fourfour

You will see me again

 

With last week's end of America's Next Top Model Cycle 15, I thought this cut of exit interviews throughout the years was appropriate. Above are some of the more self-aggrandizing examples that being eliminated has produced -- so many of these girls vow to us that we'll see them again and that they'll be as big as Tyra Banks promised. How many of the 50 or so girls above have made good on that promise? The answer, of course, is virtually zero (I guess Fatima has done all right?). I don't know if that makes this video hilarious or so, so sad (but I'm thinking it's the latter).

This cliche is, of course, prevalent on unscripted TV in general (American Idol has a large number of people who voice such this-isn't-the-last-you've-seen-of-me sentiment), but I think it's hilarious how many examples come from ANTM alone. A lot of girls would kill to be saying, "A lot of girls would kill..." upon being eliminated from clown school, apparently.

(All credit goes to reader Mike [aka rustyspigot] for giving me this idea over a year ago. Sometimes I'm a little slow on the uptake, but I generally come around.)

Fun bitch or bitchy bitch?

So, I was off the Internet for the day when that weird airport fight between ANTM 9's Bianca and Hairspray's Nikki Blonsky was reported (thanks to all who flooded my inbox). Apparently, it was racial...? The woman in the video below thinks so, at least. In her on-the-scene-except-for-the-fact-that-the-scene-is-already-over report, she comments that Bianca and her family are making "black people look bad."

I think it's more a matter of making Top Models look bad. The show's spotless record is now soiled. How embarrassing. This level of fierceness is so not fierce.

Edit: Oh, and by the way SO MUCH HA!

Curses! Foiled again!

By now, this is kinda old news, but I'm still getting email about it, sooo...

ANTM alumnae Danielle, Jaslene and Bianca all walked in last week's Project Runway finals.

See?

Blogging Project Runway's Laura K. pointed me to some hi-rez shots of the girls. View them here, here and here.

(Danielle at a different angle is here, too.)

I obviously was in no rush to put these up, but I finally relented. As one reader, Michelle K., put it: "It just goes to show - no matter how hard you try to fight it projrun will always haunt you!" So true! And that is why I frequently cry myself to sleep.

Thanks to everyone who sent these to me!

Cream of the Top

The homoeroticism! The impetigo! The snaggle tooth! The princess of the throne! The shrub named Cousin It! The bitch who poured beer on Tiffany's weave! It was all repackaged and broadcast last night in the space-filler special Top Model Exposed. Despite being recently accused of "worshiping" the show, I don't think that the case could be made that I'm anything but (lovingly!) critical of it. However, one thing that I'll never have anything but admiration for is the editing, which is superb not just for reality TV, but TV period. It is, to put it ANTMly, as tight as Nigel's ass. Because of this, TME was thoroughly watchable, as it organized major themes from various cycles (semi-finals drama, phone drama, hair drama, drama drama, etc.) and featured past contestants discussing them (because, let's face it: what else do these girls have to do but relive their reality TV glory?). The only segments that the show was missing were spots on the black bitches of ANTM history and a roundup of ailments. But that could still be on the way: part 2 of this thing airs next week. Whoo-hoo.

If you missed it, this clip is a great indication of how the show worked. In it, various girls talk about Miss J's contribution to the show and their lives. Nothing brings out the fun like some gender confusion!

Oh, but maybe the special's biggest revelation was this shot:

For the first time in years, ANTM has acknowledged Adrianne Curry's participation in the show (albeit for a split second). So she does exist!

After the jump, a quick rundown of what really matters: how everyone looks!

Next stop: Never Neverland

I think I speak for, oh, the entire viewing public when I say...

 

WORST FINAL 3 EVER!!!

Whatever, at least someone's excited.

Whoa. Saleisha's wall of spaz is literally nauseating. At least I know I'm still alive!

(Truthfully, I was kind of hoping that Chantal would win so that I could make a moving wall out of this image. Sadly, it was not meant to be.)

Saleish...eh, she'll do

I always figure that people will want to talk about the VERY important finale before Monday so...

I'm more happy about Chantal and Jenah losing than I am about Saleisha winning, but whatever. I can derive some satisfaction from the fact that I pretty much called this before the show even aired (true, I had pegged Sarah to take it all, but only because I was counting on the Year of the Kissed Fat Ass to be wrapped up nicely with a plus-sized winner. Damn logic!). However, also note that I expected Chantal to be eliminated first. So I'm half a terrible failure. Keeps me grounded!

Related: In a weird convergence of reality shows that used to be obsessed with and still am, a reader tells me that he's selling a few of the dresses that Project Runway 4's Raimi Kashou (who, I guess, is the straight one?) designed for the ANTM 4 group promo shot (remember that undersea thing with the girls in bubbles and shit?) on eBay. Check them out.

Biyanked away

Before she left, did Bianca have a stroke?

Or was she merely imitating Chantal?

In-n-out 'bergers

Heather wasn't like other girls...

...and that's what made her awesome.

I don't know if you've ever experienced it, but sometimes when, to put it Tyraly, "not the strongest communicators" experience hardship (at least, relative hardship), their resulting emotional eloquence is enough to knock you on your ass. Such is the way of Heather, who in her exit interview said, "Since I've been here, I've learned so much. I've learned to be more confident. I've learned to not always be so self-conscious, and that not everyone's going to judge you because you were born a certain way. I think that the experience is much more than a prize." First of all, every time I listen to her say, "born a certain way," I get a lump in my throat. Second of all, to emerge from a reality show knowing that it's all about the means, fuck the end, is so amazing. In reality TV, that is tantamount to possessing the secret of joy. And she didn't have to get female circumcised or anything!

I couldn't be prouder if I had assisted in her creation

Jade takes up Page 5 of the January issue of Vibe:

I'm so happy for her that I'm willing to forgive the Sister Patterson hairline. Entirely! I don't know where Apple Bottoms fall on the cool scale, as my bottom is no apple and I am, you know, male, but I think that this has to be a positive thing for her. Yay, Happy Positive Jade Thing!

A few other ANTM-oriented things are after the jump. But first an update: What follows is a spoiler, according to many disgruntled people in the comments who, apparently, don't agree with the general truth that the Internet waits for no one. I consider reality show eliminations to be events, not plot points, per se, and I have no problem discussing them as they happen, without warning. I understand that TiVo has changed our viewing habits, but really, once something has happened, it's happened, and if you need to keep yourself pure, you should probably avoid places that could defile you. Like this blog.

I moved the additional items of this post to under the jump because I'm not a dick, and I don't want to spoil things for people. But if I already did earlier, you should be at least as mad at yourself for checking this blog as you are at me for revealing last night's eliminated contestant.

Not that this is a big deal or anything, but damn.

A hole in my heart that goes all the way to China

I'll miss Lisa for many reasons, but here's the main one:

Any girl who's going to run around with a stain on her shirt is clearly an asset to this show. The reason for the stain was never explained, but I like to think it was drool.