Touched for the very second time

"I want my life to be an example that you can still achieve your dreams even if you keep your standards high," said Shannon. That she claimed this via the platform of America's Next Top Model immediately betrayed her claims of high standards.

Seriously, that is not unlike ALT saying (albeit jokingly, in response to cultural Greek plate smashing), "How absolutely gauche is that?" Very, if it's on this show. He followed up with, "I'm so sorry for such gauche behavior." If you start apologizing now, you'll never stop.

But anyway, to return to the detrimentally non-gauche Shannon, what is there left to say about her refusal to wear underwear in photo shoots that wasn't already said in response to Episode 1, when she first introduced the idea that what mattered most about skimpy bottoms was not their skimpiness but what they were called? Granny panties were a no-no for a bastion of morality such as herself, simply because they are panties, but  lip-revealing bathing suit bottoms? Perfectly acceptable. (Congratulations to the entire judging panel for finally getting around to calling this an argument of semantics. It took nine episodes, but better late than never!)

For all of her purported morality, Shannon broke a giant rule in my book of ethics: She was boring. "I don't do underwear," was not just her motto, it was a refrain. Out of context, it sounds like she's just letting her hoo-ha breathe; in context it's all really, really stuffy. Besides, who wants a brand that doesn't wear underwear? That sounds prone to yeast. What is her brand, Wonder Bread?

And I know that Shannon's "explanation" of her no-underwear policy was heavily edited for maximum incoherence, but it was clearly halting nonetheless. And that's nonsense. This is her platform, nay fixation, and she can't rattle off some bullshit elaboration on command? What else did she have to do in the ANTM house except for practice her excuses? It's not like her time was taken by practicing her booty tooch.

Also, didn't she say something about thousands of girls writing her emails to say she's their hero/role model and her brand-minded decision was to honor her responsibility toward them? (I could be making this up, and I definitely can't be bothered to fact check fucking Shannon's words.) So she was on this show for the sake of altruism? What is she, here to make friends? Yeah right. A favor for the fans is a favor for oneself (since the fans are keeping you in business) and I'm not fully convinced that Shannon actually has fans in the first place.

Whatever! Bye! Have fun with your underwear worn as underwear! Let's get to what's really important:

This is my favorite thing that happened on this show since, "Bitch, I worked at a bank." This week, it was more, "Bitch, I worked at a Chop't." In a Larry Flynt-esque woman-as-food exercise in objectification, the women were asked to pose in a salad bowls on a bed of lettuce and tomato and feta cheese (that hopefully wouldn't be placed between one's leg, as I guess it would primarily signal infection).That Laura so gleefully poured oil all over herself is the equivalent of a cartoon character who starts getting cooked, but thinks he's just in the bath and starts basting himself even though you don't baste yourself in the bath. (You know what I'm referring to, right? Bugs Bunny or some shit? Again, can't be bothered to fact-check.)

What's funnier is how Shannon's underwear shenanigans precluded her from participating in this shoot, and thus ended up turning her into the smartest-looking one of the whole bunch for effectively refusing to put herself at the level of croutons.

If "Werk. Your. Salad!" doesn't become the new booty tooch, this show has completely lost touch with itself.

Jesus, is Lorenzo Lamas now working the cameras? The suggestion that Angelea's possible flaw (that just could have resulted form her twisted up position) struck me as particularly cruel. Saddle-bag closeups are the new pot ledom. I gif'ed it, not to revel in meanness but to expose it, by the way.

I'm passing the 10-minute mark of staring at this and trying to figure out what I can say to enhance a picture of a woman posing seriously and provocatively amongst roughage. Nothing. Nothing can enhance this, not because it's the funniest thing ever (far from it) but because it is intentionally funny, period. I rarely write about straightforward comedy and I never recap it (what is there to say but "Ha!"?). And if there were ever example of a visual joke-punchline, surely this is it. Bravo, show! You trumped me. Next cycle should be the laugh-track cycle.

"Since I have vampire vision, and I'm not meant to be in the daylight, I literally can't open my eyes," Allison explained rationally, which is to say insanely. Because we were clearly meant to hear this and go, "Oh yes, right. Vampire vision. Of course, the poor thing must be in so much pain. And with her eyes tricking her into thinking that Kristen Stewart's miserable ass is so appealing that you'll fight werewolves for her, how does Allison even get any modeling done?"

"It kind of feels like you're stepping into someone's...organs," is how Allison described the salad posing, seemingly switching from a vampire sensibility to a zombie one. She's just hitting all the cultural zeitgeists, huh? Is her final runway show going to be in a dress that looks like it's on fire?

Speaking of final runway dresses, meet their designer:

Hoo hoo! I love smallish, terse, androgynous people such as Michael Cinco! I don't know why, I think it's just out of principle. Cinco looks like he keeps magic in his pocket, and he could also fit in yours. He's amazing. I loved that when Shannon suggested "sexy yet conservative" for her final gown that now never will get made, he said flatly, "I get it." He knew she wouldn't be around longer, probably partially because it was obvious and partially because he has special powers. Also, Dominique wants gems hanging down from her crotch in reference to being told she looks like a man? That's oddly gracious about what were meant to be insults! I hope she one day becomes famous enough to helm a line of strap-ons. She'll laugh all the way to the sex shop.

Really looking forward to Laura's dress of calves and wheat. I assume it's just going to be a giant sesame seed bun in which she'll be the Lauraburger.

Elsewhere, the whole, "Speak Greek with dignitaries upon arriving to Greece" exercise was yet another set-up for these women to fail, but boy was it portrayed mildly. The biggest offense?

"I wanna see Mount Olympus! Somebody take me to Mount Olympus!" was all good, though. As long as one's desperation doesn't refer to pee (or, let's face it, probably poop because you know Angelea would have no shame in mentioning to anyone, regardless of stature, her need to move her bowels), desperation is a beautiful, ringtone-able thing.

I really thought that this would signal dyslexia's revenge for Laura ("This is worse than a spellin' test!" she not so much fretted but gushed), except she was fine.

This girl is so full of good nature and love and blind enthusiasm that she's basically a fashion puppy. Laura IS Wilfred. I will not be surprised if before the end of the cycle, she ends up sniffing out and stealing the sausages that Tyra obviously keeps in her pockets.

You know, Laura's picture was bad per what this show demands of its contestants (whatever it is!) but perfect as a snapshot of a person sitting in a bowl of salad whose face reads, "I'm sittin'...in a bowl of...salad?" And look, if you have to be in a squishy, organ-y environment, might as well make the best of it and get sexy. This is a winner to me, actually.

Lisa's my hero for consistently refusing to take shit. Here was her reaction to Nikos Papadopoulos accusing her of having a computer in her mind, programming poses:

I know it's this show's job to both pretend like we don't and/or eliminate it so that we actually don't, but we all do have computers in our heads. They're Apple IIE's and they're all outfitted with Oregon Trail and Lisa's dot matrix printouts reign supreme.

Haha, caught you! Looks like someone won't be falling prey to Shannon-style stuffiness any time soon! Keep fannin' that fanny, girl!

Nigel looked so good this episode!

He looks years younger. I'm not sure if it's the lighting or the tan or some kind of osmosis that comes from rubbing elbows with Greek gods, but he hasn't looked this great in, like, 10 cycles. I'm so proud of him!

Finally, despite giving us the gem, "This could be Helen of Troy...in a Greek salad," ALT was visibly trudging it through this episode. He is so over it that he could barely contain his disgust:

I've never related to him more. He's my ANTM spirit animal.

Comments

[estebanito]

OMG, Oregon Trail!!!! the memories are flooding back....

[Janine]

First off, that Michael Cinco guy looks like if Michael Jackson and Chris Kattan had a baby.

Secondly, they criticized Laura for being 'too sexy' this week, saying she wasn't being 'true to her brand'. You know that next week she'll be lambasted for being dull or too sweet.

I think of you, Rich, with every episode I watch.

[jeneria]

Lisa understands this game better than anyone. Laura is a puppy, just happy to be around. Allison is reveling in the absurdity of the whole exercise and probably developing a performance piece based on it. Dominique and Angelea are the only two still left who really believe that this is going to launch their careers and keep going at it with the earnestness they showed in their original seasons. It's really quite sad how desperate those two are, just like it's sad how Lisa is willing to embarrass herself over and over again.

[matthew (hardcore ANTMer)]

I was actually worried Shannon was going to win lol

[loopygorilla]

the international destination reveal was like dulll.... no dancing, or tyra's shenanigans, which tells me she does not give a shit anymore.
and either allison is taking the piss out of the whole thing and parodying herself, but this whole "im weird, im a vampire, honey blood, human organs" schik is getting old. its like one of those "alternative" people who dress "alternatively" and they dont realise that there are just as many "alternative" people just like them, so they arent that unique afterall.
anyway this whole photoshoot was like a WTF lol and not WTF in a good way, also would posing in a bowl of salad get all this um oil and feta cheese stuff in ure private bits?
Anywho, shannon's so long girl, you will pose in a skimpy bikini that is literally showing ure lady bits but you wont pose in underwear. whatever bitch.
And poor angelea, they called her fat lol
No wonder Andre is leaving the show, 1. its not exciting 2. its not fashion.
seriously rich, i understand why you quit recapping this show, but im glad you came back to do this cycle, because i dont watch the show, i just read your recaps.

[WC]

It's totally Buggs Bunny in the big pot of stew:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hiawatha's_Rabbit_Hunt

I Heart 4-4!

[Ky-L]

I'm so glad you GIF'd that bit of Allison reawakening from commercial break, I saw her doze off when there was a cut away and I was so glad the rebooted her before it started up again. Lest we see her in sleep mode.

[DTS]

Thank you for another great recap, Rich!

[sonne]

What a waste of good food in that *cough* photo shoot! This show used to fun. Of the ones left, I like Allison and Laura and wish them the best. The rest, meh.

[loopygorilla]

this is actually laura's first time overseas, on the show if not ever...
because the first time she was on the show, in her shorty cycle, tyra was a tight ass ho and flew the girls to the world's fashion capital of ...... Hawaii!!!! as their "international" destination, remember??
I guess Greece isn't a fashion hot spot like Paris or Milan or London, but at least its a freebie overseas trip.
but the photo shoot was just plain stupid. and cheap. that is some cheap looking underwear they wore, it wasnt even lingerie or couture lingerie.
and the challenge was dumb lol but i do want them to speak more greek :) remember when dominique was in italy and did her covergirl ad?!!!! BRAZILIA!!!
i guess the next challenge will be, pose your ass off to save greece from a global economic meltdown. the winner of the challenge gets to become prime minister of greece.

[maria]

I'm glad Laura got to meet the mayor of Greece.

[Ellie]

Hey Rich, Erin Wagner from the short season did an IAMA on reddit, pretty interesting.
If you didn't already catch it: http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/m6mby/iama_former_contestant_on_americas_next_top_model/?sort=new
Thanks again for all the laughs!

[AKP]

Yeah, I liked how Jay said Angelea had "no core strength" while the camera cut to her skin wrinkling there. Jesus! The woman is half-twisted around, of course her midsection is going to crease, even though she only weighs 115 pounds or whatever. Lord.

I also did not get their critique of Laura's picture. I didn't think her expression was "too sexy," I thought it was more "God, this is painful." Not her most flattering pic. But then they claimed that she is too sexy in her photos all the time. wtf? They praised her photo-sexiness on her cycle because it was such a contrast to her sweetness in person.

Still, I want my KY girl Laura to win. Or weird Allison. I could be happy with either. But I think you're right, Lisa's got this game figured out, and she may just take it.

[matthew (hardcore ANTMer)]

Well I love this show even though it has been a complete and utter failure in its mission lol. I still find it entertaining and I am glad Rich is recapping it. I just hope there will be more all-star cycles, or maybe a winners cycle, where all the previous winners would compete against each other, Adrianne Curry against Jaslene and Eva etc., how trippy would that be

[adam]

I fully expected your recap last week to just be a screen cap of ALT shaking his head in horror and/or disgust. I mean, talk about squandered potential - this season SHOULD have been amazing: Sheena! Bre! Bianca! (say the last one like Twiggy, please) - and I think it's just been in the last couple shows that it *really* soured. While I don't suppose anyone's surprised it turned out this way, I'm sad that Tyra's doing everything she can to destroy your will to recap. Oh well.
And PS, loopygorilla up there wins with the "get all this um oil and feta cheese stuff in ure private bits"

[loopygorilla]

@adam

Well i do wonder about these things, you know, even a guy i wouldnt jump in a bowl of fresh produce and dairy...because its a bowl of tomato, feta cheese and olive oil and its bound to get into their lady bits...and whats worst, the other girls have beeing in it too...ewwwwww

and i have abit of experience with olive oil, my silly hairdresser told me to rub it in my hair to soften it and i was like okayy.

it took like 8 washes with shampoo to wash the darn greese out of my hair! so imagine what happens when it all in the private area.

[HopeC]

I love how they put Lisa in lingerie that LOOKED LIKE a bikini, put her ON THE BEACH and then told her it was "too beachy" of a photo. WTF?

You didn't mention Angelea's sleepy eyes.

Can't wait to see your recap of last night.

[laura]

That salad looked really tasty. (Before anyone climbed into it, that is.) The question I had, regarding Lisa, was how the judges distinguish a "beachwear" pose/photo from a lingerie one. What exactly is the difference? ?_?

[Hildredsmith]

That scene is so very funny and Interesting.
Staples Coupon Code

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Thanks for sharing!