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You will see me again

 

With last week's end of America's Next Top Model Cycle 15, I thought this cut of exit interviews throughout the years was appropriate. Above are some of the more self-aggrandizing examples that being eliminated has produced -- so many of these girls vow to us that we'll see them again and that they'll be as big as Tyra Banks promised. How many of the 50 or so girls above have made good on that promise? The answer, of course, is virtually zero (I guess Fatima has done all right?). I don't know if that makes this video hilarious or so, so sad (but I'm thinking it's the latter).

This cliche is, of course, prevalent on unscripted TV in general (American Idol has a large number of people who voice such this-isn't-the-last-you've-seen-of-me sentiment), but I think it's hilarious how many examples come from ANTM alone. A lot of girls would kill to be saying, "A lot of girls would kill..." upon being eliminated from clown school, apparently.

(All credit goes to reader Mike [aka rustyspigot] for giving me this idea over a year ago. Sometimes I'm a little slow on the uptake, but I generally come around.)

Curses! Foiled again!

By now, this is kinda old news, but I'm still getting email about it, sooo...

ANTM alumnae Danielle, Jaslene and Bianca all walked in last week's Project Runway finals.

See?

Blogging Project Runway's Laura K. pointed me to some hi-rez shots of the girls. View them here, here and here.

(Danielle at a different angle is here, too.)

I obviously was in no rush to put these up, but I finally relented. As one reader, Michelle K., put it: "It just goes to show - no matter how hard you try to fight it projrun will always haunt you!" So true! And that is why I frequently cry myself to sleep.

Thanks to everyone who sent these to me!

Cream of the Top

The homoeroticism! The impetigo! The snaggle tooth! The princess of the throne! The shrub named Cousin It! The bitch who poured beer on Tiffany's weave! It was all repackaged and broadcast last night in the space-filler special Top Model Exposed. Despite being recently accused of "worshiping" the show, I don't think that the case could be made that I'm anything but (lovingly!) critical of it. However, one thing that I'll never have anything but admiration for is the editing, which is superb not just for reality TV, but TV period. It is, to put it ANTMly, as tight as Nigel's ass. Because of this, TME was thoroughly watchable, as it organized major themes from various cycles (semi-finals drama, phone drama, hair drama, drama drama, etc.) and featured past contestants discussing them (because, let's face it: what else do these girls have to do but relive their reality TV glory?). The only segments that the show was missing were spots on the black bitches of ANTM history and a roundup of ailments. But that could still be on the way: part 2 of this thing airs next week. Whoo-hoo.

If you missed it, this clip is a great indication of how the show worked. In it, various girls talk about Miss J's contribution to the show and their lives. Nothing brings out the fun like some gender confusion!

Oh, but maybe the special's biggest revelation was this shot:

For the first time in years, ANTM has acknowledged Adrianne Curry's participation in the show (albeit for a split second). So she does exist!

After the jump, a quick rundown of what really matters: how everyone looks!

I couldn't be prouder if I had assisted in her creation

Jade takes up Page 5 of the January issue of Vibe:

I'm so happy for her that I'm willing to forgive the Sister Patterson hairline. Entirely! I don't know where Apple Bottoms fall on the cool scale, as my bottom is no apple and I am, you know, male, but I think that this has to be a positive thing for her. Yay, Happy Positive Jade Thing!

A few other ANTM-oriented things are after the jump. But first an update: What follows is a spoiler, according to many disgruntled people in the comments who, apparently, don't agree with the general truth that the Internet waits for no one. I consider reality show eliminations to be events, not plot points, per se, and I have no problem discussing them as they happen, without warning. I understand that TiVo has changed our viewing habits, but really, once something has happened, it's happened, and if you need to keep yourself pure, you should probably avoid places that could defile you. Like this blog.

I moved the additional items of this post to under the jump because I'm not a dick, and I don't want to spoil things for people. But if I already did earlier, you should be at least as mad at yourself for checking this blog as you are at me for revealing last night's eliminated contestant.

Not that this is a big deal or anything, but damn.

Waiting for tonight

To get you ready for tonight's cycle premiere of ANTM, I've compiled a greatest-hits package of sorts after the jump: it's a big cluster of some of my favorite animated gifs I've made over the cycles. On my own and via some help (thanks to Erin and Caitlin), I've noticed a few sites have made big posts of gifs that I've taken and I have to say that a sea of mugging Tyras all on one page is pretty fucking hypnotizing. So, to reclaim what I've essentially taken from television, I thought I'd compile my own. Call it a wall of motion. Call it my art. Call it the extent of my accomplishment in my 28 years on earth.

Going over my files, I found the first Tyra gif I ever made in a folder simply titled "Tyra gif." To think that there was a day when there was just one!

And now, grabbing frames from DVD and threading them together is practically second nature to me. I've evolved so much as a person! Thank you, ANTM!

Keep in mind that there are tons of gifs below, so the page is going to take a while to load. Hit the jump an then go do something productive. I suggest flossing. Seriously, it's important and there's no worse smell on earth than plaque breath. You don't want people to think you have a rotting corpse in your mouth when you talk to them, do you?

ANTM: WATN? WTF?

We're around the midpoint between ANTM cycles and waaaaaah! I miss it. I've been following Canada's Next Top Model every week via torrents -- though I haven't been much inspired to blog about it, I really do love it. Go...uh...girl with the red hair and blunt cut whose name I can't remember and won't look up for fear of spoiling this week's episode for myself (I haven't watched it yet).

Anyway, Liz of Liz Is Working sent me an email titled, "Awesome ANTM involving hot dogs," that inspired this post. As much I was hoping that someone had cracked open Natasha's head so we could see her Oscar Mayers once and for all, I wasn't disappointed when that turned out to not be the case.

But first: some where are they now (or, if you like abbreviations, WATN) for background. It's hard out there for a former ANTM contestant, but I think it might be getting a bit easier. Cycle 5 Bre's in some commercial I haven't seen and Cycle 2's Mercedes is slangin' for Chili's. Jaslene is on the cover of Latina, which is a pretty fucking big deal.

(Source: topmodel LiveJournal)

I also read (probably on that LiveJournal, as well, so take it with a grain of salt even though it's often correct) that she's been tapped to be the face of Eve's Fetish label when it relaunches. Anyway, at the very, it would seem to counter the "ANTM winner's curse" shit people like to talk about.

Also, Cycle 7's Eugena has been working for South Pole for a while (she had a huge billboard up in Times Square earlier this year for months). She's in the latest Vibe posing with Mario:

I only wish that she were posing with Ne-Yo in some sort of ANTM-inspired celebrity-doppelganger setup.

Oh, and Mollie Sue shot a Diesel campaign...not that you can tell that it's her in the picture, or anything.

But of course, for every success (of a most likely temporary nature as this business moves fast!), there are about 5,000 signs of struggling from other girls on the show. Cycle 2's Shandi and Cycle 8's Kathleen resurfaced in this fredflare.com thingy looking like rat on ass and ass on rat, respectively.

(Thanks to karenzero for the heads-up.)

And then there was the shoot Cycle 1's Robin did, in which she posed in various churchy hats like the princess of the throne she is (she and Monique, alike):

Admit it: one look at these had you lustin'.

And who could forget Cycle 6 Joanie's turn as a wig model, the subject of many a chortle at the Television Without Pity forums:

Up till Liz's email, I thought that this was the worst post-ANTM, semi-public gig recorded. And then I saw a picture that Liz took at Coney Island on July 4...

The best...of the bunch

Congratulations. You've made it through another cycle of America's Next Top Model with brain cells to spare. I mean, you can read this, right? That's at least some mental capacity. No really, congratulations.

Just kidding: everybody knows this show makes you smarter. Or at least, you feel that way watching girls who believed that guy who once told them, "You should be a model!" bumble their way through nominally useful antics and take wild stabs at what any given piece of Tyra Mail could mean. That's saying nothing about the joy derived from seeing all of the show's authority figures bumble their way through the wacky world of the English language. Good old ANTM! I think I miss the feeling of superiority it gives me most of all. Well, that and Jade.

What follows is my final recap of Cycle 6, an overview of all of the episodes. Included is a Top 10 list of my favorite moments, chosen for hilarity and variety alike (otherwise footage of Jade would easily occupy five of these spots). Instead of just reposting screenshots I already took and rehashing what I've already said, I decided to post video of most of these moments (with downloadable AVIs accompanying most, for those who hate YouTube). Yeah, I know that this shit is over and it's time to move on, but I think by revisiting the cycle one last time, I can reduce sting of it going away for so many months. Because, you see, sometimes the needs of one outweigh the needs of the many. And if you understand what I'm talkin' about, let me hear you say, "Yeah!"

The clump stops here

Care to revisit that magical moment once again?

This probably wouldn't surprise most, but it surprised me: I spent most of Thursday elated over this. I didn't know I cared that much! Now I know how it is to feel when your favorite sports team wins. I took the gayest route to get there, mind you, but I'm there all the same. Yeeee!

I mean, how satisfying was that? She's a CoverGirl, Mommy! And, as though this whole thing couldn't tug at the heartstrings more, Danielle has revealed that she's going to buy her undoubtedly awesome mother a car. Yeee squared!

Danielle winning was such a great shock. And to think, while watching the episode I was all ready to prepare a post that said something like, "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your Top Model:"

I'm so glad that I didn't have to go there!

Shut cho mouth and say it ain't so!

On second thought, leave it open. Anything goes, Danielle, you special, special girl.

Fucking brilliant.

Tyra, I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you most because you know exactly how I feel.

A full recap will be up Friday, of course. I just had to get this out.

Nips don't lie

As kdub just pointed out in the comments section of the last recap, Tuesday's rebroadcast of last week's episode showed Mr. Jay's nipple -- I hope you're sitting down -- unpixelated! I know: scandal! No idea what the reason for the change is. All I know is that now I can present to you Jay Manuel's nipple in all its uncensored glory. Please try to refrain from licking your computer screen.

I'm a little disappointed that it isn't purple or three inches long. Still, I implore you to...

...love it, love it, love it, luuuuhhhhhuuuuuvvvvvvvv it.