Go go go...

I just blew my own mind when I thought about the fact that Alexandria's prescience alone should have kept her around (if nothing else, as a freak who still deserves watching!), except what she was being prescient about by making a song called, "Go Go Go," was that she would be going this week, and had she not gone, she wouldn't have been prescient. This is like one of those Zen riddles like how many babies can you fit into a tire or how much non-singing can you fit into 42 minutes or how many songs you can destroy with something as dumb as "pot ledom."

Right, pot ledom, or humiliation spelled frontwards. This whole week was so bizarre. Having non-singers sing is my favorite type of reality show challenge, because it yields such outsidery, Shaggs-y results. It's basically an ESL sensibility set to music and I love ESL sensibilities! Imagine my surprise then, when everyone's song was passable with reliably catchy melodies (I sang each one in my head until the next one was presented and took over the limited brain space I have). Clearly, they were helped out massively by Auto-tune (check out Laura's unpolished regular singing voice versus her finished song). But it wasn't just pitch correction that came to their aid -- hat songwriter guest was so nurturing and lovely to the girls, weirdly enough! There is just no way that these people are unfailingly capable of fitting their own words into such hooky tunes. I watched Rock of Love closely, I know how this stuff works.

And so because of the outside help, the challenge ended up being pretty boring. Like, I have little to say about the songs themselves except, "Nice job, everybody, I guess, averting utter embarrassment. Whatever." I assume that producers sensed that, figured they needed something to shake this thing up and make it outlandish and so they decided to make all the girls say, "Top ledom is Top Model spelled backwards," at some point in songs that they'd already written that largely would not allow that. That's just cruel, you know? "Do this, but no now do it differently to accommodate an 11th hour change that's been developed mostly to humiliate you." "Top ledom" is a challenge in the same way that enduring someone else's fart in a closed room is a challenge, and we all know that Tyra has wicked IBS.

Allison said it best:

Alexandria said it weirdest:


I would call her singing a joke, except it sounded more like a punch line.

Such a promising start, too, as Jay was basically like, "Aspire to Rebecca Black-level success!"

Because a laughingstock is still getting attention, right? Because making a viral video is something you can just do at will. Like some kid who's been told she's cute about 500,000 times too many, who went viral in the Tyra Mail, right?



I'm so fucking bored with Internet sensations. If pop culture is largely shit, Internet sensations are flies on dung. If pop culture isn't largely shit, Internet sensations are flies on dung. It's just so often like, "Let me take my non-talent and beat it into the ground for the sake of approval, because I am at leas an emotional child, if not an actual child, and I'm enjoying the arrested development the world has foisted upon me." And the reason for liking it is rarely more than, "Caulse its goood!! LOL!" At least reality stars have a finite end (although I guess this is less true if there is potential for all-stars seasons or in the case of, like, Jacinda).

And while it's nice that as a society, we've decided to be kind to Keenan Cahill, when so many other people with conditions that make them outwardly different are thrown away in all sorts of manners by the world on a daily basis, I'm bored with him, too.

He's not even interested in performing his non-talent anymore. Wasn't the point initially that he lip-synched relatively well and had a sense of rhythm? Now he just mouths gibberish. (Actually looking back on it, it was always gibberish.) Granted, even if he were lip synching perfectly, he would still be mouthing gibberish anyway (these are lyrics written by ANTM contestants, after all). But who died and made him Perez Hilton? Not Perez Hilton, I can assure you! Why is Keenan Cahill the go-to Internet person trotted out to prove…whatever about the Internet? (That it's popular? That laughing at and with sometimes occur in the same breath?) Why's he the one who gets to pose with Tyra Banks as she twists her mouth into an underbite? I WANT TO POSE WITH TYRA BANKS AS SHE TWISTS HER MOUTH INTO AN UNDERBITE!!!

Just kidding. I never want to be in the same room as her.

But regarding that point, good thing she swooped in to add her own singular brand of hilarity to the girls' videos.

What a savior. So Christlike is that booty tooch that it resulted in audio-visual transubstantiation.

The day Tyra Banks realizes that her only contribution to comedy will only ever be unintentional will be a self-actualizing breakthrough.

And yes, even when Tyra's being intentionally funny…

…she's still unintentionally funny. I hope my stance on that has been clear for the past six years, but just in case, I thought it was worth spelling out.

Also: Who cares, it's just a show, right?

What did I like then? Oh, plenty. Laura's tour de force of squishy insides was a beaut:

She is acting how I imagine Stevie Nicks would have acted when her assistant (or whomever) blew cocaine up her asshole, if that cocaine were replaced by Pixy Stix. Or maybe this is what happens when you mainline Lisa Frank?

Or actually, it's just what boys to do you when you think about them. For real, I could relate to Angelea's reaction to Game.

At almost 33-years-old (Wednesday, send cash/something off my Amazon wishlist!), this is exactly what my insides do every time I see a hot guy. Or even a reasonably attractive one. (Honestly, I don't even require a full set of teeth.) I hope to be this boy crazy forever or at least until it's totally pathetic. It's not totally pathetic yet, right?

That said, Game isn't exactly swoon-worthy. This gif sums up both his appearance and how I feel about it:

So weird, his participation on this show -- given his history of homophobia (which has been at times playfully and curiously stated to the point of almost being benign, it's still detrimentally ignorant) and the state of his album sales, is having to rub elbows with fashion queens kind of like being socially obligated and sexually frustrated into having gay sex in prison? In both cases, you're slumming it, desperate for anyone who'll take (or give!) your shit. That is, unless it turns out that you actually enjoy having gay sex. How mind-blowing that must be!

Also, who's the new muscle queen on set? My insides are Angeleaing with Lisa Frank's euphoria! I wanna rub more than elbows with him. Way more. I think. Based on, you know, seeing him rendered flat and measuring now just a few centimeters.

Anyway, with all of the above said about Game, I found him endearing?

I loved that he looooved Allison. I loved that he has to touch Nigel to tell Allison that she was the "most weirdly beautiful" person he'd ever seen. And then Nigel claimed that Game liked Allison because he has an interesting back story, just like him. I think Game liked her because he had an interesting boner.

His relating to her over death of loved ones? Adorable. He went the extra mile and was way into this:

Throughout Game's time on ANTM, "I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here" from Annie was playing in his head on a loop.

Lisa, by the way, I fear will never be more than a novelty act -- she's just too goofy in song to transcend the anything-for-a-laugh aesthetic of reality TV. I don't know, maybe that makes her perfect for the Internet, and I guess going viral was what this episode was all about, but I thought she was interested in more than that (and by the way, I don't see these "viral" videos blowing up the Internet -- I think I may be the first person of all of the online land to embed one.)

 

Lisa seems condemned to a professional life of being always the pit, never the Peaches.

Whatever, though, she continues to deal with it and implores you to do the same:

And no matter what, at least she wasn't churning out what sounded like Jessica Simpson's too-chaste-to-be-sloppy seconds like, ahem:

 

...From the pages of her favorite hyemnal, undoubtedly.

What else? Allison's eyes don't smile but sing. She sizes.

Now, how about some crying?

20. Allison

21. Allison

Really, my "pot ledom" objection comes mostly from the fact that she poured her heart out (obliquely, but still!) and then this twist took a dump on it.

22. Alexandria

And this next one doesn't count because she wasn't crying, but it is a concrete way of conveying the abstract notion of disgust, and thus is worth sharing:

Tyraisms!

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"You weren't exaggerating your mouth enough. So remember, like, sing it out loud, 'Stop and stare...'

...Do that but keep the face pretty. Don't go like this, like I just did."

So in other words: Do as I say, not as I do, even though I just illustrated that what I say is impossible to actually do.

Sounds right to me!

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"Now people are hearing music with their eyes."

Right. Indeed. And so, this is what Gwar sounds like:

Tyra should see if she can replace Flattus Maximus (R.I.P.!). I think it'd be a great fit.

Comments

[Alice]

Alison FTW!

[Mark]

But Creepy-chan has already gone viral on the Internet....

[David]

Should I not be surprised that there was nary a mention of "Shake Ya Body (Body)" during the episode?

[zamblee]

So what you mean to say is Allison. Got it. Allison.

[MB]

Was it me or did Laura's feet look super dirty in that music video? It was distracting. Did she walk on a dirt floor to get to set?

[Anne Noise]

Game is super sexy. More Game for me, then.

Team Allison, as usual. She seems more and more likely to take the crown. (In that 96% chance is more than 95% chance.)

[Tsumi]

Thanks for helping me re-see the humor, because this episode made me so mad my tummy actually hurt watching it. It was everything wrong about the music industry today rolled into one, with 'pot ledom' as the special sauce.

[smooshfacedcat]

The elephant in the room was Allison actually has gone viral on the internet AGES ago. I love that Tyra totally looked over that fine detail.

You could tell that Allison was miserable about having to add this POT LEDOM bullshit to her song. The circus has come to town!

[Sarah]

What I'm surprised by is the total lack of acknowledgement for how brilliant Dominique's lyrics were, in the fashion of playing the reality TV game. The girl wrote a passably good Cover Girl commercial and we never saw it even being noted. Weird.

[jess sanser]

i actually thought alexandria's singing voice was pretty amazing. i mean her video sucked and it was high time she went home, but still. and while im usually a fan of laura, her total lack of imagination irked me!

[jest sanser]

but how you summarized laura's music video was brill and hilarious! thanks rich

[RebD.]

I cannot even express how fucking ridiculous 'pot ledom' was. And Tyra dancing like an idiot in the videos. Alexandria saying 'I could be a recording star' was the beginning of the end, I just KNEW she was going home.
And I swear I've been singing 'go, go, go' in my head over the weekend, so annoying that it went viral in my skull...

[Allen]

Rich, your recaps are always the highlight of my ANTM week.

[Rachael]

Yeah, I was totally annoyed by 'pot ledom' too. Because it was ridiculous. And stupid. And wouldn't wound good in any context, ever. But especially because of what you said about how Allison wrote this song about her dead dad and then was forced to have Tyra dressed like a reject dancing around saying 'pot ledom' in it.

I was surprised none of them sucked more, but I guess it partially comes down to what you said about autotune - Laura's song should NOT have sounded that good in the final cut.

[Rachael]

That was supposed to say 'wouldn't SOUND good'. It did wound good. It wounded my ears.

[Glambunctious]

Laura reminded me of Stacey Q. in her video! OMG, Lisa Frank! You are a doll for bringing that back! I used to love me some unicorns with rainbow manes. I too adored how much Game liked Allison! I thought it was so cute. These songs/videos would have been so much better sans the Pot Ledom requirement. That just made their efforts seem stupid as sin, espesh Allison's. Alexandria lost her bitchitude this season and had some weird Om/Zen thing going on that was far more annoying than her usual schtick. How many times was she spotted in the diary room with her eyes closed while she talked...? What the hell was that? Anywho, very much enjoyed your wrap-up! Give Winston a pat for me!

[Leah C]

I think Dominique's song and video were probably the closest to something you might actually believe was created by a pop star, but I loved Allison's best. And WTF was up with all the praise they kept pouring over Lisa? Her song was HORRIBLE and the video too! Okay, not as horrible as Alexandria's voice. She sounded exactly like every truly tone deaf person I've heard at karaoke, they get this nasally quality when they think they sound really great. Just no. Oh, and poor poor Angelea. Her song was pretty good, but why oh why did they put her in that ugly get up? Dominique gets a gorgeous glittery minidress and Angelea gets the leftover bin from Goodwill. I'm hoping it was all planned so that she has a strong come back next week. I'm still predicting either Allison, Laura, or Angelea for top dog. Or rather, pot god.

[Vanessa M]

So they're all going to make videos and-quelle surprise, Tyra will be in them all you guys! And, the crying Christian escapes the bottom two again (ah Bianca. Gone but not forgotten.)

I don't know what's more depressing: that Rebecca Black is being held up as an aspirational figure or Angelea has been in the bottom three times in a row now.

Bonus points for the Peaches shout out as well as the tragic accuracy of your assessment.

[garyfembot]

That Madison kid does a mean Edith Massey impersonation!

[Dara]

My 8 & 9 year old daughters LOVE Lisa Frank. I kinda feel sick paying 5.00+ bucks for a coloring book.

Happy soonish birthday Rich!!

Alison for the win!

[Slaghoople]

This episode was all old-school ANTM absurdity. The whole "Pot Ledom" concept was classic Tyra WTF, assuming that an idea must be good because she had it. Clearly André Leon Talley was having none of it. When he came on, it was when they were trying to be more legitimately high-fashion, and now now looks like a third grader watching the clock and counting the minutes on the last day of school.

[MJ]

It's bad enough that Tyra had to make the videos all about her as usual (although with no mention of her previous foray into music, funnily enough), but the fact that she was capering about like a stupid clown in Allison's song about her dead dad really pissed me off. Allison hasn't exactly come across as the kind of girl to be defined on the show by tough life experiences (unlike say, Angelea, Dominique and even Lisa and Alexandria to some extent), so for her to open up about that was a pretty big deal. So of course Tyra has to poop all over it.

[loopygorilla]

Lol Rich
"She is acting how I imagine Stevie Nicks would have acted when her assistant (or whomever) blew cocaine up her asshole, if that cocaine were replaced by Pixy Stix."

that had me cackling like a witch.

and i loves angelea! that meow thing she does, LOVE HER! Angelea!!!

oh and this show is ridic lol but i dont care

[Katey]

Pot ledom is not top model backwards. It is "model top" backwards. This bothered me almost as much as the fact that Tyra couldn't leave the videos alone and had to make them as stupid as possible.

[laura]

Surprisingly I liked Alexandria's song, and my distaste for her was just starting to wane but she got sent home. Lisa....Lisa Lisa Lisa. She regards herself as an artist and she has rhythm & rhyme, but her rapping is still soo bad. Fangirl Angelea was too precious, as was tone-deaf Laura & "wierd"ly infatuated Game. Tyra just needs to get her shit back together.