fourfour

Some stuff about some...stuff

I think it's too hot for me to think too much. Or at least, that's what I'm blaming this week's (creative? critical?) blockage on. Anyway, below are some passing observations from the past few days. Don't expect too much.

How to be fabulously gay

Janice Dickinson is better at being a gay man than anyone else on TV. This much we probably already knew. However, it became clearer with this week's episode, in which Janice's modeling agency teams with fucking 2(x)ist underwear (the faggiest way to cover dick this side of Jeff Palmer) that JDMA is simply the gayest thing on TV since Monroe's limp wrist on One Day at a Time Too Close for Comfort (I knew that -- really, I did!).

Seriously.

What...

...the...

...fuck?

And alternately:

What the cock?

Scandal!

You guys, hold on to your eyeballs, for I'm about to blow the lid off an ANTM policy that will make them pop out of your head.

ANTM has a womyn-born-womyn policy! And this revelation comes during New York pride week! For shame, Tyra, for shame.

But really, this is a BIG mistake on TyTy's part -- if there's one thing that any given ANTM house needs, it's a tranny! Imagine how nicely all those hormones would boost the crying count! I want a J-led session on tucking, damn it! This also explains why Tyra held that fakey America's Next Top Transsexual Model competition on her show (a wonderful convergence of guilt and freakshow-management mentality -- chicks with dicks aren't ready for primetime, but give them free reign on daytime TV!).

Also, note the reaction of Janice's son, Nathan: "The body says yes, the mind says no." That's awfully progressive for an 18-year-old boy, though I have a feeling that with a mom like JanDick, he couldn't be any other way.

And speaking of ANTM...

Fellow bitch, fallen eyebrow

After watching this week's episode of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, I feel further need to defend it. Yeah, JDMA possibly the most trivial and superficial thing on TV right now (The Hills have nothing on it!), but of course it is. Complaining about Janice Dickinson churning out putrid, garbage television is like hanging out with a homeless person and complaining about the smell.

Also, it strikes me that Janice is simultaneously emotionally complex and devoid of many expressions (Botox strikes), which might cause major confusion for the uninitiated. If that's the case, I've drawn up a chart to illustrate Janice's major mood swing of the show (when, in seeming minutes, she went from defending the pleasant plumpness of signees Lauren and Nyabel against the criticism of Janice's business partner, Peter, to agreeing with him). I don't know why Janice behaves the way she does, but at least we this, we can attain a greater understanding of how she behaves the way she does. You might want to click on this to enlarge it.

1. Belligerent - "Don't be so mean, Peter...You know what, I'm going to take you outside." Janice "You're Too Fat" Dicksinson gets rowdy not just for any girls, but for their chunk. Is that spirit or spirits greasing her wheels?

2. Idealistic - "Some models just are larger than others." Her head's in the clouds. If they aren't anorexic they aren't real models. Everyone knows that.

3. Passionate - "I believe in my girls!" Peter Cetera-style, Janice is the world's first supermodel who will fight for their honor.

4. Realistic - "You're coming along, but it needs to drop off faster." In which the chemicals align and Janice achieves her daily five minutes of balance. Showtime. Synergy.

5. Smug - "And I just got so pissed, I went to the gym yesterday and worked out for three hours. That's why I can eat chocolate." Keep in mind that during this entire debate, Janice is shoveling food into her mouth, proving superiority one earned bite at a time.

6. Pissy - "Nyabel and Lauren had some time to drop the pounds. They didn't follow through and they're certainly not doing the work." At least she didn't rush to a conclusion.

7. Domineering - "Nyabel and Lauren have two weeks to shape up or ship out. They really need to understand how serious I am." If all else fails she can put them in ball gags to get them to stop eating so much, right?

The sensitive subject causes the two cows girls to flee. Janice follows them, offering an apology, and immediately following it up with this.

"'Cause you're a little bit heavy right now. You're. Heavy. Right. Now." A gentle reminder.

And then, in her final act of sensitivity, Janice bizarrely rubs a tear off Lauren's face and ends up jabbing her in the eye.

Compassion!

A few more random observations from the episode follow...

So it's come to this

It's really nice to watch Janice Dickinson insult people again. Really. I mean that.

Maybe she said it best herself when she inexplicably lambasted Duh-Gina on the last cycle of ANTM: "You're dead to me, bitch." Dead is right. I thought it was over for Janice, after that particularly vile turn on The Surreal Life and now that she's achieved the status of a thoughtlessly worshiped gay icon (is there any mode of appreciation less flattering than default?). It's one thing to be a homo ha-ha, and it's another to exploit it. I mean, really, showing up at East Village not-spot Eastern Bloc is tantamount to Sally Field's character's plea for adoration in Soapdish when she visits a Paramus mall for the sake of being noticed.

Desperation is not a good look for Janice because it's too straightforward an emotion. The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, however, provides plenty of crossed-signal incoherence while reminding us that the role of the dominatrix-for-your-own-good is the one Janice was born to play. In documenting Janice's search for bodies to stock her fledgling modeling agency's shelves, JDMA doesn't teach us anything that Tyra and her team haven't already (and better). Still, the show is a fun-enough display of Janice's strength in front of the reality camera.

In her weird, emotionally arbitrary way, Janice was the moral center of ANTM during her tenure. If people are going to be so unwise as to join a televised modeling competition, to willingly humiliate themselves for the sake of joining the single most superficial industry on the planet (and, you know, for our entertainment), they get what they have coming to them. In this case, what was coming was this buff, man-voiced monster whose barbs rang equally with wisdom, nonsense and acid. Confined to the last 15 minutes of that show and chopped into delicious non-sequiturs, Janice was a delirious force of hilarity, the apex of ANTM's high camp.

In stark contrast, as a reality show, JDMA is half-good. It's great to hear her ripping into people who are willing to let their appearance pay their bills (this reading may, as a consequence, paint her as a hypocrite, and that's fine -- consistency has never been her thing). However, it's dull to watch fakey footage of her attempting to launch a business. Split down the middle as it is, it's less a trainwreck and more like NASCAR's ultra-femme brother -- the dry set-up (or, in this case the "plot") is beside the point because you're just watching for the crashes. Crashes like her boasting that she "could see a model that the model doesn't even know that the model is the model." I don't even know what that means except that Janice either has the eye of a microscope or the tongue of a sneaker. Crashes like her Episode 2 meltdown, in which she questioned her purpose, only to reassert her determination. "I'll go to gay bars, I will go to the moon if I can find one girl that is the next Iman or Naomi or Giselle."

Hmmm. Maybe that explains the Eastern Bloc thing.