fourfour

You will see me again

 

With last week's end of America's Next Top Model Cycle 15, I thought this cut of exit interviews throughout the years was appropriate. Above are some of the more self-aggrandizing examples that being eliminated has produced -- so many of these girls vow to us that we'll see them again and that they'll be as big as Tyra Banks promised. How many of the 50 or so girls above have made good on that promise? The answer, of course, is virtually zero (I guess Fatima has done all right?). I don't know if that makes this video hilarious or so, so sad (but I'm thinking it's the latter).

This cliche is, of course, prevalent on unscripted TV in general (American Idol has a large number of people who voice such this-isn't-the-last-you've-seen-of-me sentiment), but I think it's hilarious how many examples come from ANTM alone. A lot of girls would kill to be saying, "A lot of girls would kill..." upon being eliminated from clown school, apparently.

(All credit goes to reader Mike [aka rustyspigot] for giving me this idea over a year ago. Sometimes I'm a little slow on the uptake, but I generally come around.)

Another day, another ANTM-related painting

A few weeks ago, a reader named Gary sent me this email:

may i mail you a painting? i work with people with developmental disabilities and one of them painted one of your all time antm faves...

let me know!

And I was like, "May you!" And so he did. And it arrived.

Curses! Foiled again!

By now, this is kinda old news, but I'm still getting email about it, sooo...

ANTM alumnae Danielle, Jaslene and Bianca all walked in last week's Project Runway finals.

See?

Blogging Project Runway's Laura K. pointed me to some hi-rez shots of the girls. View them here, here and here.

(Danielle at a different angle is here, too.)

I obviously was in no rush to put these up, but I finally relented. As one reader, Michelle K., put it: "It just goes to show - no matter how hard you try to fight it projrun will always haunt you!" So true! And that is why I frequently cry myself to sleep.

Thanks to everyone who sent these to me!

Cream of the Top

The homoeroticism! The impetigo! The snaggle tooth! The princess of the throne! The shrub named Cousin It! The bitch who poured beer on Tiffany's weave! It was all repackaged and broadcast last night in the space-filler special Top Model Exposed. Despite being recently accused of "worshiping" the show, I don't think that the case could be made that I'm anything but (lovingly!) critical of it. However, one thing that I'll never have anything but admiration for is the editing, which is superb not just for reality TV, but TV period. It is, to put it ANTMly, as tight as Nigel's ass. Because of this, TME was thoroughly watchable, as it organized major themes from various cycles (semi-finals drama, phone drama, hair drama, drama drama, etc.) and featured past contestants discussing them (because, let's face it: what else do these girls have to do but relive their reality TV glory?). The only segments that the show was missing were spots on the black bitches of ANTM history and a roundup of ailments. But that could still be on the way: part 2 of this thing airs next week. Whoo-hoo.

If you missed it, this clip is a great indication of how the show worked. In it, various girls talk about Miss J's contribution to the show and their lives. Nothing brings out the fun like some gender confusion!

Oh, but maybe the special's biggest revelation was this shot:

For the first time in years, ANTM has acknowledged Adrianne Curry's participation in the show (albeit for a split second). So she does exist!

After the jump, a quick rundown of what really matters: how everyone looks!

Waiting for tonight

To get you ready for tonight's cycle premiere of ANTM, I've compiled a greatest-hits package of sorts after the jump: it's a big cluster of some of my favorite animated gifs I've made over the cycles. On my own and via some help (thanks to Erin and Caitlin), I've noticed a few sites have made big posts of gifs that I've taken and I have to say that a sea of mugging Tyras all on one page is pretty fucking hypnotizing. So, to reclaim what I've essentially taken from television, I thought I'd compile my own. Call it a wall of motion. Call it my art. Call it the extent of my accomplishment in my 28 years on earth.

Going over my files, I found the first Tyra gif I ever made in a folder simply titled "Tyra gif." To think that there was a day when there was just one!

And now, grabbing frames from DVD and threading them together is practically second nature to me. I've evolved so much as a person! Thank you, ANTM!

Keep in mind that there are tons of gifs below, so the page is going to take a while to load. Hit the jump an then go do something productive. I suggest flossing. Seriously, it's important and there's no worse smell on earth than plaque breath. You don't want people to think you have a rotting corpse in your mouth when you talk to them, do you?

Just cuz you might care

If my calculations (and by "calculations," I mean "archives") are correct, we still have about a month to wait before we even see the new ANTM girls. That's a depressing thought. Here's an even more depressing thought: I very well could be spending my life waiting around for the next cycle of America's Next Top Model to start. I'm not sure if that's the case, but it's more than a little possible.

Anyway, to pass the time, you can check out a few Polaroids Cycle 8's Brit-tit-tit-tit and Natasha took at Confessions of a Casting Director. Here are Brit's and here are Natasha's. And here are previews:

Brit's hair seems managed. She's come so far! Meanwhile, Natasha has never looked hotter. You know she has Tyra's sage advice to thank for that, too. I feel myself aroused. (Thanks to Annie and Pascale for the heads-up.)

Oh, and speaking of pictures and, uh, "realilty," I went to see Poison in New Jersey on Saturday. It was kind of awesome. But only kind of, for it was not the cultural experience I'd hoped for, at least as far as rubbing elbows with the audience was concerned. It was just kinda just...Jersey. Not hyper-mega-old-is-the-new New Jersey that it should have been. Anyway, I did take some shots of the more colorful fans I spotted -- they're up on the VH1 blog here. These women are my favorite:

They are so fucking full of joy and Poison, I can't stand it. With their big-ass margaritas and cigarettes and denim and that amazing shirt ("What happens in this shirt stays in this shirt"). I swear, I wanted to run up to them, embrace them and be like, "Are you my mommies?" I wonder her shirt refers to nursing at all? They had two guys with them who (politely) refused to be in the shot. The one's reason was that he had too many "identifying marks," whatever the fuck that means. "Plus, you don't want guys in the picture." Uh, actually...

And yes, I really do love these women (I mean, as much as I can, they're just my mommies and all) and I'm not just being smug and derisive and ironic, just like I really love that ventriloquist couple that I posted earlier this month. There are many kinds of love, people, and I have a big fucking heart. Give some credit.

ANTM: WATN? WTF?

We're around the midpoint between ANTM cycles and waaaaaah! I miss it. I've been following Canada's Next Top Model every week via torrents -- though I haven't been much inspired to blog about it, I really do love it. Go...uh...girl with the red hair and blunt cut whose name I can't remember and won't look up for fear of spoiling this week's episode for myself (I haven't watched it yet).

Anyway, Liz of Liz Is Working sent me an email titled, "Awesome ANTM involving hot dogs," that inspired this post. As much I was hoping that someone had cracked open Natasha's head so we could see her Oscar Mayers once and for all, I wasn't disappointed when that turned out to not be the case.

But first: some where are they now (or, if you like abbreviations, WATN) for background. It's hard out there for a former ANTM contestant, but I think it might be getting a bit easier. Cycle 5 Bre's in some commercial I haven't seen and Cycle 2's Mercedes is slangin' for Chili's. Jaslene is on the cover of Latina, which is a pretty fucking big deal.

(Source: topmodel LiveJournal)

I also read (probably on that LiveJournal, as well, so take it with a grain of salt even though it's often correct) that she's been tapped to be the face of Eve's Fetish label when it relaunches. Anyway, at the very, it would seem to counter the "ANTM winner's curse" shit people like to talk about.

Also, Cycle 7's Eugena has been working for South Pole for a while (she had a huge billboard up in Times Square earlier this year for months). She's in the latest Vibe posing with Mario:

I only wish that she were posing with Ne-Yo in some sort of ANTM-inspired celebrity-doppelganger setup.

Oh, and Mollie Sue shot a Diesel campaign...not that you can tell that it's her in the picture, or anything.

But of course, for every success (of a most likely temporary nature as this business moves fast!), there are about 5,000 signs of struggling from other girls on the show. Cycle 2's Shandi and Cycle 8's Kathleen resurfaced in this fredflare.com thingy looking like rat on ass and ass on rat, respectively.

(Thanks to karenzero for the heads-up.)

And then there was the shoot Cycle 1's Robin did, in which she posed in various churchy hats like the princess of the throne she is (she and Monique, alike):

Admit it: one look at these had you lustin'.

And who could forget Cycle 6 Joanie's turn as a wig model, the subject of many a chortle at the Television Without Pity forums:

Up till Liz's email, I thought that this was the worst post-ANTM, semi-public gig recorded. And then I saw a picture that Liz took at Coney Island on July 4...

HasWeen, Will...Model?

After keeping us waiting for an entire cycle, Janice Dickinson finally graced us with her presence.

I'm sorry to say that I think she's between facelifts right now.

But for real: big ups to Jaslene on the win, and bigger ups to M, who in the comments section of the last post, ingeniously dubbed her HasWeen, thus providing part of the name of this recap. That's brilliance worth biting.

I was going to upload Shalamar's "Second Time Around" as sort of a celebration, a fiesta, nay, nay, a feesta for our one-time ANTM reject...

...but you know, I don't really like that song. "Make That Move" is so much better. So here it is. Try to restrain yourself from voguing. There's a lot of fierceness in this episode and, girl, you can't really compete.

¡Felicidades!

Yay. A girl with an accent who speaks Spanish is America's Next Top Model. Yay.

For real, though: Good for Jaslene.

Oh, but not happier than I am. Recap Monday. Of course.

Whola...hey, no fair!

This week the only baby animal being consumed is my beloved Dionne. Sorry -- I just can't bring myself to brew up a sassy anecdote or bitchy quip. Plus, you know, I don't want to say anything that could be misconstrued as "mean" and have someone kick me off my own blog or try to tell me that I'm scowling with my words or whatever.

At one point, I thought Dionne was going to win this thing. Well, like her, I'll be damned. For all eternity!