John Carter is so bad

It is unconscionable in 2012 for a movie to portray a white dude who infiltrates a non-white native culture and then turns out to be better at being a native than even the natives are. We've seen it for years, we saw it in Avatar and now we see this straight up white supremacy in John Carter. The title character, a former captain of the Confederate fucking Army, is ported over to Mars, where he encounters a race of four-armed green monster warriors. Because of his bone density (bone density!), he is innately superior, able to leap in massive bounds and thus can defeat legions of not-so-nice four-armed green dudes who confront him in orgiastic pilings-on. He is a super hero and his white skin is all the cape that he needs.

I am not familiar with Edgar Rice Burroughs' beloved Barsoom books, so I cannot say whether John Carter does them justice. If they promote the idea of the white man's innate heroism and superiority, however, they are some bullshit and they deserve this piss-poor Disney film adaptation, if not worse. I can say for certain that transplanting this universe from print to film is not without immediate unintentional humor: Barsoom (the Martian word for "Mars" here) sounds way too much like "bazoom" when it is said out loud. I kept thinking about that awful woman Henrietta in Showgirls whose tits popped properly only with Nomi's assistance.

There's a lot of really stupid vocabulary specific to John Carter. There is a Martian city-state called Helium, and when another race (made up mostly of white people) kept talking about "saving Helium" at the beginning of the film, I thought they were discussing the element and could not figure out why it was so crucial. Maybe one of them really, really liked balloons, I thought. Like, liked them-liked them. Maybe they were planning a birthday party. That would have been more fun than John Carter's central demand of its audience to parse out dialogue over perpetually swelling music in some of the worst sound mixing I've ever experienced. But then, when I realized that the people were just babbling nonsense words anyway, I figured I wasn't missing anything.

Soon after arriving on Mars, John is given some elixir that allows him to understand the Green Martians' language. Mostly, it just cures the movie of subtitles, since the white people who already live on Mars only speak in English, even before the elixir is administered. Nothing in their speech is altered by John's taking of the elixir and they can freely communicate with the Green Martians, as well. I can't even figure out where the logic is there (other than allowing us the satisfaction of watching savages assimilate to our ears on their own fucking planet). The Green Martians are still capable of speaking in Martian or Barsoomic or whatever it's called, however, as we hear in prayers and various other mutterings throughout. So the elxir is more a Band-aid than a cure, I guess.

Also on the linguistic tip, when John Carter meets Dejah Thoris, the human object of his affection who kind of looks like Hoopz rendered as a Disney princess, we find out that there are still plenty of vocabulary differences. Planet names, for example, differ on Earth and Mars, although Dejah refers to everything as the "solar system" so somehow the stars aligned for that phraseology to be universal.

I know that many of these are minor points and that science fiction demands a suspension of disbelief. I don't know that John Carter is at terms with its own logic. Right up front we're told that Mars is not the airless or dead planet that we think it is, "but it is dying." So we're almost right, I guess? Great excuse for a story, righting our half-wrongs with racism.

I also don't really know what this movie is about. Opposing forces, I guess? Going from Point A to Point B through the desert on a Tauntaun knock-off with no name? Sword play in a time of aircraft technology that exceeds what we currently have on Earth by thousands of years? A cave of gold? A script whose first uttered word is "Mars!" that then goes on to deliver bon mots like, "Where on Earth am I?" and "I claim the right to challenge!" and "War is  shameful thing!" and "We are strong because we despise weakness"?

This movie is a pile of shit. I liked John's flat-faced dog side-kick because he reminded me of Winston, and I look forward to cutting together a supercut of all of the instances of people saying "John Carter" throughout this movie because they say it so much. It stops making sense and, like most of what comes out of people's mouths in this movie, is merely just noise.

I also reviewed Silent House for this week. Surprise, surprise, I also hated that, much to my dismay. I would love a good horror movie right about now, and I love to love Elizabeth Olsen. Ugh. I wish a good movie would come out. Right now, my favorite movie of the year so far is The Vow. Fucking The Vow!

Comments

[Jennie]

gross. this movie sounds terrible. You should make a movie about Winston. I think it would be way more popular and meaningful.

[jeremy]

Of course Edgar Rice Burroughs' book is racist and sexist. I mean, dude wrote Tarzan, y'know? I wish it hadn't been rated R and had all the freaky Martian orgies and over-the-top violence of the books and, more recently, comix.

[claire]

Given when they were written, I'm sure the books were just as bad, if not worse. Although it would have been interesting if the movie adaptation had totally skipped over all the Big Strong White Man stuff and instead really tried to make it look Victorian or steam punk. As it is, it's just another shitty sci-fi movie with a guy shirtlessly wearing leather. The one thing that makes the story interesting is how old it is, but it's like the movie decided to ignore that and go with the racism instead.

[Nike Shox]

On the other hand, he said that taxi drivers have to deal with differing boundaries depending on the model of their taxi unit.

[john carter]

You all really have no idea what you are talking about... the movie was extremely bad and was a complete failure when trying to compare to the book. This is mostly due to the changes made to the story to make it appeal to a wider base but in my opinion simply the made the plot that much more confusing...

Moving on though, most of the people on the planet are not white... they are supposed to be red, although I guess disney thought a single red face tattoo was enough....
Then the part where he begins to understand the language; it
is due to the fact that telepathy is an inherent skill on mars so I guess his understanding was through this. Although in the book he still has to learn the language.
And the last comment I will make to your poor excuse of an article is the fact that he can move how he does, is not due to bone density... It is because he is used to the stronger gravity and thicker atmosphere of earth. For this reason, his muscles can allow him to do much much more while he is on Mars...
And sorry he had to be white, I don't think Edgar Rice Burroughs had equality on the mind when he wrote this in the 1910's

[BIll]

The big thing these days is to denounce movies where the theme is "white person saves the natives". Totally agree that this can be offensive. But what's not mentioned is that white people (or their analog) are always the villains, with one or a rare few of their numbers breaking ranks from what is apparently their entire race's innate evil. Meanwhile the "natives" are almost always noble beings, with one or two a-holes tossed in to provide a weak attempt at balance. So really, when drilled down, the premise of these movies is simple-minded and offensive all around.

[BIll]

Oh, and I love that finally a human gains powers when on another planet. Always thought it was lame that in sci-fi movies and shows, Earthlings are always the weakest physically and/or mentally. But that's just the inner-12-year-old sci-fi geek in me speaking :-)

[Tim Jones-Yelvington]

mr rich, the second you said bazooms you doomed me to singing OTTO TITSLING under my breath for the rest of the day.

[jeneria]

Burroughs' was writing at a time when white conquest was considered next to Godliness and while his views are outdated and even reprehensible, his novels serve as a good reminder to always consider novels in their proper historical context and to learn from their mistakes. What is disgusting is that Disney chose to make this movie in the same vein as the original text without modifying the reprehensible racist themes. In my mind, this is not the fault of Burroughs, but entirely the fault of Disney.

[Jessica]

So what I'm hearing you say is, "Go see The Vow!"

But I'm kind of repulsed by the premise.

[Bobby]

That thing he's riding probably inspired tauntauns, seeing as this is one of many works that "inspired" George Lucas.

[Account Deleted]

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[Account Deleted]

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[WRJ]

If it makes you feel better, the movie earned $500K this weekend. I.e., .02% of its budget.

[Allen]

I took my kids to see this movie this past weekend, at their behest, and I regretted every minute of it. The violence was copious and not really justified, which was somewhat unexpected in a Disney flick. There was blood (albeit blue) everywhere, kicking and fighting over newborn babies, "stupid savages" who couldn't control their warlike behavior, and on and on. I'm no prude, though I'd argue that we probably have it backwards in the ratio of sex to violence we allow in less than R rated entertainment, but this wasn't the sort of mock violence of Tarzan either; it was just wanton violence in a fig leaf. It didn't add to the excitement or the plot in any way. It had no underlying theme of good vs. evil (for the most part). It had no (believable) tension or danger for the protagonist. And it didn't advance the plot by overcoming any significant adversity... it was just there for its own sake.

I agree completely that the film was internally inconsistent as well. Completely different cultures -- not humans, but "Barsoomians" -- and yet the had the same ideas of marriage and family but they drank from a glass instead of feeding each other cake. How wild and crazy those Martians are.

I also agree that the mistake here was Disney making this into a movie that can neither be appreciated for its insight into the culture of Burrough's contemporaries (since it didn't stay true to the original story), not for its insights into how we (should at least try to) behave today, because there were none. That too may have been okay if it was just an action flick without any attempt at substance, like Transformers, but it actually had long, sleep inducing segments of vapid dialogue with no action. I must have nodded off half a dozen times, and without the large Coke to accompany me, I'd probably still be asleep in the theater.

This movie will appeal to a very limited segment in my opinion: those with a deep love of SciFi, though it's stretching things to call this SciFi, who are willing to overlook any flaws, no matter how deep, in order to get even the slightest escape from reality. I really wanted to like it as a popcorn action flick, but it deserves all the bad press it's received.

[Account Deleted]

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[eline]

I read this interview recently in which they ask why certain things in the movie are so and so and the explanations are so crazy lazy, I actually feel insulted by the existence of this movie.

http://io9.com/5891741/why-is-everyone-on-mars-british-and-other-pressing-john-carter-questions-answered

[matthew (hardcore ANTMer)]

Glad you chose Louise as your hero this week Rich! She was truly awesome in her stand against the bullshit. Looks like Kelly can dish it out but she can't take it herself. I know that's a cliché but I'm not the writer, you are lol

[Mara]

"The big thing these days is to denounce movies where the theme is "white person saves the natives"...But what's not mentioned is that white people (or their analog) are always the villains, with one or a rare few of their numbers breaking ranks from what is apparently their entire race's innate evil."

Lmao!! All this comment screams to me is 'Will no one think of the white people?!?!' If that's all you take away from movies like this, that they're "offensive all around" instead of looking at the history of white people and their horrible relations with minorities through the ages and the sad reality of the situation, well then your privilege has truly blinded you.

[jasper]

Don't know if you have seen El Orfanato. It's a great horror movie, my favourite from the last decade.

[Tim]

Eh. It was ridiculous and racist, but I didn't think it was terrible per se. I liked it about as much as I liked Avatar. I mean... it was basically the same movie. I'd take this over Twilight any day of the week.

[Ryan]

Just finished reading "Warlords of Mars." Some of the most admirable characters in the book are "black" Martians. Also, John Carter directly addresses his contemporaries racism. While describing the warrior Xodar he states that it is the very blackness of his skin that makes it so beautiful "which you may find strange coming from a Virginian." Or words to that effect. Also, the Red Martians, ERB's favorite of the races, are revealed to be a fusion of the black, white (who are the bad guys), and yellow races. Sounds pretty pro-race mixing to me.

I think people who think ERB is racist need to take a closer look at the text. Also, they need to realize the nature of the rhetorical devices that he uses ("framing" the story, breaking the 4th wall). I think ERB was the opposite of a racist.

[Critic]

Worst movie I have seen in 3 years. Pitiful mindless watse of amazing CGI.

There is a great dog type character though!

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