Sex and the shitty

"It just hurts 'cause I wanna be respected as a good model," said Laura about her elimination. From this show. America's Next Top Model. The one that has for years struggled for credibility as a circus, let alone a talent search. Is that to say Laura's been hurting this whole time, or does she just yearn for the respect from those whose respect is largely considered to be a hindrance? She's better off getting Wanda Sue to sew her together some respect than looking for it here.

You know what you call this?

Holy water!

Just kidding. It's I Can't Believe It's Not More Semen-like and Instead is Very Scatalogical.

Just kidding, its totally semen-like. Spit, spit, spit, spit, spit, indeed.

And for that reason, what you really call it is setting someone up to fail. The sexy girl gets the open-mouth cream injection? Only the finest care from those who brought you the make-the-girl-who-gained-weight-pose-as-an-elephant school of disciplinarians. That'll teach Laura to appear slightly less than wholesome in what had to be a minority of the shots of any given photo shoot (for which she ran the risk of being criticized for wholesomeness, too, obviously)!

Whatever, someone had to go, I guess. I'm surprised it wasn't Lisa for this alone:

That is amazing. Lisa is such a natural superhero that a cape of flesh is growing out of her shoulders by now. Errr, oh wait, no. That's just a skin tag. Oops.

Modelland. Shiver. I attempted to read the "fiction novel" Modelland, actually. Excited to give it a chance, I bought it the day it came out and I read maybe 70 pages in the course of a week. I consider that a dark period in my life. Literally, when I think back to it, I get anxious. I'm not gifted in speed-reading, but I'm not borderline illiterate, either, and 70 pages in a week is super slow for me. Every word was a struggle. It's written with the density of someone who's trying to communicate their own intelligence, inventiveness and humor much more than an actual story. Every character is miserable (most impressive is that they're all miserable in different ways, so maybe there is something to be said for Tyra's inventiveness). The Harry Potter and Hunger Games reference points are more like pus-filled pimples, ugly blemishes of writerly immaturity. And then, the premise of a handful of girls being called into what is essentially a modeling competition makes Modelland essentially a roman à clef of an already not very real universe: This show (which, as I've said several times, is a fun house mirror pointed at the fashion industry, which itself is a funhouse mirror pointed at the real world). It's just all so exhausting.

Trash should not feel like a chore. Leave that to Glad bags. (And believe me, I will read utter shit and like it.) Tyra described the book to the girls as "campy," which should be an immediate red flag to anyone invested in the concept of camp. If something's creator is calling it "campy," you can almost bet it's unbearable shit that's about to try really, really hard (unless it's John Waters, and even in that case, there's like a 50/50 chance it'll be shit, given his track record).

That Tyra said repeatedly that this episode saw the realization of her dream (sounding almost scarily human in the process) would make me feel bad for shitting all over said dream, if that dream didn't involve a bunch of girls saying, "I am Tookie." That character is basically the fictitiously human embodiment of someone saying, "I'm weird!" and inspired by Tyra herself. So her dream is to have a bunch of people be her, more or less basically. It's just like I said way back in the beginning of this cycle: everyone is played by Tyra in her own head.

If only she could figure out a straightforward way to present that!

It's like if Tarsem took a really loose shit and then decided to make an eau de toilette out of his actual toilet water and then shot a commercial for it.

I am happy, though, that we got to see Allison acting like a cat, because this was her dream and her dream seems a lot purer and infinitely less self-invested than Tyra's:

And I also was happy to see Tyra suck on Tyson Beckford's finger like it's a dick because...well, it's funny to see people suck on things like they're dicks.

Especially then they're Tyra, who sucks as a matter of course.

Also, a word on Modelland's status as a New York Times bestseller: Yes, it did enter the New York Times Children's Chapter Books tally at No. 2. That was the only week it spent on the list before falling out of the Top 10 and never being heard from again. I'm not saying that to hate -- I think it's safe to say that my book won't even be sold in the same establishments as the New York Times let alone make any of its lists. No. 2 on a niche list sounds pretty great to me! If I reached that, would I insist that my book was then referred to as a New York Times bestseller on every reference? No. Would I correct the obviously false film-adaptation rumors or someone who introduced the book by saying, "This is huge out there right now!" Yes. But then, that's just me. I am not Tookie.

And Tyra Banks is not Dom DeLuise...

...but that won't stop her from dressing like it! (That one's all Tracie, who texted me the comparison. I can tell she's just itching to get back to blogging!)

Also in celebrity comparisons:

...Allison's kind of got a Shelley Duvall thing going on in this picture, no? More than even the hair, it's the look in her eye that signals she will either murder you or bake you a pie or perhaps murder you and then bake you into a pie or maybe recite every single pie recipe she has stored in her head in succession until you collapse.

What else? The blogging component of the "prize" was tested this week. I'm happy to say that not even this challenge provoked dyslexia's revenge in Laura. I hope she's doing better with that now! (I'm not even kidding. Plain old compassion has me really rooting for those with literacy issues. I cried during The Reader when Kate Winslet's pedophile Nazi character finally learned how to read!) I also love that Angelea surprised everyone by wiping the floor with them. Granted, her blog started, "WOW! That's how I start off my blog today..."

But I just like seeing an underdog like Angelea surprise people with her ability. Need she remind you that, bitch, she worked at a bank? No, but I will. I also love the irony of her winning a trip back to paradise by asking, "Do you know what a ghetto is?"

Here's Allison's, which was ragged on for being pithy:

Maybe it's just me, but I've never, ever been criticized for writing too little when writing for the web. My editors tend to scream, "Hallelujah" when I submit something that isn't a dissertation. Allison has a Tumblr with a lot of followers. She wasn't trying to shrink from work -- she knows what she's doing.

How about that phone call between Nigel and Madonna Dearest that determined the winner of this challenge?

I don't even think they were on the phone together.

Does this woman know what a quote is? Is she poorly translating "paragraph?" While I'm a lot less compassionate for people who can't speak English than I am for those who can't read it (which is to say that I find the former group amusing in an endearing way, swear!), I'm not taking the piss here. I really want to know what the fuck she was talking about. "Almost a quote?" Doesn't that better describe her dialogue in this charade of a scene? Isn't "almost a quote" almost a quote?

Hilarious. Never change, Madonna Louise Veronica Chi-bony!

And now, I would like to direct your attention to the least sensitive Tyraism since, "How were you burned?"

Tyraism of the Week

"This is the pain, right? With Tookie and her father. And him saying she's not his and she's not good enough. Do you have any issues with that?"

Just to return to Modelland for a second (it's a dark, dark place), I love that she's saying "Tookie" with a straight-faced reverence. THAT is camp (and notice how I'm saying it, not her). Anyway, "Do you have any issues with that?" Does Laura ovulate the second a camera is pointed at her? Of course Angelea has issues with that, or something like it, and you've known that since Cycle 12 I'm sure as a result of her extensive biographical paperwork, and then selected her to play this Tookie precisely for that reason. So much duh, it sounds like a stuttering propeller in here.

That led to:

25. Angelea

...and...

26. Angelea

And then, the only other crying was...

27. Laura

...and...

28. Laura

A very serious pose for a very serious matter. Let's never forget Laura's craft.

Laura's elimination came as a result of what was termed the "longest deliberation in the history of America's Next Top Model."

You know it's serious and scientifically sound when they bust out the Mok. The best thing about this deliberation?

André Leon Talley remained seated and over it while the rest of them showed they were into it by standing up (even Tyson Beckford, who actually looked like he was going to piddle himself for being allowed on TV again). He looks utterly sickened in the shot above. Good man!

And then, underscoring my feelings about this episode and cycle in general...

He's far too good to us. I'm really going to miss him.

Comments

[Maja]

I love your Tarsem reference (and it's so true!) but that gif of ALT has made me really sad. He is not smiling with his eyes.

[Maja]

(And I wish you would enable comments on your day job samplings - as with Palahniuk, I'm superexcited you got to interview Olivia Colman!)

[Slaghoople]

Somehow this season is starting to feel like a greatest hits album after which there are no more hits ever. Can it possibly go on any further after this season? It's starting to make me feel like I have eaten one too many desserts.

[Sir_ascot]

I love you, rich! Thank you so much for these recaps! I was actually nervous for this episode because i thought allison would go. Even though i know how much of a fraud this whole show is, at least the prizes are real and if anyone deserves a vogue cover its her. I just adore her to death! Shes so precious you just want her to succeed no matter what (even if its as trivial as a reality show)! Shes like the only reason that makes this show worth watching now.

[Something about the girl]

I just love how they called Laura a slut, but they had no shot that actually showed her acting as a slut (except for a 3-second shot of her changing poses!). I felt bad for her, because she seemed to still believe in the show (unlike Lisa and Allison, who just know better). Also, Tyra sucking on Tyson's finger. Really TyTy?! Slut... Just kidding, Tyra is too self-centered to be a slut.

[njg]

Tyra is keeping some broke down, glue-factory bound models for her finale. To what end? Who wants to open Italian Vogue and see Lisa? In the words of Cathy, "AAACK!"

[GuyDeLuk]

Unless they start having plus-size cycles or freak-show cycles (but hey, that would be the mirror house within the mirror house, within... y'know), I don't see how the show can possibly raise from the dead. Still, I love your recaps and they're the reason why (on top of Allison) I'll watch the cycle to the end. May I quote you for one of my works?

Luv. Eric

[EasterBuffy]

As we all know, who we want to win is irrelevant, but Rich, I thank you for giving us all a forum to air our grievances.

And for the amazing blog and gifs. So much fun. Going to withdraw big time once this show is over from your work.

[Tsumi]

That Angelea's blog entry won...does not bode well for the future of writing.

[Carolyn]

Honestly - this was one of your best recaps ever, Rich. I'm still giggling a little.

[Gillian]

I'm so glad you're recapping this season. I couldn't wait to see what you had to say about the whole Modelland travesty. Thank you for your enjoyable point of view.

[WC]

So, so, funny. I LOLed at the gif of the baby doll, and of Tyra-Tyson thumb BJ, and ALT's subtle little eye motion, and so much else, and I don't even watch the show (anymore).

[Melissa]

This cycle has gotten progressively weirder. When I first heard there was an all star cycle I was beyond excited and now I kind of just want them to crown Angelea the winner (because she's obvs winning) so I can attempt to erase ever seeing thumb sucking Tyra and her...whatever the hell that "motion editorial" was from my memory.

[Jodie Whalo]

I honestly wonder if Tyra is at all self-aware. Does she realize how much of an evil, manipulative and utterly self-centered monster she appears as to the general public? Is that what she's really like? Or is she utterly oblivious and honestly believes that she's doing good things for the benefit of society?

It's one extreme or the other. That kind of crazy doesn't float around somewhere in the middle. I swear, she reminds me of the Joker so much it's actually terrifying.

[Jessica]

I think the true beauty of this season is the transparency of the game, which is even more clearly than normal a trap. You can be eliminated at any point for any reason and that reason can't be argued with because, hey, it was justifiable.

For some reason I'm now thinking a statistical analysis of "why" girls are dropped off the show (too much consistency! not enough! no personality! too much! too pretty! too...uniquely un-pretty! too repressed! too vagina-flashing!) and see what the winners are. I'd probably guess it would end up being "failure to smize convincingly"

[MJ]

There was really horrid example of insensitive, sob story-pulling from Tyra in cycle 13 to Rae as well. They were talking about her daughter and then all of a sudden, Tyra goes 'Okay, we're going to change up the energy a bit. Tell us about when you were sexually assaulted!' She actually essentially said, 'Okay, we're having a nice time talking about your child, too nice a time. Let's talk about you being raped instead.'

[DTS]

This episode was particularly unsettling. Its disturbing imagery ("woman-child suck thumb!") and unexpected pathos surrounding Laura's departure combined to create a decidedly unpleasant experience that remained with me for days.
Fortunately, your recap did much to alleviate my discomfort. Thank you, Rich!

[Andrea]

I'm on page 420 (you know it) of Modelland. It doesn't get any better after the first 70 pages. At this point, I'm just daring myself to get through this literary turd.

First of all, I don't believe Tyra actually wrote it. It's so terrible but I still don't think she has the skills to generate such a tome. Clearly a ghostwriter was involved. Also there's no way this steaming pile of shit would have been published if not for Tyra's name being attached to it.

[eyelash enhancer]

Lol... these are funny pics.

[Hänni]

I loved Lisa's reaction to Modelland. Rich, I can't wait for your recap of the finale (airing tonight!)

[Kit]

So I have not read Modelland (couldn't get through the first few paragraphs of the online sample), but in my mind Tookie is an amazing amalgam of Sookie from True Blood (duh! she's special) and Toki from Metalocalypse (because people should stops copies her).
And that is amazing.

Thanks for doing recaps, Rich.

[Rachael]

I have never hated Tyra as much as I did during this episode. Modelland? TOOKIE? No.

[Katom Coupons]

So I have been with my partner for a year now. I am 23 (with a super huge libido) and he is 30. When we first got together we were going at it all the time and naturally over time the sex has slowed.
Katom Coupons

[professional custom essay writing]

stupid and lolest Tvshow ever!! need to have absolutely no brain to watch it!!

[raymes]

There are more than 400 pages in modelland? Yikes.

1. Angelea's disqualification? why???? Apparently she breached contract and blabbed she won?

2. Why didn't Allison win? Doesn't need to cos she's already the winner period of all the rest.