a bad shot, that you guys might pick that for panel." This is, of course, the perma-reality of this show that's virtually never mentioned. Lisa is a crusader exposing the injustices that are a part of our everyday fabric. Occupy that shit, baby doll. Occupy it fiercely.

Here's someone whose sister "has a bow and arrow and she kills rodents":

Let me guess: Her name is Prim and when she was chosen to come on this show, you valiantly stepped in for her, Katniss, I mean Laura.

Here is someone whose instinct was to turn around squat when approaching this week's shoot:

No leg lifted, though, so everyone was probably spared of the worst-case scenario.

J is someone who thinks that Kewpie dolls are "poopie dolls." I blame the show's pervasive scatology.

Here is someone wincing in pain as a result of her cheekbones attacking her eyeballs:

Here is someone who was way more gracious about leaving this thing that she had to be:

"My journey is obviously something different and I accept that. I'm OK with that," said Dominique on her bullshit elimination. (NOT that I wanted to see Angelea go.) Keep putting yourself out there in the universe. You are the Secret!

Here's a nightmare:

Tyraism of the Week

"You're memorable, but what we also remember is somebody who breaks under pressure and it makes us nervous."

If that makes the judges nervous, it sounds like they're the ones breaking under pressure. Hypocrites!!!

Comments

[Luchozepp]

It's so sad that this show is not as enjoyable as it used to be. At least your recaps are allways from good to great.

[keylimegirl]

I honestly haven't watched in years, but I will always read Rich's recaps!

[Christine]

Did you seriously just make a Hunger Games reference? You are wonderful. That said, let's make ANTM: Hunger Games edition, I will watch that.

Signed,
Capitol Citizen

[cornellflip]

Melywt Repyp is Never Heard Of Her spelled backward.

[jeneria]

This. Was. Awesome.

[laura]

Ugh I really wanted Angelea to be eliminated this episode. I have had enough!

[Mrs. O]

I thought of you the other day, Rich! I was at work, which I unfortunately cannot disclose precisely....I am a manager for a printing company that has many locations. ;)
I was at another center having a meeting with my district manager and several other fellow center managers. The irony was, we were there to basically place judegment on the manager of that particular location's staff members individually.
While I am immersed in trying to act engaged and managerial, I hear two staff members talking softly to each other about who just walked in and sat down at a computer station....
They walked up and asked her, "I'm sorry to bother you but..are you TOCCARA?!?" And sure as hell, it was Miss Toccara Jones. She replied something to the effect of, "Oh, yesssss, girl! I am Toccara!!"
She two girls were squealing to each other with glee. I was all O_O and "what is she doing in South Florida...people only come here to die." (Needless to say, I loathe Florida)
I wanted to go say hello, but I couldn't break away from the boss. Damnit. However, I did tell her to have a nice day as she sashayed her VERY skinny ass out the door.
She was also apparently very nice to all the staff.

[Yasmin]

This episode was full of injustices. From Dom's elimination to the fact that they took the girls to a gorgeous location with a jaw-droppingly beautiful view, dressed them in bright, vivid colors topped with immaculately done, eye-popping makeup ONLY TO PRINT THE PHOTOS IN SEPIA TONE. Whose 'artistic' choice was that!? I don't want to say it's Tyra's fault, but isn't it always. Nothing is allowed to outshine her, including Mother Nature. If Mother Nature wants to appear in Top Model photos, bitch better learn to smize and booty tooch!!

Anyhow, rage aside, thanks for this, Rich.

[M]

The yorkie made me spit up my drink, amazing!

[loopygorilla]

thanks :)

your recaps are funnier than the show.

this show is dying a slow, painful and excrucitiating death.

tyra doesnt even try anymore... a go-see with other contestants? WTF lol

the show had potential to find good models in the USA, i mean ive seeing lots of american girls who are really great models. the most "modelesque" season, was 10, with anya, fatima, and katezryna (i dunno how to spell her name) those three girls are working today, whereas the winner, whitney is probably moonlighting as a anna nicole smith impersonator for children's birthday parties.
no bloody wonder Andre is leaving this show, when he first joined, i thought WOW, fashion cred, but he admitted he had never watched it before lol so i guess he got tricked by tyra.
Anyway, Vogue Italia would probably drop the show as well, when they discover the have to put one of these All stars on their magazine. Just imagine Lisa on vogue italia.
this show along with britain & ireland's next top model are actually bad for the USA/UK because it gives people the impression the girls are haggard looking, ordinary at best. Whereas you watch russia's next top model or australia or new zealand and you see some real potential.

[loopygorilla]

OMG i forgot to thank you for the miss jay photoshop pics lol they were funny

[everlasting_concubine]

Do you think Gramma Wanda Sue sits in a crib all day obsessing about eggs?

Oh mercy, yes.

I am also laughing at the idea of someone hiring an Anna Nicole Smith impersonator for a child's birthday party. Loopygorilla, you are my favorite.

[loopygorilla]

@everlasting_concubine :))))

hugs lol

[loopygorilla]

May i add that our girl Angelea is THE ONLY person to ever be on this show 3 times! or 3 cycles!

She was eliminated as semi-finalist in cycle 12 when she had a fight with Sandra, which is also the season where Alison was the runner up to teyona!

Then she came back in cycle 14 and now All stars!

OMG I'm becoming a ANTM historian... saveee me!

[Abbey]

I used to like the show very much and never missed it but i feel now it has lost its charm.

[Sara]

I assume they just couldn't manage to get anyone to agree to go-sees this cycle. It's too bad because that used to be a pretty interesting aspect of the show ... like, I know the designers were probably paid off and carefully selected, but it was fun to see the models in some tiny way have to be exposed to reality(ish) instead of TyraWorld. This didn't seem even remotely helpful.

[Allen]

LOVE your photoshop and your commentaries!!!

[Jason LeRoy]

Laura's pseudo-uplifting freakout reminded me less of Tyra and more of Ellie Kemper drunkenly scolding Wendi McLendon-Covey on the plane in Bridesmaids. "You are more beautiful then Cinderella! You smell like pine needles, and have a face like sunshine!"

[EasterBuffy]

@ Sara, there are probably no go-sees because there is no modeling contract this cycle. I do agree, though. I totally want to see them get lost in Crete and have Laura say about the signage, "It's all Greek to me." There is still time for hilarity to ensue!

Rich, you are excellent and righteous. Keep up the side splittingly funny commentary. And have a happy Thanksgiving.

[Jodie Whalo]

The photo shoot provided some amusement, but they should've taken it a bit further. I want to see Angelea smizing and booty-tooching while 10 feet in the air on a pole vault!

[garyfembot]

The Middle East and now Greece, notice how revolutions are happening wherever Ty goes?

[Hope]

Thank you for the laugh out loud witticisms. :)
I was rooting for Dom. For reals. But maybe she can have a career still.

[it's all relative]

Rich,
Please remove the fake blood video from you tube.
Thanks,

[Hänni]

From the fighting to the fartin', this was one of the better episodes this season. I loved your hunger games reference--I love Laura, but I still want Allison to win. Least potential to win, my ass.

[Blue Screen]

Thanks for sharing!