Through Kim, the birth of Venus met the death of penis and the world (or at least the mirror of a funhouse mirror that is the ANTM universe) collapsed under the weight of all the gender confusion. Or maybe Kim just kind of blew -- only pictorially, of course. But don't worry about Kim, as long as she keeps that cigarette in her ear, she's destined to make her name in whatever sexually typical field she enters, be it political craft-making or the lumber industry.
Thank thee, Lord Tyra
For all my many blessings,
Such as Bre's continued presence
And divine nastiness
Thank thee, Lord.
I have bread, thank thee, Lord.
Haterade, too.
For room and board.
Thank thee, Lord.
For friends and family who don't touch my food.
God takes such good care of me.
Amen
Note: I'm hoping (praying, even) to have the full recap up some time on Friday. But that might not happen -- as much as I would have loved to hole up in a room and obsess about this shit, I had a family to tend to, with Thursday being Thanksgiving at all. Besides, don't you have shopping to do?
I'm shocked, you're shocked, Lisa's shocked. Her elimination is most disheartening because Lisa played the game so well (I wish I could insert some sports analogy or Yogi Bera-ism, but alas, I enjoy penis too much to have had time to amass such knowledge). She played ANTM too well to land outside the Top 3. Her pictures were so consistent that this week's episode was the first time ever she landed in the Bottom 2. That's quite a batting average or RBI thingie or yards ran or however you say it.
Remember the times we shared?
The snacks we ate?
The untimely exit?
Even before the elimination, it was clear last night that things were not the same:
I'm really gonna miss her . . .
. . . I loved that limo. I hope it had a good life after the girls left for London.
Really though, how fucked up was booting Lisa? She was supposed to make Top 2!
Full recap tomorrow, of course!
Edit: If you're devastated by the loss of Lisa, hit Nervous Breakdown and sit cybershiva with him. All of those deeply affected by this tragedy need to stick together.
Bitches, stop your whining! That finale was brilliant. Who cares if there was no elimination? That means more episodes of this shit! I know that Tyra's constantly manipulating us with her gimmicks and ploys, but god, I'll be a puppet for her any day of the week. I love the way she strings me along. Especially when that involves freaking out, Jennifer Holiday style (good call, Fresh). Clearly, she's pledged allegiance to great programming.
Continue reading "And you and you and you and you and you and you!!!" »
You know how I do: the recap will be up Friday.
As a teaser, here's a gif to help you relive one of the greatest ANTM moments of all time: the pride parade that erupted after Tyra announced that there would be no elimination and that all six of the girls should pack their bags (y'all) for LONDON!!!!!!!!!
It went something like this:
Congratulations, ANTM. You're still in the running towards becoming the gayest shit I've ever seen in my life.
I love you just because.
Finally, I get to share my performance of the amazingly unnecessary task of recapping a recap episode:
I know I'm falling right into the animosity this show has planned out for me, but seriously, Jayla has me seething. The more I see of her, the less I like her. Sadly, I think this means she's going to be around for longer than she should be (like she isn't already!), as she's clearly won the should-be-coveted role of the house bitch. They could have presented her as the bitch as early as the first episode, but they totally built up only to drop us into this chasm of cuntiness.
I think Jayla used her Jehovah's Witness powers on this site, making the recap that I posted earlier this morning virtually image-free (thus, pointless). I have no idea what the fuck is going on, but believe me when I say I'm pissed. Typepad, you are a stupid, stupid bitch.
Working hard on getting this fucking bitch shit sorted out.
Update: Yeah, I don't know, the images that I uploaded are not in my file folder. I won't be able to fix this problem until tonight, when I'm on my home computer.
I have failed you.
As penance, I've been listening to this on repeat and pretending that Coryn is talking about me. It really hurts.
Arrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Seriously, though, what kinda shit was that? ANTM's clips show usually airs right before the finale, reviewing the entire (menstrual) cycle, like it should. Note to Tyra: we aren't the models! Our brains actually have the capacity to follow this shit without having to flash back halfway through the cycle.
The worst thing is, though, that with the previously un-aired footage, I should have been able to whip up a recap real quick like. And I would have, if only Carly didn't force all that Moet down my throat last night. I don't know about anybody else, but I love bubbles.
So, sorry for the non-post. We'll see what I can drum up for tomorrow, given the rehashed source material.
But even before I knew that last night's show was going to be a non-show, I had planned on making the following announcement: From now on, ANTM recaps will be posted on Fridays. I love having something to offer the next day, and riding the wave inside the water cooler, but it's almost impossible to do so while keeping my sanity. When I cram all of the work into one night, I'm dead for two days. I know that all this shit seems totally tossed off, and it probably shouldn't have me up till 6 a.m., but the fact is that gathering screenshots, sound bites and whatever semblance of cleverness I can muster is an all-night process. So, sorry guys, it's just the way it's gotta be. If someone wants to pay me for this shit, however, I'll reconsider.
By the way: Jayla is such a bitch.
With just a flick of her wrist (in Bre's direction), Tyra Banks has once again turned my world upside down. I was not expecting poor, empty Kyle to exit so soon (nor was she, tear upon tear proved). Much as I love her, I really thought it was Bre's turn to go. Lucky me, I guess.
I do wish that Kyle had some sort of a weird mouth thing going on so I could have called this recap "Toothy Kyle."
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