There's a song on the new Feist album called "Sealion." It's a reinterpretation of Nina Simone's "See Line Woman" that, per Feist's revision, describes a "sea lion woman." I never was able to envision exactly what that would look like until I saw this screen shot of Brit-tit-tit-tit in the peak of her freak out. I have this crazy urge to toss some fish at my screen.
My cab driver Extenuating circumstances Technical difficulties have prevented this week's ANTM recap from being up on time. Sucks! Sorry! Tomorrow! Promise.
"Whud id doo shawties?" Natasha here bringing sexy back to all the boys and ladies and lads and midgets. Today, I will be your corrosponent here to cursturbate your journey through the first section of America's Next Top Model, Bicycle 8. We get down like black on sheep after the leap, shoebags!
Continue reading "Recap of the Recap: Natashaspeak Edition" »
When I was young, my next-door neighbor, for a brief period, had this Shar Pei that was just kind of wrong in the head. She was alternately sweet and aggressive and her saliva had the consistency of mayonnaise. One time, she got free from the yard, and so I chased after her. She scurried under this huge evergreen, whose branches hung low and thick enough to create sort of an enclosed den. Inside, I saw her devour (or more like, inhale) one by one, what must have been recently born bunnies, pink and hairless. Immediately after, I described them to my mom as looking like "hot dogs with eyes." More accurately, they looked like this:
I do not have an ANTM recap prepared for today. There are several reasons for this. Here are three:
- The weather - I mean, come on. I couldn't possibly be expected to be cooped up for the bulk of New York's first gorgeous weekend of the year, right?
- Björk - She's the devil, sucking up all my time with 5.1 mixes of all of her albums that I can finally take advantage of, now that I've joined the 21st century and acquired surround sound. But seriously, wow. Her later work sounds like it was composed in 3-D. I haven't loved her this much in five years. And then there was SNL, featuring this brilliance, which wasn't hurt at all by this meh-ness. Regardless, the fact stands that if Volta is released in 5.1, I may never post again.
- Potes from Television Without Pity - I could have gotten an early start on the recap last week, but one night last week was devoted to dinner with Potes, who writes the ANTM (and now Ugly Betty) recaps at Television Without Pity. Meeting Potes was meeting a hero, as no writer has been more influential on my television writing (and maybe writing, period) than she. In person, she is just as wonderful as her recaps. I briefly documented this meeting of the junk-fueled minds via a picture:
We went through a few, but ultimately decided that we nailed it on this, the second shot. We also both went for the 3/4 face, because we figured it was the most flattering. See? ANTM totally has redeeming value. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't have a clue about what to do with my face, both on camera and off. Seriously, I'm sure it would slide right off my head.
Anyway, Potes' recap is up (early!) so go read that. My recap will be up Tuesday morning at the latest. Sorry! I know I'm a bastard person and you hate me and my ass face. Me too. Me too.
You know, until the scene from which these screencaps were taken, I never saw Whitney's purported resemblance to Bobbi Kris. Now I see the light, but it's too late. Chaka Khan.
CHAKA KHAN!
Other names considered for the title of this post include: No Moe; The twitch is sacked; A twitch in time saves no one; My favorite Ministry album is Twitch; Clay aches; and, of course: Wholahay.
Ousting a plus-size girl is almost like shooting fish in a barrel. A really, really big fish with eyes that are popping out as if to say, "Whoa, with all the lipids and cholesterol and whatnot swimmin' up in this here body, it's gettin' kinda hectic!"
More accurately, ousting a plus-size girl is even more like shooting tuna in a giant hoop earring.
To quote the immeasurably brilliant Fudge: Eat it or wear it! Eat it or wear it!
Regarding this week's photo shoot, Felicia says: "He's sayin' you have to be dead, yet alive in the face. It's sort of like oxymoron, and I'm thinkin', how are you supposed to do that and be dead?" The show's called America's Next Top Model, not America's Next Top Logic! See ya!
I have nothing to say about Cassandra's departure (I mean, do you other than, "Bout time!"?). But I do have a question...
Who wore it best?
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