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You will see me again

 

With last week's end of America's Next Top Model Cycle 15, I thought this cut of exit interviews throughout the years was appropriate. Above are some of the more self-aggrandizing examples that being eliminated has produced -- so many of these girls vow to us that we'll see them again and that they'll be as big as Tyra Banks promised. How many of the 50 or so girls above have made good on that promise? The answer, of course, is virtually zero (I guess Fatima has done all right?). I don't know if that makes this video hilarious or so, so sad (but I'm thinking it's the latter).

This cliche is, of course, prevalent on unscripted TV in general (American Idol has a large number of people who voice such this-isn't-the-last-you've-seen-of-me sentiment), but I think it's hilarious how many examples come from ANTM alone. A lot of girls would kill to be saying, "A lot of girls would kill..." upon being eliminated from clown school, apparently.

(All credit goes to reader Mike [aka rustyspigot] for giving me this idea over a year ago. Sometimes I'm a little slow on the uptake, but I generally come around.)

Cream of the Top

The homoeroticism! The impetigo! The snaggle tooth! The princess of the throne! The shrub named Cousin It! The bitch who poured beer on Tiffany's weave! It was all repackaged and broadcast last night in the space-filler special Top Model Exposed. Despite being recently accused of "worshiping" the show, I don't think that the case could be made that I'm anything but (lovingly!) critical of it. However, one thing that I'll never have anything but admiration for is the editing, which is superb not just for reality TV, but TV period. It is, to put it ANTMly, as tight as Nigel's ass. Because of this, TME was thoroughly watchable, as it organized major themes from various cycles (semi-finals drama, phone drama, hair drama, drama drama, etc.) and featured past contestants discussing them (because, let's face it: what else do these girls have to do but relive their reality TV glory?). The only segments that the show was missing were spots on the black bitches of ANTM history and a roundup of ailments. But that could still be on the way: part 2 of this thing airs next week. Whoo-hoo.

If you missed it, this clip is a great indication of how the show worked. In it, various girls talk about Miss J's contribution to the show and their lives. Nothing brings out the fun like some gender confusion!

Oh, but maybe the special's biggest revelation was this shot:

For the first time in years, ANTM has acknowledged Adrianne Curry's participation in the show (albeit for a split second). So she does exist!

After the jump, a quick rundown of what really matters: how everyone looks!

Waiting for tonight

To get you ready for tonight's cycle premiere of ANTM, I've compiled a greatest-hits package of sorts after the jump: it's a big cluster of some of my favorite animated gifs I've made over the cycles. On my own and via some help (thanks to Erin and Caitlin), I've noticed a few sites have made big posts of gifs that I've taken and I have to say that a sea of mugging Tyras all on one page is pretty fucking hypnotizing. So, to reclaim what I've essentially taken from television, I thought I'd compile my own. Call it a wall of motion. Call it my art. Call it the extent of my accomplishment in my 28 years on earth.

Going over my files, I found the first Tyra gif I ever made in a folder simply titled "Tyra gif." To think that there was a day when there was just one!

And now, grabbing frames from DVD and threading them together is practically second nature to me. I've evolved so much as a person! Thank you, ANTM!

Keep in mind that there are tons of gifs below, so the page is going to take a while to load. Hit the jump an then go do something productive. I suggest flossing. Seriously, it's important and there's no worse smell on earth than plaque breath. You don't want people to think you have a rotting corpse in your mouth when you talk to them, do you?

ANTM: WATN? WTF?

We're around the midpoint between ANTM cycles and waaaaaah! I miss it. I've been following Canada's Next Top Model every week via torrents -- though I haven't been much inspired to blog about it, I really do love it. Go...uh...girl with the red hair and blunt cut whose name I can't remember and won't look up for fear of spoiling this week's episode for myself (I haven't watched it yet).

Anyway, Liz of Liz Is Working sent me an email titled, "Awesome ANTM involving hot dogs," that inspired this post. As much I was hoping that someone had cracked open Natasha's head so we could see her Oscar Mayers once and for all, I wasn't disappointed when that turned out to not be the case.

But first: some where are they now (or, if you like abbreviations, WATN) for background. It's hard out there for a former ANTM contestant, but I think it might be getting a bit easier. Cycle 5 Bre's in some commercial I haven't seen and Cycle 2's Mercedes is slangin' for Chili's. Jaslene is on the cover of Latina, which is a pretty fucking big deal.

(Source: topmodel LiveJournal)

I also read (probably on that LiveJournal, as well, so take it with a grain of salt even though it's often correct) that she's been tapped to be the face of Eve's Fetish label when it relaunches. Anyway, at the very, it would seem to counter the "ANTM winner's curse" shit people like to talk about.

Also, Cycle 7's Eugena has been working for South Pole for a while (she had a huge billboard up in Times Square earlier this year for months). She's in the latest Vibe posing with Mario:

I only wish that she were posing with Ne-Yo in some sort of ANTM-inspired celebrity-doppelganger setup.

Oh, and Mollie Sue shot a Diesel campaign...not that you can tell that it's her in the picture, or anything.

But of course, for every success (of a most likely temporary nature as this business moves fast!), there are about 5,000 signs of struggling from other girls on the show. Cycle 2's Shandi and Cycle 8's Kathleen resurfaced in this fredflare.com thingy looking like rat on ass and ass on rat, respectively.

(Thanks to karenzero for the heads-up.)

And then there was the shoot Cycle 1's Robin did, in which she posed in various churchy hats like the princess of the throne she is (she and Monique, alike):

Admit it: one look at these had you lustin'.

And who could forget Cycle 6 Joanie's turn as a wig model, the subject of many a chortle at the Television Without Pity forums:

Up till Liz's email, I thought that this was the worst post-ANTM, semi-public gig recorded. And then I saw a picture that Liz took at Coney Island on July 4...

America's next...pretty...something

"I'm America's Next Top Model, baby. Yeah." Don't sound too excited, Cari!

It would seem that CariDee is smarter than she's let on, if her instantly waning enthusiasm after winning ANTM is any indication. A self-referential end to a self-referential cycle. Kinda anti-climactic, huh?

Yay!

It probably means very little for the future, save a series of commercials in which she explains in no kind of detail how awesome it is to film a...commercial, but for now I am extremely happy for CariDee.

More on this on Monday. Don't worry, I'm not going to pull the shit that I did with the Project Runway finale.

In the meantime, a word of advice for CariDee: try to refrain from following your leader.

"Leader."

Wait, wasn't she eliminated last episode?

"It's kinda like I'm breaking up with Top Model. But I got broken up with." Well, that's what happens when you base your relationships on sex!

Out and out

For her final trick, I really wanted Michelle to put her tongue between those two fingers, further highlighting her status as America's next top (or possibly bottom -- who knows?) lez. Missed opportunity!

Another missed opportunity: it only now strikes me that I dropped the ball with her. Why didn't it occur to me to call her a lesbitwin? Why, God, why? (Although Emily Magazine did just that, so I didn't have to!)

Jaeda dissed

Jaeda bitched and bitched and bitched about her short hair making her look like a boy. And yet, she'd sit like she was housing a pair of grapefruit in her scrotum.

I will not miss her.

Suck it out

Anchal says: "Stop! Don't look at me."

First of all: Way to be a model. The only thing models hate more than people looking at them is people taking pictures of them. Next thing you're gonna tell me is that she routinely eats sausage and four-egg omelettes!

Second of all: If only not looking at her were possible...

...If only it were possible.