Reality TV has the reputation of dehumanizing people, but my brief experience on it was to the contrary. In the fall, I judged a Universal Royalty pageant that was filmed for Toddlers and Tiaras (read 5,000 words of my thoughts about that here). The episode finally aired this week (I was interviewed for the show, and you can see a reel of my screen time here). Watching the early portion of the episode, which chronicled the preparation for the pageant (as every first half of a Toddlers and Tiaras episode does), was eye-opening, primarily because it was incredible to see the children that I judged actually look like children.
Isys doesn't wear glasses onstage (a lesson from the early part of the episode: her mother doesn't know "how she sees" but is convinced that she does). If she did wear them, though, I would have certainly given her a 10+ on facial beauty. That would have been a bold and endearing choice. Glasses on kids! That is heartbreaking and adorable.
Considering the context of a person you are sharing a situation with is a doorway to compassion. Glitz pageants serve to seal that door by placing children in the most consciously unnatural costumes possible, obscuring their brief lives with piles of hair and teeth and makeup. This could probably be said for any sort of competition that requires a uniform, but of course feels more pronounced in pageantry given the medium's investment in masquerade. This lack of these children's own context serves several factors, but from a judge's perspective, it makes children easier to evaluate -- when they are onstage, they exist as creations that more or less strive for a specific ideal. If only life and the range of human achievement were so simple! We would have so much more free time.
Of course, human error that results in a failure to achieve the pageant-queen ideal is actually what makes these pageants interesting and hilarious. It also always says much more about the parents than the blank canvasses they strapped into their car seats and plied with Pixy Stix. You look at a pageant kid who's really trying to compete and you don't think, "I wonder if she likes dolphins and if she is prone to scraping her knee." You think, "Well, her mom must really be something. I wonder what she's trying to compensate for." In the most fascinating scenario, the answer is nothing. While that provides one sort of context in itself, these kids who have been plucked from their sandboxes and placed in sequins and lace, are mostly defined by what has been imposed on them. Nurture is unnaturally in overdrive.
I hadn't really considered the bigger picture -- the lead-up to the pageant as experienced by each of the three Toddlers subjects I judged (and, for that matter, any of the rest of the 60 odd kids I had to critique) – so seeing it was conscious-expanding on an exponential level. Regarding this highly superficial world through the highly sensational medium of reality TV, I feel an unlikely enlightenment. It tickles my brain to have been able to go back and see what was going on while I was confined to my own existence, thanks to the third eye TLC provided. I can only assume that this is something many people experience as a result of appearing in any sort of verite medium that focuses on the lives surrounding them, and thus is not new to me, but if you haven't experienced it, I highly recommend it.
My association with it was privileged in that my life was not invaded by cameras (if anything, I was the invader in this alien world). I just showed up and watched a lot of Shirley Temple impersonations and talked about them and left. People have commented that my camera time suggests how "seriously" I took all of this, and that is a fair assessment. I surprised myself with how critically I approached this thing, when its inherent ridiculousness was never not in my face, winking at me against the weight of false eyelashes. I existed on at least two levels of discernment. They pointed both at the girls and this entire institution as I sternly looked on while laughing so hard I cried within. I don't know if I lived camp per say, but I definitely now know what it feels like to be a conduit for it.
If anything, the show gave me a nice edit – a few of my on-camera evaluations that didn't make it to air would have sounded unbelievably harsh in the necessarily out-of-context medium of reality TV sound bites. That was my fault, I should have known better but I luckily wasn't punished for it, nor were any of the recipients of my critiques (at least, not to the extent that they could have been). I walked in that room at 8 am thinking, "If I am interviewed, I'm totally going to say, 'I'm not here to make friends; I'm here to judge a pageant.'" And so I did, when asked if I was a hard judge. It didn't make the cut, of course, because it would not have made sense to show me talking about myself (I'm neither toddler nor tiara). Also, maybe they were able to suss out the phony, premeditated nature of that line. I really thought I could retire on the cred of bringing "I'm not here to make friends" full circle, but oh well. Maybe next time.
From the little that I saw, I got the sense that Toddlers was a legit production – I wasn't led or asked to say anything, merely interviewed and allowed to answer honestly. My responses were all filed where they belonged in the episode (no Frankenstein sound bites from me!). When I said the bit about Isys looking miserable, the producer asked me, "Do you think her mom maybe has something to do with that?" I said, "I've watched this show – her mom probably has something to do with that." She asked that I not mention the show. I couldn't help the meta-commentary.
I don't have a lot of insider info on the finer points of the episode, since to maintain my integrity ("integrity") as a judge, I could not associate with the parents or children. I will say that Mia's mom's freak out about her daughter's time on stage during the beauty portion was entirely unwarranted. Mia remained on stage longer than any child (hitting a mark, standing there, moving to the next mark, standing there...), and I initially assumed that it was because she was on the show, thus allotted a larger portion of beauty time. Then when Saliz and Isys came and went like everyone else, I realized the imbalance. If Mia's mother's reaction to her daughter being "cut off" seemed insane on the show, think of how much more insane it is that her daughter was allowed to linger longer than anyone else. I'm telling you, this is mind-expanding stuff.
Mia on the show was infinitely more endearing than she was onstage (which is not to say that I had any negative opinions about this lovely child). That she was able to disregard her mother's shaming when she failed to win the $10,000 grand prize and instead was perfectly pleased with the $500 she was rewarded bespeaks a confidence and sense of self beyond her 4 years. I think she just might have the stuff to survive what seems like a complete nightmare of a mother.
(For the record, I did not hate Mia even before she impressed me with her on-screen groundedness!)
Isys' mom complained about the pageant being "rigged" and left in a huff. I can't attest to any manipulation either way (they collected our score sheets with a frantic diligence to suggest numbers were indeed being crunched, and hard at that), but being that these rankings on her child's beauty are so subjective, anyway, I don't even understand how rigging could come into play. Either 8 random people (at least one of them, me, being entirely unqualified) as a unified group didn't give your daughter the award you wanted her to win, or one person didn't. I don't see much of a difference. The idea that anyone would think that what happened in that room mattered on a level beyond being a (possibly) entertaining activity boggles my mind, since that woman's daughter could step in front of a different panel of eight people with an entirely different outcome. I know that's how life works – you advance by impressing a few people who have arbitrarily ascended to power – but it's also what makes life a big joke. Believe me, I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of taking it seriously, but a greater consciousness really comes in handy.
Just for the sake of fairness/masochism, I searched "toddlersandtiaras judge" on Twitter to turn things back on myself and find out strangers' evaluation of me. Here are some results:
I read gay enough to make people describe me as "posh" and "fierce" and not at all so that people wonder if I'm a pedophile. Like I said: arbitrary.
I just spit out my drink at "shockingly not rapey looking"! I think the producers knew you either a) an internet celebrity; or b) writing about your experience, because you got a lot of screen time for a judge! I loved it!
Posted by: Beth | January 20, 2012 at 05:19 PM
I love how some of the Twitter folk admitted "he could get it" about you. Toddlers & Tiaras Rich is quite the stud! But considering how the panel is usually moms and ex-beauty queens, putting a nice-looking young man on, in formal wear (!!!) was a nice change of pace!
Posted by: TheAtlanticVamp | January 20, 2012 at 05:27 PM
I love that you were able to experience this and write about it. Thank you! I think your last piece on this (the unedited version) was one of my favorite pieces you have written.
Posted by: SterlingQ | January 20, 2012 at 06:24 PM
"you advance by impressing a few people who have arbitrarily ascended to power"
Rich, no matter what happens to you in your life career-wise, please keep writing your blog. You sucked me in with Top Models, but you've kept me for shit like this.
Posted by: zamblee | January 20, 2012 at 06:58 PM
lol I love how glaringly over-dressed you were Rich, its very endearing. and you actually came off really well!
Posted by: cc | January 20, 2012 at 09:44 PM
"I know that's how life works – you advance by impressing a few people who have arbitrarily ascended to power – but it's also what makes life a big joke." Preach!
Thank you for helping me figure out which of these 6 episodes my TiVo recorded to watch to see you. I cannot bear to look at them all!
Posted by: Melizer | January 21, 2012 at 02:08 AM
No commentary on the Golden Globes? Har-uuuumph!!!
Posted by: Sheik | January 21, 2012 at 09:10 AM
You looked awesome in your tux. You're the coolest, Rich. You'd totally get it.
Posted by: Lisa | January 21, 2012 at 10:48 AM
Finding out your episode aired was, for me, like Christmas morning for a 6 year old. And I couldn't even watch it all at once, I was so enthralled (and frankly, disoriented) at seeing you on the show I had to stop my illegally downloaded copy of the episode each time you were on so I could keep myself from getting overwhelmed. Am I as intense as Mia's mom? Maybe. But at least I'm not a raving lunatic bitch.
Posted by: Lizzy | January 21, 2012 at 02:12 PM
Haha "Shockingly nonrapey looking" is sheer brilliance. I need to follow that person on Twitter
Posted by: trick please | January 22, 2012 at 01:52 PM
You have no idea how delighted I am by all this! When I first found out about Toddlers and Tiaras, I IMMEDIATELY called my (now former) reality television partner in crime to gush about what would surely be our new show (you know, after Obsessed, Hoarders, Intervention, etc.), and her reaction was, "we have standards."
And in some senses THE HELL WE HAVE STANDARDS! But more interestingly as a culture, we... don't have standards. That's why reality TV is fun. And scary.
Posted by: Tedrick_james | January 22, 2012 at 04:06 PM
I was so thrilled to see you on T&T! I told my daughter, "I know him!!" Not that I do, I just think I do because I follow your blog. Daughter was impressed. And you were awesome.
Posted by: Bibiana | January 22, 2012 at 07:33 PM
This, and your previous "5,000 words" on judging the pageant are really a very interesting read! Thank you!
Posted by: mustardseed2007 | January 22, 2012 at 09:56 PM
Rich, you are awesome.
Posted by: Elissa | January 23, 2012 at 08:55 AM
I just scoured the listings to find out when your episode would air again. In case anyone else missed it, it's:
Jan 25, 5:00 pm
Toddlers & Tiaras (Season 5)
Universal Royalty Hollywood
With $10,000 at stake at the Old Hollywood-themed pageant, tempers run high, and conspiracy theories abound with pageant moms. Mia, 5, Isys, 6, and Saliz, 7 are determined to win Ultimate Grand Supreme..
Posted by: Lauren | January 23, 2012 at 01:55 PM
This was great. Ever since the show aired, I have been waiting for your thoughts on the finished product. I always watch T&T, and I always read FourFour, so to have the two things collide was an explosion of awesomeness.
The problem will be to revert back to regular life. Can't you make regular guest appearances on all the various crap shows that I watch???
Posted by: WC | January 23, 2012 at 11:12 PM
Lol... you totally have it!
Posted by: Wrinkle creams | January 24, 2012 at 05:19 AM
Swan Brooner forever!
Posted by: Elissa | January 24, 2012 at 11:40 AM
i do like that sentence, but i dont think it's arbitrary. nothing happens without you deserving/desiring. also, we all agree you're hot.
Posted by: alan | January 25, 2012 at 12:37 PM
I VERY RANDOMLY tuned in to this episode and I never watch Toddlers and Tiaras (but I love fourfour, even though I never comment). Hilariously, when Marina came on camera I thought to myself... is this... is she... a mail order Russian bride? and sure enough: "met on the internet.. he was looking for bride." I had no idea that still was a thing, but apparently it is? Also, I kinda want to hug her daughter and tell her that she's awesome and that her mom is craycray.
Posted by: Adrienne | January 25, 2012 at 05:33 PM
" I know that's how life works – you advance by impressing a few people who have arbitrarily ascended to power – but it's also what makes life a big joke. Believe me, I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of taking it seriously, but a greater consciousness really comes in handy."
Just what I needed to read today. Thank you.
Posted by: Gen | January 25, 2012 at 05:50 PM
You are super hot, goodness. I've really enjoyed reading your coverage of this whole T&T saga.
Posted by: Jeremy | January 25, 2012 at 07:52 PM
Just as amazing as I imagined!
Posted by: Yvonne | January 25, 2012 at 10:43 PM
I literally jumped off my couch when you first popped up on screen and yelled "That's Rich from FourFour!!!" My kids thought I was NUTZ! So when do you get to be a guest judge on ANTM?
Posted by: Debby | January 26, 2012 at 01:16 PM
My mission to find a streaming link is ON!
I'm glad you came off well Rich, hope you get plenty more mind-bending, fake-lash studded, yet ultimately enlightening experiences in the way of your work.
"Shockingly nonrapey looking" is indeed sheer brilliance.
Posted by: Maja | January 27, 2012 at 07:39 AM