fourfour

How they lost

I have discovered what I humbly consider to be the most perfect use of the gif wall medium possible: The reaction shots of Oscar losers. As they are broadcast, you simply cannot take them all in since they're spread out on the screen in tiny boxes, and last but seconds. They're just flickers of emotion. I think that placing them side by side on infinite loops works best to fully read the reactions of disappointment, bitchiness, feigned cheer and actual cheer. As much as losing an Oscar (or winning even) is kind of an emotional Rorschach for the nominated actors, reading their expressions is a Rorschach for the viewers. Except for the really bitchy ones. Those we can all agree on.

Below are so so many examples of fallen dreams. Each row is all of the (present) members of one year's given category (I'm only using actors and actresses here). On far right, I've included the reaction of the winners just for good measure. Have fun laughing at their pain!

Everything amazing in Céline: 3 Boys and a New Show

How could I resist? How could you?

Jazz hands

Hi.

O faces

Before yesterday's final episode, which found her rarely taking time to breathe between self-affirmative platitudes, Oprah Winfrey spent the bulk of her last week on air (...for now) in a sort of pantomime. In the two shows before the last, celeb after celeb was trotted out to "surprise" her and she reacted accordingly (even though she was miked and could interject whenever she wanted). It was straight-up silent-movie acting, very strange and endlessly gif-able. You know I had to do this:

Dunst's finest role?

I doubt I'll see anything I love as much as the video of Lars Von Trier declaring his Nazi sympathy at Cannes for the rest of the month. Make no mistake: I'm not impressed by the director's provocation or lack of political correctness. Even though he apologized, I think joking about understanding any mass murderer, let alone one on Hitler's level, is grossly disrespectful. No, the real star of the clip is Kirsten Dunst whose media-trained world is clearly turned upside down as she sits next to a public figure who says shit you're not supposed to say as a public figure. Watching her negotiate her reality with what's happening next to her is an extremely tense, wholly human experience. I salute her squirming as Von Trier dug his hole deeper and deeper in the way I love best -- a gif wall. This is no mere wall of shame: it's one of mortification.

Judge Judy gifs

Keeping in mind that there will never be a gif that sums up Judge Judy's scowling genius and technophobic lifestyle as good as this one grabbed by Tracie...

...below are others that I made, which amuse me greatly. I've been collecting them for a while now -- I watch Judge Judy virtually everyday and aspire to be 1/10th as brilliant and quick on my feet as this sprightly 68-year-old. In most courtroom programming, I think you mostly watch for the cases and the trashy, ridiculous people who present/defend them. I go to Judge Judy for Judy, who's oftentimes the biggest lunatic in the room. I don't even know what she was going for with probably half of the gestures below, but I'm sure glad she did them anyway.

Good girl gone home

Now that Rhianna's leaving, I'm realizing that I never made any Rhianna/Rihanna jokes. To make up for that here's a list of alternate titles to this post:

"Pon de reject"

"Please don't stop the model"

"S.O.Fierce"

"Shut up and...shut up"

"Live your life off TV"

"Go back to the house, pack your belongings and don't forget your umbrella ella ella ey hey hey"

"Marry, model for, kill: Chris Brown, Drake, Tyra Banks?"

Just what you need: Trash Humpers gifs

If annoying is an art, Harmony Korine's Trash Humpers is a masterpiece. It's full of high-pitched cackles, nonsense songs ("A doodle all day," goes a line in the most often repeated one, "Three Little Devils") and a group of people intent on devising new ways to be as simultaneously stupid, disgusting and solitary as possible. The things that they come up with are amazing as innovations in inanity.

Korine creates what really feels like its own world, slowly revealing its malevolence. It's all fun and trash-humping until we see a dead body lying in a field...and then catch evidence of another murder performed by this group of people who are maybe in masks or maybe just melted (the murder reveal is preceded by some banter about a pet dog, folding an act of atrociousness into banal domesticity as a matter of course). And that's not all, as far as crimes go. So many questions arise, if the movie holds your attention and its seemingly plotless and free-form structure doesn't turn you off. Why's that toilet in a field? What's in the bags? Where do these people live? Why are others hanging out with them? What's the point? Are they really as free as they think they are?

It may feel like a frustrating cocktail of idiotic and lofty (as a great fan of absurdity, I really enjoy the movie, but by the end of both of my viewings, I was ready for it to be over -- and its running time is less than 80 minutes). But that cocktail can also be hysterical. This movie is as trashy as that which is humped, and its old-VHS aesthetic only helps reinforce the seediness (I don't understand, though, why, if it's supposed to be edited from tape, its aspect ratio is 16x9 instead of 4x3). Some select, NSFW-ish absurdity is included in the gif wall below. It is mostly inspired by the humpers' advice: make it, don't fake it!

A new take on an old joke

Are you cracking up yet?

The lessons of Jersey Shore: Season 2, Episode 6

Gee, I can't at all imagine what that feels like.