Last month, I judgded a child beauty pageant that was taped for Toddlers & Tiaras. I covered this for work. You can watch video, see pictures and read my write-up here. I don't need to say that it was amazing, but it was amazing.
My narrative was actually several times the length of what's running in The Daily today, and with my editor's permission, I am posting the writer's cut below. Everything you ever wanted to know about attending 12 hours of a child beauty pageant and scoring children should be below. If it isn't, let me know because I'm sure I can tell you.
I'll tell ya what, this intro to registered Encourager Liz Curtis Higgs' VHS Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, Have I Got News for You was intriguing enough to get me to watch the whole 45-minute thing. It paled in comparison, I'm sad to report.
...but your (obviously used) set didn't come with the instructional tape and you're a bit confused by Flowbee (only the best people refer to it without an article, like it's a person)? This video re-edit I did should clear everything up!
This comes from my hometown free newspaper, Ocean City Gazette. It is the most bonkers thing I've read this year...until Tyra Banks' young adult novel Modelland is released tomorrow. Maybe.
If aliens visited Earth and had only a half a minute to wrap their oblong heads around pop culture and ideals in the United States, this is what I would show them:
The best part about it is that no one seems to understand what anyone else is saying. Later, when America's Got Talent host Nick Cannon told Sam B that he was famous, Sam B said, "Thank you."
La Toya Jackson took to Stickam last night to say that shit she's been saying since the June release of her second memoir, Starting Over (much of that same shit, by the way, is in the book). It was pretty hilarious, since it was live and her mic kept going out. (You can watch the recording at the chat's page -- the video and sound are out of sync, which is kind of perfect.) When you could hear her, she did things like claim credit for MJ's love of crests and for coming up with the idea to name children "Paris" and "Prince" (not only Michael copied the idea, but so did Kathy Hilton, at least in the former case). One of my favorite quotes of the night was, "Jan is always saying something about something." JACKSON FAMILY SECRETS REVEALED. Put that in your 900 number.
My other favorite moment is above, when La Toya vaguely described her fear of small cats, and vaguely explained how that fear does not extend to large ones, like the tiger she's posing with in the picture she's describing. It makes no sense, but then again, if it did it just wouldn't be La Toya. I am in love with the fact that she is the most visible Jackson in pop culture! My her reign be eternal!
Mariah Carey was on HSN for eight hours yesterday. She declared her love for what she was selling, Italy, pools, meet and greets and everybody several times over. Here are most of those instances.
My favorite thing about this is how disaffected she sounds throughout, which is typical of her speaking voice, I guess, but not her decidedly affected musical persona. She's serving more vision of blah here.
Randy Senna is an arcade-game enthusiast and collector that some call "eccentric" (like Philly.com) and some call a hoarder (like the show Hoarders, on which he'll appear next week). A few years ago, he basically commissioned a documentary about himself and his now-closed old-timey game spot on the Wildwood, NJ boardwalk called Flipper's Fascination. The doc lost funding (or something), but its directors, Steve Loff and Prichard Smith, released about 30 minutes of some 107 hours of footage they shot on YouTube in 2008. No one paid much attention, which is perfect in a way (it's like interactive destitution) but also kind of a shame because it's amazing and kind of pre-Jersey craze zeitgeisty and still relevant, I think. If nothing else, there is a really amazing improvised series/movie that is just dying to come out of this or something like it (really, I think Christopher Guest could tear the shit up).
My favorite of all the segments is above, but the one of people just eating boardwalk food is stellar, as is the one about Darlene, who rides a Jazzy, eagerly shows just how false her teeth are, shares a story about her being mistaken for a man and wears vomit on her shirt seemingly just for kicks. The best (and by that I mean most despicable) thing about the one above is that it upholds a great Wildwood tradition. In it, a foreign employee of Randy's is repeatedly referred to as "Pumpkin," which seems kind of...off. Maybe racist and/or homophobic? At one point, after the kid protests being called this, Randy's mother says, "I could call ya worse!" And then, you're almost certain about what she means. Anytime someone says something off color in Wildwood, there's always someone else to prove that your worst suspicions are the correct suspicions.
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