As mentioned earlier this week, Tracie and I spent the past weekend in Orlando. It was her gift to me for being in her wedding, and it may be my favorite present of all time. There was rarely a down moment, the weather was amazing, the whole time was just good, clean fun. The highlight of our trip was our visit to the Magic Kingdom, which is really the gold star of theme parks. I know this is obvious, but you can't really grasp just how amazing that place is until you are there. Everything is organized, down to the table where you sit after you get your short-order meal at Pecos Bill's. The rides never stop coming -- almost every single one has a never-ending stream of empty cars so that the lines never stop moving. For the ones where this matters little and there is still major buildup, you can get a "Fast Pass." There is a machine outside each ride, in which you put your park ticket. Out pops a slip that allows you to essentially move to the front of the line when you come back at the time it designates (you can only get one of these every two hours). So, essentially, you get to see the park or eat or go on a ride that doesn't accrue quite as long of a wait while you'd otherwise be waiting in line. Ingenious. You often hear people bitching about prices of food in the park, but I found it very reasonable (maybe I wouldn't have if I had mouths to feed other than my own). I spent less on my two meals and various snacks than I would have if I ate out for all my meals during a single day in New York. T-shirts, too, averaged $20 or so (not that I bought any -- they were all horrible). And just the way so many of the non-thrill rides are set up -- as 4-D narratives -- is just so inventive and amazing. It's a medium that has basically gone unexplored since with good reason: Walt got it right the first time.
In all, my biggest complaint is that there was so little to complain about. Sure, everywhere you go, people are in the way, but the Disney-based euphoria anesthetizes most irritation a crab like me is prone to. Yeah, you could bitch about the mom who walks like she's half-committed to escaping an alligator (a slow zig-zag) or the dad who pushes his stroller with such halting entitlement, it's as though he's the star of his own one-man Main Street parade or the child that just assaulted you probably on purpose as you happened to walk by him while he was throwing his tantrum. Or you could just turn your head and fix your eyes on a giant piece of Americana kitsch or any number of furries feeling up children or some ingenious design that looks like an aspiration of your grandmother's kitchen.
Also, there weren't enough freaks and weirdos for my taste. Sure, there were some, but not enough to play even a supporting role in my gawking. The most reliable sources of people-watching joy were little girls dressed as princesses, who seemed outfitted by people determined to interpret the concept of "virgin-whore" as literally as possible. My favorite was a little girl who couldn't have been more than 3-years-old that looked frighteningly similar to Beyoncé, lace-front and all. I snapped some shots of these sub-beauty pageant "beauties," but I'm not posting them because that would be weird. Not weirder than just having them on my computer, but whatever. That's private. (And you can obviously rest assured that I am not masturbating to them.) I really went prepared to just go up to whomever and say, "Can I take your picture?" but once there, I realized what a creep I would sound like if I asked, "Can I take your little girl's picture?" So I just did it secretly. Creepy, yes, but also covert. I know how to play the game.
Anyway, Disney is so visited that it seems a little silly to share my observations in any great detail beyond what I just wrote. If you are interested, I have some pictures and brief commentary below on some of the more surprising things from our visit to Disney World, as well as the terribly disappointing Holy Land Experience.
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